What's To Be Done With Julian Faux Pas?

Well Read Madrid don't want our derailed TGV so it looks like he will be parking his fat derriere on our bench again any time soon. I hate to think how much he is collecting in wages given he was signed during the Turds and Egg era, but it is certainly enough to fill the hamster pouches in his cheeks and stretch his shorts to the very limit. So now we have to work out what the hell we do with him.

Not surprisingly, Julian is now making noises about looking forward to returning to the Boleyn. His dream move has turned into a nightmare so why not simply slip back into the cushy little number he had before? He doesn't like our training, he doesn't like the more physical aspects of the English game, you can bet your life he doesn't like the English winter, but West Ham's money? Well he is happy to take that!

Can we make any use of him apart from boiling him down for glue? It is a long time ago now and a lot of water has passed under the bridge since then, but if you caste your minds back to the start of the season, then Faux Pas was actually our most potent player. From memory five of our first seven goals came from Faubert crosses or passes. Back in September I was thinking, crikey, this guy can play a bit. Then Zola arrived and the decision was made to switch him to right back. Even then the early signs were promising. Faubert looked solid and actually made some telling last ditch penalty box interceptions. But then something strange happened - suddenly Faux Pas seemed to think that the pitch ended at the half way line and getting him to cross it, never mind cross the ball, was like trying to encourage somebody scared of heights to step forward to the edge of a cliff.

All confidence now evaporated and all he seemed to want to do was release the ball as soon as he received it, even if that meant, as it invariably did, giving it to the opposition. Perhaps Zola shares some of the blame for this. Our game plan moved from long ball to short quick passing and so Faubert was perhaps simply following the manager's instructions, but the trouble is, he was crap at it! Suddenly a pass to Faubert produced the same anticipation of a groan as a pass to Boa-Morte. When that groan is stored up, it becomes so easy to release when a pass goes astray. A misplaced Noble, Collison, Parker or Behrami pass is greeted with warm applause for the attempt, a misplaced Faubert or Boa-Morte pass is greeted with groans and jeers. Inevitably, that undermines confidence and results in still more mistakes.

Personally, I think the guy can cut it in the Prem. He isn't old and he can play in two positions. It may be that his pace has gone because of that injury: it is worrying that Madrid have been disappointed with his "fitness". Perhaps that's why he is as reluctant to go round a full back as a zebra is to pass a hungry lion. If so, then we might as well scrap him. However, sometimes a loss of speed is in the head. The extra touch of the ball due to loss of confidence removes momentum and gives the opponent the chance to steady himself for the anticipated challenge. The instinct of the attacker then is to stop and turn inside - which is what Faubert does every time.

The solution? Just get Faubert running at Neill in training and whipping over crosses. If he can't do Lucash for pace, he really is a shot bolt. But if he can, the more he does it, the more his confidence will grow. He and Behrami could yet form an effective partnership down our right flank, covering for each other defensively and terrifying opposition left backs with the option of one cutting inside with the ball or the other breaking on the overlap.

I am not exactly welcoming Faubert back with open arms but I hope the fans give the guy a chance. His decision to join Madrid was fair enough - who would turn down an opportunity like that - and should not be held against him. Yes he has a fat backside, yes he looks like he is permanently sulking and yes he looked very ordinary from October onwards, but let's remember his August and September form and hope. The train now pulling in to Upton Park is the TGV away day from Madrid!