Karren Brady, Andy Gray & Richard Keys. The Full Transcript.

"So Andy, how do you see it panning out today?"

"Well Richard, the teams are setting up very much as you would expect. It's 4-4-2 for both sides and I can see both teams cancelling each other out so it will come down to who wants it the most. But the position that interests me most is that of the assistant referee. Now normally you would expect this sort of movement, up and down this line, keeping very much to one side of the pitch, but I suspect we could see a change of tactics today. For the first fifteen minutes, I anticipate the assistant referee holding this position here."

"Really? That would be unusual. What would be the thinking behind that exactly Andy?"

"Tactics Richard. Tactics. You see I have positioned an ironing board at this point here and a laundry basket full of shirts and a duvet cover."

"I see Andy. And after the first fifteen minutes?"

"Well Richard, I understand that the executive boxes could do with a hoovering and I suspect the lure of the kitchen may prove too great, so I see the assistant referee crossing the pitch at this point here, disappearing down the players tunnel here...and if we move to this graphic over here...running up the stairs here, retrieving a Dyson..."

"A Dyson Andy?"

"Yes Richard, no expense spared in the Premiership these days, so as I say, retrieving the Dyson from the cupboard here...

"Would she be up to using a Dyson Andy?"

"She may struggle with how to switch it on Richard but I'm sure there will a man on hand to explain the operation of the on off switch. It has one of those ball things so controlling it may present a few problems but I'm sure she will get the hang of it."

"Skirting may take a bit of a hammering then Andy?"

"Very possibly Richard, very possibly. But you know, you have to take a chance sometimes. How can they learn if you don't give them experience? You can bring in cheap foreigners but how are we ever going to blood English talent like that?"

"Talent Andy? Would she qualify as talent?"

"Not in that sense Richard. Looking at her, I think the only roasting she can expect is when she cooks a joint of pork."

"Joint of pork eh Andy? Bit of a porker eh?"

"Not a porker as such Richard, in fact a bit on the streaky bacon side but a face like a pot belly if you catch my drift?"

"So you wouldn't want her going in for any headers then Andy?"

"Well if you pull the sheets up over her head Richard. And she has a great pony tail that you could establish the rhythm with."

"So not a Jacqui Oakley then Andy?"

"You could say that Richard. Now Jacqui Oakley could go down on my microphone any day of the week and blow my whistle whenever it takes her fancy."

"What about Karren Brady?"

"Not sure I could deal with finding her dentures still clenched around my Avram Grant afterwards mate."

"Involuntary circumcision Andy?"

"Red card offence in my book mate!"

I haven't seen the full transcript but presumably, given the the fuss being made, it must have been something like that!

Women not understanding the offside law? Do they even know why there are fishing nets at either end of the pitch?

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