Ashton Back For the Summer Friendlies

Beano Ashton has hit back at his detractors by announcing that he hopes to be back playing in time for the preseason friendlies. Having spent most of last season resting up on the treatment table, Ashton is now raring to go in the meaningless fixtures where heavy tackles are forbidden and muscles are eased back into working order.

“I’m looking to get myself back for pre-season now,” he reassured fans before insisting, “I don’t want to come back unless I’m right."

Zola will perhaps note the repeated use of the pronoun "I" as Primadeano Ashton once again emphasises himself over his club and its supporters. Those Hammers fans with memories longer than a goldfish, might recall Zola saying he was hopeful that Ashton could be back for the fag end games of last season, to help West Ham's push for Europe. Beano no doubt understood Europe to mean the month's vacation he has booked in the south of France; or perhaps he is targeting the final month of next season!

Ashton might also have added: "If all goes well and I score a few goals against the likes of Grays Athletic then a big club like Tottenham might come in for me at the end of the summer. I can then hopefully negotiate a pay rise as part of the transfer before taking next winter off too."

He could then have continued: "The advantage I have found of playing preseason and in August only is that the sun is out and you don't have to suffer all the nasty wind and rain of a typical British winter. I originally got the idea off Kieran Dyer but he mistimed his comeback slightly this year. I have ribbed him mercilessly over that, given it was his masterplan in the first place! Mind you Gabby followed the plan to the letter and we have had such fun drinking Ovaltine together in the treatment room whilst the kids run around out in the cold. They will learn the folly of that as they get older."