Hold the Front Page!

Hold the front page! Incredible news coming in from West Ham on transfer deadline day. We can exclusively reveal West Ham have signed....
Adriano?
Er no.
Joe Cole?
Not quite.
Anelka?
Just signed a contract extension so who knows, he might come in January.
Shorey then?
Nearly.
Then Barnes of Derby?
Too expensive I'm afraid.
Then who?
Heard of Camara?
Yes, he's not good enough for the Wigan team is he?
That's right! So Turds has managed to capture him on loan.
But he's not good enough for Wigan!
Exactly! Stroke of genius from Turds, he's found somebody nobody else wanted! Clever eh? And that's not all, we've signed a top international midfielder!
Really? Somebody from Italy?
Not quite.
From Brazil?
Close.
Argentina then?
Warm.
Columbia? Mexico?
Peru.
It's not Paddington is it?
Very funny!
But what about all the money we're supposed to have?
It's being used to build a new treatment room!