Reading's Kebe to West Ham?

Really? Jack Collison will break his nose every time Kebe bends down in the dressing room to pull up his socks!

I prefer Vaz Te personally.

The return of the Bentley boy from Spurs?

David Bentley anybody? Thought not. But with bloggers desperate for news, the former Arsenal, Norwich, Blackburn, Tottenham and West Ham dud has been linked with a return to the club.

If ever there was a guy who flattered to deceive, Bentley is the man! Even his name has pretensions of grandeur. Most fans of West Ham would agree that we have had enough of Bentley Boys at the club thank you very much!

Mind you, Spurs may decide to keep Bentley as a natural replacement for Bale following his departure to Real Madrid!

Insane business at West Ham?

Has anybody ever heard of Ludovic Sane? It sounds like a made up name to me but according to one tenuous report, we are chasing the defender come holding midfielder come butt of all sorts of punning newspaper headlines.

Sane business or otherwise? Anybody got any idea? How good is he on Championship Manager? I understand from my son that Joe Cole ends up playing for Ipswich reserves next season according to the game and that Martinez replaces Moyes at Everton! Those guys do know the game!

Martinez to Everton? Who cares, it's the badge that counts!

So, unless he backs out as he backed out when offered the Villa job, Martinez is destined to be the next manager of Everton FC. It is, at the very least, an interesting appointment.

I wonder, when was the last time that a manager, who had just overseen relegation, given the chance to take over a top 6 team? You have to wonder what, exactly, the criteria is at Everton.

OK Martinez has done what Moyes couldn't do, he has won a trophy, but season after season, Wigan have dug themselves into a hole in the Prem and have needed a Great Escape to remain in the division. And when they have gone on a winning run, they have proved that they have had the quality to do such much better all along.

So the evidence suggests that Martinez struggles to motivate his players when the chips aren't down. Where, exactly, was the Wigan team that took Everton apart in the FA Cup Quarter Final at Goodison through the Premiership season? And where was the team that matched up to and outplayed Man City in the Cup Final when Wigan had to compete in the Prem?

Martinez is a nice guy and plays the game in the right way, but he doesn't get results. But Everton fans don't care, they are too preoccupied with the badge to worry about who manages their club next season!

Joe Cole in Dreamland!

I've heard it all now! Joe Cole was never really good enough even in his prime, but now he has set himself a target of being in England's squad for Brazil!

First of all, England have to qualify, and that's no forgone conclusion, and then there's the little matter of Cole being too old, too slow and too injury prone.

Remember the good old days when players like Hoddle and Waddle released singles? Perhaps JC could cover that old Supertramp classic...

Dreamer, you're nothing but a dreamer,
Can you put your hands in your head
Oh no!

Watford's Zola admits he deserved the tin tack at West Ham

Good on GianFredo. He had the opportunity to criticise Gold and Sullivan and gloat about our subsequent relegation under Avram Grant, but he resisted, confessing that he lacked the experience necessary and therefore that the decision to remove him was right.

Of course, some West Ham fans will still argue that Zola could have gained that experience whilst still managing the club - and let's face it, he couldn't have done worse than finish bottom in the following season aka Grant.  Meanwhile, Stevie Bibs and Cones has done pretty well in his first season at West Brom, adding fuel to the fire stoked by those opposed to the pair's sacking.

The trouble is, we deserved to go down the season before under Zola and Clarke. Our points total that season was a pathetic 35, just two more than Grant's team achieved, and the lowest points total any team has stayed up with in the Prem. Zola and Clarke inherited a top half of the table team and in two seasons turned that team into a shambles.

And that must be a concern for Watford and West Brom fans. Will the pair suffer second season syndrome next year? Some managers - like Pardew it seems - are great when the wind is in a team's sails, but they are found wanting when conditions turn against them.

Zola thinks he is a better manager because of his sabbatical, but it may well be that the lend lease strategy employed by the Pozzos has simply given him a much better hand than has been dealt to any other manager in the division; in which case, third place may actually be an underachievement.

Should Udinese Calcio win the Play Off final, nobody will judge Zola too harshly if the Calabroni come straight back down, but should Holloway's charges triumph, the lovable Italian will be under huge pressure next year and it will be interesting then to see how he copes.

West Ham must stop signing players from Arsenal!

Dear God, if reports are right on the net, we have been paying 40k per week for Marouane Chamakh  to do next to nothing for the last 5 months. What a monumental waste of dosh!

And it's not as if the guy is an isolated case. Arsenal FC stitch us up almost every time we go shopping in North London!

The most famous example is, of course, Ljungberg who cost us close on ten million in transfer fees, wages and a buy out of his contract, in return for which he played 28 games and scored two goals. Three of those appearances were as a sub and he was withdrawn in no fewer than 11 of his 25 starts. Step forward for a picture Freddie, and say "Cheese"!

Then there was John Radford. He didn't cost a lot, it is true, but as a centre forward, he scored precisely no goals in 30 appearances for the club, making Carlton Cole look prolific!

And talking forwards, we mustn't forget Davor Suker who, to be fair, scored three times more than Radford but who completed even less games than Ljungberg, starting just 8 games and finishing only 4 of them. Clearly Davor was not a fan of the Mastermind Mantra, "I've started so I'll finish!"

Mind you, Suker looks like a veritable workhorse alongside that donkey, Aliadiere, or Ali's Derriere! He didn't finish a single game, nor did he score a single goal, the perfect combination of Radford and Suker it seems. In fact, a mirror of Chamakh! For the record Jeremie started just one game and came on as a sub 7 times.

Stewart Robson was going to be a future England captain when we signed him for a bank busting 700k but Arsenal knew he had a deep seated injury, Four seasons and 84 appearances later, he left for Coventry on a free.

Lansbury was another "future England star" but he also fell well short of expectations with his most memorable performance being in goal! He only made 13 starts in all competitions and was withdrawn in four of those. His goal tally? One.

To be fair, we got one good season out of Ian Wright, Wright, Wright and his 9 goals for the club are more than the combined total of Ljungberg, Chamakh, Aliadiere, Suker and Radford. It was fun having Wrighty around but, although he won't go down in the Arsenal's Anals of the club, he doesn't deserve a place in the annals either!

Which brings us to Nigel Winterburn who was a trier and who, although slowing up badly by the time Arsenal released him, did start 89 times in Claret and Blue and managed to score more than Chamakh, Aliadiere and Radford combined - ONE!

Even when we got a good one, Leon Britton, we let him go without him playing a single game!

Then there was, of course, the exception to the rule and so the man I managed to forget, Hartson. 33 goals from 72 starts, and a 4 million profit when we sold him on to Wimbledon. He made the rest worthwhile, unless you name is Eyal Berkovic!

Rat Arrives And Starts Talking Retirement!

Welcome to Boleyn Mansions Residential Home for the Elderly and Infirm! No sooner has he signed than the Rat is talking of ending his career at West Ham!

Speaking from deep inside a cosy armchair, Rat expressed disappointment about the views from the Green Street ground -it's about as green as Bucharest he moaned - but was enthusiastic about the possibility of trips into Essex, Suffolk and Kent.

Sipping on his hot chocolate and nibbling on a Hob Nob the Romanian smiled broadly when explaining how compatriot Florin Răducioiu had told him of the joys of shopping in Harrods on a Saturday afternoon and also that the club do not expect much in return for huge wages.

With the Rat having already arrived and laid claim to an arm chair close to a radiator, Ambrossini is scheduled to be next through the door, just as soon as the club have purchased him a top of the range mobility scooter.

Is Carroll's injury a clever ploy to put off rival bids?

It's all very convenient isn't it? With Newcastle rumoured to be interested in reclaiming their former centre forward and suggestions that his performance against Reading might force up his price, Carroll has suddenly been struck down with an injury that will supposedly keep him out for four months. Who will buy him on that basis? How convenient.

But if the rumours are true, we should be very careful. Carroll is injury prone and, remembering Ashton, we really don't want to splash out big money on a striker carrying an unresolved injury. If we strike a deal with Liverpool, it should be on the basis of only paying when Carroll is fit.

Sad Exit For Carlton Cole

OK, he wasn't Carlos Tevez nor Paolo Di Canio, but Carlton Cole always gave 100% for West Ham. At one stage he was linked with an unlikely £12m move to Inter Milan and, of course, he was called up for England - and not many West Ham players have worn the three lions in recent years.

A forward who can't score isn't ideal, but Carlton led the line with courage, commitment and skill. All too often he was left isolated, but he did his best to keep three defenders occupied single handedly, running the channels, dropping deep and chasing down every single over hit lost cause.

Only rarely did he complain and when we were relegated, he took a 50% pay cut and shunned the opportunity to prolong his Premiership career by moving to Stoke City.

His exclusion from the party against Reading was both sad and shameful. Carlton deserved better and should not have been ushered out of the door without the opportunity of a proper farewell. He has worn the Claret and Blue in more than 240 games and scored 59 goals.

His high point was probably the play off final goal against Blackpool, which people forget was just as important as Vaz Te's.  But his match winning performance against Chelsea this season will live long in the memory, as will his cracking goals against Wigan and Newcastle under Zola. And, of course there was that Cup thumping of Man Utd when he and Spector shared our four goals between them.

Cole has played under Pardew, Curbishley, Zola, Grant and Allardyce. None of them really fancied him - though Zola loved him - but Carlton outstayed them all except Doctor Evil.

He will be missed, especially by barn doors on Green Street who saw him as their benefactor! Along with them, I would like to thank Carlton for the memories.

UKIP's Nigel Farage to protest after West Ham sign Romanian Rat?

It's bad enough that 21.3m Romanians and 7.476m Bulgarians are planning to flood into Britain to claim benefits in January of next year, without the nations' bloody rodents joining them. Nigel Farage, leader of UKIP and the bookmaker's favourite to be Primeminister in two year's time will, no doubt, be outraged by the arrival of a Romanian Rat at West Ham.

A source close to Farage raged: "This is a disgrace and proves what we have been saying all along. Our research shows that every man, woman and child in Romania and Bulgaria have already booked their flights on Wizz, Tarom & Blue Air and will be signing on in a Benefit Office near you by the end of January 2014; and we all know that rats abandon sinking ships."

He continued: "Tell me, what are the disease carrying rodents going to live on when all the humans have left? It doesn't take a genius to work out that they will be following their meal tickets to the UK and living off our benefit system too does it?"

"This Romanian Rat is the tip of an iceberg. And it's no good the Tories promising a referendum on Europe in two year's time because all these immigrants will be entitled to the vote, and when they are over here, they are not going to vote against their own meal ticket are they?"

He concluded: "What is poor George McCartney going to do now? He is a model professional and an international footballer. Why are we allowing this Romanian Rat to come over here and take George's job? It's an outrage!"

Creamed Rice Beyond Sell By Date To Sign For West Ham?

Will we never learn? How many clapped out has beens looking for a soft landing into retirement have we signed? This season alone, we have taken on Diarra and Joe Cole. Now, we are being linked with Ambrosia Creamed Rice, a very good player in his day, but a player who has never been tempted to the Premier League...until now.

So why the sudden enthusiasm for a stint in England? Well no other team is going to meet his wage demands!

Meanwhile, the Romanian invasion is about to begin, just as UKIP predicted, with the arrival of Roland Rat.

Nolan brings back memories of September 2005!

I may be wrong, but I think you have to go back to September 2005 for the last time a player in a West Ham shirt scored a hat-trick.

The opposition were Villa, and the hero that day was none other than Marlon Harewood. We won that one 4-0 and before we get carried away by tenth place with 46 points under Allardyce, it might be sensible to remember that we ended 2005-06 by taking Liverpool to penalties in the best Cup Final ever and finished ninth in the table on 55 points.

And we all know what happened the following season, don't we?

West Ham 4 Reading 2 - What a difference a year makes!

Twelve months ago, Reading stormed into Upton Park and took us apart. We were shocking, they were brilliant, and we were consigned to the play offs - a miracle combination of results apart - as Reading chased down the title.

Twelve months on, and Reading arrived with Adkins in charge instead of McDermott and already down. But for 15 minutes at the start of the game they looked the better side, and for the first 20 minutes of the second half, it was like a replay of last season. 2-0 became 2-2 in the blink of an eye and until Noble released Nolan with a brilliant pass, setting up an equally brilliant finish, there was only going to be one winner - and it wasn't West Ham!

But with the arrival of Collison in place of Cole, order returned. The Noble pass for Nolan was, as I said, brilliant and Nolan's control and finish were sublime. Then Maiga came alive! For the first time since October he crossed the ball onto the head of a West Ham player, and Captain Kev did the rest. 4-2. Job done. Game over. Tenth place secured. And poor McCarthy's reputation was in tatters despite a brilliant save from Nolan in the first half. Today showed why you don't want a kid in goal!

The victory was pleasing but flagged up all sorts of concerns for next season. If Carroll doesn't stay, we have problems. Defensively, we struggled when Le Fondre arrived, begging the questions why the hell he doesn't start games for Reading and how the hell we will cope against quality strikers next season. Vaz Te was in and out, but mostly out. Cole looked old and on the wane. Jarvis didn't start. Jussi is getting very old.

There's lots of work to be done!

Player Ratings: Jussi 6; Demel 6, Collins 6, Reid 6, O'Brien 5; Noble 6, Diame 6; Vaz Te 6, Nolan 8, Cole 5; Carroll 8 Subs: Collison 6, Maiga 6, Taylor (Came on!)

Half TimeWest Ham 2 Reading 0 - Carroll the Giant dominates Reading's Lilliputians

Well, considering our dire record against Reading, that first 45 was pretty damned impressive. Yes Reading might have scored in our typically dodgy opening 15 minutes, but for the last 20 minutes, we have utterly dominated and it could be 4-0.

McCarthy has pulled off a brilliant save from Nolan, after a superb header back from Carroll, but was dreadfully at fault for our first. Credit to Carroll for charging down the keeper's attempted clearance and to Nolan for his calm finish, but Reading are like suicide bombers every time they have the ball in and around their own penalty box. The Met will shoot them if they try to get on the Underground after the game!

Vaz Te's goal was finished well, and followed more excellent work from Carroll who controlled a deep cross from Diame and set up RVT superbly.

Vaz Te has also hit the post, Diame has forced a save from McCarthy and Cole has sliced two chances wide. We're looking good for 10th at the moment!

On loan star in shock exit from West Ham

Oh my God. Fans the length and breadth of Green Street and the Barking Road were shaking their heads in bewilderment and dismay today after manager Sam Allardyce revealed that top transfer target Emanuel Pogatetz will not be at the club next season.

After a string of startling performances in a West Ham shirt, Pogatetz will unquestionably be missed. Indeed, some fans were planning a campaign to get the number 6 shirt reinstated in recognition of the brilliance of the most influential Austrian since Hitler.

Quite how Allardyce proposes filling the void left by Pogatetz remains to be seen. However, my 83 year old Mum would perhaps be the closest to a like for like replacement!

England call up proves Carroll can achieve his ambitions at West Ham but...

In one sense, Carroll's call up by Woy is good news because it proves that he can achieve his ambitions at West Ham.

However, the timing is unfortunate. If he is picked, and plays a starring role, other clubs may suddenly look to sign him and his price may be jacked up to a level that we cannot afford.

Meanwhile, Carroll may think he is worth every penny of his 100k per week wages and refuse to negotiate a more realistic contract.

Will he be with us next season? We need to sort it out quickly because we don't want to go into August with only Maiga and Carlton as options!

Leeds set for Bournemouth, Wigan, QPR, Reading, Doncaster and Brentford or Yeovil

No wonder GFH Capital did a deal on season tickets given the profile of the Championship next season. Apart from Leeds themselves and Leicester, Nottingham Forest, Birmingham, Derby, Huddersfield and Sheffield Wednesday, the division has suddenly taken on a distinctly mediocre look.

Home fixtures against the likes of Bournemouth, Wigan and Brentford or Yeovil are not going to set the pulses racing are they? It is true that Doncaster offer the prospect of another derby game, but Hull City are a more mouth watering prospect than little Donny aren't they? And as for Brentford or Yeovil, well Leeds might as well be back in the old Third Division for the glam factor in those fixtures.

The big London clubs are all in the Prem, meaning that a trip to the nation's capital will only involve games against relative minnows QPR, Millwall, Charlton and either Palace or Watford. And even amongst the "big 7", outside of Yorkshire, Huddersfield and Sheffield Wednesday would not trigger much excitement for rival fans.

Still, Leeds fans can look forward to a few days at the seaside - with games at Bournemouth, Blackpool, Wigan and Brighton. And if Yeovil win their play off final, it would be a relatively short pilgrimage down to Cornwall to pay homage to the Warnock sitting beneath his Bohdi tree.

Of course, fans of Ipswich, Middlesbrough, Blackburn and Bolton will object that they belong in the same bracket as Leeds, Leicester and Nottingham Forest, but outside of their fan bases, everybody knows that's not so.

The marketing men have a big job in selling the Championship next season because, apart from the parochial conflicts centered on Yorkshire and the Midlands, it all looks very much like a low budget cast.

Apologies, accidentally posted on wrong site.

Could Scotty Parker really be on his way to QPR from Spurs?

How the mighty have fallen. Butterfingers Green thought he was too good for West Ham, or worth more than we were prepared to pay him, and his Premiership career has predictably slipped through his fingers.

Mark Hughes quickly understood Green's limitations, and brought in Cesar, but despite limited appearances, the signing of Green was still a key factor in QPR's relegation. The Hopeless Hoops never recovered from the opening day thrashing - with Green at fault for at least two of the goals - and England's 666 still had time to concede one of the most laughable goals scored in the Prem all season, with Calamity Green flapping pathetically a the ball from behind his own goal line. Green was a key factor in our relegation and he carried his "form" over to QPR. That's three clubs that Rob has been relegated with now - and that's not coincidence!

Now, it seems, Scotty Parker may be about to join him in the Championship. Thank God Allardyce is a strong manager, otherwise the Davids might have courted popularity by bringing the "West Ham Legend" back to the club - but Allardyce will have none of that. He quickly understood that Parker had no appetite for the Championship and that he was hell bent on joining his beloved Spurs. And he appreciated the guy's limitations too! Well Parker got what he wanted and, now, Karma may be about to kick him in the bollocks too!

Mind you, it is hard to understand how QPR can afford him, given the Financial Fair Play rules. And it is equally hard to understand what Redknapp thinks Parker will bring to the table. As our wardrobe, Diop, showed, you don't need a great holding midfielder in the Championship, just somebody who stands watch in front of the centre backs. Parker, as we well know, offers nothing offensively - how many goals and assists for Spurs? - and so would be an expensive option for the "stopper" role in midfield.

But he's a mate of 'Arry's isn't he?

Has Upson retired yet? Perhaps Redknapp could sign him too! What about Spector for left back? And bring Faubert back from France! Come on 'Arry, give us all a laugh at QPR's expense. The gRRRRs have already savoured Ben Haim, Ferdinand, Dyer and Zamora, in addition to Green, so go the whole hog and assemble an entire team from West Ham rejects!

West Ham should target West Brom's Odemwingie

QPR's loss could be our gain. The guy is not getting any younger but he knows where the goal is, and his pace would really add something to the team.

West Brom fans won't ever accept him back and Bibs and Cones Stevie has all but conceded that he will leave. There's a bargain basement deal to be done here if we move quickly!