Trading Places

So, is Teddy trying to swap his gong? CBE for an MBE? CBE for an MBE?

Those cameras must be bloody good mustn't they if they can't tell Sherringham and Newton apart? How tall is Teddy? 6'1 / 6'2? How short is Newton, 5'6 / 5'7? Then there's the little matter than Teddy is white and Newton is black (except the end of his nose which has been known to be white in the past, allegedly!) Perhaps that's where Bobby Zamora comes in. Perhaps it's like in The Fly. Teddy gets in the car white, drives so fast his molecules rearrange into Zammo, then, as he slows down, he comes out the other side fully cooked as Newton.

What comedian came up with that Honours List I wonder? Was it Bernard Manning's passing shot before heading for the great stand up stage in the sky? Did I tell you the one about the two lesbian angels...or the big fat comedian who climbed the Stairway to Heaven only to discover that the doorman at the Pearly Gates is Jewish!

If Bob Monkhouse was dead, he'd be turning in his grave; for the time being, he's...dead. Isn't he?