Clattenburg suspended

Back in October last year I posted about Mr Clatterburg's appalling performance in the Merseyside derby. Now the guy has been suspended because his company has gone bust. Now I'm not saying there is a link between the two, but if I was the FA, I would be looking very closely at when the company hit problems and asking if it really was pornography wrapped up in that brown paper bag Clattenburg was allegedly seen carrying on the train out of Liverpool. Think I might rename him Clattenbung, just for fun you understand!

Wouldn't it be great if...?

Wouldn't it be great if Curbishley were to issue the following statement? "I woke up this morning and was struck by this incredible thought, I'm the manager of West Ham United. Yes,that's right, West Ham United! I'm no longer the Charlton manager! I don't have to bore my way to crucial points, I can send the team out to attack, in the true West Ham style. I want to apologise to all you great fans for last season. Yes we had injuries, yes we were consolidating, but that is not a good enough excuse for abandoning the values of OUR great club. This club isn't just about survival, this team is about maintaining standards, about values, about a heritage based on Greenwood, Moore, Hurst and Peters. We won the World Cup for England and we will win the World Cup again, because we put the good of the game above our own petty need for points against cloggers like Blackburn. Thatcher? What was I thinking of? Barton? Ron Greenwood would turn in his grave. So I now give you all this pledge. I know I fell short as a player, I know I put myself before the club, I know I walked out on West Ham then and put personal glory ahead of this great club, but I am breaking with that past now, I don't want a team of Curbishleys, I want a team of Brookings and Devonshires, I want to attack, I want to play with a smile rather than a grimace, I want West Ham to be West Ham, and to hell with the consequences!"

Dyer's masterplan!

"A former Manchester United player whose career was ended when he was injured in a tackle has been awarded more than £4.5m in compensation." Is this the Dyer masterplan?

West Ham to sign Andy Murray!

West Ham have just announced the signing of tennis ace Andy Murray. Manager Alan Curbishley explained, "As his performance in the Olympics showed, Murray is a mercenary b8stard who doesn't give a toss about the team if there isn't a big pay cheque for winning. Doesn't that sound like all my other signings? Andy is also injured on a regular basis and regularly flatters to deceive. He will fit in with the present squad perfectly! All I have to do now is to iron the attacking shots out of his game to make him the perfect Curbishley player!" Tottenham, meanwhile, have signed Nadal!

Curbishley, the Master of Mediocrity

Curbishley is a master for mediocrity. It is like having a batsman in cricket, as Tavare used to be, who can "hold up an end" whilst others score the runs around him. Tavare was never going to be a Botham, never going to be a winner on his own, but still had his value. But like Tavare, Curbishley doesn't have what it takes to be a winner or to get the crowd excited. To stick with cricket terminology, he doesn't "go for his shots". He is a nudger and a nurdler, a grafter who scores by saying, "you'll not get me out and if I stick around, you'll chuck down enough bad balls for me to accumulate a decent score." That's all very well if that is what you want, but a team of Tavares would be awfully boring to watch, just like Curbishley's teams. The trouble with West Ham teams in the past has been that all the players, even the defenders, have had the Botham attitude. Every team, ideally, has a Tavare, and I give Curbishley credit for instilling discipline into the defenders, Neill apart. But we want to see flair, we want to see our team pouring forward, we want to see invention, creativity, risk taking, we want to see exciting, attacking football. Tavare was never going to go for his shots in cricket and nor will Curbishley in football. Yes he was ideal for Charlton where expectations were lower, but he is wrong for West Ham. I'm not saying we expect to win things, what I'm saying is that we expect to be entertained when not winning things. George Graham might have been acceptable because he might have won trophies whilst abandoning our values, but Curbishley is the worst of both worlds; he will nurdle us to mid table obscurity and I would rather finish 14th by playing our shots than 10th by nudging and nurdling all season! One thing is for certain, Curbishley isn't going to change his mentality after all these "successful" years so if we want flair we need a new manager.

McCabe on his knees!

Sheffield United chairman Kevin McCabe quoted as saying:"It's down to the panel to make their award which should be September. The formal arbitration hearing was concluded last month but there'll be one more day at the end of July for further oral submissions." Now I know the guy is desperate but a whole day of blow jobs is surely going too far to try to convince the panel!

Septic Bladder

Dear Mr President Lincoln, I am writing to you from a sugar plantation in the Caribbean. I am very unhappy that I am being paid just £120,000 per week for representing my plantation in football and that I am not being allowed to move to a neighbouring plantation where I could earn £150,000 per week. I am sure that you will agree that this is an outrageous way to treat a slave and, after reading this letter, will instantly commence a policy leading to the abolition of this obscene practise. Please ignore the chains that slaves have to wear, the rape of the women, the beatings, the hangings and the terrible conditions endured during transportation, these pale into insignificance when set alongside my inability to represent the plantation of my choice. Yours sincerely Kunta Kinte.

Poor old McClanger!

Well, it's been some time! All this blogging stuff went on the back boiler I'm afraid but how can I resist when players such as Arseshavings and Jerkoff are gracing Euro2008?

Thank God the Italians lost that shootout, they would have taken the game back a generation had they made it through to the final. The Italians and the Greeks apart, the great thing about this tournament is the way teams have attacked, trying to win games in that old fashioned way of trying to out score the opposition. The Russians have been a joy.

To think, we could have appointed Guus Hiddink when we appointed McClanger! How stupid does that make the FA look? Meanwhile, Chelsea have appointed a guy who, despite being graced with a golden generation of Portugese players, has won precisely nothing with them. I predict that one will end in tears!

Biggest hypocrit? Turds! After circling the wagons every time we took a 1-0 lead, he had the audacity to say at half time in the Russia v Sweden match, "Hiddink should go for it second half and not sit back and try to keep what he has got". This is the man who sent on Spector for Ashton to keep the score 1-1! This is the man who circled the wagons to protect the lead at home to 10 man Reading! This is the man who ordered the retreat and settled for a draw at home to relegated Reading and Birmingham and against relegation candidates Bolton and Wigan! What a hypocritical twat!

One final thought for now. Croatia only went out on penalties in the Quarter Final and Russia have reached the Semifinal. Were we in the Qualifying Group of Death without even realising it? Almost makes you feel sorry for McClanger.

Er, on second thoughts, no it don't!

Blowing a Gale (Martin Tyler! Well, I'm shocked!)

Given I'm considered too harsh a critic, I offer you the words of Martin Tyler and Hammer Hero Tony Gale: When Ashton and Boa Morte were breaking two on two: "Boa-Morte doesn't look as if he wants the ball." When Ashton tried to chest trap a ball: "He's struggling to judge the bounce of the ball".

When Green made a hash of coming for two crosses:"He was just standing beneath the cross" and "You've got to be more decisive when coming. He didn't look like getting there." When Cole missed a sitter: "He headed it straight at the keeper. Should have scored."

Of our derailed TGV: "Faubert hasn't really physically turned up for the game. The body language isn't good. He needs to get involved more." When Lucas stood in his six yard box, arms spread wide: "Lucas Neill left it with Robert Green nowhere near." When Mullins shot: "That was a long long long way wide." When Cole tied to control a drilled cross. "You've got to either try to volley or head the ball there, to try to control the ball is all but impossible."

I will take over now! Nobby was brilliant but the goal went in off his arm. Did Boa-Morte cushion the headed pass or was he trying to get out of the way? Not sure! Once Solano was on we looked so much better, which is worrying given he replaced Faubert, our latest "Great hope"! One Nobby pass was, in Gale's words, "World class" and "Out of keeping with the rest of the game."

Noble had a good second half of the second half. Gale again: "The kick in the face seems to have woken him up!" One classic moment when LBM jumped into the back of Cole as he went up for a Nobby cross - Keystone Cops stuff from Little and Large!

Classical Turds substitutions - he gave Ashton 11 minutes to impress Capello ("Cheers boss, I'm off in the summer!") and brought on Spector for Freddie to defend the 1-0 lead aginst 10 men. Typical!

Yes we won but be honest, it was crap, AGAIN! Where was the promised attacking adventure? Where were the promised youngsters? But what about the injuries I hear you whine. It was Fulham! We won with a scrappy goal. Fulham could have had a first half penalty. The passing was, Solano apart, generally awful. We had all the penetration of a eunuch in a chastity belt! Turds is happy of course. Three more points. Nice cup of tea. Lovely views.

Come on dear, time to pack up the caravan and poodle along to the next destination!

Parking the caravan at the cottage

Well what a surprise! We've arrived at the cottage and Turds has parked the bloody caravan! Real message of intent with the selection! Back to 4-5-1 and leave out the leading scorer. Presumably that confirms that Ashton is on his way. Not considered good enough for the mighty Fulham despite scoring against them at UP! Brilliant, just brilliant.

First half, exacty as expected. First thirty seconds, Upson lumps it into the waiting arms of Niemi! Then followed a competition for the worst pass of the season. Upson made his bid when he delivered a suicidal ball to Green. The Beatle entered the competition when he lumped a free kick from the half way over everybody's head for a goal kick but Noble took the laurel when he bisected two players on the touch line, all of five yards away, to give Fulham a throw! Good to see all that work on close passing in training has paid off Alan!

Cole is on fire! Well, by on fire I mean he has had three chances and failed to hit the target with any! Good to see all that work on his shooting has paid off Alan! He has also given away five free kicks so far. How many minutes into the second half before he ses yellow? LBM has been LBM. Classic bad choice with an attempted ball to Faubert. Risible header fom inside six yard box when unchallenged - clearly Nobby has been given responsibility for training "attacking headers"! The shoot on sight philosophy clearly isn't in play despite the lack of goals - Noble had the D all to himself but chose to pass to a Fulham defender instead!

Tony Gale looked at the line ups and said, "The two teams have been set up to negate each other." He then added, "Who dares wins"! Turds heard that as "Who dares might lose!" So the caravan is nicely parked, how about pulling out the awning Turds, then we can all sit down and have a nice cup of tea! 45 minutes of boring dross as per bloody usual!

The Steady Crawl of the Caravan Brigade

Excuse me Alan, how about this for an odd idea? How about we go to Fulham tomorrow and attack the Craven Cottagers? How about we go 3-5-2 – The Beatle, Upson and Anton at the back, Faubert and Nobby as wide men (attacking wing backs), Mullins as the midfield anchor, Noble and Freddie breaking forward from midfield, and Ashton and Sears up front? How about sending a message Al, “We’re better than them so let’s go out and score some goals”? How about you park up the caravan Al, get out of the brown Volvo and jump into a bright red Ferrari instead, putting your foot to the floor? What’s that mate? We still need three points to be safe? A point at Fulham would be a useful stepping stone to survival? Alan? Alan? Wind down the window a second mate! Turn down Radio 2 mate! Oy Alan, mind what you’re doing with that bloody caravan, you nearly ran over my foot!

Red Stripe Sacked.

Well how predictable was that? The Blunted Blades have stabbed poor old Red Stripe in the back. There he was, enjoying a nice drink at the bar when up came McCabe and twisted the plastic blade between poor old Robbo's shoulder blades. Not sure who I feel most sympathy for, Robbo or Gazza! Still, now they can go to rehab together - allegedly. Red Stripe signed up when he read "Winehouse in rehab"!

Muck Spreading all the way down the M4!

Come on Bristol Rovers! One game from a Wembley semifinal, two games from the cup final itself! The scarecrows are getting so exciting the straw is coming out of their ears, "We're off to see the Wizard.." - all hoping to find a new turnip for a brain! Who needs Johnny Depp - it's the Pirates of the West Country! The muck spreaders are revving their engines as we speak and the pretty girls are all climbing aboard the posh combine 'arvesters. "Oh he's so gorgeous, he's got a bright red Combi you know!" Brothers and sisters are having sex as we speak in celebration. Snake bites with blackcurrant tops are being downed! Oooh Arrrrr, Oooh Aaaarrr! Come on you Wurzles, you can do it! Is must be bedlam down there at the moment?

Weekend without football!

God, how depressing. It's the weekend and West Ham don't have a game thanks to our lame exit from the FA Cup! Can't think what to do with myself! What a missedopportunity the games at Eastland represent. City were there for the taking in both matches and we let them off the hook. Good goal by Cole but confirms my suspicion - he panics when he sees the goal. This one found the back of the net because he had his back to goal!