Claret & Blue Heritage Sullied & Spoiled.

I applied for a new job today; the missus saw the advertisement in one of her “lady” magazines. £750 a week for a bit of gardening and maintenance, live–in accommodation and just down the road from my family; sounded perfick. The bloke sounded important too; he needed two families just to take care of his house which had TEN bedrooms, so I made arrangements to go for an interview.


He showed me round himself and I have to say, the house was quite something. Interior designed by Liberace and with walls covered in pictures of the football team he supported as a young lad... Cardiff City. “It’s a big old place innit” he said “d’you know it’s got TEN bedrooms!”

I asked him about the name of the house and he said; “when we bought the land it was covered in Silver Birch trees so we ripped ‘em all out and replaced ‘em with gold ones, then we built a house with TEN bedrooms”.

I was curious about the other family who cared for him and what their terms and conditions were and I was somewhat taken aback when he said. “ It’s a bloke called Kieron, he’s got a five year contract worth £75,000 a week.” ”Crikey” I replied “ he must have green fingers and be a whizz at DIY”. “He picks his nose all the time and he’s a right w*anker, if that’s what you mean; why do you think I need a second family? By the way did I tell you my gaff’s got TEN bedrooms?”

Well you’d have to say the house had just about everything. The only thing it lacked really was a running track round the outside, which is a shame, because it would have given onlookers some protection from the glare emanating from the kitschen.

As I cast a hollow eye back at the house, Porsche parked in the driveway, I was reminded of a line from that other Mock Tudor creation “The Merchant of Smut”. “All that glisters is not Gold... some of it is Sullied”!

(Contributed by Marty)