Now Let's Judge Avram Against Zola!

In Zola the morons trusted! And boy did they let us know it! It was like the bleat of the sheep in Animal Farm! Every time somebody dared to criticise the tactics, the selection policy, the transfer signings, the performances or even the blasted results, up came the bleat, "In Zola we trust", trying to drown out the truth.

Great guy though he is, this site's regular, Stani Army, was something of a Squealer in this. He was never a sheep but Stani only just stopped short of saying, "Zola is always right"! "Don't blame Zola, blame the players" was Stani's mantra and the argument was always, "We will never be able to measure Zola because the next manager will not start the season with the same squad. S&G will back the new man." Oh yes?

Well, according to Stani, Piquionne and Ben Haim are poor signings. Thus far, we have spent less in the transfer market than we spent last season. Indeed, I have a hunch that we will recoup more money than we spend, with my favourite to leave being Behrami. So, where is the financial backing for Grant exactly?

The truth is, Grant has already proved himself more astute than Zola. Hitzlespurger looks a much better signing than Jimenez. Barerra is a chancy signing but he looks to fit the team's needs better than Diamanti. Piquionne and Ben Haim may not set the pulses racing but they have Prem experience, are not complete mugs and fill gaps in the squad. So far so much better than under Zola.

Now we are in to the friendlies and West Ham are doing what we didn't do under Zola, winning. And we are winning without our "star" players in the team too. And what is more, we seem to have a shape and the players are being played in the correct positions. It isn't rocket engineering as I always said. Pick the players to do jobs that they are comfortable with and they will play better. Pick players out of position and on the wrong flank and, unless they are World Class, they will struggle.

Grant is not a genius but that means he understands the importance of organisation and playing within your limitations. The players loved Zola because he made them feel like gods. But what is the point of entering your ugly daughter for a beauty pageant? She will only end up humiliated. And that's what happened to us under Zola! He convinced the players that they were better than they were, are and ever will be and asked them to do what they could not do. And as they staggered down the catwalk, the biggest threat to the opposition was that they would fall about laughing! Mick McCarthy couldn't believe his luck when he saw our team sheet for that six pointer at Upton Park! Team talk? All he had to do was show his players Zola's team!

To better Zola, Grant only has to finish fifth from bottom this season. To better Zola, Grant only has to average one point a game. To better Zola, Grant only has to win two games away from home this season. Let the comparison begin! And if Grant comes out on top, then all you bleating sheep had better own up! In Zola we trusted? What a bunch of mugs!

West Ham Aquire The Winning Habit Under Avram

OK they were only two friendlies, and true the opposition were not the best, but two wins in two games represents a major step forward on this time last year. Under Zola, we struggled to win, no matter the game and no matter the opposition. Grant seems to have changed that immediately. Long may this run continue!

Importantly, these two victories were achieved without Parker, Green, Upson and Behrami and without the three new signings. It was good to see Cole on the scoresheet for the second game in a row and to see McCarthy not only score, but looking trimmer. Other positives include Dyer and Ilunga starting, although, of course, Dyer does friendlies, it's the real games he misses.

I was also pleased to see Noble wearing the captain's armband. I still hope to see him "come again" in Claret & Blue. Unfortunately Sears failed to score yet again. Tomkins playing at right back was also an interesting move. He has played there before, of course, and was even used in midfield when on loan to Derby. Maybe, just maybe, he could be developed in this right back role. The other big plus is the form of Der Hammer - he hasn't scored yet but he is looking good in midfield apparently.

Whisper it quietly but I am still feeling optimistic about next season!

Capello Index Nails Green To The Cross!

God only knows what he was thinking of when he agreed to this "Capello Index", apart from filthy lucre of course, but the ratings that were published live on the net today, in the name of our esteemed England manager, damned dear Robert Green as the worst of the worst at the World Cup.

That comes as no surprise to me. I blogged that our early exit was ultimately down to Green. It was his blunder that allowed the USA to draw that opening group game and, but for that, we would have topped the group and would have had a relatively easy journey through to the semifinal. Of course, Hammers fans leapt to the defence of Green as soon as I posted that article; but the Capello Index appears to have arrived at the same conclusion.

"What about that great second half save?". It didn't make up for the dreadful, unforgivable error, just as I said, and as the Capello index has now confirmed!

Poor Rob, like Jesus, has been crucified. But there the similarity with the Christian Messiah ends. Jesus allegedly saves. Sadly, at a World Cup, Rob Green doesn't!

Nepotism and Mediocrity. The Avram Era Begins Badly

(Submitted by Stani)

Pompey old boys Piquionne and Ben Haim can only be said to have been bought on merit if our ambition is to buy average players with no potential. There's more nepotism than ambition here!

Mind you, Grant's appointment hardly screams ambition does it? Anyone could have guided Jose Mourinho's team to the Champion's League final. Staff at Chelsea said that Grant's coaching techniques were '25 years behind the times'. This is from an unnamed Chelsea player:

"Chelsea deserve a bigger coach than him. Grant does not have the quality to coach a team like this. When we play big opponents we will suffer because of him." http://tinyurl.com/572t96

Now he clearly knows better than you and me, having worked under Grant. Even Grant's friend, Mr Abramovich, had to eventually get rid of him. As for the FA Cup final, its just a cup competition. Cardiff got there in 2008 under Dave Jones, would he merit being a West Ham manager? A cup run proves nothing.

Piquionne has a poor goalscoring record and we have given him a 3 year deal on 40k a week apparently - to a striker who will be 32 in December. Tell me, does that make sense? We will be paying him a salary of over £2m when he is 35!

As for Ben Haim, like Piquionne, he played in a side that was relegated last season. It has been argued that our relegated players were also purchased by clubs when we went down but ours were young with potential. I do not see the potential in a 28 year old defender who is currently not very good. Believe me, when I say he makes more mistakes than Tomkins! We will now see this at first hand, unfortunately. He dithers and is consistently bullied off the ball.

Barrera will bring quality but his signing was cleverly delayed to soften the blow of Piquionne and Ben Haim. I disagree that Hitzlsperger is one of our better players by a mile. He is a solid, reliable type and we should not make him out to be more than he is.

Grant knows Piquionne and Ben Haim from previous clubs, and since I've dismissed the merit argument above, their signings must be down to cronyism or nepotism. I have said nothing of a master plan, but you tell me why Grant was appointed without any other manager being interviewed?...or why Ben Ham seems to follow Grant EVEN when he speaks against him. The bond of 'blood is thicker than water' is not broken by a few critical words.

Big money signings? I never expected them, but I hate in when our great fans are taken for fools! Neymar, Beckham, Remy, Cole, Henry...we end up with Piquionne and Bellend Haim!

I'm not claiming to be clever here. I leave that kind of gloating to HF (who is also responsible for adulterating this piece and inserting a crude nickname!). All I am saying is that the new era reeks of nepotism and mediocrity, not meritocracy and ambition!

Sullivan & Gold Delivering on Promises!

(Submitted by Shaun)

Hmmm [shakes head]....a ball has yet to be kicked and already there are 'forecasts' of ominously dark rainclouds of doom! This, despite the fact that new signings were promised...and new signings have been delivered!

Of course, they're not the 'world-beaters' that some would have recommended...that's clear from the damning and frankly, insulting indictments of each and every one of them on certain blogs! I won't even bother reiterating the analogies, because they simply suck!

My point is...what or who exactly did the critics expect?! Don't get me wrong here...West Ham are a BIG club and should have BIG stars on the books, but the current financial situation won't change overnight! There are no sudden mystery funds available to buy the likes of Neymar, Henry, Klose etc...and even if deals for Remy and Cole DID reach fruition, they would have to be on more favourable HP terms than your old Aunty's Kays bloody catalogue!

It would now appear that the media hype regarding a Russian billionaire's investment in the club is just mist of the Scottish variety...G&S confirmed there has been no such contact.It also appears that Gold & Sullivan Independent Traders Inc are unwilling or unable to dig deep and provide huge funds for transfers from their own infinite personal cash reserves, as promised...why should they?

But what they have done, in my opinion, is not only fulfilled their promise of signings, but conducted good business in the process. That is what they do. That is what they're good at. It's not called arse-licking the owners...it's called waiting to see what they do...and on this showing their actions are speaking louder than their words. Indeed, the jury IS still out on G&S...

...But a total of £5 million outlay for Hitzlsperger (note how I spell his name correctly AND respectfully!), Barrera and Piquionne is VERY good business, with the possibility of Ben Haim in addition on a 'free'?

Some might call it 'deepening the squad' on the cheap with players that 'nobody else wants'. But then some, like me, might say 'no, happy with that....4 quality players' ....and without 'deepening' the debt in the process!

Avram's pleased as punch with the new acquisitions too...so let's hope there's a couple more 'surprises' to come...and let's get right behind the team and the manager and be positive eh?! COYI!!

Sullivan and Gold will have to show their hand over next 2 weeks

So far so ordinary. We have Hitlersburger, Ben Haim, Barerra and Piquionne. Of those, only Barerra has the potential to set the pulses racing, but staking all your hopes on a young, untried Mexican is like risking your house and kids in a poker game on a pair of twos. You may win, but it isn't advisable.

For all the excitement when we signed Hitlersburger, he arrives on the back of a very bad season and wasn't considered good enough for the Germany squad. He is probably an average Premiership midfielder and not much more.

As for Piquionne and Benhaim, well they are the equivalent of a pair of slippers and new boxers as Christmas presents. Yes they may come in useful, but you don't wait 12 months in the hope of getting them do you? How much have that lot cost us? Hitlersburger arrived on a free, Barerra only cost £4m and that probably wasn't paid up front, Piquionne cost a cool million and Ben Haim came gift wrapped as a way of easing Pompey's wage bill. So S&G have shelled out a maximum of £5m thus far, if we ignore signing on fees and wages. That could be recouped by the sale on one player!

Of course we have been linked with others, with mouth wateringly expensive deals, but they haven't resulted in signings have they? Going back to the poker analogy, they are no more than bluffs so far, designed to impress but amounting to nothing. The timing of the invitation to buy tickets for the Paolo Di Canio lounge, at £1,800 plus a piece, is interesting. Wouldn't that be a more exciting prospect if you were watching Naymar and Remy rather than Piquionne and McCarthy?

The next two weeks will be very illuminating as Sullivan and Gold have to show their hand. If the four signings are designed to bolster the existing squad then great. Piquionne is a good option to McCarthy as a partner for Cole, should we play 4-4-2 and a reasonable stand in when Carlton is injured. Ben Haim is an experienced option for the centre back berth: we cannot afford to pair Tomkins and Da Costa together. Barerra will hopefully offer the width we were crying out for all last season. And Hitlersburger has the potential to score from midfield, something we desperately need. Chuck that into the pot with the players who finished last season, then the squad looks pretty good, although most agree that a good right back is still needed and maybe a left back too if Ilunga is still in the doldrums.

But that assumes no exits. If, suddenly, we see four players sold to balance the additions to the squad, then we will know what S&G are really up to. Imagine, for a moment, that Cole, Upson, Diamanti and Kovac are all moved on over the next two weeks, for fees totalling £20m plus. Well, suddenly the team will look weaker than last season (Cole is better than Piquionne, Diamanti will score more than Hitlersburger and Upson is better than Ben Haim), and S&G will have banked a £15m surplus on transfer deals, not to mention easing the wage bill. Suddenly, the asset stripping argument will resurface.

Of course, there is a middle way. Any sales may be designed to fund new arrivals. The first four may be designed to deepen the squad and future deals may be based on improving the team. To buy Remy or Naymar, we may have to sell Cole for example. The worry then is how the deals are structured. We have not landed Remy because S&G will not pay up front and the Barerra deal includes a sell on element where Pumas are hoping to make the bulk of their money. But S&G will want money on the table to sell. You can bet your life that £12m today for Cole will be accepted ahead of £7m now, £5m next year, £3m the next and bonuses based on international appearances and goals scored. Never mind the long term, the priority would appear to be raising money now and parting with as little as possible for the foreseeable future.

The worry is that despite the huge financial rewards of being in and staying in the Prem, we have, thus far, invested just £5m in the squad. Wolves paid more than that on one player! Wolves! The team that was already good enough to humiliate us at Upton Park last season! And Stoke have apparently bid £12m for Cole. Stoke, the team already good enough to do the double over us last season!

The transfer merry go round is about to start as players return from breaks after the World Cup. We will know what S&G are really up to within the next fortnight. I would settle for sticking with the squad we have now, plus a utility defender who can cover at right back and left back. My fear, is that there will be comings and goings and that diamonds will be traded for paste and cash. Let's hope I am wrong!

Before Avram Signs Tal Ben Haim He Should Read This

(With thanks to Al who emailed me this!)

From when TBH was at Chelsea and, To Be Honest, didn't rate Avram!

'Tal Ben Haim, signed by Mourinho last summer yet a peripheral figure since his compatriot took over, is under no doubt as to the cause of Chelsea's recent failings.

"Jose Mourinho is the reason I came to Chelsea," said Ben Haim, "and if I knew Avram Grant was going to be the coach I would have signed for another club.

"It was Jose who brought me here and no one except he and I know the conversation we had when he tried to sign me the first time a year ago last January.

"The fact is while Jose was the coach I played most of the games and people who know me know that I would not have come here to be a reserve.

"I knew nothing good would come for me with Grant as Chelsea coach." '

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/2297506/Pressure-mounts-on-Chelseas-Avram-Grant.html

Barerra Today, Gone Tomorrow

The player now standing on the left wing is the intercontinental express service for Madrid, stopping at Tottenham, Manchester and Milan, assuming, of course, that derailment is avoided during the East London section of the journey.

Autumn and winter may, however, cause unscheduled delays due to leaves on the touchlines and the wrong type of ice and snow.

If all goes to plan, the journey will be completed in double quick time; if things do not work out as hoped, expect diversion back to a breaker's yard somewhere in Mexico some time in 2012.

Welcome to the Paolo Di Canio Lounge

Never slow to spot a marketing opportunity, Sullivan and Gold have revealed plans for the new Paolo Di Canio Lounge. Situated in the West Stand, the lounge will provide fans with a truly unique venue in which to enjoy their visit to the home of the Hammers. Themed around Paolo, entrance to the lounge is reserved for fans wearing black shirts, with a special straight arm salute required before you are waived through by jackbooted doormen. Pride of place in the lounge is given to a truncated map of the British Isles which, fittingly, does not extend north of the Watford Gap!

Paolo himself will be on hand to greet fans at the grand opening, pushing them backwards through the door. So, if you have £1,848 (plus VAT) burning a hole in your pocket, then contact the club asap. It is perhaps sobering to think that the great Bobby Moore used to earn £5,200 a year when captaining West Ham and England! How times have changed.

Prawn sandwich anybody?

Frederic Piquionne Deal Is Madness!

This is a guy who only scored 5 goals in the Prem last season. This is a guy who has netted just 63 career league goals. This is a guy who has ticked past 30 years of age. This is a guy who we have offered a three year contract to!

Haven't the Davids learnt from the signing of McCarthy? Have Sullivan and Gold never heard of a sell by date? Or is that the point? They have to sell Cole before a certain date so they had to bring in a replacement - any replacement!

The owners were supposed to be in France for a dirty midweek break with Karren Brady to sign Remy, the new Thierry Henry. Instead they are bringing home Frederic Piquionne, the new Emile Heskey! This does not bode well! Perhaps somebody should remind Avram that, as well as reaching a Cup Final, Pompey were relegated last season!

Diamanti Sums Up The Zola, Duxbury and Nani Fiasco

So, it looks as if Diamanti is off to Olympiakos - scuttling off to second rate Greek football after just 10 months at West Ham. This was our big white hope, a guy we were so desperate to sign that we went cap in hand to our sponsors for an early advance and parted company with Collins to Villa to fund the deal. And Ginge's departure, along with the failure to sign a proper striker to replace Bellamy, and Zola's incompetence, were the root causes of our relegation struggle last season.

Turds rightly took a lot of flak for his signings, but he compares well with the idiotic recruitment policy of the three monkeys, Duxbury, Zola and Nani. We should have realised when they signed Savio. What a joke! The kid came from Nani's former club and that deal stank. Rumours circulate about 'Arry but I would love to know what Nani's cut was from the Savio fiasco. Then there was Kovac of course. Why? Why would you sign Kovac and have to part company with Collins as a result?

Mind you, the Jimenez deal was even worse! OK we didn't buy him but we paid Inter a fee for taking him off their wage bill for 6 months. I was expressing doubts after his first appearance in a West Ham shirt, in that friendly against Burksandpoor, and things didn't pick up in his brief but oh too long spell at the club. We can't blame Zola for Lopez, but he was stupid enough to pick him against Watford. Di Michele was a reasonable signing for a season, but Tristan was as mobile as a lamp post! Lastpickeva was a joke too and was to blame for our League Cup exit in his one start.

Hopefully Daprela and Nouble will prove shrewd investments but, overall, the transfer record was appalling whilst the three were together.

Who was most to blame? Zola because he was specifying "types" to fit his failing 4-3-3 formation? Nani because he was foisting players on a bewildered Zola? Or Duxbury because he was more concerned with image than substance? Or all three because they were in bed together and right up each others' arses? Either way, it was one cock up after another!

Diamanti really is the last straw, damning evidence of the utter incompetence of the Three Unwise Men who brought us fools gold, Franco's sense and merde.

West Ham Win!

OK it was only Posh, and we all know how easy it is to take Posh up the Arse, but a win is a win. Good to see Carlton scoring and great that Hitlersburger supplied the pass. Boa had a run out, Tomkins and Da Costa played, and a bunch of kids were blooded. In fact two different outfield teams were played in each half! Dyer and Ilunga only managed 30 minutes each but apparently that was "planned". Sears came on and didn't score and the same goes for McCarthy - Little and Large play Peterborough!

As the OS says, that was the first away win since we beat Wolves on the first day of last season! Were you watching Zola?

Most significant absentee? A certain Diamanti. Injured? Sulking? On the move?

More Than Half A Million Visitors

Back on October 28, 2009, I ran a post entitled, "Approaching 50,000. Thanks to all!" Well here we are, less than a year on, and that old fashioned hit counter has now clocked past 500,000! No wonder my detractors don't like its inclusion!

Thanks are due to News Now and to my many contributors, especially the regulars. Last time I listed names, I upset a few by forgetting them; so please excuse a general thanks to all!

I'm not sure how much more we can grow. Half a million hits a year was beyond my wildest dreams when I started out. Here's hoping I can report and comment on some good news next season to nail the lie that I am a Tottenham fan!

Why the picture of Lady Gaga? As a reward for Stani!

The Great Sullivan & Gold Season Ticket Swindle?

I've signed in to News Now today hoping to read that both Barerra and Remy have successfully touched down in the East End but, like the BP oil cap, there seems to be a lot of talk about what may have happened and no actual evidence that it actually has. Rumours suggested that we would announce Remy's signing today, whilst the Barerra deal was supposedly done and dusted apart from the granting (pun intended) of a work permit. But so far today, nothing, nada, rien.

Is this highly cynical, or would it be reasonable to ask how many season tickets have been sold over the last week since these rumours first broke? Chuck in Joe Cole and the Brazilian wonder kid, and Sullivan and Gold would have us believe that we will be watching a team of superstars next season. Roll up, roll up, get your season ticket now!

I just wonder, when the full compliment are sold, will the rumours suddenly stop and will we find we have a squad very similar to the one we had last season, minus Scott Parker?

That couldn't happen, could it?

Is the West Ham job a poisoned chalice for managers?

With Turds still floating around hoping for a job and Zola, despite his brilliance, still out of work, it is beginning to look as if managing West Ham is something of a poisoned chalice. Pardew appeared destined for a great future, until Eggert knifed him, and subsequently has found himself slipping down the divisions. Roeder, of course, has been a disaster where ever he has been employed, and if you go back to Macari and Bonds, their time managing West Ham effectively ended their managerial careers. Even John Lyall struggled when he resurfaced at Ipswich.

Only 'Arry has managed to carve out a successful career after leaving the Boleyn. He is not everybody's cup of tea but you have to wonder where we might be now, had he been left in charge.

In Administration probably!

Can Avram survive the curse or will his stint with us go the way of all the others?

Red Light For Green Move

Poor Robert Green, it seems that his whole career slipped through his fingers, along with our chances in the World Cup, when he made a monumental hash of trying to save that "shot" in the USA game. Wenger immediately thought better of signing him. Let's face it, he already has Almunia and Fabianski so why does he need another butter fingered keeper?

Woy's departure to Liverpool was also bad news for Gween. You would back Woy to wehabilitate Wob in the quiet backwaters of Cwaven Cottage, but he is hardly going to wisk him in the bwight glare of Anfield is he? And anyway, with Popeye Weina at the club, Woy doesn't need another keeper does he?

So where does Rob go from here? Tottenham don't need him. Nor do Everton. Newcastle might see him as an improvement on Harper but are unlikely to waste money when the differential is so minuscule. Maybe Villa? But there has been no whiff of a link.

18 months ago, Green could have had his pick of a host of clubs but a mediocre (or some would say poor) season had put paid to that, even before that catastrophic clanger. Now it looks as if Green is stuck at West Ham and that West Ham are stuck with Green.

Let's hope Avram can rebuild Green's confidence. He is not an international keeper and never has been - as I always maintained. But he was a very competent Premiership keeper with outstanding shot stopping ability. The worry is, how much that error will undermine his confidence generally. Robinson was a nervous wreck for 12 months after his nightmare moment; let's hope Green can quickly put the recent past behind him and recover his form of old.

Evidence Points to New Investment in West Ham

Something odd is going on. Remember when we signed Tevez and Mascherano and everybody scratched their heads and asked "What the fcuk?" Well the signing of Barerra and Remy (if it happens) isn't quite in the same league but, given the backdrop of supposed "Financial Armageddon", there is a distinct whiff of sulphur in the air. How have we moved, in six long months, from knocking on the door of Administration to being able to shell out £16m on two unproven players in the space of a week?

Are we acting as a front for another club as the Pumas chairman appeared to suggest last week? Or are we spending the money we know will be raised by the sale of Cole, Parker and Behrami? Or is there new money being invested in the club?

It is too early to say, but the signs are certainly promising. We seem to be genuinely in the market for players with fairly hefty price tags and, as yet, nobody has been sold. True, Gold has now suggested that Parker may be sold at the right price but that may be because Grant doesn't rate him that highly. If Villa, flush with Man City's cash from the inflated sale of Milner, offer us £15m, then we would be mad not to take it. Parker is now 30, suffers from yellow card fever, scores all too infrequently and is due an extended spell out with injury. There's better value out there.

If we land Remy tomorrow then I will be inclined to give more credence to those rumours about a billionaire investor. Even if this investor doesn't exist, you have to credit Sullivan and Gold for buying before they sell. Maybe they are genuine fans after all!

Heartburn, Indigestion, Trapped Wind? Try Remy!

Well we tried for the old Henry but he preferred to go State Side instead, but not to be put off, we have now bid for the new, still to be improved version instead - hopefully complete with full Va Va Voom!

Remy sounds like the old indigestion tablet to me, but if he gives the opposition the shits and eases the supporters' heartburn, then he has to be worth every cent of the proposed 13 million euros fee! Of course, if we sell Cole for £12m plus, Remy won't actually cost us anything. If the Davids decide to team Remy up with Cole and Barerra, then we will know that they really are intent on turning around our fortunes on the pitch.

Remy appears to be keen to join us all of a sudden, perhaps because he has no other options. The French are a funny bunch of course, as our experiences with Faubert have shown, but if the boy is as good as the reports suggest, then even the Gallic temperament may be worth suffering.

Whisper it quietly, but I am still feeling optimistic about next season!

Well Done Spain But Oh Dear Howard Webb

It wasn't a great final, but it wasn't a bad one either. Of course, Howard Webb did his best to cock it all up. What did his wife say? "He can't control the kids at home so I don't know how he can control the Final". Well he couldn't!

Was the goal dodgy? I don't think so, the Dutch guy tried to run through a gap that didn't exist, he wasn't body checked as the men in orange were trying to claim. Anyway, Robben apart, the Dutch had played like thugs throughout and so got their just desserts.

Webb managed to find his red card eventually, though how Van Bommell stayed on the pitch for the first 45, never mind the whole game, must be a mystery to everybody other than Webb. He should have sent Vidic off in the League Cup Final too so he has form for this. FIFA appointed him knowing that, so they can't complain.

Good to see Fabregas play the killer pass for the goal. £50m for Torres? I reckon Liverpool should take £10m after seeing him pull up lame again. I'm not sure we will ever see the guy at his best again - there are shades of Michael Owen here! Poor Woy must have been shaking his head in disbelief!

The New Facebook of West Ham

Remember the good old days when football clubs were just that, football clubs? Now they are vehicles for marketing and, when Russian billionaires are involved, money laundering and tax evasion, according to some!

Now West Ham has launched its very own Facebook page, another opportunity to platform marketing opportunities, or to sell anything and everything it can to the mug punters. How long before S&G offer a deal to be "West Ham Number One Friend Of The Week"? Pay £100 and you too can be Hammersfanno1!

I have never joined the Facebook world of virtual friends but I have an idea. Perhaps Sullivan and Gold could forget about real fans and build a virtual fan base instead, launching a Football Manager team on the site whilst they are about it. We could buy Tevez back and sign Fabregas, Rooney and Messi whilst we are about it in this virtual world. We wouldn't need a ground of course, so the Boleyn could be redeveloped. Maybe, in addition to the real Boleyn Mansions, S&G could sell virtual apartments whilst they are about it. "You too could live next door to Carlos Tevez!"

This is the only realistic masterplan for achieving Champions League football in five years. Sky would buy the rights to televising the cumputerised matches I'm sure, and the kids of Newham would be able to join the Virtual Academy of Football for a small fee! Meanwhile, every fan would have the satisfaction of proving that they can play the game better than the manager himself!

Champions League football, it's virtually a done deal!