Julian Fauberting Off Too!

So Faubert has woken up at last and realised that he is still a West Ham player. Even worse, standing over him is none other than Doctor Evil, muttering Anglais in some strange heathen accent and demanding that Julian get up and, heaven forbid, run!

"Mon Dieu, qui est ce démon me réveillant de mon sommeil. Je ne l'aime pas. Je pars!"

Amazingly, Lazio are rumoured to be interested. God only knows why.

Wheels Coming Off At Birmingham

It's not so long ago that Birmingham were celebrating winning the Gnat's Piss Cup at Wembley and now look at the mess they are in. Relegated on the final day of the season with no financial plan in place to cover the drop because it was not envisaged, McLeish defecting to hated rivals Aston Villa, and now the owner has been charged with money laundering in Hong Kong.

There is a certain irony that a charge of laundering has been levelled against dirty, dirty Birmingham of course whilst their claims that this will not affect the club have to be well wide of the mark. Surely the FA have to consider suspending transfer deals if the club may have been bought with dodgy money? Let's face it, why would anybody in his right mind buy a football club unless he was trying to launder money?

Birmingham thought they were well rid of Sullivan and Gold; it seems it was just a case of out of the frying Pannu and into the fire!

Mini Me West Ham Bound

Oh dear God, Mini Me Sammy Lee has left Liverpool and reports are suggesting that he will roll up at Upton Park anytime soon. Apparently Dalglish has laid Lee on his side and given him a push, and he is rolling his way down to London as we speak.

Still, I suppose we shouldn't be surprised. Every Doctor Evil needs his Mini Me!

God help us if Allardyce has more heart problems and Mini Me is left in temporary charge! Division One here we come!

Zola Suffers Cruel Rejection

Poor Gianfranco, he may be the best player ever to pull on a pair of boots for Chelsea, but they don't rate him as a coach or a manager it appears. After cutting his managerial teeth at the cheap end of town, Zola might have expected a call to help out 33 year old pup Villas-Boas in a little big brother role, but despite Franco's legendary status at the club, the more workmanlike Di Matteo has been preferred instead.

Zola fans, who seek to excuse their man for any responsibility for our accelerated demise from a top 10 Premiership club to a N Power super power, may struggle to explain why a man sacked by West Brom is deemed a more appropriate appointment than their darling. After all, Zola is meant to be a fantastic coach if you listen to his supporters and he has so many friends inside Chelsea.

Could it be that the guy is crap in a managerial capacity after all? That might perhaps explain why nobody has appointed him since he departed Upton Park more than 12 months ago now.

Gradel in; Barrera out

Makes sense. You bring in a player with proven ability in the N Power - 18 goals last season aint bad is it? - and ship out Mexican Taco Bell star Pablo Barerra. Or is the plan to play with two wide men, banging in crosses for Carlton to head over the bar?

There are reports that we have bid for the Leeds man who is out of contract next summer. The 23 year old Gradel sounds like a better bet to me than Mucky-Smith who, at 27, does not have age on his side. We need some good news soon so let's hope there is some substance to this rumour.

Mind you, if we do sign him, he looks as if he will need a few of Sam Pot's henchmen to protect him. The boy is match thin isn't he?

Trading Places: Fabregas to Barcelona; Parker to Arsenal

It kind of fits. I mean they are both midfield players. True one is a genius, a superb passer of the ball and a  genuinely great footballer, whilst the other is Parker, but Fabregas would leave a hole and that hole has to be filled by somebody, so why not Scotty who, like Ronseal, does exactly what it says on the tin?

Let's hope Wenger can be persuaded by all these ex players who keep urging him to turn the clock back and sign a Brit. Merson is the latest, no doubt because he has had a few bob on the outcome.

The trouble is, would Parker be prepared to join the Gunners? It wouldn't be easy for a life long Spurs fan would it?

Allardyce and West Ham up to their noses in the Brown Stuff!

Oh dear God, a few seasons back we were linked with Ben Thatcher, a couple of weeks back it was El Hatchet Diouf and now, the name in the frame is none other than Michael Brown!

Never mind that the guy has a name synonymous with shit; never mind that his name sums up his ability; never mind that he is a filthy bastard; never mind that he once played for Spurs; hang standards, hang heritage, hang everything West Ham United has ever stood for!

Welcome to Sam Pot's West Ham United; welcome to Sam Pot's Dirty Dozen!

Barcelona Can't Afford Parker

West Ham fans puzzled by the lack of interest in Player of the Season, Scott Parker, may feel reassured by news that Spanish giants, Barcelona, are on an austerity drive. The Guardian is reporting Barcelona's Sandro Rosell saying, " "I am concerned about the club's economic sustainability. We have to balance the books."

And the concerns obviously run deep given the cut backs that are being demanded. Whilst Messi isn't yet being shown the door, with reported debts of 450m Euros, good housekeeping measures are being put in place. Rosell explains, "We removed the catering events, our bodyguards, and we have even stopped making photocopies in colour at the club. Now we do black and white and save on toner." Poor Scotty, he sent over a full colour "Please Buy Me!" dossier!

But at least the Scotty riddle has been solved. Barcelona are not smashing down our door to sign Claret and Blue legend Scott Parker simply because they cannot afford to buy him and pay his mega wages. That's a relief then. Some of us were beginning to think that Scotty isn't held in very high regard outside of West Ham, Parker's own head and the Redknapp household!

Two Goal Barrera Is Solid Gold

Ok, make sense of this if you can. England would only have narrowly defeated the USA last summer but for the stunning contribution of Rob Green, creating hardly any chances after the early Gerrard strike, yet Mexico trounced them 4-2 last night in the Gold Cup final, with a certain Pablo Barrera scoring twice!

I have been saying for some time that we got the wrong guy, sent a doppelganger found working in Taco Bell. Sullivan should now insist on finger prints, blood tests and biometric screening when the little Mexican claiming to be Barerra rocks up for training for the new season.

If, of course, Barerra ever returns. He has been in the shop window over the past couple of weeks and a number of Spanish clubs are bound to have been impressed. Would anybody be surprised if Barrera now secured a move and, over the next couple of seasons, developed into a true world beater? El Sod's Law may be about to strike again!

Judge Labels Tottenham Cockyfools

Mr Justice Davis, who strangely despite the name is not a Nigerian right back signed by wheeler dealer 'Arry Redknapp, has rejected Tottenham's attempt to block our move to the Stratford Mausoleum and told Levy and his greasy palmed team of lawyers to "Shut the fcuk up". Attempts to play the discrimination card were soundly rejected, although the Judge apparently stopped just short of choking on his port and exclaiming, "Dear God, that man Gold is a Yid too so how can it be discrimination?"

The best put down of all was when Davis declared that Tottenham's appeal "lacked substance". There was an unnecessary word there of course. Had he known anything about the strange game known to the working classes as Association Football - "It is a game rather like rugger your honour but played with a round ball and without scrums until a female - a female your honour is a fag without male genitalia - as I was saying your honour, a game like rugger but without scrums until a female is introduced to the players in a hotel room after the game" - he could have saved some of his breath and simply said, "Tottenham lack substance" full stop!

Will Tottenham now shut the fcuk up as the Judge ordered? Probably not. Can they win now? Of course not. But when has certain defeat ever stopped the Cockyfools from shouting their mouths off?

The Great Clear Out - But will we have a starting eleven come August?

(Article submitted by Dave)

With all the talk about players going, has anybody had a real good look at what's left? Talk is all about getting out of the Championship but we'll be bloody lucky to stay in it at this rate! Have SuGo got a master plan? I certainly hope so because otherwise we'll be well and truly screwed! (or will we?) We've shed 17 players for less than 10 million so far and we'll be lucky to get much more than that for the ones who are about to go. Total Armageddon! (or is it?) Nolan is undoubtedly a good acquisition (and more importantly a bargain at 4 mil) and Faye; not so much but not bad (also inexpensive).

SuGo are no mugs in business. I always believed (though I didn't want to) that it was part of their master plan from the beginning to get us relegated; why else did they make all the untimely comments during Zola's reign and then consequently the unsettling of Grant in January when we were just starting to look like we might be in with a chance of surviving? why did they get rid of Zola immediately after he miraculously kept us up with no real help from them? Simple! because they were worried that with some half descent players in the squad he may just have improved the following season and on top of keeping us up again may well have finished in the top ten again (remember he was doing pretty well until he lost Bellamy; Di Michele; Collins and Neill).

So why then did they want us to go down so badly? top ten's OK for West Ham? NO, of course not, but the only reason for them was because they still had the massive wage bill that they inherited from the previous inadequates. That's just plain bad business for anyone!

Had we been relegated last season (as per plan): Zola would have been given another season (who else better suited to coach kids cuz don't forget that Tony Carr is far too valuable to SuGo as the "Golden Goose"); the wage bill would've been trimmed down a year ago; of course we would still have gone after the OS (the main & most important part of their money making master plan).

We still might of been in the N Power this season but all of our cheap youngsters would be experienced by now and with the bargain old pros and the cheap talents scouted from the lower leagues we would be back up the following season for sure. Sure we've lost money going down but then we now have the parachute payments to offset that. Lucky that was (only) just introduced, fairplay to whoever thought of doing that; wait a minute wasn't that a certain David Gold.

Look at the wage bill of the players left - peanuts! Compared to what it would have been had we stayed up. Just think of the mark-up on our youngsters when we go back up plus the 50 mil for getting promoted. Then of course there's the money spinning little OS project. Fans, SuGo may or may not be, but mugs? definitely not!

Best prepare ourselves for two seasons in the N Power, not one! But don't worry it's all accounted for in their 7 year plan. At the end of it they'll have their retirement nest-eggs and we'll have a club that can compete for the scraps of the top five or six. Just a shame it won't resemble the West Ham as we once knew it!

Love em or hate em (as we eventually will do) - Their 7 year plan is underway, it's bloody genius and there is nothing we can do about it!

2010/2011 SQUAD

GONE

3 BEN HAIM

4 GABBIDON

7 DYER

11 HITZLSPERGER

14 KOVAC

15 UPSON

17 Mc CARTHY

18 SPECTOR

21 BEHRAMI

21 BA

22 DA COSTA

32 DIAMANTI

33 OBINNA

34 KEANE

37 JACOBSON

36 BRIDGE

40 EDGAR

POSSIBLY GOING

1 GREEN (GK)

8 PARKER

9 COLE

20 FAUBERT

23 ILUNGA

HOPEFULLY GOING

13 BOA MORTE

REMAINING

2 REID

5 TOMKINS

10 COLLISON

12 BARRERA

16 NOBLE

19 SEARS

24 NOUBLE

25 STANISLAS

26 HINES

27 SPENCE

28 KURUCZ (GK)

29 STECH (GK)

30 PIQUIONNE (pensioer)

31 BOFFIN (GK)

32 O'NEIL

NOLAN

FAYE

David Cameron Looks to West Ham for Policy Iniative

After promising to reinstate weekly rubbish collections in the last Conservative Manifesto, David Cameron has sent a fact finding team to Upton Park to study how West Ham are managing to clear trash on a daily basis. With Kovac heading for a Swiss landfill site today, Ilunga is rumoured to be on his way to Greece by the end of this week.

As if Aristotle's boys haven't got enough financial problems without Ilunga seeking free medical care! Watch out for economic meltdown on Monday as Herita becomes the last straw that breaks the Hellenic donkey's back! The poor old Greeks are certainly going to need a sense of hummus now!

Severing All Connections With Zola and Nani!

And then there were two! With Kovac off-loaded today and da Costa fleeing to Russia earlier in the week, Nouble and Ilunga are the only traces left of the disastrous Nani and Zola interregnum - and who would bet on them still being on the staff by the end of July?

What a disaster! I know Grant has his critics but, for me, the real damage was done by the undynamic duo. How much money was pumped down the toilet during their brief spell at the club? They took over a patient with a chest infection and left behind a terminal case with lung cancer. And somehow they personally trousered a wedge of cash in the process!

A Turkey for Turkey!

Have Bursapor got a death wish? Last week they were being linked with Green. Now they have switched their attentions to...Scott Carson!

Scotland Opposed to Great Britain Olympics Team

Bloody Scots! Not content with getting us to pay for their free prescriptions and university places, they have now come over all huffy about a Great Britain football team in the London Olympics. What's all the fuss about? It's not as if they would get a player in the team anyway!

Hines Now Grovelling, Desperate for Contract

Poor Zavon. Little Chief Big Bollox thought he was something special on the back of that goal against Villa, so special that he felt in a position to complain about not being used by Grant and also to reject our first contract offer.

Well now it appears that he needs us more than we need him. He has twattered today that he doesn't want to leave the club after all and is keen to sign a new contract. Now why might that be exactly? Perhaps his agent has found that only the likes of Southend and Leyton Orient are interested.

Will Allardyce fancy Hines? Somehow I doubt it. I was very excited by the way he took that goal against Villa but that now looks increasingly like a flash in the pan. Where Sears was "born again" last season, the Bible bashing Zavon Hines looks increasingly like a false prophet to me, destined to wander forever in a footballing wilderness. Show him the door Sam!

Great Expectations Under Allardyce

This is the fifth time I have contemplated a post relegation season since I can consciously remember supporting West Ham (1965). There’s a pattern. If we discount the first time (1978) when the difference in quality and earnings between the two flights was not quite the chasm it came to be. It goes something like this.

We fans are devastated, of course, but then as the prospect of winning more games than we lose looms with the publication of the fixture lists, a certain optimism begins to creep back. It is usually not clear which players we will retain and which we will lose. We keep some we did not expect to and lose some that we did.

The first clutch of games bring slightly disappointing results; we are still perhaps winning more often that we are losing but it is suddenly not as straightforward; our rivals simply refuse to roll over and die; worse they fight like dogs- suddenly we are an ersatz Manchester United but ultimately we lack the resilience and killer instinct of the real thing. On only one occasion have we bounced straight back. (1993).

For the rest there’s been ructions on and off the park, a sacking, a new manager and a few judicious signings coupled with the emergence of the odd home grown talent and up we go to repeat the whole sorry process of under achievement again.

One of our problems in the Premier League/ top flight is that in common with most clubs our owners and managers have never been very good at creating stability or a cogent long term plan and then sticking to it- at least as far as I can discern. The big plan- if there ever was one under Terry Brown and the Cearns before that - has been confused or mealy- mouthed.

The club has never been good at understanding its true status- in denial when times are thin and lacking the balls and wit to capitalise when we had a shot (1986 and perhaps 1998/9 ?) Thus we settle for looking backwards and snuggle under the comfort blanket called the ‘West Ham Way’.

Not that discerning one’s true status is easy. One of the unrelenting pressures in football is the chronic short termism; as the saying goes you are never more than a fortnight way from a crisis on the pitch. In any given sequence of say five results, the press and we as fan,s demand to extract meaning from a series of statistics that, as much as anything else can be down to dumb luck.

In the course of 38 games dumb luck can be factor too but less of one when it comes to the final reckoning. In half a season we ought to be able to tell the difference between a team that’s playing well but unlucky and one that’s poor but occasionally lucky. This was Gollivan’s biggest blunder last season. They believed they were dealing with the former and three good results shortly after Avram’s reprieve seemed to show them in a clever light.

Extracting meaning from a given string of performances in the Championship is even harder than in the Premier League; it is a more balanced competition and a longer one; it is not uncommon for a team heading for relegation at the end of December to battle its way to the play–offs come May; and vice a versa. While the best teams always prevail in the Premier League; the most able to cope with the rigours of that league do not always get promoted from the Championship.

Past experience suggests this season is likely to be a grind. My advice is ; do not be quite as quick to jump on bandwagons of joy or despair. As it happens my expectations are greater than at any time in our second tier history. We have appointed a manager with the best win to lose ratio of any we have employed previously, has experience of every level of professional football in this country, a personal profile that’s a match for any big time player and has no time for slackers. It could be the start of something beautiful!

(Submitted by Kev in Manchester)

Allardyce Confirms Nobody Wants Our Old Irons

So Sam has confirmed that there have been no firm bids for our three England internationals. With £20m paid for Henderson and £16m for Jones, it seems that youth is the order of the day. When you buy an asset, you want to be able to depreciate it over a number of years. The going rate seems to be £2m per year for a quality player, so that establishes Parker's value at £4m to £6m, Green's at £6m and Cole's at...well we are talking quality players!

Of course, this presents a major problem for West Ham and Sam. Parker is not going to set the N Power alight if he stays. His energy and drive may be a "special quality" amongst the primadonas of the Prem, but sweat and guts go with the territory in the lower divisions. He may be a very good beaver but one beaver is much the same as another beaver in an orgy of beavers and Brazilians with a hint of flair are a much more attractive proposition if you want to impress.

As for Green, there will be plenty of big lumps happy to crowd him at corners and set pieces, exposing him as the flawed keeper that all sound judges of the art of keeping know him to be. Sam knows just how weak he is, of course, because he has repeatedly exposed him in the past.

And as for Cole, dropping a division will not result in wider and taller goals. If you can't hit a barn door in the Prem, you won't be able to hit a barn door in the N Power. In fact, Carlton is likely to be afforded more time to think before he shoots, and we know how that will screw up his performance!

So Sam is saddled with three "stars" he would much rather offload. The club, however, have unrealistic ideas about the worth of three jacks rather than kings of their trade. The problem is, as each week goes by, so the cost of retaining these three mounts. At £169,000 a week, it only takes a month to waste three quarter's of a million pounds - for sitting on their arses doing nothing! That inflated contract given to Parker is looking more and more stupid every day!

da Costa fleeing country to avoid trial

It used to happen a lot, just as the police closed in, so the traitors would flee to the other side of the Iron Curtain, trading incarceration in the UK for the Communist version of "freedom". But I thought that sort of thing had gone out of fashion. Not at West Ham it seems. Fresh on the heels of Obinna, who faced trial for crimes against footballing decision making, Manuel da Costa is now heading further East, trading the N Power Championship for the Nuclear Powered Communistship to escape the long arm of the British Law.

Like Obinna, da Costa, it seems, is intent on doing the locomotion in Moscow. If the reported fee - £1.3million - is true then we are making a very grave error but maybe it is the only viable option given Manuel faces a trial for sexual assault at Snaresbrook Crown Court. Another unhappy chapter in the history of West Ham may be about to close, remembering that da Costa arrived as part of the deal that relieved us of the services of wonderkid - as in wonder where he is? - Savio.

Nani strikes again!

Parker May Commit his Future to West Ham!

With the queue of clubs looking to buy Scott Parker shortening quicker than the finger nails of a nervous teenager on a roller coaster, West Ham's vice captain extraordinaire may be on the point of committing his future to the club - much to the consternation of Sullivan & Gold.

There's no doubt that they would like to see the bids come rolling in, relieving the club of the huge burden of Scotty's ridiculously inflated wages, and balancing out the splashing of cash on Nolan. As each week goes by, so £83,000 of cash is flushed down the Parker toilet, and the value of the "Player of the Year" dwindles. Hope must have flared like a match struck in a sewer when Lee Dixon urged Wenger to bid, but it seems as if the Frenchman is showing  typical Gallic indifference, making that contemptuous noise you hear when you ask a garçon for HP sauce with your moules frites. "Parker? Pffff. He is English and ancient."

Meanwhile, Levy keeps pulling on 'Arry's choke chain, dragging him away every time he tries to cock his leg against the gates outside Upton Park.

So what can Scotty do? His advisers are probably working on his press release even now. "There has been a lot of talk about Scott wanting to leave West Ham but at no point has he asked for a transfer. Scott is West Ham through and through and would like nothing better than to see out his career at the club. Of course if a Premiership side were to declare an interest, Scott would be obliged to weigh up his options but he can assure all West Ham fans that he will not consider a move to Turkey. Until a Premiership club tries to buy him, the guy loves West Ham and wants to help the club to regain its Premiership status ."

Obinna Defects

The final destination for Victor Obinna Nsofar says it all. Not good enough for Inter, not good enough for the Prem, not even good enough for West Ham at the end of the day, the Nigerian has been forced to move to the footballing gulag of Lokomotiv Moscow in order to earn his corn.

You have to laugh. Comrade Obinna wore gloves in the mildest English winter we have known for years - the early snow fall apart. God only knows what he is going to make of a Russian winter!  When the temperature hits minus 35, Victor's bollocks will freeze and drop off!

Taco Bell Want Barrera Back for Summer Season

The pot washer and part time till operative sent to us by Taco Bell last year is apparently required back to work a summer shift, whilst the doppelganger's lookalike, Pablo Barrera, continues to look a world beater in a Mexico shirt.

It's amazing isn't it, that a guy who looked crap even against Oxford can perform with distinction on a regular basis for Mexico? Maybe it really is a different guy - one short of stature Mexican can look very similar to another - or maybe the Mexicans are feeding him drugs that haven't yet been detected.

Or perhaps it is down to heart. Let's face it, the Mascherano that wore Claret & Blue was not the Mascherano that plays for Argentina and Barcelona or the Mascherano who turned out for Liverpool.

Maybe the shock of arriving in East London was too much for the boy: "But this is an even bigger shit hole than Mexico City!"

Or perhaps, with Barrera playing a couple of games a week for Mexico at the moment, Pablo regards August to May as his close season - a time to recharge his batteries for the season proper, starting in early June.

My money is still on the doppelganger theory. Taco Bell won the Fast Food World Cup last season with a little Mexican called Pablo as the star of the show whilst Mcdonalds crashed out at the group stage with McCarthy missing a Big Mac of sitters!

Promotion or Bust

There's still a distinct whiff of cynicism in the air regarding Sullivan and Gold but credit where credit is due, they don't appear to be skinting on finance at the moment. The signing of Nolan - likely to cost the club in the region of £15million in fees and wages - is a fantastic statement of intent and whilst it has echoes of the Hitzlsperger signing, timed to boost season ticket sales, nobody can quibble at such a huge investment from a team just relegated.

Of course, we are saving a fortune in wages already. The salaries of Dyer, Spector, Jacobsen, Upson, Ba, Hitzsperger and Bridge added up to a cool £360,000 a week or £18,720,000 a year. When Parker goes, there will be a further saving of £4.3million. With the parachute payment, we actually won't be that much worse off after that adjustment.

However, departing players have to be replaced of course, and Nolan is claiming what Derr Hammer was being paid. People keep saying that Nolan is the replacement for Parker but, of course, he is more a like for like replacement for the German.

We have Upson's replacement - and many expect Faye to be an improvement. Derr Hammer has been replaced by, in my opinion, a better player. Dyer, of course, didn't count. We desperately need a right back and left back and probably a goal scorer to replace Ba. But with seven new recruits mooted, surely the key positions are being prioritised.

It looks to me as if Sulllivan and Gold are taking a gamble, conscious of the need for a speedy return. It's shit or bust time.

Gold Playing Poker over Parker but Levy has a Full House!

Gold is doing his best to convince the footballing world that Parker could start the season in Claret and Blue but anybody with half a brain knows that this is just a bluff, hoping to bid Spurs higher before Scotty makes the inevitable move across town. Anxious not to allow Scotty's imminent departure to detract from the "coup" of signing Nolan, Gold is making all the right noises about Allardyce persuading Parker to stay after his return from holiday, but I doubt that Sam Pot even wants the guy.

Allardyce is Mr Pragmatism and he will look at the pound for pound return that Parker offers. How many goals and assists did Scotty contribute last season? A fraction of what Nolan offered! For Parker's £83,000 a week salary, Sam could tempt three quality Championship players to the club, and they would be able to do a squad job in the Premiership into the bargain after promotion.

Of course, Gold has to pretend we want to keep the man that the club staked so much upon but we all know now that the cards were played poorly. The sooner Parker goes, the quicker we stop chucking good money after bad. Gold is trying to bluff Levy but Daniel is no mug. 'Arry and Jamie have tapped up Parker and Levy isn't convinced he is the right man anyway. He will wait and wait and wait and end up paying £5million tops and Gold will claim , "We did all we could to retain him but Scott was intent on leaving".

Demba Ba - the New Defoe with Knobs On

So Dry Bones has upped and left, buggering off to the Barcodes just 6 months after joining us. It all sounded very dodgy when we signed Big Chief Broken Knee and, although it is not nice to wish ill on anybody, we all sincerely hope that the joint in question blows up like Pardew's dick just before the new season kicks off.

There's only one regret. That the punch thrown at the end of season gala ball didn't make a better connection!

Reo-Coker Anybody?

He's on a free. He would be bloody good in the N Power and the canteen could serve him up his very own Humble Pie if he returns. I'd snap him up and drop a note to O'Neill reminding him he paid £8million for a player now available on a free. And how about Zenden for a year?

Go for Gera!

Interesting to see that Zoltan Gera has been released on a free by Fulham. Like Nolan, he scores goals from midfield and, to my mind, he would be the perfect "shadow" for our new captain in the event of injury - and let's face it, history tells out Nolan will tear a muscle just before the new season kicks off! I would like to see Gera added to the squad personally.

Is it racist to be happy that Nolan is English and white?

A debate has been "raging" on here because somebody posted delight at the signing of Nolan because he is English and white. The contention is that this is racist, not least because the comment also referred to the player's commitment. I quote: "great signing and he is a white english player so he will have real heart for next season."

My initial reaction was that the comment might be in response to the betrayal of Ba, following on from the defections of Ince, Defoe and Reo-Choker. We might add to that list Piqiounne, Dyer, Faubert, McCarthy and Ilunga whose commitment to the cause has been questionable this season and Hines, if it is true that he is quitting the club. Many also believe that Cole's efforts fell some way short of 100% last season.

But then, we could point to Upson as a white player who has coasted. And Lampard demanded a move of course. And West Ham legend Scotty Parker - Mr 100% - is doing his level best to secure a move to Tottenham. So this clearly isn't a clear cut black and white issue, if you will excuse the pun.

That said, since the emergence of black players in the game, how many have truly endeared themselves to West Ham fans? The bulk of the Judas figures, unfortunately, are black and I think that the Big White Fat Judas Lampard had a legitimate reason to shaft the club after the sacking of his Dad and Uncle.

So, who are the black cult heroes? Clyde Best was something of a joke figure but fans were truly racist back then. The first black hero was probably George Parris and with good reason given he appeared 300 times for the club. But who else?

Rio of course, but he left when still a  Beaujolais Nouveau, he only matured in the bottle at Man Utd. Not his fault I know, but he still left before we saw the best of him - unlike, for example, Cottee (although Joe Cole left early too, as did Johnson of course.) Brother Anton never endeared himself did he? He appeared over 150 times but there was always a question mark over his passion and his enthusiasm if up against a Kevin Davies figure. Zamora gave his all and the fans loved him, but he has looked a much better player since joining Fulham. Mention him as a candidate for England whilst at West Ham and you would have been laughed out of the Duke of Edinburgh! Mullins was an unsung hero but you won't hear him remembered afectionately by many Hammers fans. Trevor Sinclair did well of course, and Shaka but would either make it into many fans' team of favourites?

Who else? David James? Hmmmmmm. Harewood. Hmmmm. Boa? Hmmmm. Carlton? Hmmmmm. Gabbidon? Hmmmmm. Obinna? Hmmmmm. Stanislas? Hmmmm. Savio? Hmmmmmmmmmm. Camara? Hmmmmm. Paintsil? Better at Fulham. Newton? Hmmmmmm. Quashie? Hmmmmmmm. McAnuff? Hmmmmmm. Titi Camamra? Hmmmmmm. Song? Hmmmmmmmm. Kanoute? Very good player but where did he go and how committed was he in a West Ham shirt? Gary Charles? Hmmmmm. Paolo Wanchope? Hmmmmmm. Ian Wright. But how long did we have him and Arsenal are his club really, like Brady. Foe? Only played 50 games. Les Ferdinand? 12 starts. Whitebread? Hmmmmm.  Matty Rush? Hmmmmmm. Small? Hmmmmmm. Mitchell Thomas? Hmmmmmm. Chris Hughton? Less than 50 games and really a Spurs man. Lero Roseinoir? Only started just over 50 games.  Justin Fashanu? Hmmmmm. Bobby Barnes? Hmmmmmm. Ade Coker? Hmmmmmm. It isn't a roll of honour is it?

Now turn to those who played last season and, ranking them purely on effort, who would be the top five players? Parker definitely. Noble probably (compare his return from appendicitis with Piquionne missing a game with toothache). Spector arguably. Tomkins unquestionably. Sears surely. O'Neil potentially. Green probably. What do they all have in common? And what nationality are six of them?

Then list the players who have sweated blood for the Claret and Blue cause since the emergence of black players. Could anybody argue that the real blood, sweat and tears merchants would be Alvin Martin, Julian Dicks, Scott Parker, Ray Stewart, Geoff Pike, Stuart Pearce (albeit briefly), Mad Dog Allen, Steve Lomas, George Parris, Steve Potts, Tony Cottee, John Hartson, Repka and Ludek Miklosko? (Bonds and co predate the black revolution in the game.) What do all but Parris have in common? What nationality are seven of them? How many come from the British Isles?

Is it racist to point this out? When you look at the facts, it is hard to argue against somebody expressing pleasure at the signing of a white Englishman based on commitment. Sadly, the facts support the view that this policy is likely to produce a more committed player wearing Claret and Blue. Have I been selective with the evidence? Well I've missed out Brevett but how significant was he? I've not gone back to John Charles, but then I've not included Moore, Bonds, Paddon, Pop Robson, Patsi Holland, Trevor Brooking, Alan Devonshire, David Cross, etcetera. If you go back that far, the stats count against black players because there were so few in the game.

And I will be honest here, I was pleased that we had signed a white Englishman and I am desperate for us to keep hold of Noble, Tomkins and Collison (Welsh I know) for the same reason. Because I am racist? No. I am pleased for the same reason that it was important for Viv Anderson and Cyril Regis to play in the 80's. White players are needed now as role models, an example to young white English boys that they too can play in the Premiership for West Ham: having black skin or being a foreigner is not a pre-requisite.

Racist? Perhaps the guy who left the original comment is a racist, I don't know. What I do know is that the stats appear to suggest that for West Ham, buying a white British player is likely to be a better bet than buying a black British player or a black foreign player. Why is that? I don't know. But if you want to argue the case, please give the evidence that contradicts this conclusion because present players and past players support that conclusion. Or have I got it wrong?

West Ham Plum Draw for Unseeded Teams

Just for one day, West Ham will assume the mantle of a Manchester United or Liverpool as a host of unseeded teams hope upon hope to be drawn against us in the first round of the Gnats Piss Cup. Of course, the added bonus is that the minnows would really fancy their chances of knocking us out!

Teams like Dagenham & Redbridge, Stevenage, Barnet and Aldershot would love it, just love it, if they got a pop at us, and a draw against Di Canio's Swindon would put the cat amongst the pigeons. Meanwhile a draw against AFC Wimbledon or Crawley really would invite David v Goliath headlines! The game will certainly be an early test to establish whether or not our soft underbelly has survived Sam Pot's drills.

As a Yeovil fan, I would hate to see us drawn against the Glovers. There would be no doubt where my allegiance would lie but I'd prefer Yeovil had a run in the Cup rather than being dumped out in the first round. A tie against Hereford would, meanwhile, invite a trip down memory lane. Anybody remember Dudley Tyler?

Is Nolan REALLY on his way for £1.5million?

If this is true, then somebody has worked a miracle! Nolan was my call for Player of the Year last season because of his 11 goals and 7 assists in the Prem for newly promoted Newcastle, and if he is wearing Claret & Blue next season, I suspect quite a few of the Parker acolytes will suddenly find themselves, reluctantly, agreeing with me.

Barton has twittered his fury at the deal and predicted an exodus from Newcastle. Who knows, he could be headed for Upton Park next season too.

I'm still not ready to believe it personally. This feels very much like when Sky Sports announced that Tevez and Mascherano were joining West Ham. I sat watching for the next 30 minutes expecting a correction - apologies we meant Tottenham Hotspurs.

I was underwhelmed by the signing of Faye. If we recruit Nolan I will be over the bloody moon. If this is Sam Pot's doing, then perhaps we can say "Stuff ethics" after all!

Faye Signs - The First of the Magnificent Seven!

Roll up, roll up, join the queue to buy your season tickets, the first of the big seven summer signings has been captured!

According to the Official Site, we have "snapped up Faye": that's snapped up in the way that a crocodile takes down an ancient wildebeest exhausted by a thousand mile migration presumably.

The OS boasts about seven imminent newcomers and Faye has a Yul Brynner haircut so is a fitting starter for the Magnificent Seven. Who will follow? I tell you what, if we complete the full set, I don't fancy Barrera's chances as the only Mexican for miles around!

Why is it, despite the hard sell on the OS, I find myself feeling distinctly underwhelmed by this news?

Birmingham City Club Statement Screams Desperation and Insanity!

Well, we thought we had dodgy owners at Upton Park! It seems that for Birmingham, it is a case of out of the frying pan and into the fire!

Follow the link below and read the crazy statement from the club regarding Villa's intention to interview McLeish. It is ill considered, poorly written and sounds like the whining of a teenage girl whose Dad wont let her shag her boyfriend in the lounge whilst her younger brother watches Blue Peter.

Birmingham are in a bloody mess which is great news for us. They were unlucky to go down; bouncing straight back up will need a miracle!

http://www.bcfc.com/page/News/NewsDetail/0,,10412~2376404,00.html

Zola for Birmingham!

There's a whisper around that Zola will be appointed manager of Birmingham! God I hope so!

Strangely, Curbishley isn't even being mentioned in dispatches despite being an ex player. Perhaps his time at Villa has ruled him out.

Dying Before Our Eyes

Fans of Scott Parker have made a big deal out of the fact that without him, "We would have been relegated by Christmas". My response, every time, has been to point out that we were relegated in May anyway - finishing rock bottom - so what was gained out of hiding the inevitable in December? The argument of the Parker acolytes falls down anyway when you remember that we were relegated at Christmas - sitting bottom of the table as we went into the Festive Period; and only one club bottom at Christmas has EVER escaped relegation from the Premiership.

What did delaying the inevitable achieve? Well it cost the club a fortune as we recruited Ba and Bridge on a combined salary of £150,000 a week for 5 months. That's £3,000,000 down the pan, before you take into account fees paid to their clubs. It's probably a net £5,000,000 actually. Then there was the decision to retain Parker. Had we cashed in on him in January, we may have secured £8million. I would be amazed if we get £5million now. That's another three to five million chucked down the toilet.

Then, of course, there was the failure to start the rebuild earlier. Players like Jordan Spence could have been properly blooded and Hines and Sears tested to the full, had we accepted we were down and started planning for next season. But like the mythical ostrich, we buried our head in the sand. Why?

Because that's what you do. You don't give up, not even when all logical hope is gone. You keep hope. You fight. You achieve dignity by facing into adversity and toughing it out. Which brings me to Terry Pratchett. I watched that programme last night. Well, I watched most of it. I couldn't watch the "climax" when a man completely sound of mind took his life in front of the watching millions because to say "No" at the last moment would have been humiliating.

The programme was an utter disgrace. I am not taking a position here on dignity in death - when somebody is in the final throws of agony it is absurd not to offer them mercy - but this Dignitas organisation is a factory of death, an Auschwitz under a different name, operating in the name of profit. Listening to the clipped Germanic accent of the woman who decides on who should live and who should die brought the names of Eichmann, Himmler and Mengele to mind. I felt huge compassion for the two condemned men at the centre of the programme and utter repugnance for Pratchett, a voyeuristic angel of death seeking personal solace at the expense of others. His assistant who voiced the opinion that this was "wrong" said it all.

I am not an emotional person but I was close to tears as I heard the dying man ask for water. There was a terrible resonance of the Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner, with Pratchett taking the role of the Mariner, bringing this terrible tale into our homes.

I witnessed no dignity, I witnessed life ending unnecessarily early, life surrendered for fear of being a burden on others. Where was the love? It was utterly absent. To hear a man on the point of self extermination tell his wife to "Be brave" said it all. He killed himself for her, not for himself, and from what I could see, she was happy to hold his hand and lead him to this C21st version of the Nazi gas chamber. As he snored his way into death, oblivious now of the audience who had pressured him into death, I wondered at the value of his estate and how his wife would now be living her life.

Dying a slow death isn't pleasant but it has to be better than people feeling pressured into an early exit. Of course we were down at Christmas but who wants to embrace death in the festive season? To witness this poor man kill himself as a Christmas present to his wife was truly horrific.

I suggest Dignitas design a new logo, reading "arbeit macht frei".

Fernandes Twittering Away About Buying West Ham Again!

Fernandes is off again, this time using "The Independent" to tart himself in the British media by claiming he is in the market to buy West Ham. What is very interesting is his failure to talk figures. There's loads of crap about "a good offer" and "something worth looking at" and a need to "look at the offer in its complete entirety" but no mention of any figures what so ever. What was Fernandes offering exactly and for what percentage of the club? He is strangely silent on those two points.

"But what business man would make public his offer?", the Fernandes apologists will argue. Well Fernandes himself, defending his ridiculous use of Twitter to court publicity, said: "But we were transparent. There was nothing in the end to say don't put it on Twitter."

OK Tony, you are transparent are you? So, let's hear the offer "in its complete entirety"! How much is being offered exactly, in its complete entirety? And for what percentage of the club exactly, in its complete entirety? And what will you bring to the table exactly, in its complete entirety? Come on Tony, you believe in transparency so get your bollocks out and put them on the table.

The Independent article is fairly neutral but nail exactly what is going on here when it is noted that Fernandes launched his bid "remarkably on the day Sam Allardyce was confirmed as the club's new manager". Remarkable that, truly remarkable. Fernandes is right, he is transparent, even Stevie Wonder could see right through him!

McClaren could make West Ham Squirm!

So the Wally with the Brolly has been appointed manager of Nottingham Forest. The man who landed the England job ahead of Curbishley and Allardyce now stands in our way of an immediate return to the Prem.

Love him or hate him - and let's face it, we all hate him - McLaren has a pretty good track record as a club manager. His friendship with Ferguson may also land him a quality loanee or two, after Daddy's Boy Darren has first dibs of course. That said, Allardyce and Ferguson are good mates too.

I'm worried about the McLaren appointment personally. It was good news that McLeish walked out on Birmingham but Forest will be leading contenders for promotion next season and I suspect McLaren is a better manager than many of us like to believe. Good news one day, bad news the next. That's West Ham all over!

Now Tottenham Turn to Rodwell

Poor old Scotty, with OLD being the operative word. It is looking more and more as if his age, and modest ability, are being held against him. Liverpool opted for Henderson, Man Utd want Modric, Wenger is disinterested in Parker, Man City have much bigger geese to cook, and now even Parker's banker bet, Tottenham, are looking elsewhere. Levy, it seems would rather INVEST £20million on Jack Rodwell than SPEND money on Parker.

So, the Player of the Year is "friendless in the market". Maybe some of the lesser clubs will come in for him when the big boys have splashed the cash but that would involve Parker leaving London and feasting on humble pie into the bargain. Could it be that he will stay put? Not a hope in hell! I reckon Levy is going to bid £3million on a take it or leave basis and, because of the wages, we will be forced to sell. That contract issued last August is looking more and more stupid by the day!

The Demba Ba Con Trick

So what is happening with Dem Bones Ba exactly? Not so long ago, the club were jumping up and down making squealing noises over an illegal approach for Big Chief Broken Knee, now it looks as if he is free to negotiate a move to where-ever he likes for a nominal fee.

Once again, one is left bemused by the utter stupidity and mendacity of our owners. I seem to remember Ba being quoted as evidence of the Board's commitment to preserving our Premier League status. The figure of £6million was banded around as a transfer fee - and that was absolute cobblers. I expressed concern at the time that Ba could break down at any point and that was obviously the reason why a deal based on appearances was finally agreed. The downside of that appears to be that we did not tie Ba to the club in any way. Like Keane and Bridge, he was effectively on loan.

So, staring down the barrel of the drop, Sullivan and Gold bought just one player in January - the smokescreen O'Neil, in case any of those texts sent about Martin had been saved! Commitment? It looks more and more like they were committed to the drop as a way of reducing the ludicrous wage bill.

Is Ba off to Newcastle? God only knows. One thing is clear, however; we didn't BUY him in January, we signed him on a Never Never deal which became a Never In A Million Years deal should we go down.

Green Heading for Bucaspor or Bursaspor

The latest rumour is linking Rob Green with a move to either Bucaspor or Bursaspor. Rob should check out the spelling carefully because one finished third from top and the other finished third from bottom last season.

Hang on Fenerbahce want Parker and Bucaspor or Bursaspor want Green. Why is it that only Turkish clubs are interested in our players? Might it just be that turkeys flock together?

A Postcard from Sam Allardyce

Whilst on hols, Big Sam has found the time to email the fans! He writes:

Dear Supporter,

It is an honour to be the new manager of West Ham United. It is a fantastic club with a great tradition and loyal supporters who deserve to be in the Premier League. I wouldn’t have taken this job if I didn’t think we could bounce straight back into the Premier League. More than that, I wouldn’t have contemplated the job if I didn't think there was the opportunity to build something substantial at West Ham. There is a core of very talented young players at the club who’ve come up through the youth system, have West Ham in their blood and who I know I can build a successful team around.

That's what I’m looking forward to, managing a club that wins more games than it loses and competing at the top of the table. We need to create a winning mentality and give the fans a team they can be proud to watch. I know there will be West Ham fans asking whether I’m going to abandon the style of play that's been the club's heritage over the years. All I’ll say is it will be a tale of home and away. At Upton Park we'll attempt to play the kind of passing game the fans want. We will aim to continue in the same way on our travels but we’ll also be tough, hard to beat and utterly resilient.

There is no short–cut to success. It has to be a building process and the Board are aware of that, but the key is getting back to the top as quickly as possible. There is a big job to be done, but it is one which excites me a great deal because the status and the history of the club are magnificent. West Ham have got great potential. This is a great opportunity to really further my career and I will do my very best in the first year to get us back up into the Premier League ahead of the ultimate move to the Olympic Stadium, which is so important.

I am determined to get this club back where it belongs as quickly as possible. The coaching staff and players will do everything to make that happen but we know we will need the fans with us every step of the way. Your support at a packed Upton Park can make a big difference and will be a massive factor in driving us on to our goal of promotion.

Sam Allardyce, Manager

Now I wonder who ghosted that? Answers on the back of a postcard please.

Fenerbahce Bid for Scotty and Scotty Says Yok.

According to the Mirror, Scotty Parker is wanted after all. There were rumours that Scotty might be heading for Villa but somebody got the wrong end of the stick - it was a villa, not the Villa! Turkish Champions Fenerbahce have bid for the Vorderman of the Premiership, but Scotty has refused to countenance the move. Yes he wants to leave West Ham but he only wants to go where he wants to go. Turkey may be OK for a holiday but Capello probably watches even fewer Turkish games than he watches games in England not featuring Man Utd or Chelsea, so Parker isn't interested.

According to the report, Scotty is being pretty picky about where he will run around in circles next. He wants to stay in London but will only countenance either Arsenal or Spurs. His boots are too big for Fulham or QPR it seems, and he understands that, although the Player of the Year, he doesn't stand a Kovac in the Premiership's chance of getting in the Chelsea team. Strange that!

So, given Arsenal aren't interested, it seems as if Parker is holding a gun to the club's head, saying "Sell me to Spurs, the club my Dad supported and the club managed by the Dad of my best mate Jamie." Never mind that Scotty is "Mr West Ham" and a "West Ham legend", it seems the guy is hell bent on joining a club hated by  95% of all die hard fans. It's a bloody good job Millwall are not pushing for a top four place in the Prem isn't it?

I know this is yet another Scotty article but he is the news at the moment. I'm sure all Greek Cypriots who support West Ham will be delighted about Scotty's refusal to move to Fenerbahce, but for all the other West Ham fans, it is a case of "Anybody other than Spurs please Scotty". But for Parker, there is only one option left and, when Spurs are allowed a free run, we know what will happen to the fee don't we? Back in May, the figure being bandied around was £12million. It quickly slipped to ten. Now we are "holding out" for eight. We will be lucky to get six. In fact, I predict a final fee of £4million with Levy and 'Arry 'appy on the basis of £2million per season as a write down value for the 31 year old midfield cog.

And if we do sell for £4million, how stupid will the decision look to retain him last August? His final fee will just cover the wages we paid him to lead us to rock bottom of the Premiership!

Player of the Year on the Cheap - Any Takers?

Dear God, what is going on exactly? Henderson has joined Liverpool for £20million, Phil Jones is off to Man Utd for £16.5million, Unreal City are lining up a £30million plus bid for Modric and are rumoured to want £50million plus for Tevez, Young is joining the United half of Manchester for £20million...and meanwhile Scotty is on holiday and nobody seems terribly interested.

So how does this work exactly? If he really was Player of the Year, why aren't clubs queueing around the block for Vice Captain Fantastic, Mr West Ham, the heartbeat of our relegated team? The highest figure I've heard for Parker so far in £10million, a fraction of the figures being paid for players who, apparently, trailed in his footballing wake all season.

How can we make sense of all this? Could it be that the journalists got it wrong when they voted for Scotty? Well, Vorderman has just won Rear of the Year, leaving Pippa Middleton behind, which seems like a bum deal to me. It just shows that those making these decisions don't know their arses from their elbows!

Come on now. Anybody want Scotty? Just 193,000 miles on the clock, three careful owners. Nice little runner, turns on a sixpence. Anybody? Anybody other than 'Arry? Come on, there must be somebody who wants him, this guy is the Player of the Year for Christ's sake!

Ah well, like Pippa's arse, I'm sure Scotty will look good in white!

The "Owen Style" Zavon Hines Bosman Portfolio

So Zavon Hines has turned down a contract with West Ham, with rumours suggesting that he was so fed up with the way that he was treated last season that he wants to make a clean break from the club. Certainly I picked up on one tweet from the illiterate numbskull when he moaned after a training session, "Some days theres (sic) no pleasing some people".

Of course, if Hines wants to go, there's no way we can make him stay. The fact that we paid him a wage through a whole year when he was laid off injured won't come in to the reckoning. Nor will the fact that we gave him his break in the game. Nor the fact that Hines was responsible for getting Wigan back into the game in that winner  takes all relegation six pointer. Hines clearly feels he owes the club and its fans nothing. Just like Defoe and Parker for that matter.

So I'm wondering what the Hines Portfolio will look like. Owen put together such a classy presentation that Ferguson fell for it and signed him. Mind you, he had something to talk about. The Hines Portfolio will consist of just three chapters: The Goal What I Scored Against Macclesfield; The Goal What I Scored Against Millwall; and The Goal What I Scored Against Aston Villa. One Premiership goal in 9 starts and a further 13 appearances as a substitute - it doesn't exactly set the pulses racing does it?

Of course there will also be the other chapter, "Zavon Hines, the New Michael Owen". That chapter can detail his injury history!

If he wants to go, fcuk him. I suspect that in a few years time, Hines will be on the books of Westcliff-On-Sea via Southend.

Di Canio Splashes Down in Swindon!

This is surely going to end in tears. I'm not sure whether a Nazi salute will preface a premature departure or if a string of poor results will get the job done first, but there is no way in a thousand nights of the long knives that PDC and Swindon are going to stay happily wedded together for very long.

It's rather like Casanova waking up after a night on the tiles to find himself in bed with Heather from Eastenders or Lewis Hamilton sitting behind the wheel of a Kia Rio. I know Swindon once had God in charge in the form of Hoddle, but Di Canio is bigger than God in his own mind and when he wakes up to the parochial nature of the town - an unfortunate accident off a slip road from the M4 - he is going to get very fidgety indeed.

Ladbrokes have already opened a book on which referee will go to ground first at the County Ground and spread bet specialists are offering odds on the furthest distance Paolo will be prepared to travel for an away game - with the clever money going just short on 70 miles, the distance from Swindon to Heathrow.

No doubt it will be entertaining whilst it lasts but the fact that PDC has splashed down at lowly Swindon tells you everything you need to know. Even Sheffield Wednesday didn't fancy appointing a man that idiotic West Ham fans would have welcomed to Upton Park as manager last season.

The big question for Sullivan & Gold is, do they hang on a month or so, waiting for the inevitable, or do they rename the Paulo Di Canio Lounge ready for the start of the new season?  To mirror our fall from grace, how about the Iain Dowie Lounge or maybe the Benni McCarthy Beefeater?

Nolan the Bait for Newcastle to Land Ba.

With Nolan refusing to sign a new contract, he is apparently trying to engineer a move and whilst dropping down a division may seem like an odd choice for a player who scored 11 goals in the Prem, he doesn't have an England career to worry about. He has two or three years left in him and West Ham probably pay more in the N Power than Newcastle in the Prem. And, of course, there is the Allardyce factor - they were together at Bolton and Newcastle remember.

In response to our bid of £3m, a £6m tag has been slapped on Nolan, but that isn't an out and out rebuff is it? It seems as if Pardew may not fancy Kevin's wife!

The £6m asking price sounds remarkably similar to the figure we are supposedly looking for in return for Ba. It also mirrors the £6m we would have been obliged to pay for Keane had we survived in the Prem. Pardew, of course, is in desperate need of a couple of forwards so don't be surprised to see a joint bid of £10million for Cole and Ba, with Nolan priced at £5m inside the deal. Nolan plus £5m for Cole and Ba would probably make sense for both clubs.

West Ham Buying Season Ticket Sales

Here we go again! It's that time of year when, desperate to sell season tickets, the Board reveal a host of players we are negotiating to "buy". With major credibility issues involved with claiming to be in the market to sign the likes of Beckham and Van Nistelroy this year, Sullivan has contented himself with giving a number - Five! Five players we are bidding for, Five! Not four, not three, not two, not one, but FIVE. Got that son? Five. Never mind the quality, feel the width. That's FIVE new players son. Five!

So with FIVE new players in the pipeline already - and Sam Pot still on holiday - how can anybody resist buying a season ticket, especially when the club are generously holding prices for next season in the N Power at the prices charged for the Premiership! You too can see Doncaster Rovers for the same price as you paid to see Man Utd. Unless you wait and buy them on the door at a knock down price of course!

I know that as dildo sellers, Sullivan and Gold are used to having overly eager cnuts as customers but surely even the most dim witted West Ham fan will see how he is being shafted; won't he?

KUMB Turning On King Scotty!

So, KUMB have woken up to what this blog has been saying for quite some time now. Six days ago, I ran a thread entitled "Parker does a Defoe" and came in for the usual abuse and tosh about Mr West Ham Scotty Parker. The parallel was unfair apparently.

Well somebody over at KUMB picked up on the article, left it six days for the dust to settle and has produced their own take on it, concluding with the judgement:

"A good player? Check. A fine servant during his time at the club? Check. A player who went beyond the call of duty at times? Check.  But a legend? Not by following in the footsteps of Jermain Defoe and walking out on us as soon as the going gets tough, you're not."

It's interesting to watch the revisionism happening before our very eyes. Never mind the Judas judgement, there's also the interesting appraisal of Scotty's ability. Note, KUMB call him a "good player" - no hint of genius there then!

Over on the Org, positions are shifting. Now it's not just Fanno and Fareham who are putting the boot in to Parker, more and more are waking up to the way Scotty has milked the club. Just wait until he has joined Spurs! How the Parker Groupies will exult when Saint Scotty is benched by 'Arry.

But will anybody come on here and say, "You were right all along"? I'm not holding my breath for some reason!

Italians Close in on West Ham Star.

Well, by star I mean a neutron star, dead to all intents and purposes but still glowing faintly in the firmament. The star in question is one Radislav Kovac, he who offers a passable impression of a lamp post when he takes to the pitch. Very passable in fact because opponents glide around him as if he isn't there, and very much like a lamppost because, just like the willing host to a mongrel's cocked leg, seeing him in Claret and Blue was always taking the piss!

And who wants him? Three guesses. A.C. Milan. Er no. Inter then. Not quite. How about Brescia then? Yep, you've got it, Nani is back in for another of his favourite darlings!

So how does this work exactly? Nani arrives at West Ham, spends buckets loads of dosh on footballing excrement and then buys it back again at knock down prices two or three years down the road. Does something stink here perchance?

Remember Duxbury saying that he and Nani had helped fund the purchase of Diamanti? They probably cut their personal commissions by 10% each!

There will be no tears when Kovac departs. All the tears were shed when Nani grabbed the club by its bollocks and squeezed!

Collison To Quit West Ham?

With all the talk about Parker looking to stay in the Prem, interest in Collison has gone beneath the radar. I've made no secret of my belief that Parker should have been sold last August, never mind now, but the loss of Collison would be a huge blow.

The injury to Collison is, in my opinion, one of the reasons why we went down. The kid is tasty. He has bags of energy - like Parker - and unlike his more vaunted team mate, he offers a very real threat in the final third of the field. He moves the ball quickly, can spot a pass, can cross the ball and isn't afraid to get in the box and shoot.

Collison can do for us in the Championship what Nolan did for Newcastle in the Prem last season. Losing him would be huge so let's hope Sam Pot can convince him that his future is at West Ham.

Keep Parker or Collison? No contest in my book. The future is Jack's!