Blowing a Gale (Martin Tyler! Well, I'm shocked!)

Given I'm considered too harsh a critic, I offer you the words of Martin Tyler and Hammer Hero Tony Gale: When Ashton and Boa Morte were breaking two on two: "Boa-Morte doesn't look as if he wants the ball." When Ashton tried to chest trap a ball: "He's struggling to judge the bounce of the ball".

When Green made a hash of coming for two crosses:"He was just standing beneath the cross" and "You've got to be more decisive when coming. He didn't look like getting there." When Cole missed a sitter: "He headed it straight at the keeper. Should have scored."

Of our derailed TGV: "Faubert hasn't really physically turned up for the game. The body language isn't good. He needs to get involved more." When Lucas stood in his six yard box, arms spread wide: "Lucas Neill left it with Robert Green nowhere near." When Mullins shot: "That was a long long long way wide." When Cole tied to control a drilled cross. "You've got to either try to volley or head the ball there, to try to control the ball is all but impossible."

I will take over now! Nobby was brilliant but the goal went in off his arm. Did Boa-Morte cushion the headed pass or was he trying to get out of the way? Not sure! Once Solano was on we looked so much better, which is worrying given he replaced Faubert, our latest "Great hope"! One Nobby pass was, in Gale's words, "World class" and "Out of keeping with the rest of the game."

Noble had a good second half of the second half. Gale again: "The kick in the face seems to have woken him up!" One classic moment when LBM jumped into the back of Cole as he went up for a Nobby cross - Keystone Cops stuff from Little and Large!

Classical Turds substitutions - he gave Ashton 11 minutes to impress Capello ("Cheers boss, I'm off in the summer!") and brought on Spector for Freddie to defend the 1-0 lead aginst 10 men. Typical!

Yes we won but be honest, it was crap, AGAIN! Where was the promised attacking adventure? Where were the promised youngsters? But what about the injuries I hear you whine. It was Fulham! We won with a scrappy goal. Fulham could have had a first half penalty. The passing was, Solano apart, generally awful. We had all the penetration of a eunuch in a chastity belt! Turds is happy of course. Three more points. Nice cup of tea. Lovely views.

Come on dear, time to pack up the caravan and poodle along to the next destination!

Parking the caravan at the cottage

Well what a surprise! We've arrived at the cottage and Turds has parked the bloody caravan! Real message of intent with the selection! Back to 4-5-1 and leave out the leading scorer. Presumably that confirms that Ashton is on his way. Not considered good enough for the mighty Fulham despite scoring against them at UP! Brilliant, just brilliant.

First half, exacty as expected. First thirty seconds, Upson lumps it into the waiting arms of Niemi! Then followed a competition for the worst pass of the season. Upson made his bid when he delivered a suicidal ball to Green. The Beatle entered the competition when he lumped a free kick from the half way over everybody's head for a goal kick but Noble took the laurel when he bisected two players on the touch line, all of five yards away, to give Fulham a throw! Good to see all that work on close passing in training has paid off Alan!

Cole is on fire! Well, by on fire I mean he has had three chances and failed to hit the target with any! Good to see all that work on his shooting has paid off Alan! He has also given away five free kicks so far. How many minutes into the second half before he ses yellow? LBM has been LBM. Classic bad choice with an attempted ball to Faubert. Risible header fom inside six yard box when unchallenged - clearly Nobby has been given responsibility for training "attacking headers"! The shoot on sight philosophy clearly isn't in play despite the lack of goals - Noble had the D all to himself but chose to pass to a Fulham defender instead!

Tony Gale looked at the line ups and said, "The two teams have been set up to negate each other." He then added, "Who dares wins"! Turds heard that as "Who dares might lose!" So the caravan is nicely parked, how about pulling out the awning Turds, then we can all sit down and have a nice cup of tea! 45 minutes of boring dross as per bloody usual!

The Steady Crawl of the Caravan Brigade

Excuse me Alan, how about this for an odd idea? How about we go to Fulham tomorrow and attack the Craven Cottagers? How about we go 3-5-2 – The Beatle, Upson and Anton at the back, Faubert and Nobby as wide men (attacking wing backs), Mullins as the midfield anchor, Noble and Freddie breaking forward from midfield, and Ashton and Sears up front? How about sending a message Al, “We’re better than them so let’s go out and score some goals”? How about you park up the caravan Al, get out of the brown Volvo and jump into a bright red Ferrari instead, putting your foot to the floor? What’s that mate? We still need three points to be safe? A point at Fulham would be a useful stepping stone to survival? Alan? Alan? Wind down the window a second mate! Turn down Radio 2 mate! Oy Alan, mind what you’re doing with that bloody caravan, you nearly ran over my foot!

Red Stripe Sacked.

Well how predictable was that? The Blunted Blades have stabbed poor old Red Stripe in the back. There he was, enjoying a nice drink at the bar when up came McCabe and twisted the plastic blade between poor old Robbo's shoulder blades. Not sure who I feel most sympathy for, Robbo or Gazza! Still, now they can go to rehab together - allegedly. Red Stripe signed up when he read "Winehouse in rehab"!

Muck Spreading all the way down the M4!

Come on Bristol Rovers! One game from a Wembley semifinal, two games from the cup final itself! The scarecrows are getting so exciting the straw is coming out of their ears, "We're off to see the Wizard.." - all hoping to find a new turnip for a brain! Who needs Johnny Depp - it's the Pirates of the West Country! The muck spreaders are revving their engines as we speak and the pretty girls are all climbing aboard the posh combine 'arvesters. "Oh he's so gorgeous, he's got a bright red Combi you know!" Brothers and sisters are having sex as we speak in celebration. Snake bites with blackcurrant tops are being downed! Oooh Arrrrr, Oooh Aaaarrr! Come on you Wurzles, you can do it! Is must be bedlam down there at the moment?

Weekend without football!

God, how depressing. It's the weekend and West Ham don't have a game thanks to our lame exit from the FA Cup! Can't think what to do with myself! What a missedopportunity the games at Eastland represent. City were there for the taking in both matches and we let them off the hook. Good goal by Cole but confirms my suspicion - he panics when he sees the goal. This one found the back of the net because he had his back to goal!

There's only one Neil Warnock!

How many bottles is Red Stripe going to have to down after being turned over so predictably by his predecessor? The crowd were singing, "There's only one Neil Warnock" before kick off and for Robbo's head at the end. Just perfect that Palace wear Claret & Blue!

The game has gone crazy!

How do you make any sense of this? Reading come to West Ham, go down to ten men and proceed to play us off the park, looking as solid as the proverbial rock at the back. Three days later, United come to town and we dominate the game and record our first home win since a rather unconvincing victory over Sunderland. Meanwhile, across town, that same Reading team ship 6 against Spurs and reply with 4 of their own! Logic? Reason? The game's gone crazy!

Kick out Italy!

What would happen to England if our fans behaved liked the Italians? Surely Scotland should be given a bye to Euro 2008 and the Italians kicked out? I was at an Inter v Roma game three seasons ago and could not believe my eyes! Firecrackers thrown on the pitch throughout the game, missiles hurled at the police all match, the away fans showered with missiles from the home fans on the upper tiers. Flares everywhere. A ground would be closed in England if a fraction of this happened and the "English disease" would certainly be used as an excuse to kick us out of the competition. Even Italians are calling for Italian football to be suspended!

Emergency Ward Ten

Now Bowyer's out! This is getting too silly to be coincidental. It is time for Turds to look long and hard at the training routines. The VAST majority of the injuries now are not impact injuries. The players clearly are not match fit when they are going out to play. Turds of course thinks it is all "unbelievable bad luck". What's that old saying? "You make your own luck"!

Bring on the kids!

So the score is 5-0. Derby haven't just layed down, they've died. Bowyer has to come off and we still have another substitution up our sleeve. Tell me, is this not a great opportunity to blood a younger player? "OK Kyle, get on there and score yourself a goal. And you Camara. Show the fans why I signed you!" Did it happen? Nope. "Get stripped off James, let's keep this clean sheet." How are the kids going to progress if they never get a chance?

Red Stripe has Chairman's Backing! Let's drink to that!

"Bryan Robson has won the dreaded vote of confidence from the Blunted Blades chairman Kevin McCabe." Wonder if Red Stripe heard the news in the bar? One for the road Robbo?

Curbishley v Pardew

Obviously we could make this comparison from a number of angles - signings, tactics, training methods and the like. The debate on http://www.westhamfans.org/ has been interesting and, for me, informative. If the rumours about Pardew are true, I now understand why he lost the dressing room and I've found the debate about fitness training eye opening. There is another dimension still. Why, even though, in truth, his record wasn't that great, is Pardew still so popular. How did he recover from the dreadful start and the ludicrous tactics and substitutions in the play off final against Palace? What is it about the man that makes me yearn for his return, even though, during his first turbulent 12 months, I would have gladly chaired a "Sack Pardew" Society and I fully recognise the stupidity of his failure to build a team around Tevez and Mascherano? Is my affection for Pardew simply a nostalgic reaction against "long ball" Curbishley?

It's not difficult to landmark when Pards won me over - it was the play off semifinal against Ipswich and that brilliant "Moore than just a football club" top. Suddenly he stopped being an outsider, an arrogant sod who preached to us misinformed fans, and became part of the soul of the Club. Yes he had trotted out the mantra before, but suddenly he belonged. By demonstrating personal humility when on the threshold of his greatest personal triumph, he suddenly joined the pantheon, a lesser god, but a god none the less through association with, and his apparently genuine respect for, our heritage. It may just have been clever self marketing of course but I fell in love with him as he walked down the touchline in that top. From there, he seemed to get it right every time he spoke to the cameras. He wanted to win but win in the West Ham way. We had an obligation to play with style. For West Ham fans winning wasn't enough. Maybe I was duped, but I lapped it up! There was that dance on the touchline. There was the genuine joy. There was the interaction with the fans, sharing our joy, sharing our excitement. There was that argument with Wenger. There were his comments about too many foreigners in the game. There was his knocking of Sven. He sounded like one of us, a bit cocky, but punching above his weight and doing it with style.

And that was Pardew to me, a guy with style. And he was so positive! He knew somehow that we were destined to get to that Cup Final and he was clever, or respectful enough, to link it all in with Greenwood, to keep paying tribute to the true greats behind the club. Did he ever moan about his luck? Perhaps I have a good editing facility in my brain but I can't remember him doing it. I remember him admitting to getting it wrong when he fielded an understrength team ahead of the Cup game against City, but I don't remember him complaining about the Board's failure to invest in the squad. He accepted the defeat was his fault.

Now, contrast all this with Curbishley. Everybody knows I don't like him and I come from a negative position, but I didn't like Pardew at first! Whereas Pardew had style, Curbishley, it seems to me, is the footballing equivalent of Primark - perfect for a club like Charlton but totally wrong for West Ham. He just hasn't got it somehow. He looks desperate on that touchline. He sounds like a parody of an Eastender, his accent is so unrefined. He looks and acts like a guy from a different era, the era of the big rosette and the football rattle. But he brings none of the nostalgic charm of that era with him. It is a sort of "in your face naffness".

Whereas Pardew tapped into the past and enlisted the ghosts of Moore and Greenwood into his motivational team, Curbishley seems to be frightened of that past, terrified of comparison despite being a child of the era. Perhaps it goes back to his departure as a player, moaning that if you play in midfield for West Ham you're told to pass it to Devonshire and Brooking. He was third best then and that inferiority complex hangs like a millstone round his neck. As a player he had to take the safe option because he wasn't good enough to play the dangerous ball and that mentality pervades his thinking as a manager. I suspect there is, in truth, a bitterness inside him. At Charlton he was top dog, a true god; at West Ham, he is what he always was, an also ran. As a result, he has lost sight of what we stand for. He can't focus on that brilliant light because, as a player, he was blinded by it. He was raised to be a West Ham flair player but ended up a Birmingham and Villa utility man. So faced with the brilliance of our heritage, he dons shades and tries to avoid the light, the light that we, the true fans who are at one with the soul of the club, want to always be a part of. Pardew's brilliance was to step into that light and invite us all inside it; Curbishley's inferiority complex, makes him terrified of the spotlight, terrified of comparison with the greats who he could never measure up to.

People keep saying give him time. My reply is, you can hang a Primark suit in your wardrobe for as long as you like and it will never turn into Armani.

From out of the mouth of Turds...

Turds quoted in The Sun... "...the problem with being a manager is the despair of defeat is greater than the joy of winning...The Premier League is about doing everything you can to survive...At some stages last season I was accused of not being passionate enough. But when I threw a bottle when we lost a goal in injury time to Bolton people said I'd lost it. I don't know where to go from there." Imagine reading this on the coach on the way to the game! Inspiring words ahead of the Derby game? Can you imagine Jose talking like that? Or Wenger? Or Greenwood? Or Pardew? Can you imagine wanting to sign or play for a manager who sounds so depressed, so down, so negative? In answer to Turds dilemma about "where to go from there", may I suggest retirement? The poor old boy is 50 after all!

From out of the mouth of a spoilt brat...

Dean Ashton in "The Sun" talking about the West Ham treatment room: "In a weird way it's a nice place to be, considering everyone in there is injured. There's lots of banter. It makes a nice change from when I was out last year and there wasn't anybody else in there. It was a very lonely place and it was hard going." A nice change eh Dean? Sod the team eh? Sod the fans eh? Just so long as you're happy mate and there's plenty of others to keep you entertained! I can imagine the banter: "So how much are you be paying paid to not play this week?"

Fantastic call!

What a fantastic call to rule that Gallas goal in. Watch it back in real time and it still doesn't look in! The officials get a lot of stick when they get it wrong. Credit where credit is due - that decision was brilliant! Gallas apart, none of the Arsenal players seem to have realised, they weren't wheeling away, Roger Hunt style, arms in the air, they were still trying to score!

Roeder's Return!

Can you believe it? Yet another club has recruited Glen Roeder as manager! Do these chairmen have a death wish? Poor Norwich, they're a decent enough club, I wouldn't wish Roeder on Leeds (not true, I would!) never mind Norwich! They gave us Graham Paddon and John Macdowell for goodness sake!

Sent to Coventry!

So, I'm sure some blinkered fools will be raving about our new strike partnership as the classic little and large, Toshak and Keegan combo. There will be talk of a brave performance, of overcoming injuries, of great tactical decisions, of a stunning winning goal.

There will be bemoaning of luck as the injuries deepen, there will be "get in there" style comments, some may even cry "Wright for England" on the basis of one save.

The truth is, we were awful! Fact, Coventry are shite. Fact we looked bereft of ideas in midfield and up front. Fact, our defending when Coventry scored was school boyish. Fact, Etherington could not get past the full back all night. Fact, we didn't even try to attack down the right hand side. Fact, there was no attempt to play through midfield. Fact, Boa-Morte was dreadful despite his "goal". Fact, Spector and Pantsil are NOT Premiership players.

Two good, two bad? Two bad: Boa-Morte's "pass" to Cole when we had a two against one and our defending for the Coventry goal (we had four full backs on the pitch at the time for heaven's sake!) Two good: Cole's finish and...erm I'm trying here...there must be something else surely...still trying. Boa-Morte's miss hit half volley that pinged off three Coventry defenders into the net? Can't think of ANYTHING else can you? Hang on, Mullins turned well once. Hang on, Etherington fired across the six yard box but Carlton was too dozey to react until the ball had passed - that's why he isn't good enough, as I've said, he doesn't predict or gamble.

Okay this is negative but what else can it be after we looked second best most of the night to a VERY VERY ordinary Coventry team? But we won! We won! We won! So we bloody should do against a team as poor as this! Did we win with any style? Did we win with any swagger? Did we play like West Ham? No, no, no. Quarter final of a cup though! Yes we've scraped past Bristol Rovers, Plymouth and Coventry. Big bloody deal and, Green apart (let's face it, a goalie needs to rest!) we've largely played the best team available, or brought them on when struggling! If this was a one off, fair enough; but it wasn't, this is part of a pattern: our football is getting ugly, crude, defensive and long ball. Bobby Moore must be turning in his grave!

Ratings: Wright 5 (one good save, two dropped crosses) Neill 5 (again lost possession trying to dribble out of defence. Ludicrous booking.) McCartney 6 (tried but Coventry kept probing down his flank. No surprise to find two unmarked Coventry players on left hand side of box for their goal) Upson 6 Ferdinand 5 Bowyer 4 (What did he do besides moan?) Mullins 6 Noble 6 Etherington 5 (no pace at all tonight!) Cole 6 (good goal but mostly dozey) Boa-Morte 3 (his touch was dreadful!) Spector 6 (saved a goal by closing down Coventry player and ran about a bit) Pantsil 4 (did he do ANYTHING?) Gabbidon 5

One Day, Sometime, Never

OK, the definitive nickname for the new Spurs under Ramos: The One Day Nevers!

One day you have 7 points, the next...

Another rumour: "Sevilla president Jose Maria Del Nido plans to report Tottenham to Fifa and Uefa for 'tapping up' his coach Juande Ramos. (Sunday Express)" Perhaps the Premier League should deduct 6 points!