Sullivan excited by Nigerian deal

A transcript has emerged of the telephone call which alerted West Ham to the availability of ex Sunderland striker Asamoah Guyan, courtesy of a company working for Tottenham Hotspur:

Voice down phone: Hello? Hello?
Sullivan: David Sullivan here, owner and chairman of West Ham United Football Club and Merchant of  High Quality Porn.
Voice down phone: Hello? Is that Mr David Sullivan?
Sullivan: Sullivan here.
Voice down phone: Mister Sullivan I am honoured to be speaking to you. This is Mr Samuel Obogo and I am calling you in relation to a fantastic opportunity. You see, I have this fantastic striker who is worth thirteen million pounds but at the moment he is stranded in the United Arab Emirates and regulations mean that it is impossible to get him out of the country without your help. All you need to do is transfer the sum of three million pounds to a bank account in Nigeria and, in return, I will arrange for this fantastic striker, worth thirteen million pounds, to be transferred across to the United Kingdom within five days of your money clearing through the account. This is an unbelievable opportunity and a fantastic deal because you pay only three million for a striker worth thirteen million, but you have to transfer the money within the next 48 hours otherwise government regulations will prevent the deal from going ahead...

Expect Asamoah Gyan to arrive in the first week of January and disappear before the end of the bloody month!

A transcript of the phone-call leading to the capture of Andy Carroll has also emerged:

Voice down phone: Eeeee is that David Sullivan?
Sullivan: Sullivan here.
Voice down phone: Eeeee Sullivan, Liverpool FC here. You are honoured to be speaking to us.  I am calling you in relation to a fantastic opportunity. Eeeeee....we have this fantastic striker who is worth three million pounds when fit but at the moment he is stranded in our reserves and his ludicrous wages mean that it is impossible to get him out of the club without your help. All you need to do is transfer the sum of fifteen million pounds to a bank account in Liverpool and, in return, we will arrange for this fantastic striker, worth three million pounds, to be transferred across to West Ham United within one day of your money clearing through the account. This is an unbelievable opportunity and a fantastic deal because you pay only fifteen million for a striker worth three million, but you have to transfer the money within the next 4 hours otherwise Newcastle may sign him instead which means there is no time for a medical. Eeeeee but you can trust us wack, we're not a bunch of Nigerians.