Big Dick Van Dyke To West Ham's Rescue!

Chim chiminey
Chim chiminey
Chim chim cher-ee!
West Ham are as lucky
As lucky can be

Chim chiminey
Chim chiminey
Chim chim cher-oo!
Good luck will rub off when
I shake 'ands with you
Or blow me a kiss
And that's lucky too

Now as the table of life
'As been strung
You may think an 'Ammer's
On the bottommost rung

Though we spends our time
In the bottom three and covered in shite
In this 'ole wide world
There's no 'appier club!

Just when we were wondering where our next pay day was coming from, along comes Beano's specialist Medical Big Dick Van Dyke and, like Mary Poppins herself, utters Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, or Super-dean-ashton's-chances-of-ever-playing-again-are-really-quite-atrocious, and all our troubles go away! We are about to launch a compensation claim, it seems, for the injury Ashton received on England duty, seeking a maximum pay out which may be big enough for us to retain Upson and buy Chamack into the bargain, whilst shaving 70k a week off our wage bill.

I wonder, if the FA try to defend the claim and point to the selection of an injured Beano by West Ham exacerbating the injury, could we put in a claim against Curbishley? Talk about killing two birds with one stone!

Of course you have to feel sorry for Ashton in all this. He was an exciting talent and may well have been an England regular by now but for that Wright-Phillips tackle in that England training session. Shame. But if he is going to retire then let's get it sorted so we can beat on the FA's door and demand, "Show me the money!"