West Ham to sign Andy Murray!

West Ham have just announced the signing of tennis ace Andy Murray. Manager Alan Curbishley explained, "As his performance in the Olympics showed, Murray is a mercenary b8stard who doesn't give a toss about the team if there isn't a big pay cheque for winning. Doesn't that sound like all my other signings? Andy is also injured on a regular basis and regularly flatters to deceive. He will fit in with the present squad perfectly! All I have to do now is to iron the attacking shots out of his game to make him the perfect Curbishley player!" Tottenham, meanwhile, have signed Nadal!

Useless Tosser

So, award for the most pointless thing in the world? Top suggestions: a wife for Prince Edward; a left shoe for Heather Mills McCartney; a mirror for Ian Dowie; a trampoline for Stephen Hawking.

But none of those come close to a British tennis player who can't get fit for Wimbledon! It's only two weeks in the year for pity's sake - or one week if we stay true to form! What is it that's keeping Never Hurry A Murray out? A wrist injury! Perhaps he should stop tossing his caber!