Dear Diary,
I have just dropped an email through to Alistair Campbell asking him to script my next press statement. Things are beginning to get a little tricky the closer we get to the end of the transfer window, what with the pressure from the Board to sell and the demands of the fans that we buy. It is all so unfair.
I really don't understand these footballers, they are such an ungrateful bunch. Take Luis Boa-Morte and James Collins. I agree huge big salary packages with them but are they grateful? Are they as hell as like! I ask them to take a pay cut and move to Hull and Stoke respectively and what do they go and do? Only say no! Where's the loyalty I want to know! Who gave them these huge pay deals in the first place? The least they could do is help me out by agreeing to sod off when I want them to. I mean, the fact that no other clubs are willing to match our pay deals simply illustrates that we have been over paying them all this time doesn't it? A COE could lose his job by paying all his employees more than is necessary - I have gone out on a limb for these guys and where is the thanks?
Then there is Dean Ashton. How long can I keep saying that Zola is looking forward to working with the guy? Alistair says that he carried Blair through two full terms but we have now carried Beano (as one blogger calls him) for two whole seasons. Bloody Stoke City are so unreasonable! They said they wanted him but then made any purchase conditional on a fitness test. What's that all about? We didn't worry about fitness tests when we bought him from Norwich did we? He arrived wrapped in more bandages than an Egyptian Mummy and has run around about as much since he joined us! Fitness tests? We wouldn't have signed Upson, Bellamy, Dyer, Ashton or Freddie Ljungberg if we had worried about fitness tests would we?
Then there is this forward business. Zola has got one, why does he want any more I want to know? We've signed that kid Nouble and he can't be any worse than Tristan or Di Michele were so what is all the fuss about? I'm still seething with Nani over the Savio business. Stupid bloody Italian accent! I thought he was saying "Save money" not "Savio money". I thought it was a bloody bank deposit, not a purchase! And what do we do with the boy now? We already have Stanislas and Collison for that position. Can Savio play right back or lead the line? Not according to Zola and Clarke. Why? The lad is a footballer isn't he? You don't get tennis players arguing about positions do you? Look how many positions I've filled at West Ham! Stick him up front and have done with it I say! So what if he doesn't score. How many did Di Michele score? How many does Cole score for that matter. Goals are incredibly over rated in football if you ask me.
But no, they want another forward or two so I have to fly all over Europe and stay in 5 star hotels at huge cost to the club - and for what? I offer two million less for that Moroccan guy than Arsenal offered and bloody Bordeaux say no! What's that about then? Don't they understand our money is worth more than Arsenal's money? Bloody nerve! Then there's the usual business about players not being prepared to take a drop in salary. Have they no ambition? Can't Eider understand that playing for West Ham is a much bigger deal than playing for Barcelona? And as for Luca Toni - he is meant to be a mate of Zola's! Some mate. We give him the chance to exchange Bayern Munich and Champions League football for the EPL and West Ham and the guy turns us down! Outrageous.
I am now getting worried about who I can claim we are after next. Eventually, we will be down to players who we could actually sign. Then we are buggered because we would have to come up with some cash! Alistair says that we should come up with a stealth tax to finance a purchase but I'm not sure how you do that at a football club.
It is all so much hassle. What's the big deal? We never win anything anyway so why all this fuss I want to know? Anyway, must go as Clarke is hammering on the door shouting something about "Not coming here from Chelsea to coach a team without a forward line." He's a Scot, he should appreciate not spending money!
Still, the fans will still love me when I tell them we are not selling Matty Upson...to Tottenham
Scott.
PS Sod it! Bordeaux may be willing to do business! Upson anybody? Anybody want Upson? Where's bloody 'Arry when you need him? Pull up lame Ledley! Help me Alistair!
14 comments:
Very amusing - sadly it just about does some it up!!!
Cheers 10.36, it was all in fun of course. I am quite sure that Scott is Claret and Blue through and through and is doing everything humanly possible to reinforce the squad. I have no doubt about the guy's honesty and integrity and do not put any store by allegations that his position keeps shifting. I am quite certain that he is in no way responsible for the bad things that have happened to the club since his arrival but am convinced that everything that has gone right is down to Mr Duxbury exclusively.
(I think that's what my solicitor told me to write but if not, it's what I think anyway!)
Well put it this way he is doing more for the club than you are, how many games you planning on going to this season?
You have succeeded in making me laugh and cry simultaneously!
1210, when I go, I will pay. I'd be there every match if West Ham paid me Duxbury's salary to do so. That was a no brainer you gormless twat!
The article was brilliant only topped by your 'solicitors denial' nearly wet myself (with laughter rather than fear of the future) Thanks for brightening my day
PS for the idiots I'm amused by the humour not the clubs demise I too want the best for West Ham but if we can't laugh at ourselves we ummm need to get a life perhaps
Answer the question, how many games and how many was it last year?
You know of course, that 'Duxbury's Diary Reveals All' has been copied and posted on WHTID ?? Of course you do.
Cricket? Kick it I say.
SN6
What do you mean SN6?
Judging by your unusual silence I take it that it was not many. To busy living off people's misery by trying to cash in on repossessions and criticising the club you pretend to love but offer little support on this blog or in person.
Actually I haven't bought a repo, though I'm due to exchange on a flat voluntarily sold tomorrow. All the repos were crap or went for above market prices. The only auction property I bid on was a flat "in probate" - the owner had died aged 103 and his ex wife (living in Portugal) wanted the cash.
Anybody who buys a repo isn't living off somebody else's misery, he is doing the reverse. The debt continues to mount until the property is sold even after it has been repossessed. The brokers who encouraged people to borrow above their means are the guilty parties, and the bankers and governments who allowed the market to overheat, and the fools who over extended themselves. 70% of the repos are ex buy to let properties. What does that tell you?
So how many games was it?
Then the property is sold for a pittance by the bank to recoup their loss and their loss only and the once owner of the property is left with nothing. If repo's weren't bought by the scum that buy them then the banks would have to rethink their strategy of exploitation. I blame the 8'stards that by them, no demand no market, simples
HOW MANY GAMES WAS IT THEN
Try going to an auction and see how the prices are bid up to and beyond what the property would sell for through a agents. Most banks leave a repo with an Agent at open market price for 3 months anyway. Also look at the state of the properties. Many are vandalised by the defaulters out of sheer spite. No sympathy for them I'm afraid. What would you propose doing if borrowers don't pay their mortgages?
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