Clease Instead of Deaner on QPR bench for game with Liverpool tonight.

After his heroic intervention to save the life of Fabrice Muamba at White Hart Lane, running on to the pitch to lead the treatment of the Bolton star, Doctor Andrew Deaner was offered a place on the QPR bench tonight but politely declined, explaining, "If QPR lose tonight even I wouldn't be able to restart their Premiership heart."

John Cleese will feature instead ready to pronounce, "This premiership club is no more! It has ceased to be! Its expired and gone to meet its maker! Its a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If Warnock hadn't nailed it to the perch it would  be pushing up the daisies! Its metabolic processes are now 'istory! It's off the twig! It's kicked the bucket, its shuffled off its mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PREMIERSHIP CLUB!!!"

But the parrot squawks! The parrot flaps it's wings! The parrot is alive! The parrot demands, "Who nailed my feet to this bastard perch? Warnock? Warnock? Who the fcuk is Warnock?" What a thirteen minutes of football - the best since Bowles in the Bush!