Carlyle Considers Bid For West Ham

Details are emerging of a possible bid for West Ham by top U.S. private equity firm Carlyle. The group says in its mission statement that it aims to be "the premier global private equity firm, leveraging the insight of Carlyle's team of investment professionals to generate extraordinary returns across a range of investment choices, while maintaining our good name and the good name of our investors" and has been investigating new investment opportunities to add to its already extensive portfolio.

Apparently a need was identified for a business involving flushing money down the drain and managing great piles of crap. West Ham appeared to fit the bill perfectly until attention switched at the last minute to toilet manufacturers Shanks.

A club spokesman said: "We are disappointed that Carlyle have failed to recognise our unique investment potential and our specialism in this particular sector. Why invest in Shanks when, with the likes of Dyer, Boa-Morte, Davenport, Faubert, Quashie, Ashton, Spector and Jimenez on our books, we must be regarded as one of the market leaders in human waste management. For heavens sake, our previous manager was even nicknamed Turds on a leading West Ham blog. Everybody recognises our defence is shit and agrees that, with Cole injured, our forward line is no better. Indeed, we have specialised in accumulating all sorts of crap in the last three years so we should have been right up Carlyle's street!"