West Ham's Greatest Ever Players - Number 10

My choice at number 10 caused quite a stir when we signed him: little old West Ham, a selling club and feeder club to the big boys, had just paid a world record transfer fee for a goalkeeper! For shock value, it wasn't quite in the same league as the dual "signing" of Tevez and Mascherano, but I was certainly surprised and excited when the announcement was made.

How good was Parkes? Very good. Whilst Rob Green is fortunate to be playing during a lean era for England keepers, Phil Parkes found himself competing with both Shilton and Clemence, two of the very best ever, for an England spot. Shilton set a record of 120 caps for England and Clemence claimed 61 for himself, so it is easy to see why Phil's chances at international level were limited to just the one cap. If he were playing now, he would be Capello's first choice without a shadow of doubt!

It is amazing to think that Parkes won a runners up medal in the old First Division with QPR and finished third in the division with West Ham. Doing that with two such "unfashionable clubs" in the modern era must be a pretty unique record unless the player had the good fortune to play for Brian Clough. It is also amazing in the circumstances of today's game to think that QPR knocked back six bids from Manchester United for Parkes and only agreed to sell when West Ham offered what seemed like an incredible half a million pounds. Just imagine, West Ham outbidding Manchester United for a top quality player! In our dreams!

Parkes was ever present in that glorious season of 1985-86 when we came within touching distance of winning the title. He played a total of 444 games for the club in all competitions, won an FA Cup winners medal in 1980, keeping a clean sheet against the mighty Arsenal, and was in the team that was robbed of victory over Liverpool in the League Cup final by the outrageous failure not to rule out the Liverpool goal after Lee, who was unsighting Parkes and in an offside position, ducked deliberately under the ball on its way into the goal. In those days, that was offside, no question whatsoever!

What made Parkes so good? Well, unlike Green, he exuded a sense of calm and control. I can't remember Parkes ever looking ruffled - he did his job with the absolute minimum of fuss and the defenders in front of him always knew exactly what he would do in any given circumstance. Whereas Green seems to make random decisions on which cross to come for, Parkes seemed to have a set formula, all calculated in advance, from which he rarely, if ever, deviated. Do I remember any individual great saves? Strangely no. Parkes was very agile for such a big guy, but somehow the saves were made to look routine too, rather like Greaves made scoring easy and how Makele made it look so easy to anchor the midfield. That is genius in my book.

Was he as good as I remember? That is hard to say. Keepers in those days were not filmed in every game from every angle so perhaps we were more forgiving because the errors were not replayed over and over again. I well remember how Clemence was criticised after a few goals were conceded by England from direct free kicks so, maybe, I would remember more Parkes errors had every West Ham game been televised as in the modern game. Can anybody remember any Sprake like clangers from Phil Parkes? Or does anybody remember a stand out save? Or was he just Mr Efficiency as I remember him.

One sad footnote - Phil's very last game for West Ham was in the 6-0 defeat in the League Cup semifinal against Oldham. Remember Frankie Bunn? I still have nightmares! I know Strodder started that night, wearing the number 9 shirt, but our defence still featured Alvin Martin, Tony Gale and Julian Dicks. 6-0, to Oldham? Let's move on shall we?

West Ham's Flying Circus Tactics Team Talk

(Scene: Upton Park dressing room before kick off)

Mark Noble: Afternoon Boss.

Zola: Tally-ho, Nobes.

Mark Noble: How we setting up?

Zola: Bally Stoke next. Last match, pranged his kite right in the how's-your-father;
hairy blighter, dicky-birded, feathered back on his sammy, took a waspy,
flipped over on his Betty Harpers and caught his can in the Bertie. So four
three three.

Noble: Er, I'm afraid I don't quite follow you, Boss.

Zola: It's perfectly ordinary tactics, Nobes. Bally Stoke, pranged his kite
right in the how's-your-father; hairy blighter, dicky-birded, feathered
back on his sammy, took a waspy, flipped over on his Betty Harpers and
caught his can in the Bertie. So four three three.

Noble: No, I'm just not understanding tactics at all well today. Give us it
slower.

Zola: Tactics are not the same if you say it slower, Nobes.

Noble: Hold on then -- Parkie! -- just bend an ear to the Boss's tactics for a
sec, would you?

Parker: Can do.

Noble: Jolly good. Fire away.

Zola: Bally Stoke... (he goes through it all again)

Parker: No, I don't understand those tactics at all.

Zola: Something up with my tactics, chaps?

GRAMS: AIR RAID SIRENS
(Enter Clarke, out of breath)

Clarke: Bunch of monkeys on the ceiling, boss! Grab your egg-and-fours and
let's get the bacon delivered!

Parker (to Zola): Do you understand that?

Zola: No -- I didn't get a word of it.

Parker: Sorry, old man, we don't understand your tactics.

Clarke: You know -- bally tenpenny ones dropping in the custard!
(no reaction)

Clarke: Um -- Charlie choppers chucking a handful!

Noble: No no -- sorry.

Zola: Say it slower, old chap.

Clarke: Slower tactics, sir?

Zola: Ra-ther.

Clarke: Um -- sausage squad up the bell end?

Noble: No, still don't get it. Bell end left last January.

Clarke: Um -- cabbage crates coming over the briny?

The others: No, no.

(Film of Stoke's high balls pumped into the West Ham penalty box)

Duxbury (voice-over): But by then it was too late. The first cabbage crates hit West Ham in the third minute. That was just the beginning.

(Duxbury seen sitting at desk, on telephone)

Duxbury: Five million for Green? That's all he is worth now, is it? And what
about Carlton?...Good Lord, nothing more.

Sullivan Wants It All For Nuffin

It seems that Sullivan is so desperately in love with the idea of owning West Ham that he isn't willing to part with a single penny to buy the club. I understand his logic - £45m of current debts plus money owed on transfers and the Tevez settlement do not make great reading on face value, but all businesses are geared to some extent.

If we look at the asset values of the club, then the playing staff must be worth a good £85m, which would clear all debts at a stroke, leaving the ground as a "gimme" asset should anybody wish to buy and turn the asset into hard cash. I reckon that Sullivan would pocket a profit of £40m should he get West Ham for nowt and sell the players before developing Upton Park into Barratt style apartments.

It is harder to see how West Ham is worth anything approximating to £100m as a going concern however. Working on the basis of £65m of committed debts, the club is hopelessly geared based on an operating turnover of less than £60m. I am not an accountant but I do understand that when your annual revenue barely covers your annual operating costs, then you don't want to be servicing a massive debt of £65m on top of that, especially when that debt will have to be renegotiated at some point, with penalty interest rates imposed because of the high risk rating that would apply.

Where does this take us? Into check mate it seems to me. C&B Holdings can sell players, repay the debt and then demand £45m from Sullivan for the club. January could be a very difficult month indeed!

The West Ham Flying Circus

Zola: There iz trouble at millwall.

Duxbury: Oh no - what kind of trouble?

Zola: One ozze cross beams az gonze owt askewzi treddle.

Duxbury: Pardon?

Zola: One ozze cross beams az gonze owt askewzi treddle.

Duxbury: I don't understand what you're saying.

Zola: (slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear accent) One ozze cross beams az gonze owt askewzi treddle.

Duxbury: Well what on earth does that mean?

Zola: I don't know - Mr Nani just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the millwall, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of FA Inquisition.

(JARRING CHORD)
(The door flies open and members of the FA burst in with various bewigged judges)

Judge Hawthorne: NOBODY expects the FA Inquisition! Our chief weapon is
suprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two
weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our
three weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an
almost fanatical devotion to FIFA.... Our four...no...
Amongst our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as
fear, surprise.... I'll come in again. (Exit and exeunt)

Zola: I didn't expect a kind of FA Inquisition.

(JARRING CHORD)
(The FA officials and judges burst in)

Hawthorne: NOBODY expects the FA Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such
diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost
fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn! (To
Judge Danforth) I can't say it - you'll have to say it.

Danforth: What?

Hawthorn: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'

Danforth: (rather horrified): I couldn't do that...

(Lord Justice Smith bundles the officials and judges outside again)

Zola: I didn't expect a kind of FA Inquisition.

(JARRING CHORD)
(The judges and officials enter)

Hawthorn: Er.... Nobody...um....

Danforth: Expects...

HAWTHORN: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the FA...um...

Danforth: Inquisition.

Hawthorn: I know, I know! Nobody expects the FA Inquisition. In fact,
those who do expect -

Hawthorn: Our chief weapons are...

Danforth: Our chief weapons are...um...er...

Hawthorn: Surprise...

Danforth: Surprise and --

Hawthorn: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah!
...our chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Lord Justice Taylor,
read the charges.

Lord Justice Taylor: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Creed of the FA and Premier League. 'My old man said follow the--'

Danforth: That's enough. (To Duxbury) Now, how do you plead?

Duxbury: We're innocent.

Hawthorn: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER')

Danforth: We'll soon change your mind about that!

(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL ACTING')

Hawthorn: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- (controls himself with a
supreme effort) Ooooh! Now, Lord Justice Taylor -- the rack!

(A plastic-coated dish-drying rack is produced. Hawthorn looks at it and
clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover
his anger)

Hawthorn: You....Right! Tie him down.

(Lord Justice Taylor and Danforth make a pathetic attempt to tie Duxbury on to the drying rack)

Hawthorn: Right! How do you plead?

Duxbury: Innocent.

Hawthorn: Ha! Right! Judge, give the rack (oh dear) give the rack a turn.

(Danforth stands their awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders)

Lord Justice Taylor: I....

Hawthorn: (gritting his teeth) I know, I know you can't. I didn't want to say
anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.

Danforth I...

Hawthorn: It makes it all seem so stupid.

Danforth: Shall I...?

Hawthorn: No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!

(Lord Justice Taylor turns an imaginary handle on the side of the dish-rack)

Cut to them torturing Luton Town.

Wembley Pays Tribute To The REAL Heroes!

Full marks to the Wembley crowd last night for the reception given to the soldiers just back from Afghanistan and Iraq (and to whoever organised for them to be there!). It was genuinely touching to see the crowd stand and applaud, and even better, after the game, to see groups of people spontaneously standing and applauding these genuine heroes, with queues forming as people waited to shake hands and say thanks for their efforts.

I was opposed to the Iraq war and believe we should get out of Afghanistan as soon as we possibly can, but it was refreshing to see that the people of Britain still appreciate what our soldiers are doing. The term "hero" is thrown around like confetti in the world of sport, as is the term "pressure". I know I would much rather be taking a penalty in a semifinal shoot out than be in Helmand Province at the moment!

Well done to our soldiers and well done to the fans too!

Are Sullivan and Gold Serious?

This is more on-of-on-off than Ronaldo's move to Real Madrid. One thing's for sure, if it is going to happen, it is in everybody's interests to get the deal done sooner rather than later. We have seen before how Boardroom uncertainty can lead to indifferent performances on the pitch - and that was before the club faced the very real prospect of insolvency.

If you are looking for a parallel for our present position, you need look no further than Newcastle. I put money on them to go down last Christmas because, like a stick of Brighton Rock, no matter how far you bite down, they had the same word imprimpted through them, "Chaos". What was true of Newcastle last season is true of us now. The team is not playing as a team, the manager is pressing ahead with tactics which clearly do not work, senior professionals are probably thinking about their escape route, the club's top striker can't get onto the pitch, and foreigners and youngsters and being blooded in the midst of a relegation struggle. And to top it all, the owners don't want to own the club and are unwilling to finance new purchases. That is a catastrophic combination. You could even find a parallel between Shearer and Zola, a playing "great" with no experience of the management game - and so ill equipped to cope with the pressure.

Whether or not Sullivan would be "the best thing to happen to the club in 20 years", as Barry Fry claims (with characteristic hyperbole), is open to debate but ANYTHING has to be better than the present situation. I would even welcome a partnership of Brown and IKEA! Hopefully, what we are seeing is posturing, with both sides trying to negotiate the price to suit themselves. If we hit December and C&B Holdings are still in charge, we will go down. I won't have money on it because I could never bet on that, but anybody without a conscience would be mad not to put their mortgage on it!

Can England Cope Without Rooney?

Our chances in recent tournaments were scuppered by injuries to key players and Capello must be having nightmares about the possibility of losing Rooney for the World Cup. Last night suggested that Ivebonkedawhore is not up to the job and Defoe is a completely different sort of player. If he plays, the style of play will change with a more rigid 4-4-2 necessary because Defoe lacks the ability to drop back into midfield, swap positions with Gerrard, etcetera.

Until Beckham's arrival last night, we looked very ordinary but his range of passing transformed the game. And there perhaps is the answer to the Rooney nightmare scenario. Move Gerrard into Rooney's position, bring Beckham into the midfield and play Joe Cole wide on the left, inter-changing with Gerrard, and maybe we will have the solution. The problem here will be the loss of pace on the flanks so maybe Lampard has to be sacrificed, using Beckham as a traditional playmaker, alongside the combative Barry, and employing one of Walcott, Wright-Phillips or Lennon wide on the right.

I accept that Rooney would still be missed but he is not as crucial as some are trying to suggest once Joe Cole is back fit and on form.

Carlton Is International Class, Beckham is World Class

Great evening yesterday, at Wembley to watch a brilliant second half England performance featuring an awesome Beckham and a very impressive Carlton Cole. My double on Newcastle to go down and England to win the World Cup is still looking quite healthy.

We started superbly and had numerous chances in the first 15 minutes but then we seemed to switch off. Barry was excellent and Lampard did ok, but neither of the wide men were in the game enough and, apart from his role in the goal and that run and shot, Gabriel Ivebonkedawhore did not look up to the job. I like him as a player so hope he gets another chance but he didn't do himself any favours last night because his basic ball control looked poor. At the back we were also untidy. Johnson, Ferdinand and Terry all gave the ball away carelessly at least once over the 90 minutes and quality opponents will make us pay if we do that in the Finals.

How good is Beckham? People moan about his "gimme caps" but the guy oozes class. The whole stadium rose to him when he came on and, first touch, he set up Wright-Phillips' goal. His pass selection was awesome and, for the time he was on the pitch, the game revolved around him. Is his role as a sub or does Capello have to start thinking about how he can include his talisman from the start? I know we were up against modest opponents but Beckham was playing like the old style playmaker, collecting the ball and pinging defence stretching passes at every opportunity. His legs may not be up to a full 90 minutes of hurly-burly international football but, as he demonstrated when he stripped off at the end, he remains an incredible physical specimen! If anybody can cope at Beckham's age, then Beckham can.

And Carlton? Myself and my son tried, on our own, to reproduce Beckham's reception when he came on but, for some reason, nobody else stood up with us! I loved the run and shot - all that fear of having a go has evaporated. The close control when receiving passes with his back to goal was also superb. Playing up top alongside Crouch was not ideal because they went for the same ball a few times but Carlton did enough to prove, once again, that he is genuinely international class. Crouch, Heskey or Cole - only two can go so who will miss out?

One last thought - with that beard, is Becks looking for a part in True Blood?

Major Announcement On West Ham's Official Site

News on the takeover of the club?

Er no.

News on Ashton's fitness and future?

Er no.

A breakthrough in medical science that means Dyer can play for two games in succession?

Er no.

Zola reverting to 4-4-2?

Er no.

What is it then?

The club have announced a new look for the screensaver! Well, that's what I call news!

West Ham As Sick As A Parrot!

David Sullivan enters Upton Park.

Sullivan: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(Duxbury does not respond.)

Sullivan: 'Ello, Miss?

Duxbury: What do you mean "miss"? Has Carlton had a shot again?

Sullivan: I'm sorry, I have a Gold. I wish to make a complaint!

Duxbury: We're closin' for lunch.

Sullivan: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this club what I was thinking of purchasing not half an hour ago from this very stadium.

Duxbury: Oh yes, the, uh, the Icelandic Claret & Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?

Sullivan: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. it's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

Duxbury: No, no, it's uh,...it's resting.

Sullivan: Look, matey, I know a dead club when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

Duxbury: No no it's not dead, it's, it's restin'! Remarkable club, the Icelandic Claret & Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful kit!

Sullivan: The kit don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

Duxbury: Nononono, no, no! It's resting!

Sullivan: All right then, if it's restin', I'll wake it up!

(shouting at the changing rooms)

'Ello, Mister West 'Am United! I've got a lovely new centre forward for you if you show...(Duxbury kicks the sleeping Ashton)

Duxbury: There, he moved!

Sullivan: No, he didn't, that was you kicking the malingerer!

Duxbury:I never!!

Sullivan: Yes, you did!

Duxbury: I never, never did anything...

Sullivan: (yelling and hitting Ashton repeatedly) 'ELLO BEANO!!!!!

Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes Ashton out of the dressing room and thumps his head on the counter. Throws him up in the air and watches him plummet to the floor.)

Sullivan: Now that's what I call a dead centre forward.

Duxbury: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

Sullivan: STUNNED?!?

Duxbury: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Icelandic Claret and Blues stun easily, major.

Sullivan: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That player and this club is definitely deceased, and when I was thinking of purchasing it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged preseason.

Duxbury: Well, its...its, ah...probably pining for the glaciers.

Sullivan: PININ' for the glaciers?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did the club fall flat its back the moment the season started?

Duxbury: The Icelandic Claret & Blue prefers kippin' on it's back! Remarkable club, id'nit, squire? Lovely kit!

Sullivan: Look, I took the liberty of examining the books when I got home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in tenth place in the first place was because it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

Duxbury: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed the club down, it would have nuzzled up to the top four, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee! Champions League!

Sullivan: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this club wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! It's bleedin' demised!

Duxbury: No no! It's pining!

Sullivan: It's not pinin'! It's passed on! This club is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed it to the perch of tenth place it would be pushing up the daisies! Its metabolic processes are now 'istory! It's off the twig! It's kicked the bucket, it's shuffled off it's mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!

THIS IS AN EX-CLUB!!!

Always look on the bright side of life!

West Ham Going Down or Going Under

Now Sullivan may just be trying to talk down the price, but his analysis of our situation sounds pretty accurate to me. Unless somebody stumps up the money over the next couple of months, it is hard to see how we can both survive in the Prem or survive as a going concern.

The debts are massive and are growing. The sale of Collins showed how desperate the situation is and, apparently, we have sacrificed future revenue streams to fund the signing of Diamanti and to cover wage bills and operating costs. C&B Holdings are in no position to pump in further money and the vultures are gathering around Straumer. West Ham Untited FC does have an asset value, but West Ham United FC is not a viable business model. What do Asset Management companies do in a situation like this? If they can't sell the brand, they strip the assets.

I warned back in April that we should keep a look out for the Barratt helicopter flying over Upton Park. Come January, who would be surprised if Upson, Green, Parker and Cole were sold? If that happens, what chance is there of us surviving as a Premiership club?

Sorry this is depressing but, as Sullivan says, there may well be very dark days ahead.

People Of Bracknell Unite!

Wake up Bracknell, wake up Sandhurst, wake up Crowthorne, political and football blogger Iain Leaning Towards The Right Dale fancies becoming your MP! Spying what appears to be a Tory safe seat, despite second home scandals in the constituency, the tubby West Ham fan, and Blakey lookalike, will be hoping to capture votes in the up coming primary. He is even using his football blog - West Ham Til I Die - to beg Hammers fans to turn up and show their support!

Just picture the scene, champagne swilling, prawn sandwich chomping Tories suddenly beseiged by ICF tatted yobs carrying cans of Fosters! Come on lads, turn up for Iain - that will definitely bury his chances!

Delia Smith Consortium Looking At West Ham Takeaway.

After Carson Yeung's take over at Birmingham, Gold and Sullivan have been freed up to buy another Subbuteo team to play with. It looked as if they might be interested in ourselves but it seems the price is putting them off, so Norwich City may now be a more tasty titbit for the merchandisers of soft porn. If that deal goes through, perhaps Delia Smith might decide to front up a takeover of West Ham. Let's face it, Delia could surely come up with a more tasty menu than Pie & Mash and Jellied Eels!

To be honest, she would be a perfect director in our current plight. If she cooked nothing else, she could at least cook the books!

Come on Delia, where are ya? Where are ya?

General Franco Fit For Mexico...But For West Ham?

General Franco managed 86 minutes for Mexico in a World Cup qualifying international yesterday and, according to the OS, played a part in two of the goals - albeit, he didn't score himself, which is the chief reason why we have signed him! The big question now is why the Guacamole Dictator is fit to play for his country but hasn't even been getting on to the bench for West Ham.

There are echoes of Bellyache and Tristan here. Remember how Period Pains was fit to play for Wales but unable to get out of the treatment room at Upton Park? How could we forget as he appears in every game for Man City and outshines Tevez and Ribena? And remember how it took Tristan a good six months before he was ready to walk around the pitch for anything approximating to 90 minutes?

So why is it? Maybe, just maybe, Franco, like Bellyache and Tristan, is only at the club for the paypacket and lacks the hunger to do it out on the pitch in Claret and Blue. "Me, I only play in green!"

Green Looked Green In England Green

I'm not one to support cheating but I have to say that our Robert did himself and the team no favours when he stood out of his goal inviting the referee to give him his marching orders tonight. Had he kept his wits about him, Green would have stayed on the ground, feigning a serious injury, giving Capello the chance to substitute him ahead of the probable red card or allowing the referee the opportunity to deem a yellow sufficient given the natural justice of a possible serious injury.

Imagine Lehmann in that situation or that bastard German who took out the French guy in the World Cup back in Platini's playing days. It would have been a good five minutes before either were able to climb groggily to their feet. But not our Robert. He was up straight away and stood waiting for the card, making the decision to send him off so easy. Perhaps he didn't fancy going to South Africa after all or, more likely, he maybe isn't the brightest cookie in the jar!

West Ham Hoodoo Strikes Again

That's it, I said two years back that a gyspy had put a curse on our club because Turds refused to buy a sprig of heather off her as he drove up to the ground in his brown Volvo, and with the sending off of Green in the game against the Ukraine, there now can't be any doubt about it!

Injuries, third party agreements, bankruptcy of the owners, the credit crunch, Green's dismissal, it's all down to Turds' failure to give the old hag a couple of quid! I'm not sure how this curse can be exorcised, but if it involves crucifying Curbishley upside down in the carpark outside the ground, I'm happy to supply the nails and wood.

West Ham Sign Defender

News is emerging that we have made a key signing to bolster our defence. No it is not Sol Campbell but Ken Macdonald QC, the former Director of Public Prosecutions. Such is our concern about possible claims related to the Tevez affair, that, though we have had to sell a key defender on the pitch, we feel compelled to recruit an expert to defend us off of it! Great!

The name doesn't inspire confidence does it? In Macbeth, Shakespeare describes Macdonald thus: "for that the multitudinous villainies did swarm about him" - would that be Duxbury and his cronies I wonder? Or a reference to Warnock, Bates and the excuses for Sheffield United players?

Let's hope that Macdonald doesn't walk away with a big fat cheque on top of orders for us to pay compensation to Warnock, Bates, Uncle Tom Cobley and all. "Ten million quid Mr Warnock, would you like West Ham fried with that?"

Striking Has Beans Means Hines Is The Answer!

How quickly has Hines burst onto the scene? I know the kid has been knocking around in the reserves and out on loan for a couple of seasons now, but did anybody seriously expect him to be one of the diamonds in the current crop of youngsters? Up until this season, all the talk was of Freddie Sears and how he might be the new Tony Cottee, but with Sears farmed out to Palace and not pulling up any trees in the Fizzy Pop, it is Hines who is grabbing the only positive headlines that are West Ham related. Could the boy be the new Jermaine Defoe?

Unfortunately, because of his ridiculous 4-3-3 formation and his obsession with picking wide men on the wrong flank, Zola has been playing Hines out of position so far. As a result, along with Tompkins, Zavon was to blame for the Torres goal at Upton Park, having given away possession in his own half, and has not yet had the goalscoring impact that Defoe and Cottee achieved in their early days. However, his two goals for the England U21s and his goals against Millwall show that the boy, given the chances, has the composure to bury them. I still think he should have the number 57 on his back!

The sooner Zola reverts to 4-4-2 therefore, the better. It is a little desperate to be pinning our hopes on a kid who has yet to net in the Prem, but these are desperate times. The boy does have pace and an eye for goal and is, therefore, potentially ideal to play on the shoulder of Cole, giving Carlton the opportunity to play the ball behind defenders rather than having to always look backwards as under the present set up. The inclusion of Hines would induce opponents, fearful of his pace, to defend deeper and would create space between their back four and midfield for either Diamanti or Jimenez to operate in. How can either play "in the hole" when there is no hole because the opposition are able to compress the play so easily?

Collison and Behrami are on their way back and that must make us stronger. Put Hines into the mix and, who knows, we might find a way of making the jigsaw fit. How ironic would it be, however, if after wasting money on Savio and sourcing General Franco, it was a kid apparently on nobody's radar at the start of the season who emerges as our key player? Tristan, Di Michelle, General Franco...the striking has beans means Hines may be the answer. Here's hoping!

West Ham Lose Again - But Don't Let On!

Reading the Official Site report on the game played behind closed doors at Upton Park, you might be excused for thinking that we won the game rather than suffered yet another reverse - against the mighty Valenciennes today. Valencia? No, not quite, Valenciennes! Who? You might well ask!

Well actually Valenciennes are quite a tasty side apparently, up there with the Real Madrids, Inter Milans and Barcelonas of this world! Well, more accurately, they are riding high in Ligue 1 in France - riding high being in 11th place in an 18 team league! Come on, that's nearly mid table isn't it! And we all know how good the French league is, they regularly have teams in the semifinal of the Champions League don't they?

To add weight to their status, we are told by the Official Site that they came into the game on the back of a wonderful string of results - three wins and a draw in their last four games - which included a 3-2 home victory over Marseilles. We are not told who else they beat but I'm sure all their opponents were fantastic - one was probably called L'Escargot!

Mind you, Valenciennes selected a near full strength side - they were only missing four first team players - whilst we picked a virtual reserve team - apart from Collison, Ilunga, Gabbidon, Behrami, Diamanti, Faubert and Jimenez of course - which, hang on, means we had just as many first team players playing as the mighty Valenciennes fielded!

Look in on the Official Site and you will read an article slanted in a very different way from this one, including a picture of the celebrations of West Ham's single goal in a 2-1 home defeat to an unheard of team who are currently in the bottom half of the French league. I wonder if Duxbury penned it?

West Ham's Greatest Ever Players - Number 9

Some might argue vociferously the case for Devo to figure higher in the list than number 9. He wasn't just a Cup Winner, of course, it was Devonshire's run and cross that led to Brooking's winning goal against Arsenal and one of the biggest Cup Final shocks ever. The £5,000 we paid Southall for his services was unquestionably the best transfer business the club ever did and there isn't a Hammers fan of my generation who does not treasure fond memories of Alan skinning opponents.

However, as good as he was, Devonshire had a major weakness for an attacking midfield player - his finishing. Had you asked me to guess his goals to games ratio, I might have pitched at 30 for every 200 games; but Devonshire actually fell well short of that mark, managing just 32 goals in 432 appearances (plus a further 16 as a sub). When you consider that 117 of those starts were in the old Second Division, then that record really is singularly unimpressive. As a comparison, Kevin Keen, not exactly a great, managed 30 goals from 237 starts (plus 42 as a sub!)

Alan played 8 times for England, another indication that he was that little bit short of top class. In truth, leaving aside sentimentality, he figures so high in the list because of the number of games he played for the club. In terms of quality, I don't think he could hold a torch to any of Lampard Junior, Ince, Rio or Joe Cole. That might upset a few people but that's how I see it. If you disagree, I'm happy to listen!