Ashton On His Way To Stoke

I must admit that I found the early rumours difficult to believe, but this business about Ashton going to Stoke just won't go away. Apparently it isn't our reluctance to sell, or Stoke's willingness to meet our valuation, that is the problem, but Beano's personal terms. Having grown fat on the mad contracts we were willing to offer before financial realities bit us on our bollocks, Primadeano, unsurprisingly, is unwilling to lie flat on his back for a whole season for anything less than the £65,000 a week we are currently paying him!

This must be very frustrating for all concerned. Zola doesn't seem to fancy him and would probably rather have the money and Duxbury may yet be snared by his own propaganda if the Stoke deal suddenly stacks up. Quite how he would explain this volte-face I'm not sure.

But those personal terms are still the stumbling block - though it would be best not to mention stumbling blocks in an article about Beano I suppose as that could mean another season's lay off! Negotiations have probably been made more difficult by the spate of celebrity deaths - Jackson, Fawcett-Majors, Karl Malden, Mollie Sugden - as no doubt Beano will be wrapped in cotton wool and locked in a padded treatment room to avoid Sudden Death Syndrome. Any suggestions of a Pay When You Play contract would probably induce a coronary meanwhile.

Is there a good pizza restaurant in Stoke I wonder? That's probably the best way of closing the deal and keeping all parties happy!