Champions League Draws Means Tottenham Must Prioritise Prem

Well, we needed that Champions League draw like Avram needs Karren Brady to discover she has a clone. Until Lineker gave Barcelona a bye to the semifinal where they await the winners of the Spurs v Real Madrid quarter final, 'Arry might have cherished thoughts of actually winning the biggest prize in club football.

Had the draw been kind, Tottenham might have found themselves an easy route through to the final, via Shaktar and Inter. Real might have knocked out Barcelona and lost in the semifinal to Chelsea, with Inter winning their quarter final, defeating Man Utd over two legs. Tottenham would have still been an outside bet against the Plastics in the Final but they would at least have been in with a shout.

But not now. To win it, Tottenham now have to beat Real Madrid, Barcelona and probably one of Man Utd or Chelsea. Forget it. 'Arry might as well play the kids at the Bernabéu to save first teamer's legs!

So tomorrow's game now becomes the first in a series of Cup Finals for Tottenham as they chase a finishing position in the top 4 as their only route through to next year's Champions League competition. They have a taste for it now and will be desperate for a repeat helping next year.

The timing couldn't be worse. Until that draw, our need was the greater; now that's not so clear cut. We are playing to stay in the Prem; Tottenham to stay in the Champions League. Read like that, our chances don't seem great do they? But we beat them at Upton Park and a win at White Hart Lane is long overdue so, who knows?

Come On You Irons!

Queen Karren Brady Insists Mirror Is Cracked!

"Mirror Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?" demands Queen Karren as she takes out a legal action against the left wing rag for suggesting that she has sought to undermine Dear Old Uncle Avram. Perish the thought!

Her Royal Highness has always been solidly behind the man in the lucky scarf. Time and again, she has stressed how brilliant Avram is at his job and the goodly Queen was the very first to deny all rumours that Martin O'Neill had been offered the position of West Ham manager. It is true that no words were actually spoken by Her Majesty on the subject, and it is also true that a ringing endorsement of the incumbent manager was not forthcoming in her "Diary" in the rival Sun newspaper, and it is true too that the World and his wife were allowed to believe that O'Neill had agreed to take the job, with no denials from the Club whatsoever; but who cares about little details like that?

And so what if the Royal Prerogative was exercised when Her Majesty decided to announce to the world that we would not be signing Sidwell, without first telling Avram who was banking on the carrot topped midfielder bolstering his ranks; with the mighty Spector first in reserve, that was just a technical oversight!

No, Queen Karren has never once sought to undermine Mr Grant and has always offered him her total backing. That is clear to everybody! So, I'm glad we've got that straight!

In fact, Queen Karren loves Avram so much that she's probably planning on giving him a big red apple as soon as the season's over!

Mark Noble Injury Compensation Claim!

Direct Line have been trying to sue Mark Noble but calm down, calm down, it's the wrong Mark Noble! Now, if Direct Line had video evidence of our Mark Noble running around on a football pitch, I suspect they would win their case that the compensation award following a traffic accident was excessive. But it wasn't our Mark Noble, it was another Mark Noble, an altogether older and less talented, football wise, Mark Noble. But somehow, the reports have made their way onto the West Ham News Now boards!

Mind you, if the unfortunate victim had been called Kieron Dyer, Direct Line could have employed all the Private Dicks in the World and not found any evidence at Upton Park that the claimant could move about without help of a wheelchair!

Etherington may be cheating scum but backs Grant's claim of Darren Bent ref!

Bloody hell, have these footballers no shame? TV replays clearly showed that Etherington was tripped by thin air but, fearful perhaps that his bet on a missed penalty might not be paid out, Matty has claimed he "felt contact" to explain why he crashed to the ground in the penalty box.

Note that term, "felt contact". Explaining why he crumpled like a Bahraini protester shot by a high velocity rifle, Etherington said, "If people want to have a go at me, it's water off a duck's back because I know I felt contact." Oh dear God! Was he clattered? No! Was he tripped? No! He "felt contact"! It was Scotty breathing on the back of his neck, or his bookie touching his collar perhaps!

It used to be that Argies and Italians went to ground when they "felt contact". Now it seems even journeymen Brits go to ground at the merest hint of a challenge, at the merest suggestion of a foul! Perhaps Etherington might like to watch the TV replays and explain how, exactly, he "felt contact" and how that foot of thin air sent him flying!

But even more telling is Etherington's explanation of why he went to ground. Remember, this was just one minute into the second half, one minute after the interval, one minute, perhaps after Pulis and Jones had put their heads together over a cup of tea and a promissory note. Matty's words are so, so, so telling: "At that stage of the game, and after their goal appeared to be a handball, it looked as though the ref was going to give us something."

O did it Matty? That stands repeating: "and after their goal appeared to be a handball, it looked as though the ref was going to give us something." The FA will surely be very interested in where that idea came from! Presumably, Grant will cite the evidence of Etherington when he is called upon to explain his own comments about the refereeing performance of Mr Jones! And presumably, the FA will then launch a much more appropriate enquiry into why, exactly, Jones seemed to put on red and white striped underpants at half time!

Grant Faces FA Rap for Telling the Truth! Bring it on!

Well, just as this site exclusively predicted, (http://thegamesgonecrazy.blogspot.com/2011/03/avram-grant-to-face-fa-charge.html), Avram Grant faces the prospect of a touchline ban because of his comments following the Stoke game. West Ham should welcome the investigation and implore the FA to conduct a public hearing!

Then, armed with video evidence, the club's lawyers should turn the hearing on its head and invite the FA to explain why a penalty was awarded when Etherington took a dive, why Stoke's second goal was allowed when Huth manhandled Hitzlesperger out of the wall and why we were not awarded a penalty after Tomkins was wrestled and then thrown to the ground by Walters. One dodgy decision is understandable, two makes the performance of the referee questionable, three makes the performance positively bent.

Both Pulis and Jones should be summoned to the enquiry and asked, under oath, if anything was said by the Stoke manager to the referee during the half time interval. Additionally, Jones should be asked if he was aware that Piquionne controlled the ball with his arm and if he felt under pressure to redress the error. He should be asked what he thinks the odds are of making three wrong calls in the space of 45 minutes, all favouring the home team. Pulis should also be challenged on whether Stoke players are trained in rough house tactics at set pieces and what action the club has taken against the three cheats subsequently.

Huth, Walters and Etherington should all face an FA rap for cheating and given bans. If Grant is in trouble for what he said, why aren't the three Stoke cheats on a charge for what they actually did? Aren't the FA's priorities arse about face here?

Bring the enquiry on I say! How can we lose? If Grant gets a touchline ban, nobody will notice anyway!

After Stoke Debacle, Technology is the Only Answer

I watch the cricket World Cup and see controversial dismissals referred to the third umpire. I watch the Six Nations rugby and see "tries" referred upstairs to check that they are legitimate. I go horse racing and a photo finish determines the winner. And yet here we are, in football, with game after game being won and lost not through the brilliance of the players, but because of the incompetence of the referees and his assistants.

I don't hold with the argument that the decisions even themselves out over a season. Will we be reinstated into the Cup later in the season? Will any three points be as important as the two we lost and the one Wolves gained as a result of Clattenbung's crazy decision in the last minute of our game at Molineaux? Will Arsenal get another bite at the Champions League this season?

The argument that technology would slow down the game is also nonsense. We knew by the time Etherington took his penalty that the decision was wrong. He wouldn't have tried it on in the first place had he known that his cheating would be exposed and a red card issued in consequence. Nor would Huth have pulled Hitz out of the wall had he known that the goal would be ruled out anyway and he would be given a red card for cheating. But anyway, the players were still celebrating the goal as TV replays revealed Huth's cheating. And as for the Walters foul on Tomkins, our players were still arguing with the referee as we watched the replay on TV.

The failure to use technology is a cheats charter. We want to see games decided fairly by players, not unfairly by incompetent or bent officials!

Dyer announces he has no money worries!

How galling is it to read that money is not a factor for Dyer when he decides where to sit out his football next season? Money isn't an issue but he refused an offer to buy out his West Ham contract of course - well why would you walk away from £83,000 per week for sitting on your arse in the treatment room?

Kieron positively gloats when he says, "I have not got to think about money in the summer when my West Ham contract ends. It is a good situation to be in" and, in case we missed it first time around, adds, ""I don't have to worry about money and through my injury problems it has been wanting to play that has driven me on." Bollocks! What's driven him on is the next pay cheque and the fact that a compensation payout in the event of career termination would amount to a reduced payment overall .

So Dyer has kept himself one hop, skip and limp ahead of retirement for three years now, in the process pocketing in the region of £13million for doing next to nothing. Dyer doesn't want to be known as a sick note apparently. Quite right too, if he is a piece of paper, it is a bank deposit slip!

Unreal Allergy Attack Lays Star Low!

You have to laugh at the thought of Super Mario Balotelli being allergic to grass! Allergic to cannabis would be fair enough but we are not talking the stuff dope heads smoke, it's the stuff football pitches are made out of that bring Balotelli out in a rash! Luckily for Unreal City, their £24 million man isn't allergic to all grass, but like the wrong type of leaves on Railtrack lines, it's only certain types of grass that stop the wacky Intercity kid from running!

Poor Super Mario only became aware of his ailment last week when he came out in a rash in Kiev and it makes you wonder what other latent ailments footballers might suffer from. It would seem that Ba is reduced to a physical wreck by the mere mention of Stoke. Tristan was definitely allergic to running, whilst Kovac is rendered dizzy by a football! Rob Green and vampires share the same aversion to crosses and Boa loses all sense of direction when he gets within 25 yards of the back of the net!

But the worst sufferer of all is Kieron Dyer. Never mind grass, the mere mention of competitive football obliges the poor sod to have a little lie down lasting nine months!

Here's hoping that Blackpool, Wigan and Wolves are all allergic to the run in at the end of a season and that Stoke choke on the Wembley grass!

Pulis Airbrushes Huth out of Picture!

Look at that picture below. Ignore the fact that the ball would have hit Parker on the shin half way up had he stood still. My big question is where the Hell is Huth?

Video evidence clearly shows Huth's arm around Hitzlsperger's waist, pulling his fellow German out of the of the wall whilst, no doubt claiming, "I am only following orders!" Hitz is still on the move in that picture but where is Herr Huth exactly?

Has Pulis, fearing an FA style Nuremburg trial, tampered with the evidence? Has he recruited former members of the Stasi to airbrush Huth out of the photograph?

Or have Stoke invented a new secret weapon? Never mind the Delap Hurl, have the Potters developed an invisible paint that renders players invisible to the naked eye and still cameras? It might explain why Upson was standing five yards away from Huth when the opening goal was scored and why Cole didn't seem to realise the giant German was up his arse everytime he touched the ball.

Did anybody count how many players Stoke had on the pitch? Were there eleven plus the invisible Huth?

Vorsprung durch Technik - It's German for Cheating Northern Bastards!

Parker to blame for Stoke's winner

There's a lot of talk about how West Ham players were pulled out of the wall for the Stoke winner, but the photographic evidence above challenges that assertion. Where is Huth, the accused man? Is he invisible? Did Shawcross cover ground at the rate of Usain Bolt, dragging the reluctant dead weight of Parker behind him into the bargain?

It looks as if Hitzlsperger and Parker are taking evasive action to me! And you can see the ball deflecting off Parker's foot, which is why Green was unable to save it. Look at Green's position. The ball is clearly heading straight down his throat until it flicks off Man of the Match Scotty Parker. I said in my match report that the Man of the Match award should have gone to either Green or Sorensen; I'm even more convinced of it now!

Avram Grant to face FA charge?

Well Avram seems to be losing his patience with the idiots with the whistle at long last. Up until now, he has bitten his tongue and exercised discretion, despite the folly of blundering officials. But after the rank display of Mr Jones yesterday, Avram has cracked.

True Avram stopped short of calling Jones a cheat, but he suggests that the referee was a homer in the second half, intent on making up for his error in the first half. Admittedly Avram uses the word "maybe" but he doesn't pull any other punches when he says,  "Maybe this [Piquionne's goal] is the reason the referee started the second half very, very strange. Until they scored the goal, he gave fouls and penalties, everything for them."

And Grant was equally as blunt when it came to the failure to award Tomkins a penalty after he was wrestled to the ground by Walters, saying, “It was a penalty for us at the end and he didn’t give it. Maybe he felt a little bit weak.”

Ferguson is on an FA charge for his outburst following the game at Chelsea and Grant is in similar territory with his comments. He is spot on of course, but the FA don't want managers to be honest when they talk to the press do they?

Will Grant receive an invitation to explain his comments? If so, he should go along with a recording of the game and ask the powers to be to explain why Etherington was awarded a penalty when he wasn't touched and why Tomkins wasn't when he was clearly thrown to the ground. An explanation from the FA and Mr Jones might just be appropriate in the circumstances!

Hang on. Mr Jones? Is that really his name? Or has Clattenbung The Homer assumed an alias?

The Decision to Play the Semifinal at Wembley is Absurd!

With Stoke meeting Bolton, it should be at bloody Twickenham!

Stoke Aggro 2 West Ham 1 - Bullies Win the Day!

Well, at the end of the day, we can claim we were unlucky but, if truth be told, Stoke battered us for 45 minutes and we were very fortunate to go in at half time level. Yes, the referee more than made up for his failure to spot the Piquionne handball with a series of decisions in the second half that put him well and truly in the Homer camp, but the guy who cost us the game was not the guardian of the whistle, it was Manuel da Costa.

First half, da Costa dawdled, was closed and put the ball into touch stupidly. Stoke duly scored from the Delap throw, courtesy of a foul by Walters on Upson. I don't think you can blame the officials for missing that one because I didn't see it in real time. However, the failure to give the penalty when Walters pulled Tomkins to the ground in the second half is a completely different matter.

Second half, da Costa conceded the freekick needlessly that set up the second Stoke goal. True, it needed a further contribution from the referee, giving handball against Cole when the initial free kick was blocked, but Cole did jump and the ball did hit his arm. Parker was right, Cole was protecting his pretty boy looks, but we would have been shouting for a free kick at the other end so again, I don't think we can point the finger at the referee for that one.

Much more of an issue is the fact that we allowed Stoke players into the wall and let them break out and leave a hole. It was a well executed free kick and further tribute to the work done on the Stoke training field on set pieces. Green was very unlucky. He got down, got a strong hand on the ball and so nearly pushed it wide. It was cruel fate for it to his the post and roll agonisingly behind the line.

Green deserved better. It is beyond me how Parker was made man of the match. That honour surely had to go to one of the two keepers. Green's penalty save was fabulous, his save from Etherington's header in the first half excellent and he coped admirably with the barrage of crosses into his box all afternoon. At the other end, Sorensen made a fantastic stop from Obinna and a brilliant reflex save from Keane. Yes Parker played well, but in the last 10 minutes he went back into headless chicken mode, charging around all over the pitch and forgetting that there were colleagues out there to pass to. We lost our shape as a result and it became like kids football, which suited Stoke better in the circumstances. That said, we were so unlucky when that Upson header crashed against the bar!

The penalty decision in favour of Stoke was disgraceful but I warned before kick off that Etherington would skin Tomkins and so it proved. Matty was a danger all afternoon and whilst he dived for the penalty, he turned Tomkins inside out to get into the box in the first place. It was a mistake not to play Jacobsen and a mistake to play da Costa, just as I called before the start of the game. I praised Grant last week for his flexibility; Pulis out thought him today by pushing his wide men high and pressing us back.

Let's hope the Piquionne injury isn't serious. I saw enough of Obinna today to know he is not the man to keep us up. Hopefully Parker and Hiztlsperger have come through the game unscathed and Ba was rested and not injured. The dream of the Cup is gone but if Stoke's focus is on Wembley, they may yet get sucked into the relegation scrap, although playing like they did today, I'd be amazed if they didn't bully their way to safety. It's ugly stuff but it can be effective, especially in end of season matches against opposition with nothing to play for.

Player Ratings: Green 9; Tomkins 6, da Costa 4, Upson 5, Bridge 6; Noble 6, Parker 7, Hitzlsperger 6; Piquionne 6, Cole 4, Obinna 3. Subs: Spector 5, Keane 6, Hines 4 (what was that push all about in injury time?)

Half Time Stoke 1 Piquionne's Arm 1 - Brainless & Lucky So Far

Somebody needs to talk some sense at half time. Thus far, we have allowed Stoke to dictate the tempo and style of the game. We are being bullied and are not thinking our way out of the problem. We need to get hold of the ball, pass it around and take the sting out of the match. But can we do it?

How mindlessly stupid was da Costa when he put the ball out for a Delap throw one foot from the corner flag? He was slow to deal with the situation in the first place and then, when he was closed, I was screaming at him to hammer it against the Stoke player or put it out for a corner. Under NO circumstances should you give Stoke a throw in that position. But da Costa is brainless so he very deliberately conceded the throw. And it was obviously going to be a goal as soon as it went into touch.

Of course, we should be able to deal with the situation. We know where the ball is going, and we know that Huth is the primary target, but the German was still given a free header after Walters blocked Upson's run. It was a foul but that happens every time the ball is played into the box for a Stoke set piece. Handball is a little easier to spot!

The Hitzlsperger pass to Piquionne was superb, and the Frenchman finished brilliantly, but Clattenbung would have disallowed it, even without the help of a linesman. Freddie handled it, no question. But who cares?

Going forward we have been poor. Obinna has looked crap and behaved disgracefully again when booked. His feigning injury was pathetic; to then jump up and complain in a Lazarus style recovery would have earned him a red if I had been the referee. I fear he will collect another yellow if he comes out for the second half. I would bring on Keane and go 4-4-2 personally.

At the moment I can only see one winner. Upson has looked like a rabbit in the headlights all game, Tomkins is struggling against Etherington and da Costa is on a dangerous yellow yard, like Obinna. Keane is our best bet in my opinion, if Grant decides to risk him.

Ba Out, Obinna In

So, Avram has tweaked it, but just a bit. Obinna comes in for Ba, but otherwise we line up as last Saturday. The OS doesn't yet carry Stoke's team so we don't know the extent to which we are set up to counter Pulis's side but I suspect Obinna is there to give more protection to Tomkins whilst, at the same time, sparing Ba from brutal reprisals at the hands of the Stoke thugs.

I would have picked Jacobsen, personally, and moved Tomkins to centre back but I can see the logic of retaining da Costa, given Stoke's threat at set pieces. So, it's all set up for a classic. Fingers crossed that Avram may yet be taking us to Wembley!

All Change for Stoke and Trains to Wembley!

So, what do the managers do as we go head to head again one week on from our 3-0 victory over Stoke at the Boleyn? Everybody was clear that survival in the Prem took priority over winning the Gnat's Piss Cup but somehow the Not Won It For Aeon's Cup clouds the issue. Both teams stand on the brink of Wembley, even if we are only talking about losing a semifinal, and the history of THE Cup means that it would be a brave manager indeed who picked a weakened team at this stage. Ferguson did it yesterday but even Wenger went for his first choice eleven!

Until last weekend, Pulis wouldn't have felt any sense of dilemma. Until we thumped them, Stoke stood aloof of the relegation battle, their Premiership survival not secured, but very probable. That all changed last weekend. They have both feet in the quicksand now and can feel the downward pull. They only need two wins to survive and will almost certainly get them, but pressure can do strange things to the head, and so can the prospect of a Cup Final!

Stoke will go for it today regardless, with Pulis picking a full strength team. That means that Kenwyne, Ricardo and Matty will start because Stoke looked much better when this talented triumvirate took to the field last weekend. Pulis will therefore test Avram's tactical nounce to the full. Will Grant set up to compete with the aerial bombardment or will he pick a specialist right back to deal with the threat of Etherington and the more talented tackler in the centre to deal with the trickery of Fuller? I would go with Jacobsen at right back and Tomkins in the middle personally but Grant will be crucified if he does and we come unstuck.

What about Parker and Hitzlsperger? Do we risk them or should Grant protect them, wrapping them up in cotton wool ahead of the game at Tottenham. Parker is carrying an injury already. Remember the game at White Hart Lane last season when Parker started when only 80% fit and came off inside 20 minutes. We were murdered.

And up front, dare Avram risk Ba, or will Obinna get a run out? Obinna has a good record against Stoke so a case can be made for including him offensively. But again, vital inches would be conceded when trying to defend set pieces.

So will it be all change for Wembley or no change at all? Should Avram prioritise the game at Tottenham or go for the Cup without any sense of compromise? I'm glad I don't have to pick the team today because selection is fraught with dangers.

Birmingham v Bolton. Who needs a midfield?

Wenger should watch the game! There's no way that Barcelona could have defended on the edge of the Birmingham and Bolton boxes as they did against Arsenal. Owen Coyle has supposedly changed Bolton's style of play, but you wouldn't know it watching this one!

Both teams went route one, and did so with typical bludgeoning success. I'm not suggesting that either could live with Barcelona, but both would give the Catalans a more uncomfortable ride that Arsenal gave them. Clever managers adapt tactics according to the opposition - aka Grant's change of team and tactics for the Liverpool and Stoke games - but some are too pig headed to take the opposition into account.

After 20 minutes of the Barca game, the situation was crying out for Arsenal to change tactics. If Barca wanted to press around the edge of the Arsenal box, the obvious tactic was to bypass midfield. Get the ball, lump it and chase after it! But how could the Gallic purist sanction route one football? Coyle would have said "Bollocks to style" and ordered the cavalry charge!

And if Bolton finish top half and make it to the Cup Final, a strong case could be made for Coyle to be manager of the season. Unless we get past Stoke and dump Bolton out in the semis of course. Then Grant could be in line for the award providing we don't go down!

Birmingham Injuries Mount

Good news from St Andrews. Already without Johnson and Dann, Birmingham lost Jirinek and Ferguson in the first half against Bolton. The result was that a normally tight defence shipped three goals and Birmingham crashed out of the Cup.

I know it's not very sporting but let's hope the injuries are not too trivial. Birmingham do not score a lot of goals and need to keep games tight to win points. They have only won six games all season long in the Prem and, if they ship goals, some of their draws will turn into defeats. They could yet go down!

Injury Blow to West Ham's Survival Chances

It's that time of the year when stones dropped into unrelated pools, even Liverpools, have ripples that can have tsunami like consequences. What possible impact can an injury to Steven Gerrard have on our chances of avoiding relegation? Well, of course, we have completed our fixtures with Liverpool so the injury to their midfield general will not benefit us, but they still have to play a number of our rivals who could therefore benefit to the tune of an unanticipated point or three.

The counter balance in the case of Liverpool, of course, is the return to fitness of Carroll and the signing of Saurez. I'm glad we met the Reds when Carroll wasn't ready and Gerrard was clearly struggling. On the other hand, Valencia is on his way back for Man Utd and Nani should be fit for our game with them at Upton Park. Rio also has more recovery time and so could be back to marshal the Mancs defence. Switch the attention to Spurs and they have 10 days free ahead of our battle at White Hart Lane, crucial time to get Van der Vaart and Ledley King fit and ready, amongst others.

The argument is that these things even themselves out over a season but that is not always true. West Brom benefitted from playing Birmingham in their rival's first game after winning the League Cup, when focus was less than 100%. Those teams who played Liverpool in the early days of Hodgson's rule had a distinct advantage against those who played them later - and we played them later! There was a good time to play Chelsea this season - and we did not benefit from that window. It is easier to play Newcastle now than earlier in the season - and we have completed our fixtures against them. Had our game against Man Utd been this weekend, Nani, Valencia and Ferdinand would definitely not be available. And so it goes on.

There's no point in moaning, of course, it won't change anything, but luck is a factor in where you finish at the end of the season and sometimes, if luck is cruel or kind, it can make the crucial difference. We stayed up in the Great Escape season because we shafted Lady Luck remorselessly (THAT goal at Blackburn, Arsenal's 35 shots but no goals, Big Spam leaving Bolton in the week of our game, Man Utd resting stars in the last game of the season), let's hope that the injury to Gerrard isn't the first evidence of Lady Luck stealing a strap on from the Davids' warehouse in readiness of pay back!

Dyer Trades Treatment Rooms!

Brilliant! Dyer has been sent back to Ipswich for a month. So, rather than pay him £83,000 a week to sit in our treatment room, we are now paying him £83,000 a week to sit in the Ipswich treatment room instead.

With his contract expiring in the summer, this obviously suits Dyer down to the ground. If he can complete the odd twenty minutes here or there, he might land a new contract with some desperate and misguided club somewhere in the world.

But how, exactly, does this help us? Maybe, with everybody else fit, Avram needs the treatment room to house a couple of Thai masseuse so he can keep his extra curricular activities in house!

Will Tevez Ruling Bite Warnock Where It Hurts Most?

Oh the irony! Neil Warnock still moans that he lost his job at Shafting United because we cheated when signing Tevez on a third party agreement, and now QPR's promotion is at risk because Warnock has been playing an Argentine, Faurlin, who was signed on exactly the same sort of deal!

Now I have a soft spot for Rangers - going back to the days of Francis, Bowles, Thomas and Given - but it would be delicious if they were brought to book for this, deducted points and Warnock missed out on a return to the Prem as a result. Talk about hoisted by your own petard!

I bet Sheffield United are preparing a legal action even as we speak, blaming QPR and Faurlin for their imminent relegation to the third tier of English football. They have got their just deserts. Now we just need Warnock to  miss out on promotion at the other end of the table. If that happens, I might believe there is a god after all!

Back in the Bottom Three!

Birmingham have drawn away to Everton. When you are in the shit, it's never easy to get out of it. Unless your name is Gaddafi!

Let's Hope Birmingham Choke On The Toffee!

Another day, another big game in our relegation struggle - even though our players are in Portugal. Birmingham travel to Goodison Park and a point for our League Cup conquerors would see us sink back down into the bottom three. Victory for Everton would mean, however, that Birmingham start to sweat. They would then have only one game in hand and would remain a point behind us.

You never know which Everton team will turn up of course. Some weeks they look as if they are back to their best; the next they look bloody hopeless. Hopefully Arteta will show the same form as he displayed against Newcastle and Saha will have his shooting boots on. A two goal defeat for Birmingham would do us very nicely as we would then have a superior goal difference too.

I warned that they might pay a high price for their League Cup victory. Here's hoping!

Barca - Football from another planet - But West Ham could do it!

Now I'm not being silly here, we can't do the Messi bit in the final third I accept, but that apart, we could learn a lot from watching Barcelona tonight. It's not the attacking that left me breathless, but the way Barca play when they DON'T have the ball.

Arsenal did not have a single shot all night. Why? Because they couldn't get the ball out of their own half! Inside twenty minutes I was calling for the introduction of Arshavin and Chamakh and for Arsenal to go long ball. Their attempt to play the ball out from the back was clearly not working because of the way EVERY Barcelona player pressed. In effect, Barcelona defended on the edge of the Arsenal penalty box!

So time and time again, Arsenal managed three or four passes and then lost the ball and, because Barcelona were winning the ball in Arsenal's half, and more often than not in the final third of the pitch, launching an attack was then easy. When you win the ball that high up the pitch, you only need two passes to open up a shot on goal!

The other thing that was fascinating was the number of times Barcelona players drifted offside, looped behind a defender and then came back on in a "blind" position. The ball retention was beautifully simple with Barcelona lining up five players across the pitch like a rugby three quarters line and moving the ball sideways, backwards, sideways, sideways, sideways, waiting, waiting, waiting, then Messi steps back onside and the ball is released and everybody springs into action. It is almost counter intuitive. Instead of piling players into the box, Barcelona ignore the penalty box until the trap is sprung, with until that point, all bar one of the players parallel to or behind the man in possession. There is no centre forward, there are no strikers as such, it is fascinating to watch and a whole new way of playing football.

Of course Messi has sublime skill but it is his movement and patience that opens up teams more than any devastating passing or fantastic dribbling. I'm not saying we can do what Barca can do with the ball but we can reproduce the movement of the man furthest forward, this tactic of going offside and looping behind the defenders whilst the ball is retained.

We can also press like Barcelona, pinning opponents in their own half rather than closing on the half way line. It won't work against the likes of Bolton, they will go long ball, but it would work against Spurs for example.

Arsenal will moan about the sending off but Van Persie was always going to see red after that flare up in the first half. Wenger should have pulled him off at half time. I don't believe for one moment that he didn't hear the whistle but the red card was ridiculous regardless, as absurd as Piquionne's sending off at Everton. What a mad game it is when Carragher doesn't see red for that potential leg breaker on Nani but Van Persie sees red for having a shot after the whistle was blown. Common sense? Referees are devoid of it obviously!

Anyway, I hope Grant was watching tonight and that Ba, Cole and Piquionne start working on the offside, onside routine. It's pretty easy to do, providing you have midfielders with the intelligence to retain the ball until a player steps on unseen and in space. In Noble and Hitz, we have players with that ability!

And Barca play in their version of claret and blue!

Grant Cocks Up Again! Brady Will Be Delighted!

When the team went clay pigeon shooting and go kart racing as a team bonding exercise, Queen Karren complained it was because the management couldn't find anywhere sunny, writing in The Sun (ironically), "Our plan to send the players on a warm-weather break collapsed because the management couldn't find anywhere warm."

Well, wouldn't you know it, Avram has taken the squad to Portugal and it is pissing it down! Brady will be sniggering all the way through her weekly waxing!

I've been to Portugal in late February and it was cold and hacked it down all week. Might I suggest to Avram that he considers the Canary Islands next time!

Tomkins at right back shows the way forward

I'm not a fan of Tomkins being used as a right back, he is far too good a centre half to be wasted in that role and lacks the crossing ability when in advanced positions to fulfil the right back role, but the tactic employed by Grant against Stoke shows the advantage of having tall men in the defensive positions. Our priority should therefore be to source a pacey and tall right back to play in that position next season.

I like Jacobsen but he is, like Ilunga, short on inches. Spector has the height but lacks the composure and ability to do the job and Faubert is too short, too indisciplined positionally and is leaving anyway. Jordan Spence may be the answer and his loan spell at Bristol City could be the making or breaking of the lad. However, even if we are only looking for Jordan's understudy, the brief should be to find somebody with pace AND physical stature.

Most agree that the squad is now looking very good but, if we do stay up, we still face problems for next season. Upson will almost certainly leave and da Costa and Tomkins are too inexperienced a pairing to start as first choice together. We will need to find a leader for the back four therefore. Bridge is only on loan, of course, so he will leave in the summer, unless Man City fancy giving him away and paying 50% of his wages until his present contract runs down. That's a possibility but is unlikely.

We therefore need a right back, a centre back and a left back in the summer. Any ideas?

Blackpool Lose Again - That's 9 defeats in 12!

Are Blackpool doing a Sheffield United? Two wins in the last 12 games certainly suggests so. They have now taken 7 points from the last 36. Average that out over a season and they would end up with 22 points!

Typically, they showed great spirit again tonight, pulling back a goal despite being three down; but is spirit enough? And having conceded seven in their last two games, is that spirit now at breaking point?

We are a point behind the Tangerine Dreamers with a superior goal difference. If they average the same number of points per game over the next 9 matches as they have done over the last 12, they will finish on 37 points.

Liverpool's Carragher should be on FA Charge for THAT Foul!

The more I see it, the more premeditated and disgraceful it looks. I know Carragher is a carthorse these days but not even he is that slow and clumsy surely. There is NO attempt to play the ball and plenty of leg breaking intent from what I can see.

West Ham fans have been having a pop at Shawcross for the foul on Parker, but I believe the lad was just fractionally late with that one. It happens.

The Rafael challenge looked bad but he had been raked from behind and never made contact anyway. The Micah Richards challenge against Wigan was bad and deserved red, but at least he was going for the ball, albeit recklessly.

Watch that Carragher challenge again, however. His eyes light up at the prospect of doing Nani and the studs look to me as if they are aimed at the shin. What's worse is the way the foot turns on impact and rakes downwards in what looks like a malicious attempt to injure. Carragher may claim otherwise but this is the yob who boasts in his biography that he considered getting his mates to do over Lucas Neill when the Aussie was spotted in a shopping centre.

There is no place in the game for that type of tackle. Never mind a Rooney elbow, that isn't going to end a career. Carragher's challenge made me wince and the FA should hit him where in hurts in return. Ban the bastard for a stretch!

Huge Game Tonight!

In this topsy turvey, utterly illogical season, how typical would it be if Blackpool turned over Chelsea tonight? And that would be an utter disaster if it were to happen.

That freak result against Spurs apart, the wheels have come off big time for Ollie's boys and they must be a good bet for the drop if they get a pounding today. The 4-0 hammering at Wolves shows how ordinary this Blackpool team really is and Chelsea have every incentive to put them to the sword, with the race on for third and fourth place and Champions League qualification.

Defoe did us a huge favour with his two goals at Wolves - amazingly his first Premiership goals since last April - and we could do with another old boy stepping up to the plate tonight. No not Marlon, Frank!

I am a Plastic fan tonight. Let's hope they don't just win, we could do with them destroying the Tangerine Dreamers, hammering their goal difference and confidence in the process.

Clattenbung May Quit! Party Time for Piquionne!!!

Well I won't shed any tears if he does, and Freddie Piquionne should send him a card saying, "Not a moment too soon" following the disgraceful decision to disallow our last kick of the game winner at Wolves.

There will be lots of chest thumping, lots of people saying that the poor referees are in an impossible position, but some of these decisions are disgraceful. The Clattenbung one at Wolves was one of the worst I have ever seen because he was behind Piquionne when he made the call so it was impossible for him to see a handball, even if Freddie had handled it - which, of course, he didn't.

We may yet be relegated because of that decision, a decision that Clattenbung was impossibly placed to make. His arrogance in striking off that goal was incredible, and his failure to apologise afterwards and for labelling Piquionne a cheat by booking him, was disgraceful.

Go Clattenbung, go. And good riddance I say! But I suspect Ferguson will talk him out of it by offering him a new contract!

Should KUMB be stoking fires of football violence?

I do wonder at the wisdom of KUMB running a thread entitled "COWARDS" and reporting on how a handful of Hammers fans were attacked in Green Street by Stoke yobs yesterday. KUMB end the report with the prophesy "The incidents are likely to provoke further problems when West Ham travel to Stoke next weekend for the FA Cup quarter final" and now that is virtually guaranteed.

This sort of "reporting", especially under such a provocative headline, is highly irresponsible. The last thing we need is for our fans to go on the rampage next weekend. I have been hugely impressed with the way rival fans often mix together in the queue for the tube after games, with no sort of violence or intimidation in evidence. That is the new face of football that we should be reporting, not "stoking" (poor pun sorry) aggression and violence by making a mountain out of the molehill of some nasty incidents outside the ground on Saturday.

The best response from West Ham fans next weekend would be to conga in celebration of yet another victory. I fear, however, that thanks to KUMB, some mindless idiots are already planning retaliation. And if it kicks off at Stoke, what will happen at Tottenham?

Very silly on the part of KUMB. Very silly, very irresponsible and very dangerous. Are they really THAT desperate to achieve hits?

And whilst I am about it, why does every visit to KUMB send by Norton Virus checker into overdrive? Clear out the tracking cookies guys, it really aint the right way to treat West Ham fans visiting the site!

Two Points Behind Villa!

That shows what a crazy season this is! Villa are not a team who should be within a millions miles of being relegated. I know they lost Milner, but in Young, Ivebonkedawhore, Downing, Bent, Petrov, Collins and Friedel, they have the basis of a top 6 team. But instead, they are hovering above the precipice, staring over the edge.

Part of the problem is Houllier. They have also suffered from injuries, but not as badly as we have! When they murdered us on the opening day of the season, I thought they were an outside bet for a Champions League place, but then the Premiership went crazy, starting with Villa's 6-0 thumping at Newcastle.

I don't think Villa will go down, I simply use them to illustrate how crazy the division is this year. But, whilst we are on the subject of teams in Claret and Blue being too good to go down, Villa might like to think back to our last relegation: Carrick, Cole, Kanoute, Di Canio, Defoe, Johnson, Sinclair...is Villa's team any better than that?

One more thing. Ahead of our Cup game at Stoke, Grant might like to keep in mind what happened to Villa yesterday after Houllier decided to play a weakened team in the cup at Man City. Momentum is important and Cup success feeds success in the League; sacrifice momentum by picking an understrength team and the reverse may well happen!

Out of the Bottom Three But...

So we are out of the bottom three but any celebrations and talk of guaranteed survival are a tad premature. For starters, Birmingham have games in hand and seem likely to pick up enough points from them to climb above us. West Brom's win at St Andrews was very bad news indeed. Then there's the little matter of Wolves playing Tottenham tomorrow. Never mind that McCarthy's men seem to be Tottenham's bogey team, Spurs have the little matter of A C Milan on their minds. Wolves look a good bet to win to me.

Most would identify Wigan as favourites for the drop but they were incredibly unlucky to lose at Man City. It was a Green like error that cost them the goal and they could easily have netted three times themselves. And City were lucky not to be reduced to 10 men in the first half after a shocking foul by Micah Richards.

The trouble is, West Brom, Wolves, Birmingham and ourselves are all "too good" to go down, but between us, we have occupied the bottom spots all season. Maybe, just maybe, Blackburn and Blackpool are about to step into our graves as the season draws to its close, but would anybody bet on it? Blackpool's victory over Spurs illustrated perfectly what a crazy season this is!

People are talking about 40 points being enough. I doubt it. We went down with 42 before and I reckon that needs to be the minimum target, with 43 necessary for absolute peace of mind. Back to back wins have given us a great chance of surviving but things may look different after games against Spurs and Man Utd. The pressure is on and this will go down to the wire!

West Ham 3 Stoke 0 - Well Played Avram!

Wow. What a couple of weeks! That second half come back against West Brom! The hammering of  Burnley! That masterclass against Liverpool! And now a clean sheet and three goals scored at the other end! We have now netted 14 goals in the last three and a half games, conceding just 2 in reply! Going down? We might yet but this is pulsating stuff!

We were very good today. Not superb because we didn't have to be to beat this Stoke team; but there were signs of a fantastic team spirit. I loved the high fives and pats on the back. I loved the smiles. I loved the determination shown all over the pitch. And I loved the standing ovations afforded Ba, Cole and Parker when they were withdrawn from the fray. The crowd were still more subdued than they should be - the Stoke fans will put us to shame next week - but that apart, there was a real buzz about West Ham. We aren't just winning, we are playing well and enjoying it.

And I reckon Grant's critics aught now to apologise. The guy isn't just rotating players, he is picking teams and formations to suit the opposition. Last week, he used O'Neil to protect us from the driving runs of the Liverpool wing backs. This week, O'Neil was replaced by Cole, and Jacobsen by da Costa to deal with the aerial threat of Stoke. On both occasions, Grant got it spot on and, for the second home game in a row, we looked pretty damn solid at the back.

Up front, the movement and interplay of Ba, Cole and Piquionne was a joy today. It took about 15 minutes to click but after that, Stoke were at sixes and sevens trying to work out which big black guy was coming at them from where. They swapped positions, they pulled wide, they dropped deep, they played in midfield runners (and Bridge up the left flank), they switched the play across the full width of the pitch, they pressed Stoke when not in possession and they came off the flanks into goal scoring positions superbly.

In midfield Parker was superb. At last we are using him correctly, he is anchoring and only driving forward when sure there is cover behind. Look at the protection he gave to Bridge today, screening that left flank when Bridge ranged forward. For every free kick and corner, Parker was staying at home, protecting our goal instead of taking the corners or loitering outside the box. And when he ranged forward, he was incisive and effective. The run and pull back for the third goal was brilliant, as was the way Noble held the ball and slipped Scotty in. Piquionne was unlucky his shot was blocked but what a finish from Hitzlsperger! That ball was travelling and if Bergovic had got his hand on it, he would have needed it stitched on again afterwards! Noble claimed an assist with the first goal, playing in Ba and Hitz put in the free kick for da Costa's goal, so all three in midfield did their jobs brilliantly.

Cole so so nearly scored with two delicious curling shots and also forced Bergovic into an excellent save after harrying a Stoke defender into a terrible error; and Tomkins was unlucky with a header against the post. In the first half, apart from the goals, Piquionne missed a sitter. We really could have scored six today.

At the other end, Matty, Jones and Fuller caused us a few problems after they came on, but Green only had one real save of note to make. Apart from one flap at a cross from Green, we dealt with high balls into the box superbly, with Grant beating Pulis at his own game by selecting a team of giants. But we didn't sacrifice our style of football whilst we were about it! Come on Stani, Sav and all you other Grant critics, take a deep breath and give Avram the credit he deserves for this.

Defensively, I was hugely impressed with the way Tomkins adjusted to playing right back and with the leadership of Upson. there was one fantastic tackle when he was the last man and only one occasion when he got the wrong side of Jones, giving away a free kick as a result. da Costa had Carew in his pocket all afternoon, forcing the withdrawal of the Villa man, and generally played very well, scoring with a beautiful header from a delicious Hitzlsperger free kick. Yes he was half asleep when Fuller so nearly slammed home another great goal at Upton Park, but the ball flashed inches wide anyway so it didn't really matter. Where Tomkins was brilliant defensively, Bridge was excellent ranging forward, giving us width on the left.

So, with a defensive unit that looked tight, a midfield that saw all three clock up an assist and one score, and three forwards who were on fire, this was a very promising performance indeed. Ignoring the Cup, we have Tottenham and Man Utd next. It's about to become a little bit more difficult but this team, with this manager, may just be up for the challenge!

Player Ratings: Green 6; Tomkins 8, da Costa 8, Upson 8, Bridge 8; Noble 8, Parker 9, Hitzlsperger 9; Ba 8, Cole 8, Piquionne 7

Half Time West Ham 2 Stoke 0 - Stay away Matty, Kenwyne and Ricardo!

Well so far, so bloody good. It is 2-0 and we should have had a third, with Piquionne missing a sitter, trying to tuck it inside the near post when he should have been aiming at the far corner. Der Hammer also nearly scored, with another blast from outside the box that forced a good save.

The first goal was perhaps a tad fortunate. Noble did well to lift the ball into space between the back four and Ba showed great perseverance to follow it through and run it into the net; but in truth the keeper and Wilson should have dealt with it between them. How ironic that two ex Avram men handed us the first goal on a plate!

Goal two was much better. Scotty won the free kick, Hitz sent it in with lovely whip and da Costa jumped as high as he did against Villa last season (when a penalty was incorrectly given because it seemed as if he had to have climbed) and headed home beautifully.

So far, everything is going to plan. The defence have been strong in the air and we have done Stoke at the other end from a set piece. Oh the ironies of ironies! We lack support down the right flank when going forward because Tomkins is not a right back but, if that is the price we have to pay for keeping Stoke out, then fair enough. So far, da Costa has won everything lumped forward for Carew. However, Ba has been superb coming in off the left, Piquionne has made some intelligent runs, Cole is moving intelligently and the midfield is linking well.

The big worry is how Pulis will respond. He will certainly lay in to his charges at half time and demand more from them. Will Etherington be risked? In which case Tomkins will have a more difficult second half. I thought Fuller had gone but he is on the bench. He did da Costa last season and might fancy another go. And then there is Kenwyne. He is due a goal.

First 15 minutes of the second half are going to be crucial. In fact the next 48 or 49 minutes are crucial. Following West Brom's victory, we HAVE to take all three points from this one. A boost to the goal difference also wouldn't go amiss! If Stoke score early, it will get tense!

Team Selection - Grant Surprises Everybody Again!

So, da Costa is in for Jacobsen! To play right back? Or is Tomkins being moved out to the right, to a position Grant used him in during pre season friendlies?

You can see what Grant is trying to do, packing the team with big tall guys to combat Stoke's aerial threat. Cole, Piquionne, Ba, Tomkins, Upson, da Costa - they are there to deal with the biggest aerial bombardment of East London since the Blitz. The question is, will this team knit together in other areas?

Team for today:

Green

da Costa,      Tomins,   Upson,    Bridge

Noble,   Parker,  Hitzlspurger

Piquionne,                                    Ba

Cole, 

West Brom Win at Birmingham - The Mountain Gets Steeper!

After that result, anything less than a victory today will spell disaster! You could argue that Birmingham are struggling too but they have games in hand. A draw would have been ok, a West Brom victory is bad news with a capital B and N!

Half Time Birmingham 0 West Brom 0

That sort of suits us. Not many chances so far, but Jerome missed with a hearer that I would have backed Zigic to score from. West Brom look much better organised at the back now Hodgson is in charge but his decision to start with both Vela and Odemwingie on the bench is perverse. Talking to a West Brom supporter earlier in the week, he reckoned Hodgson had left them out against Stoke to combat the aerial threat of Stoke's big men, so perhaps Woy is using the same tactics today.

West Brom have a habit of scoring late so if it is still 0-0 with 10 minutes to go, we could be in trouble!

Interesting to see Brunt and Thomas get involved in a pushing match. Is the pressure beginning to tell?

Ouch, West Brom have just taken the lead!

Phew, Birmingham have equalised within a minute!

Bloody hell, West Brom ahead again!

And Odemwingie has just missed an absolute sitter!

West Brom 3-1 ahead and coasting. The crisis deepens!

All Stoked Up But Is It Enough?

The players should certainly be up for this one. A win today and we could be out of the bottom three. And confidence should be sky high. We didn't just beat the Scousers last week, we played them off the park for most of the match. Eleven goals scored in the last 225 minutes of football must surely have given the team a sense of belief when they have the ball, whilst the return of Upson gave a sense of solidity to the defence.

The trouble is, today's opponents are not Liverpool, West Brom or Burnley. Today, Stoke shoulder their way into Upton Park and Pulis will have been working on his set piece drills all week. Every throw in, corner and free kick inside our half will spell trouble. We can't defend set pieces against anybody, let alone against Stoke. I don't know about Green, but my heart will be in my mouth every time Stoke stand ready to launch the ball into our box.

Last season we moved the advertising boards to limit the run up for a long throw. It was a clever idea but it wasn't enough to spare us from defeat. Fuller came over all Ricky Villa, weaved his way into the box, roasting da Costa in the process, and scored with aplomb. Fuller isn't there now, he may yet return to haunt us when Sunderland come to town. But Kenwyne will be a threat, if available, and so will Huth. And if Matty is back...

Today is a must win game, especially with Wolves playing an understrength Spurs tomorrow. And I am sick with worry!

Hoddle Shows Lack of Respect

Remember back to when Glenn Hoddle left Southampton to become the Tottenham manager, how did he upset the Saints fans? They accepted his return to his former club - it wasn't like Redknapp's defection from Pompey to Southampton after all; what infuriated them was the way he plundered a certain Dean Richards, returning to his former employers to sign the uncapped centre back.

The deal was controversial for both sets of fans. The Southampton fans felt betrayed by Hoddle, and the Tottenham fans queried Glenn's judgement. £8.1 million for a centre back who hadn't even been capped by England? Too much surely!

The funeral of Dean Richards was held yesterday in Bradford. He was just 36 years old when he died. Robbie Keane was there. So were James Beattie, Steve Bull and Chris Kamara. But where was Hoddle, the man who bought him twice, for Southampton and Tottenham? Well a mate of mine, a Tottenham fan as it happens, bumped into him in the lobby of the Holiday Inn in Guildford!

Now, there's respect from God's Great Disciple of 5-3-2! Mind you, Hoddle was on his mobile when spotted. Perhaps he was ringing Eileen Drewery on behalf of Dean, asking her about her Lazarus Programme!

Parker is Premiership Player of Month for February

Congratulations to Scotty Parker, West Ham's Vice Captain Fantastic, selected as the Barclays Premiership Player of the Month for the first time in his career.

Some might see Parker as a curious choice given West Ham remain in the bottom three and only won two Premiership games in the month in question, losing at home to relegation rivals Birmingham along the way.

In one of those two victories, we only played for 45 minutes, ending the first half three goals behind against one of the favourites for the drop. The third West Brom goal in that game came from a free kick conceded by Parker. The free kick was remarkably similar to the one conceded by Parker against Blackpool which again led to a goal.

Parker scored one goal in the month in question and, if I remember correctly, did not assist any of the three scored against either West Brom or Blackpool, nor the other two netted against Liverpool. Some also believe that the return of Hitzlespurger and the introduction of Ba have been more important factors in West Ham suddenly looking a more potent on field force.

But let's not split hairs. Well done Scotty!

How Crap was Cole?

No not Carlton, but our fallen former local hero, Joe Ordinary Cole. What on Earth has happened to the guy? From the most exciting prospect ‘Arry had ever seen, he has become a joke, a not even nearly man who can’t shine even on his return to Upton Park.

He was taken as a wild card selection to the World Cup and was so poor that Capello hasn’t shown any interest since. Liverpool picked him up on a Bosman free transfer but must be thinking they paid too much even at that price! His wages are huge, as huge as his own inflated self opinion, and he is doing nothing to earn them from what I can see. Thank God we didn’t sign him in the summer!

On Sunday he was introduced as a change gaming substitute and, to be honest, I forgot he was on the pitch. Did he do anything of note? If so, I missed it.

I can’t say I’m sad. I was angry a few seasons back when he celebrated a late winner against us at Stamford Bridge (he was offside into the bargain) and disappointed in the summer at the contempt he demonstrated for the club that nurtured him and put him on the road to riches. Liverpool and Ordinary Joe deserve each other in my book!

Jordan still holding us in SuSpence!

So when is Jordan Spence going to step up to the first team exactly? I keep reading that the guy has bags of potential and he certainly does not lack in confidence in his own ability, describing himself as  a "right-back or centre-half and a...composed defender brought up obviously playing football at West Ham" and claiming "one of my key attributes is that I'm quite quick and I look to get forward when the time's right."

Bloody hell, isn't that exactly what we need? A tall, quick, footballing playing right back with the ability to get forward? Why did we keep messing around with Faubert exactly?

The lad came on as a sub against Man City in the last game of last season and didn't look out of place to me. But the club has just announced that he has been sent out on loan to that Mecca of football, Bristol City. Why? If Jacobsen pulls up lame, wouldn't Spence be a better bet than want away Faubert?

Throw the Bloody Book at Ferguson!

It won't happen of course, but the authorities should throw the book at Fergie for his latest outburst, designed solely to intimidate officials in the upcoming Mancs matches. Ferguson stopped just short of calling Referee Atkinson a cheat, but only just, when he moaned,

"It was a major game for both clubs and you want a fair referee. You want a strong referee anyway and we didn’t get that. I don’t know why he’s got the game. I must tell you, I must say that when I saw who was refereeing, I feared the worst.”

How the hell Ferguson, of all people, can complain about biased referees is beyond me! He witnessed the award of that absurd Nani goal by Clattenbung. He saw how Neville was allowed to stay on the field at Stoke after scything down Etherington when already on a yellow card. He saw the failure to award West Brom a penalty after Neville took out Dorrans from behind, deep in the penalty box. He saw the way Rooney was allowed to remain on the field after elbowing a Wigan player. He might also remember how Vidic wasn't sent off in the League Cup final last year!

What does Ferguson mean by a "fair referee" exactly? A referee biased in favour of the Mancs perhaps? No wonder he feared the worst when he saw that Atkinson had been awarded the game! "Where's Clattenburg?" he probably demanded. "What do we pay the guy for if he isn't in charge of our important games? And where the Hell is my mate Webby? Somebody get Webby on the bloody blower and find out what exactly he is up to on the night! We didn't measure him up for that shirt for nothing! Atkinson? Bloody Atkinson! He isn't even on our payroll!"

Steve Clarke Talks Big Bibs and Cones!

Good to hear that Steve Clarke isn't allowing a defeat at Upton Park to get him down. Well, I suppose he should be used to it by now! According to Stevie, Liverpool "allowed" West Ham to "pressure" them a bit but he is not downcast at all, dear me no, because Mr Bibs and Cones knows everything can be put right on the training ground.

Clarke told the journos, "The manner in which we gave the goals away is something we can address in training and we'll look to do that this week. I'd like to be able to put it down to a one off and something that's not going to happen very often."

He continued, "We'll get down to the hard work on the training pitch, we'll put a few things right and hopefully we'll see the results at the weekend."

Hopefully Steve, hopefully. Hopefully, it won't be like at West Ham. You remember? A good start and then the wheels came off! All those days when you dished out the bibs and carefully placed the cones - and all to no avail!

You know, the big problem may be that opposition players move around a bit more than those bloody cones!

15 points from last 10 games. Repeat that and we are safe!

It looks as if Avram's card is marked and that he will be out of the door come the end of the season, but is he really as useless as his critics would have us believe? Let's look at a few facts related to this season.

Now, the big issue is clearly our league position. We are second from bottom again after West Brom's point at Stoke, and that is not good enough, but are things as bad as they seem?

To begin, why are we where we are in the table? Results wise, it boils down to a handful of games, and we didn't even play in some of them! Let's dispense with some freak results for starters. Take off Blackpool's two wins over Liverpool, and they would be on 26 points, 2 points behind us. Then there is West Brom's incredible victory at Arsenal. That was a crazy, crazy result in a crazy, crazy season! I won't go on about the Wolves victories because I think they are a better team than they are given credit for. The three teams who SHOULD go down this season are West Brom, Blackpool and Wigan.

But you make your own luck and we still have to account for a miserable total of 28 points thus far. That's easily done because it boils down to the draw against Blackpool at Upton Park, the 3 points lost at home to Newcastle and the home draw against West Brom. Chalk up those 7 points and we would be sitting relatively comfortably on 35 points, with Blackpool on 31 points and West Brom on 28. I certainly would not be sweating on relegation with just 5 points needed to guarantee safety.

Of course, there is also that appalling Clattenbung decision at Wolves which cost us 2 points by striking off Piquionne's perfectly legitimate goal with the last kick of the game. I know these sorts of things are meant to even themselves out over a season but how many teams lose a perfectly good goal scored with literally the last kick of the game against a major rival? Just keeping those two points would have changed the picture dramatically. We would be on 30 points now, and out of the bottom three. People are blaming Grant; Clattenbung would be a more worthy target for ire!

But the real killers for our season were utterly beyond Avram's control. Firstly, the computer gave us a truly nightmare start. As soon as that fixture list came out, we knew it spelt trouble. Villa away, Bolton at home, Man Utd away and Chelsea at home? We were always going to be playing catch up after that start! And so it has proved. Recovering for four straight defeats at the start of the season has proved a nightmare.

And, of course, as the return of Hitz has shown, the entire balance of Avram's team was destroyed by Der Hammer's injury playing for Germany before the season even started. Again, I accept all teams suffer injuries but we have had more than our fair share. Apart from Hitz, and predictably Dyer, there have been the long term injuries to Collison and Hines. Just when Obinna was finding form, he was injured; and of course Keane joined and broke down. We've lost Upson for key games, da Costa for a sizeable chunk of the season, Jacobsen for important games, Noble for two spells, Behrami for most of the season for which he was available, Ilunga (some might say luckily)...and Cole has had to be nursed through injuries. Even Green has missed games.

Does anybody really believe we would be in the bottom three now had Hitzlspurger been available for the first half of the season? How, exactly is that Grant's fault?

Now, let's turn to recent form. Since Christmas, we have lost just 4 games in all competitions. We have won 8 games and drawn 3 times. If we ignore the Cup games, that record still reads 4 wins, 3 defeats and 3 draws. That is 15 points from 10 games or 1.5 points per match. Average that over a season and you have 57 points! That is Avram's team's current form, and he took over a side that was in complete disarray after Zola's chaotic reign.

Now, let's just include the Cup games in Avram's record. We have now won 14 games so far this season in 37 competitive fixtures. That is a win percentage of 38%. Zola's win percentage was below 30% and Avram's betters Curbishley's. The goal return of 53 also represents good entertainment value when set alongside the goals per game return of his two predecessors.

Tell me, how many times have we looked awful this season? At home to Arsenal and away to Newcastle Villa and Liverpool, but West Ham always have those sort of nighmare results over the course of a season. When we lost at home to Chelsea and Bolton, we played pretty well. Until Spector gave away a stupid penalty, we were competing at Old Trafford. We were preciously close to pulling off a draw at Arsenal. In truth, we have been "in with a chance" in most games this season and at times have played some scintillating forward. We played Spurs off the park and hammered Liverpool on Sunday and Man Utd in the Cup. We were unlucky not to win at Everton too, with another ludicrous refereeing decision robbing us of the victory.

When Grant arrived, we were in a mess. We only survived last season because there were three crap teams in the division. Duxbury, Nani, Zola and Clarke had inherited a reasonable squad and turned us into a joke, with no full backs, no wide midfielders and no team shape whatsoever. Grant identified the weaknesses and sourced a utility defender (Ben Haim), two wingers  (Barerra & Obinna) a striker (Piquionne), a right back (Jacobsen) and a goal scoring midfielder (Hitz), and did so on a shoestring. Each of those signings made perfect sense, and whilst Barerra and Reid have disappointed so far, they are young and may yet come good. Had Hitz remained fit, I reckon we would be in the top half of the table now.

So, when you look at the facts, Avram's record isn't that bad. Based on current form, we are a top half team. The question is, can we maintain that record until the end of the season? If we do, we finish on 43 points, and not even West Ham can go down with that points total surely?

So, our season now comes down to some key, key games: at home to Stoke, Blackburn and Sunderland, and away to Wigan. If we win those, we have 40 points, 5 more than we ended up with last season. A point at home to Villa and away to Bolton would take us to 42 points. And wouldn't it be special to win at White Hart Lane?

I'm certainly not getting cocky; it could all go tits up when we play Stoke. But that Liverpool result was special and may yet carry the same importance as our victory away to Blackburn under Turds. We stayed up that year because we were lucky - remember that winner at Blackburn? - but the luck has been against us so far this season. Remember, Zola's team only had to beat ten men when we played away to Sunderland and Arsenal, and at home to Villa, Bolton and Fulham.  They only managed to win one of those games! The table doesn't show it, but the progress has been steady. IF we survive, we could kick on next season!

Avram may yet blow bubbles!

McCarthy Rejects Moves to Charlton and Sheffield Wednesday

So McBenni has refused two opportunities to play competitive football.

What does that say about the guy? He can only rot in the reserves at Upton Park, but that's preferable to playing in front of a paying audience for two clubs with a proud history apparently. What a tosser!

Why did he turn down Wednesday and Charlton? Apparently the kebabs in Sheffield and South of the River are not up to scratch and you can't get a good Bunny Chow for love nor money!