New Pandemic Hits Tottenham.

Doctors have identified a new strain of the Pig Flu virus and believe it has been active but undetected in Tottenham for a number of years now. Labelled the H1 N17 virus, this is a peculiarly specific, yet virulent, form of the disease, which targets the brain and the nerves that carry messages through to the leg muscles.

Chief Medic Manny Lyfebotes explained: "The H1 N17 virus has evolved in a very specific way, putting up a wall between the signals in the brain and the muscles in the legs. It leads to a complete breakdown in the ability to coordinate the feet."

Doctors were first alerted by the numbers of people falling over in the street. "We thought it was down to alcohol consumption at first," Lyfebotes explained, "but when top athletes started to manifest the symptoms we decided it was worthy of investigation. The results staggered us."

Apparently, the disease affects the young and old differently. "For people under the age of 30 it leads to the loss of coordination in the legs and feet", Lyfebotes continued. "But for older people, it manifests itself in bouts of completely irrational thought processing and a loss of understanding of the value of money. In some cases, it can result in head twitching too."

Having identified the strain, the medics are now conducting tests on a number of high profile potential victims. Manny Lyfebotes continued: "At present, our investigations are centred on dos Santos, Bale, Bentley, Huddlestone, Hutton, Roman Pavlyuchenko and Darren Bent. All arrived at Tottenham full of promise but seem to have contracted the disease. Any schoolboys moving to the district also seem to lose all their natural ability and disappear within three or four years. When was the last Tottenham youngster capped for England?"

He added: "The most interesting cases are Martin Jol and Juande Ramos, however. They arrived in Tottenham with big reputations but were struck down with the post 30 form of H1 N17. Amazingly, however, simply moving away from the district has apparently led to a complete recovery. We need to identify how this self correction mechanism works in the hope of saving the careers of dos Santos and others."

Asked if Ledley King was a victim, Lyfebotes responded: "Probably not, that is down to the amount of alcohol he consumes on a Saturday night."