Outclassed and into the bottom two! Blame Allardyce!

I haven't had a chance to listen to Allardyce's whinges yet, having just got back from the game, but it's a pretty safe bet that he is bemoaning missed chances, injuries and silly mistakes.

What he will almost certainly not say is:

"We are second from bottom and rightly so. Our football has been shit for most of the season and there's no point in me moaning about missed chances because I have constructed a squad of players who, historically,  have a dreadful goals per games played scoring record."

"Arsenal outclassed us for 86 minutes today and although we took the lead, there was only ever going to be one winner in that game. True, they took longer to score than we had any right to expect but once they got one goal, they were always going to get three or four."

"What can you expect when you offer next to no threat going forward and when you end up with Tomkins and McCarthorse as a centre back pairing? But don't blame them, in fact don't blame anybody except me. I was given £20m to spend this summer and I spent it on Carroll - even though he was injured - and Downing - even though we had an abundance of midfielders and a shortage of strikers and defenders."

"Look at today, even with Downing and Morrison out, I still had Taylor, Diarra and Collison on the bench despite having five midfielders out on the pitch. But what cover did I have for the striker and defender positions? I signed Rat in the summer but prefer McCarthorse at left back, even though the Romanian featured in a Shaktar team that beat Arsenal not so long ago."

"Yes we missed chances but Carlton has only ever scored two goals in the same game a handful of times in his whole career, so once he had netted, there was next to no chance of him getting another. I know my statistics after all! It was a delicious ball in from Rat, but to expect Carlton to deflect it into the net, you would need to be optimistic to the point of being foolhardy."

"And when Noble played that brilliant pass to Jarvis, we all knew Matty would miss. Again, just look at his goal scoring record and the stats tell you that, after scoring so recently against Spurs, it will be a couple of months at least before he bags another."

"Then there was the Joey O'Brien chance. But why was he in the penalty box anyway? He should have scored but if he can get into the box, why can't Nolan and Diame? Shame about that missed chance by Nolan from Noble's free kick too. He scores every time in training but he's missed three times in game time now."

"At the back we were valiant, but we were marking fast moving shadows. And as for the Arsenal equalising goal, well what can you say about that? Apart from, what cnut picked Adrian ahead of Jussi?"

"So, hands up, I am to blame, totally, utterly and completely, 100% to blame. I spent £20m unwisely in the summer and I have an imbalanced squad in consequence. And I'll tell you something else, we are worse off points wise than we were under Grant at this stage of the season. Now that is bloody worrying."

"One last thing, I want to apologise to the fans for the crap football we are playing. Don't get on the players' backs guys, I'm the cnut who signed them!"

Player ratings: Adrian 1; O'Brien 5, Tomkins 5, Collins 5, McCarthorse 6; Noble 7, Diame 5, Nolan 4, Joe Cole 4, Jarvis 1; Carlton Cole 7 Subs: Demel 5, Rat 6, Taylor 4