Inquest Fixing Scandal

Rumours abound of a Pakistani betting ring collecting millions in winnings following the shock announcement that Bob Woolmer died from natural causes. With strangulation at odds on and poisoning at evens, natural causes was the 8-1 outsider of three. A shell shocked bookie said, "There have been some very suspicious betting patterns, not least from members of the local police force. We are calling for an urgent inquiry and are suspending settlement of all bets pending a ruling."

At least Woolmer can now be cremated. It is understood his ashes will be kept in an urn and that Pakistan will play Ireland every four years for the new trophy. A spokeman said, "The games might not be as big as the England Australia matches but, given the size of Bob's belly, the urn will be a bloody sight bigger!"

Mini Me Sammy Lee

Doesn't your heart go out to Sammy Lee? Talk about a poison chalice! What price Bolton for relegation next season? Big Sam was always going to be a pig of an act to follow but to replace Big Sam with Little Sam - it's worse than swapping Blair for Brown! So many factors conspired to keep West Ham up this season but chief amongst them was the departure of Allardyce in the week before our game with Bolton. Does anybody really believe we would have been three goals to the good by half time if the big man was at the helm? Poor Sammy, he was so chuffed to be in a suit with the gaffer's earpiece, he quite forgot that there was a match to be won. My prediction: Sammy will be out of work before the end of November and Bolton will be bound for the Championship by early May. The form was bad enough under the Big Man, what hope under his Mini Me side kick? What odds are the bookies offering?