The West Ham Flying Circus

Zola: There iz trouble at millwall.

Duxbury: Oh no - what kind of trouble?

Zola: One ozze cross beams az gonze owt askewzi treddle.

Duxbury: Pardon?

Zola: One ozze cross beams az gonze owt askewzi treddle.

Duxbury: I don't understand what you're saying.

Zola: (slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear accent) One ozze cross beams az gonze owt askewzi treddle.

Duxbury: Well what on earth does that mean?

Zola: I don't know - Mr Nani just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the millwall, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of FA Inquisition.

(JARRING CHORD)
(The door flies open and members of the FA burst in with various bewigged judges)

Judge Hawthorne: NOBODY expects the FA Inquisition! Our chief weapon is
suprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two
weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our
three weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an
almost fanatical devotion to FIFA.... Our four...no...
Amongst our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as
fear, surprise.... I'll come in again. (Exit and exeunt)

Zola: I didn't expect a kind of FA Inquisition.

(JARRING CHORD)
(The FA officials and judges burst in)

Hawthorne: NOBODY expects the FA Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such
diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost
fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn! (To
Judge Danforth) I can't say it - you'll have to say it.

Danforth: What?

Hawthorn: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'

Danforth: (rather horrified): I couldn't do that...

(Lord Justice Smith bundles the officials and judges outside again)

Zola: I didn't expect a kind of FA Inquisition.

(JARRING CHORD)
(The judges and officials enter)

Hawthorn: Er.... Nobody...um....

Danforth: Expects...

HAWTHORN: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the FA...um...

Danforth: Inquisition.

Hawthorn: I know, I know! Nobody expects the FA Inquisition. In fact,
those who do expect -

Hawthorn: Our chief weapons are...

Danforth: Our chief weapons are...um...er...

Hawthorn: Surprise...

Danforth: Surprise and --

Hawthorn: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah!
...our chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Lord Justice Taylor,
read the charges.

Lord Justice Taylor: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Creed of the FA and Premier League. 'My old man said follow the--'

Danforth: That's enough. (To Duxbury) Now, how do you plead?

Duxbury: We're innocent.

Hawthorn: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER')

Danforth: We'll soon change your mind about that!

(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL ACTING')

Hawthorn: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- (controls himself with a
supreme effort) Ooooh! Now, Lord Justice Taylor -- the rack!

(A plastic-coated dish-drying rack is produced. Hawthorn looks at it and
clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover
his anger)

Hawthorn: You....Right! Tie him down.

(Lord Justice Taylor and Danforth make a pathetic attempt to tie Duxbury on to the drying rack)

Hawthorn: Right! How do you plead?

Duxbury: Innocent.

Hawthorn: Ha! Right! Judge, give the rack (oh dear) give the rack a turn.

(Danforth stands their awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders)

Lord Justice Taylor: I....

Hawthorn: (gritting his teeth) I know, I know you can't. I didn't want to say
anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.

Danforth I...

Hawthorn: It makes it all seem so stupid.

Danforth: Shall I...?

Hawthorn: No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!

(Lord Justice Taylor turns an imaginary handle on the side of the dish-rack)

Cut to them torturing Luton Town.