(Begins with pictures of money, bank vaults, gold, etc. overwritten by THE WEST HAM MONEY PROGRAMME)
Alan Curbishley sits at a desk between Eggert and BG. He begins quietly but becomes increasingly agitated as he speaks.
Curbishley:
Good evening, and welcome to The West Ham Money Programme. Tonight on The West Ham Money Programme, we're going to look at money. Lots of it. On film, and in the studio. Some of it in nice piles, others in lovely clanky bits of loose change. Some of it neatly counted into fat little hundreds, delicate fivers stuffed into bulging wallets, nice crisp clean checks, pert pieces of copper coinage thrust deep into trouser pockets, romantic foreign money rolling against the thigh with rough familiarity, beautiful wayward curlicued banknotes, filigreed copper plating cheek by jowl with tumbly Icelandic credit notes rubbing gently against the terse leather of beautifully unbalanced
bank books!!
(He looks around in surprised realization that he's panting and screaming)
Curbishley:
I'm sorry.
(Adjusts tie, darts baggy eyes around the room)
Curbishley:
But I love money. All money. (growing excited again)
I've always wanted money.
To handle! To touch!
The smell of the rain-washed florin!
The lure of the lira!
The glitter and the glory of the guinea! (stands up )
The romance of the rouble! (stands on chair)
The feel of the franc! (stands on desk)
The heel of the deutschmark! (stomps foot)
The cold antiseptic sting of the Swiss franc!
And the sunburnt splendour of the Australian dollar! (slaps knee)
(sings the rest while dancing across desk; Eggert and BG just look at him
blandly.)
I've got forty nine million to spend.
I've got forty nine million in my fridge.
I've got lots and lots of lucre,
Now that players are getting dearer,
And my transfer fund could buy the Brooklyn Bridge.
There is...
(enter a chorus of Dyer, Ljungberg, Boa-Morte, Bellamy and Neill in Claret and Blue)
...nothing’s quite as wonderful as money!
There is nothing quite as beautiful as cash!
Some people say it's folly, but I'd rather have the lolly,
With money you can make a splash!
(chorus kneels and sings "money, money, money" through Curbishley’s solos )
There is nothing quite as wonderful as money!
There is nothing quite as beautiful as cash!
Everyone must hanker for the butchness of a banker
(all give a Di Canio style fascist salute)
It's the currency that makes the world go round!
(a football rolls across the floor but is not kicked)
You can keep your West Ham ways, for it's only just a phase...
Money, money, money makes the world go round!
(money falls from above as chorus reaches a glorious crescendo)
Money! Money! Money! Money! Money! Money! Money! Money! Money!
Eggert received a lot of criticism for the signings we made and the increased wage bill but it was mainly Curbishley's fault. This was the first time he saw money and he lost his head.
ReplyDeleteThen had the audacity to sue us.
That's why the Python sketch fits so perfectly mate! I thought it was just surreal comedy at the time, actually it was surreal satire! I'd love to see Curbishley and co act out the sketch! Imagine old Baggy Eyes clicking his heels in glee whilst dancing on the desk at the thought of all that lolly! Perhaps he will do it when he is awarded compo for constructive dismissal!
ReplyDeletestill trotting this tripe out HF? even branching out into the bastardisation of cult comedy classics! Schweeet. You and that fat kid singing macarena are what brings the internet alive for me. Keep up the good work berk.
ReplyDeleteWhich fat kid is that?
ReplyDeleteTo continue in this vein perhaps Duxbury and Nani could take the roles of the Piranha brothers, Dinsdale and Doug, with poor Zola playing the part of Stig:
ReplyDeleteInterviewer: I've been told Dinsdale Piranha nailed your head to the floor.
Stig: No. Never. He was a smashing bloke. He used to buy his mother flowers and that. He was like a brother to me.
Interviewer: But the police have film of Dinsdale actually nailing your head to the floor.
Stig: (pause) Oh yeah, he did that.
Interviewer: Why?
Stig: Well he had to, didn't he? I mean there was nothing else he could do, be fair. I had transgressed the unwritten law.
Interviewer: What had you done?
Stig: Er... well he didn't tell me that, but he gave me his word that it was the case, and that's good enough for me with old Dinsy. I mean, he didn't *want* to nail my head to the floor. I had to insist. He wanted to let me off. He'd do anything for you, Dinsdale would.
LOL Brilliant!
ReplyDeleteJust like Zola's inability to change tactics you are unable to be funny.
ReplyDeleteGlad the current situation causes you so much glee and gives you the perfect excuse to inflict the this tripe upon the internet.
Dragging down the club and comedic institutions in the name of amusing yourself...
I feel dumber having read this.
Thanks.