Italian and Egyptian Billionaires Prepare Joint Bid For West Ham

Following the announcement that 35% of the club is up for sale, West Ham are the subject of a joint bid on behalf of disgraced Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak and under fire Italian Premier Silvio Burlusconi. Anxious to shelter money illicity accumulated whilst in power, the undemocratic duo have been alerted to the enormous growth potential of the club over the next five years.

Agent Oman Leavit Outus, who is fronting the bid, explained, "As soon as Mr Burlusconi can get his fingers out of his seventeen year old mistress, he is anxious to get them into the West Ham pie and mash. He has a wealth of experience in football and is attracted to a tie up with current owners Mr Sullivan and Mr Gold based on shared interests outside of football. He is checking out extradition arrangements between Italy and the UK but is confident that a donation of a million pounds or so to the Conservative Party & to the Italian Mafia should ensure that outstanding judicial issues should not present a problem."

Leavit Outus continued: "Mr Mubarak is especially impressed by the way public funds have been misappropriated to finance the redevelopment of the new stadium and sees himself slotting in perfectly as a result. He has no problems with working with Mr Gold and Mr Grant, having been a good friend of Israel for many years."

A spokesman for the F.A. dismissed concerns that Mubarak and Burlusconi may fail the Fit and Proper Person Test saying: "I can't see how an objection is possible given the profile of the present owners"!

West Ham Worth £700million in 5 Years!

Bloody hell, I'm off to the bank to borrow £34million. I'm selling my property portfolio too, drawing out the cash I have in banks and building societies and putting the wife and daughter on the game to make up the difference. £35million to buy a 35% stake in a club that is going to be worth £700million in five years' time? This has to be the greatest investment since Google floated! After 5 years, my initial investment will be worth £245million!

So, hang on, I'm doing the sums here, I borrow £34,000,000 at 10% and after compound interest I owe £54,750,000 at the end of the 5 years. So, I can look for a quick sale and part with my stake for £150million - which represents a fantastic deal for the buyer - clear the debt and leave myself a cool £95milllion profit! And for doing what? Diddly squat! Lovely jubberly!

But I will have to get in quick because there will be investors queuing around the block! What could go wrong for God's sake? Well, apart from the team crashing out of the Premiership of course!

It does make you wonder why Sullivan & Gold haven't pumped £20million or so into buying players with the quality to keep us in the division doesn't it? And you might also wonder why they're not buying the rest of the club themselves. Unless, of course, the figures being bandied around are pie in the sky.

There's a thought.

Three Days Off - Well They've Earned It!

Well done Avram for acknowledging that our heroic boys have earned a fully deserved three days off after that epic game against West Brom. Dear God, they played for a whole 45 minutes and watched West Brom players drift past them for the other 45! The poor sods must be physically exhausted and emotionally shot to pieces!

There are echoes here of the break the players were given by Zola after the Stoke game. The Italian buggered off back to Sardinia to recharge his batteries and the players were excused from duties until the middle of the week. I suppose it worked then - in the sense that we survived thanks to the incompetence of Burnley and Hull - so maybe the powers that be have decided to give it another go.

I would have thought some training sessions dedicated to defending set pieces and tracking midfield runners might have been in order. But what do I know?

 I wish I could perform well for half my working day and earn the next three days off as a reward. I'm in the wrong bloody job! When West Ham eventually get around to sacking Avram, I'm making a case for him to be employed as my Managing Director!

Julian Dicks Fits The West Ham Bill Perfectly!

So, Dicksie has revealed that he has had talks with Grant about joining the coaching and management team at West Ham! Fantastic, that's just what the doctor ordered!

Dicks is exactly what we need, he has so much experience of working with top quality players after managing Wivenhoe Town and Grays Athletic! Never mind that he left Wivenhoe by mutual consent - sacked in other words - after just 21 games, what has that got to do with the price of fish exactly?

No, to understand the brilliance of this potential appppointment, you only have to look at  Dicksie's record in management! At Wivenhoe, he had a staggering win percentage of 14.29%.! That's even worse than Zola's and Grant's! And at Grays? An incredible 24.29%!

Yes, this is the man we so desperately need to turn us into a winning team! ADD his winnining ratio TO Grant's and we would have enough points over a season to finish in 10th!

Of course, his appointment makes perfect sense in two other ways. Firstly, the idiotic fans would be over the bloody moon. Dicksie! He's the man! He'll lay into them in the dressing room! Never mind that it hasn't worked with semi professional brickies and plumbers, the Dicksie approach is sure to work with a bunch of egotistical millionaires isn't it?

And then there's the little matter of how much he would cost. It wouldn't take a lot to match the wages of non league football would it? Yep Dicksie fits the bill perfectly!

Ba Looks the Part!

What a shame. We have a strike force, when Hitzlespurger returns we may have have a midfield, if only we had a defence!

Ba looked very good yesterday. Never mind his finishing, which was very impressive, his most exciting quality is that precious knack of being in the right place, at the right time, when in the box. And we haven't had anybody with that ability for three seasons now - except for a few games when Zola dared to play Ilan.

The worry, of course, is his dodgy knee. We have already lost Keane, and those gloating on here, because Ba got through a full 90 minutes in the Prem, are going to feel very foolish indeed if the guy breaks down in the next match. He failed that medical at Stoke for a reason so, unless you believe God is up there dressed in Claret and Blue, it would suggest that there is something pretty malignant lurking inside that knee. As a short term solution, he looks the part but long term....?

Let's hope and pray!

Parker Inspires Turn Around!

I'm not his biggest fan as a captain, but listening to Cole, it sounds like our recovery was down to Parker and not to Grant. Cole talked about an "inspirational" captain who brought "tears to my eyes".  Perhaps Scotty went around kicking them all in the bollocks; it's what they deserved!

As Lineker says, it begs the question what Grant was doing during the interval. It also makes you wonder what would have happened had Upson been wearing the bloody armband! Mind you, I can't believe we would have been AS bad at the back had the much maligned Matty played!

Not that Parker gets off Scott free for that first half horror show. He was repeatedly the wrong side of the ball when West Brom were in possession and, inevitably, it was Parker who gave away the free kick that led to the third Baggies goal. Wasn't that in exactly the same position as the freekick he gave away against Denmark, with a carbon copy challenge from behind?

Were we unlucky? We hit the bar twice and had a perfectly good goal disallowed; but West Brom could have been five up at half time. They were bloody unlucky when Fortune blocked that shot almost on the line, with Green on the ground floundering, and they were definitely robbed of a penalty. 3-3 was a fair score although, as Shearer said, it could have been seven all because of the appalling defending.

Unless we can get Upson and Tomkins back quickly, we are in desperate trouble. And unless we can sort out which of Noble or Parker is meant to hold, we are dead and buried.

No Obinna today and it is hard to see how he can be accommodated unless Ba breaks down. Boa may have played his last game but the hope has to be that Hitzlespurger is fit and available to join Parker and Noble in midfield. Somehow, we have to get those three playing as a unit, with one holding and the other two linking play. Today the centre backs were hopelessly exposed. Repeat that against better teams and it will be seven goals shipped with no hope of getting seven back in reply!

West Brom 3 West Ham 3 - Too Little, Too Late - We Are Down!

Look away from the events at the Hawthornes for a moment. As glorious as the fight back was, as amazing as a second half performance it appears to have been, the game is up. Wigan drew at Liverpool. Blackpool edged a little closer to safety with a point against Villa. Birmingham won and moved out of reach, thanks to our defeat against them last week. We needed to win today. We had to win today. And first half, we didn't show up!

Yes we came back from the dead, yes we scored three in 45 minutes and salvaged a point. But that point is not enough. Today completed a sequence of games that HAD to yield 7 points minimum. A return of 4 is inadequate, insufficient and inept.

The first half today brought back memories of the opening game of the season at Villa. It was a repeat of our showing at Newcastle. It echoed our performance at Liverpool. How can a team look so disorganised, so dispirited, so deflated and so dispassionate at KICK OFF? Why is it that, time and time again, this bunch of players look as if the game has come five days too early for them, as if they haven't had time to wake up, freshen up and get their heads together? Why do we hand the initiative to the opposition time and time and time again?

I didn't see the second half. I couldn't watch. Perhaps that is the secret. Perhaps I really do put the mockers on them. Perhaps it is the shadow of Fanno, a cloud I cast that smothers the ability of the players to perform. Perhaps. But there must be more logical explanations.

One, is that West Brom cracked under the strain, tripped over themselves when we scored early in the second half and became consumed in the same fever of self doubt that besets us when an opponent makes our net bulge. Noble had a hand in all three of our goals so deserves some credit; that should shut up his sternest critic for a few minutes at least! Ba looks the part, if he can stay fit! Cole scored, a minor miracle in itself!

But how are we going to survive with a defence like this? A defence that ships three goals in 45 minutes against West Bromwich Albion? Can you imagine what will happen when we travel to Chelsea, Manchester City and Tottenham? How will we keep out Man Utd at Upton Park? The games are running out, that's why drawing today and losing last week simply were not an option.

We are going down.

But we have a lovely shiny new stadium, so why does it matter?

Half Time West Brom 3 West Ham 0 - New Dream Stadium, Same Old Nightmares!

Well, we have the stadium so what do the results on the pitch matter eh? 60,000 happy Hammers cheering to the rafters as we take to the field against Southend United - a vital local derby!

Tell me, shouldn't the priority be the team you send on to the pitch, not where the bloody pitch is located? Whilst Sullivan and Gold fiddle, the Boleyn legacy is burning to the ground! Whist the Olympic Dream is realised the Upton Park nightmare unfolds!

3-0 at half time at West Brom. Another relegation six pointer, another game where losing is not an option, another game where we haven't even turned up. A goal down inside 4 minutes and a goal conceded in a disgraceful fashion. Noble gave up when Odemwinge drifted past him. He challenged once, he challenged twice, then gave up, stopped dead in his tracks and let the Baggies man pick his pass. And Dorrans was completely unmarked, sitting in the hole between our back four and midfield. As usual, Parker was in front of the ball instead of where he should have been, behind it, screening our back four. As usual we had two banks of four, literally, with nothing and nobody in between them, nobody sitting, nobody screening, nobody tracking, nobody thinking. There has an attempt to block the shot, but it was half hearted, not like a Tomkins block or a Collins block, the two men who should be our centre back pairing. Dorrans took aim, shot, and it was game over. This team was never going to recover from that.

Goal two was always inevitable, with the midfield and defence operating at two completely separate and distinct units. West Brom were then denied a perfectly good penalty when Da Costa couldn't deal with a simple ball over the top and Reid pulled back a West Brom player deep inside the penalty box. The Baggies only had 10 players on the pitch at the time to compound the humiliation. The own goal for the third said it all, this team, this club, is intent on its own self destruction.

3-0 at half time against West Bromich Albion. But fcuk, who cares, we have a shiny new stadium with talk of retractable seating. You bloody fools! You stupid bloody, idiotic, gullible fools.

A Big Stadium does NOT Guarantee a Successful Team

People seem to be a little bit confused here. In all the excitement of winning the bid to RENT the Olympic Stadium, there has been this absurd assumption that it will somehow guarantee success. Top players will want to join to join us apparently because of the joy of playing in front of 60,000 Happy Hammers every week.

That, of course, is nonsense. Look at Sheffield Wednesday and Blackpool. Who has the bigger stadium, but who currently languishes in the third tier of English football exactly? I know that Hillsborough is a dump, but there is the blithe assumption that we will be able to fill and maintain the new stadium, ensuring that it will always look pristine, irrespective of what happens to us on the pitch.

Arsenal is a case in point, and I'm talking talking about the Emirates - although the trophies have dried up since the move because money has not been available to strengthen the team. Look what happened when they tried playing Champions League games at Wembley. As with our move, the accountants were able to prove that it was the right thing to do, but did Arsenal win the Champions League? Results went backwards if I remember correctly and the alien atmosphere was blamed. Did revenues increase? No, because Arsenal did not progress as far in the competition as they would have done had they played at Highbury. Wembley, of course, did not and does not have a running track!

I have asked the question before and will ask the question again, where are 60,000 fans suddenly going to appear from? The stock answer seems to be that we will reduce prices, but if we have to do that to fill a larger stadium, what's the point of the bigger capacity? It's like taking a new job because it pays more, but accepting a more expensive commute in order to do it.

The next argument seems to be that we are only struggling to fill Upton Park because we are struggling on the pitch. The logic goes like this: we move to the new stadium and we fill it because we are successful on the pitch. Anybody see the hole in this argument? Why will moving to a new stadium suddenly turn us into a successful team? If that's the case, why don't we win when we play at Old Trafford and the Emirates?

In the old days, we turned Upton Park into a fortress. It was the claustrophobic, intense, intimate nature of the place that won us points. Like it wins points for Stoke City. How difficult will it be for opposition teams if, as some of us fear, the new stadium is a soul less bowl, at best two thirds full? How will the players be lifted by a "Claret and Blue Army" that they hear like an echo of an earlier era, how will they be inspired by "Bubbles" that drift over time and space before dying somewhere over a running track? And why, as a player, would you want to play for a club where home games are played in a vacuum rather than a pressure cooker?

Every argument put forward by those in favour of the stadium is contingent upon us succeeding on the pitch. But if money is being spent on the stadium, it is not being invested in the team. Every pound spent on stadium conversion is a pound not spent on team conversion. Arsenal started with a great team but that great team stopped winning things. We start with a shit team so shouldn't people be a little worried here?

But there must be a logic behind the move, mustn't there? Sullivan and Gold would not be doing this to cut their own throats would they? Well, to answer that one, you need to look closely at how the new stadium is being financed with other people's money and what happens to the revenue from the sale of the Boleyn. The debt stays with the club, what happens to the revenue?

Under the Curbishley era, I talked a lot about what West Ham stood for, about how I would prefer to be in the bottom half of the table playing the West Ham way rather than in the top half playing kick and run. I have consistently tried to defend the values, heritage and soul of West Ham. We belong at the Boleyn, it is our home. We are not a Manchester United and do not need a Theatre of Dreams and having the theatre does not guarantee the dreams .

Many, many years ago, I saw Genesis in the Bristol Hippodrome. It was a magical experience, so intense, so intimate, so exciting - it felt like you really could reach out and touch Gabriel as he sang the final line of The Musical Box. Fifteen years or so later, I saw Prince at Earls Court. Except I didn't. I saw this speck on stage and watched a big screen throughout. I stopped going to concerts after that.

Gullible West Ham Fans Follow The SuGo Trawler

What was it Cantona said? "When the seagulls follow the trawler, it is because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea." Well, be warned, as little as sardines are, they are whales in comparison to the scraps that Sullivan and Gold will leave in their wake!

Our fans are wheeling, screeching, diving, swooping, circling, whipped into a frenzy of false hope at the sight of the white water churning from the bow of Good Ship Sugo. West Ham have won the Olympic Stadium and Tottenham Hotspur have been left floundering in the wake. The talk is of a new dawn, a new golden era, of 60,000 happy Hammers cheering to the rafters as the mighty Irons stand at the shoulder of the Gunners and slay the humbled Spurs and Chelsea. All you need is a big stadium, it seems, to secure your passport to the Champions League.

"Fools, fools", Benjamin cries, as the gentle giant Boxer is driven away to his death, "Can't you see what is written on the side of that van? David Sullivan, Pornographer and Glue Boiler, Willingdon. Dealer in Liquidations and Bone-Meal. Kennels Supplied.' Do you not understand what that means? They are taking West Ham to the knacker's!"

Wake up before it is too late! We stand not on the brink of the Champions League but of the Championship. Instead of "investing" in asset stripping by setting up the land grab and redevelopment of the Boleyn, wouldn't it have been better for Sugo to secure Premiership survival by investing in the team? Isn't that what real fans would do?

A 60,000 capacity? We can't even sell out Upton Park without all sorts of last minute deals! Where are these 25,000 new disciples going to appear from exactly? As the Church of England can vividly testify, building mighty cathedrals does not a congregation guarantee!

But like all Gulls, our fans are so easily led. Remember how Eggert was leading us to the Promised Land and the Holy Grail not so very long ago? Fools! Fools! Fools to a man, a woman and a child! This dream you are being sold may be the final chapter in a protracted nightmare. A club without a stadium of its own, with no assets beyond its playing staff, has no collateral to secure lending and no long term future. Try taking out a mortgage on a tenancy agreement!

This is not just a new beginning my friends, this is the new beginning of the End.

A Sad, Sad Day for West Ham

So we are the preferred TENANTS for the Olympic Stadium. Did that word register fully? So since when has a home owner aspired to be a tenant exactly? Since when has selling the family pile and moving in to a rented gaff been regarded as an upward move? Since when has exchanging owner occupier status in return for council accommodation been seen as progressive?

I'm surprised they haven't gone the whole hog and moved us onto a bloody gypsy caravan site. Brady would look the part in one of those pink blancmange wedding dresses (she's heavy enough now to carry it off) and Sullivan looks like he should be laying dodgy drives for a living.

Just listen to the spin! Brady keeps telling us that the seat FURTHEST from the pitch in the Olympic Stadium is ten yards CLOSER than the seat FURTHEST away from the pitch at Wembley. But that's not the bloody point! That's like judging two brothels on the basis of the ugliest whore in the house. Funnily enough, if Avram was calling in after a successful trip to a casino, he would be buying the best looking tart, not the resident Karren Brady. So, the question is, how much FURTHER away from the pitch is the NEAREST seat at the Olympic Stadium than the NEAREST seat at Wembley. Well that's easy to answer; how wide is an eight lane Olympic running track exactly?

Brady fails to understand that West Ham is all about intimacy. How can we go from the chicken run to this battery farm of a stadium?

Sugar is right of course, the decision to use the stadium for two sports is wrong. We don't want a running track and the stadium is far too big to host athletics outside of the Olympics. So, it is the wrong fit for both sports and, as my Mum always told me, "Two wrongs don't make a right".

What is this all about? Money. Your money, my money, government money, council tax money and Sullivan and Gold's money. But Sullivan and Gold are pocketing the dosh that all the other mugs are shelling out.

Why did they buy West Ham? Because they saw they could make a killing! As pension plans go, this looked like a bloody good bet as soon as the Olympic Stadium became a possibility.

West Ham Cursed! Keane Ruled Out For SIX WEEKS!

Oh dear God, would you believe it? Keane has been signed on loan to save us from relegation and has now been ruled out for SIX weeks! When Ba joined us, we thought he would be the one who would break down in next to no time, but we should have known better! Keane first but Ba is sure to follow. Well, you've heard the rhyme, "And everywhere that Robbie went, His lamb was sure to go!"

How long before we are back to Cole and Piquionne as the only options? I'd have money on Ba breaking down inside 20 minutes against West Brom personally. It's written in the stars isn't it? Well no, it's written in Ba's medical report actually!

And meanwhile Upson and Tomkins are both out, and both have injuries that are not going to clear up anytime soon. Da Costa is only just back from injury and could very easily break down again and Reid is horribly inexperienced at Premiership level. God help us if either of those pull up lame. Who plays centre half then? Specs? But he's injured too! Bridge? Then who plays left back? Ilunga isn't in the 25 man squad! So Jacobsen then, with Faubert at right back?

Just imagine a back four reading, Faubert, Reid, Bridge and Jacobsen. We are one injury away from it! Frightening or what?

Farewell to the Greatest Trevor Ever!

It is not a name usually associated with glory. You are never going to hear the line, "Bond, Trevor Bond", outside of a monkey populated tea advertisement on television perhaps. Nor when Bourne's full identity is finally revealed, will we discover that he was christened by his parents Trevor. When dramatists apply the name Trevor to their characters, it is attached either to very fat men, very gay men or vicars. The ultimate Trevor in drama would be a very fat, very gay, choir boy abusing vicar! The closest a Trevor has ever come to being hard on television, was Trevor on Eastenders, who beat up his wife!

West Ham, of course, have a much loved Trevor. Mr Brooking remains the third best player I have ever seen in a West Ham shirt, only narrowly squeezed out of second place by Martin Peters. But as good as that TB was, even he falls some way short of the greatest Trevor ever.

Today, sadly, the greatest Trevor of all time was run out, dying horribly in a house fire aged 86. How ironic that the man who featured in three Ashes series victories should die in a fire. The great Trevor Bailey graced the game of cricket, as a player, as a man and as a wonderful commentator. I will never forget him. He was so special that some foolish Essex & West Ham supporting men even named their sons after him!

RIP Trevor, I'm glad the boys brought home the Ashes for you before you said your final goodbyes.

Claret & Blue Heritage Sullied & Spoiled.

I applied for a new job today; the missus saw the advertisement in one of her “lady” magazines. £750 a week for a bit of gardening and maintenance, live–in accommodation and just down the road from my family; sounded perfick. The bloke sounded important too; he needed two families just to take care of his house which had TEN bedrooms, so I made arrangements to go for an interview.


He showed me round himself and I have to say, the house was quite something. Interior designed by Liberace and with walls covered in pictures of the football team he supported as a young lad... Cardiff City. “It’s a big old place innit” he said “d’you know it’s got TEN bedrooms!”

I asked him about the name of the house and he said; “when we bought the land it was covered in Silver Birch trees so we ripped ‘em all out and replaced ‘em with gold ones, then we built a house with TEN bedrooms”.

I was curious about the other family who cared for him and what their terms and conditions were and I was somewhat taken aback when he said. “ It’s a bloke called Kieron, he’s got a five year contract worth £75,000 a week.” ”Crikey” I replied “ he must have green fingers and be a whizz at DIY”. “He picks his nose all the time and he’s a right w*anker, if that’s what you mean; why do you think I need a second family? By the way did I tell you my gaff’s got TEN bedrooms?”

Well you’d have to say the house had just about everything. The only thing it lacked really was a running track round the outside, which is a shame, because it would have given onlookers some protection from the glare emanating from the kitschen.

As I cast a hollow eye back at the house, Porsche parked in the driveway, I was reminded of a line from that other Mock Tudor creation “The Merchant of Smut”. “All that glisters is not Gold... some of it is Sullied”!

(Contributed by Marty)

West Ham Secure Olympic Stadium....

...nearly. Adrian Warner, who looks like he should be married to a Cheeky Girl, has exclusively announced that West Ham will be declared the preferred bidder for the Olympic Stadium on Friday. Boris or Cameron could still over rule the decision but that is very unlikely.

Of course, exclusives are dangerous. Remember how we were appointing Martin O'Neill last month, only to end up with a Joe Ordinary Championship midfielder called O'Neil? I suspect Warner is just grabbing a bit of personal glory, backing a hunch rather than working on anything concrete.

I hope so anyway because I want to stay at Upton Park!

Parker Performs his part in England Win

Well, too many performances like that in an England shirt and I might have to eat my words. Scotty came on at half time and acquitted himself rather well. He linked play cleverly, rarely giving away the ball, and played the anchor foil effectively, tidying up around the back four neatly.

There was one superb tackle in England's defensive third to halt a Danish break away and a good interception just inside the Danish half to set up an England attack. He gave the ball away the first time he touched it but, after that, retained possession well. In  fact, England looked much more compact with Barry and Parker in centre midfield than with Wilshire and Lampard, and we still looked lively going forward because the wide men and full backs had the confidence to attack, knowing that there was cover behind them.

That one early misplaced pass apart, Parker only blotted his copybook once, inevitably diving  into a challenge unnecessarily and conceding a freekick which so nearly led to a Danish equaliser. As Townsend said, "Parker would have done better to stay on his feet there." On another day, that could have been costly, and as we were in injury time and a goal ahead, it was especially rash.

The sad thing from our point of view is that we saw how Parker SHOULD be played, sweeping up around the back four and knitting play together, not trying to tear the opposition apart offensively. But can we afford to pay our pin up boy £83,000 a week to perform such an unglamorous role?

Overall, England played well and Parker looked the part. With Young, Wilshire, Carroll, Rooney, Walcott and Milner, we have the talent going forward to worry teams and, Carroll apart, they are a mobile bunch. Bent also looked impressive tonight. Add in Johnson's and Cole's ability to attack down the flanks, and we could be full of goals. The question is, do we have the defenders to enable us to succeed at international level against the top teams? Not on the evidence of tonight!

Oy Sullivan, Think Before You Open Your Gob!

I don't have a problem with the Rottweiler taking a chunk out of Joe Lewis when he growls, "I'm not some tax exile living in the Bahamas, who never watches a football match, doing it for a huge, personal financial gain, as is the case with the Spurs owner"; but I take issue with him in a big way when he adds,  "Just imagine if Manchester United wanted to build a new football stadium in Bolton, it would be wrong. The Spurs plan is no different."

Bollocks! Since when have Tottenham been comparable to Manchester United and West Ham to Bolton Wanderers exactly?

Engage your brain before barking Bruiser, the Cockyfools are already far enough up their own arses, the last thing they need is for you to make a dildo out of yourself and shove them a little bit deeper!

Avram Throws The Dice

Poor Avram is in trouble now for attending a casino on his birthday. Just because it coincided with our defeat against Birmingham!

He really is a mixed bag isn't he? He gambles and visits Thai Massage Parlours but feels a compunction to observe religious customs and festivals, even when they clash with vital games! Hypocrite? Avram?

Why was he in a casino? I'm sure he wasn't gambling himself. He just fancied seeing somebody other than West Ham playing crap!

Keys and Gray move to TalkSport

How appropriate, I have always called the station TalkBollocks, so the two Sky chauvinists should be right at home!

The trouble is, they will have to take opposite positions on everything, so when the subject of female officials comes up, what are they going to do? I know, Gray can say, "No way, I'm not having that, full bloody stop" and Keys can retaliate with, "I'm not having that Andy, I have no objection providing they have big enough tits!"

Winston Reid Admits Training Regime Is Flawed!

Last week I asked, "Why are we so unfit?" and wrote, "How many times have we looked shagged out as the match ticks past the 60th minute? What is wrong with the fitness regimes at West Ham?"

Well Winston Reid has now come out and as good as admitted that there is something seriously wrong with the fitness levels of the team. Talking about the dreadfully flat performance on Sunday, Reid said:

"There was a lack of energy and Birmingham took the opportunity when they had it. Why was there a lack of energy? I don't know, it's hard to say. We just couldn't put it in. It's hard because we wanted to win the game and move out of the bottom three."

Can you believe that a memeber of the team is admitting, "We just couldn't put it in", in a vital six pointer, playing at home to the team that dumped us out of the League Cup at the final hurdle before Wembley? If ever there was a game that the players were totally up for, this should have been it. Here was the opportunity to put together back to back wins. Here was the opportunity to climb out of the bottom three. Here was the opportunity to save our Premiership lives. But here is Reid admitting that that there was "a lack of energy" and that Birmingham were fitter, fresher, more up for the game.

What the fcuk is going on? What, I wonder, were our players doing on Saturday night?