With news that Ricardo Gardner may be about to join the Bolton émigrés at Upton Park, 88 year old tea lady Doris Garnett was found in floods of tears yesterday morning after discovering that Allardyce is thinking of bringing in Nora Bates from Bolton as her replacement.
Husband Reg, 93, a life long West Ham fan, told reporters: "Doris was inconsolable went she got home yesterday afternoon. She arrived at work to find a strange woman with a strange urn next to her kettle and teapot. The manager, Mr Allardyce, told her that there was to be some sort of "Tea off" where he was going to assess how many cups of tea each could brew and pour in a fifteen minute period."
Reg continued: "Doris was distraught. Tea is a labour of love for her, it isn't about how many cups you can pour to the minute. Doris has made tea at West Ham for them all. Bobby Moore, Martin Peters, Geoff Hurst, Trevor Brooking, Billy Bonds. You name them, they've drunk Doris's tea."
He added: "There was a bit of bother when the foreign players started to arrive demanding coffee but Doris soon stopped all that nonsense, telling them it was tea or nothing. Even Di Canio gave in eventually but only after spitting his first cup into Doris's face. The manager, Mr Redknapp, made him apologise and slipped Doris a tax free bonus to compensate."
It hasn't all been a bed of roses as Reg explained: "There was that time when Mr Pardew took a bit of a shine to her and that fair turned Doris's head for a few days, but every woman has her little fling, and she got over it quickly enough."
Manager Allardyce denied that any final decision had been made but explained: "The tea making game has moved on. Where exactly has the Doris Way ever got the club? Relegation. My statistics show that using an urn and pouring tea directly into each cup up to the brim is much more effective than this nonsense of pouring in a bit, moving to the next cup, pouring in a bit, then moving to the next cup, pouring in a bit, then back to the first cup and pouring in a bit more."
A source close to Allardyce said: "West Ham fans might not like the idea but times change. Bobby Moore died twenty years ago. This is Sam's club now, not his."
10 comments:
Excellent mate, brightened up my morning.
I suspect Big Fat Sams vision is for West Ham to move onto the Olympic Tea Urn in a couple of years.....
What a waste of time
Follow Hugh Southon on Twitter it's well funny. If you question anything he says he blocks you. I dared to express my dislike for Harry Redknapp's comments about West Ham's treatment of Bobby Moore and he just went into a rage and blocked me. Even if there's some truth to it, I still don't want that snake running us down at every opportunity. There's better tributes by people that love Bobby Moore and club. Bagpuss just wants a bit more exposure.No wonder Sir Trev can't stand the man. You'd be blocked by Hugh Southon the fascist wanker in about 5 minutes HF :-)Go on Irons give it a go
Amusing little piece HF. Good analogy using the tea-trolley to reflect old and new. I don't think Gervais and Merchant need worry, but for your next little anecdote how about the scene in the cafe where Malcolm Allison et al used salt and pepper pots to bring forth innovative tactics. I expect BFS to have a big bottle of brown sauce somewhere in the back 4.
By all accounts, Doris pours her tea in very small increments. One cup at a time. Quality, not volume. Nora, on the other hand, sprays the tea from across the room. Only a small percentage of the tea actually finds its target, the rest just splattering aimlessly. But Sam must feel that style of tea pouring is a better fit for the club at this time.
Ha ha - very funny. Keep it up, especially as it annoys all those who blindly follow the claret-and-blue to the exclusion of 'reality'. Up the Irons !!
What a shower of sad tossers you lot are. You actually think that tripe above is funny? I always wondered how arseholes like lenny henry and phil jupitus have careers and it's because cretins with no sense of humour support them. I bet you all piss yourself laughing at les dennis shows too. Wankers.
Les Dennis ? Lenny Henry ? Phil Jupitus - no thanks, not very funny. PG Wodehouse - very funny though.
Mick McCarthy - very funny too. Funnier than Sam Allardyce.
Funniest of all are people who use words like 'wankers' on internet.
Ho ho ho. HF should do more of these 'funny' pieces - that's the first one I've seen on here. Makes a change from baiting simpleton northerners etc.....
22.29,what a surprise you like P. G Wodehouse the nazi sympathiser. WANKER.
Nazi sympathiser - not that load of old tosh again. Wodehouse was hardly the world's most astute political brain - quite a bit like Di Canio in that respect. However, unlike PDC, he was a very funny writer, but types like you probably read the 'Sun' for 'news'.
Still at least PGW never made gas chamber noises to Spurs fans.
As for you calling me a wanker you are sadly very wrong. And unlike you I still live in Forest Gate and still support WHU, as I have done since 1958, you juvenile berkley hunt. That's the problem with the Irons - the lumpen set of fans they attract - you know, all the ones who 'moved out' to essex and talk endlessley about the 'West ham way'. That lot are no better than the chavs of Milwall and don't have a clue about the game anyway.....
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