A West Ham fan enters Upton Park.
Mr. Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(David Sullivan does not respond.)
Mr. Praline: 'Ello, Miss?
Sullivan: What do you mean "miss"? I'm not Carlton Cole!
Mr. Praline: {pause} I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Sullivan: We're closin' for lunch.
Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this pillock what the club appointed Manager not more than 18 months before.
Sullivan: Oh yes, the, uh, the Former Chelsea Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead useless, that's what's wrong with it!
Sullivan: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's learning.
Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead useless pillock when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Sullivan: No no he's not dead useless, he's, he's learning! Remarkable manager, the Former Chelsea Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful ideas!
Mr. Praline: The ideas don't enter into it. It's tactically stone dead.
Sullivan: Nononono, no, no! 'E's learning!
Mr. Praline: All right then, if he's learning', I'll teach 'im! (shouting at Zola) 'Ello, Mister Gianfranco Zola! I've got a lovely right footed right winger for you if you'd care to play him on the right wing!...
(Sullivan smacks Zola about the head)
Sullivan: There, he took that in!
Mr. Praline: No, he didn't, that was you hitting him round the head!
Sullivan: I never!!
Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!
Sullivan: I never, never did anything...
Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting Zola repeatedly) 'ELLO ZOLA!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your eight games left alarm call!
(Lifts Zola up and thumps his head on the reception desk. Throws Zola up in the air and watches him plummet to the floor.)
Mr. Praline: Now that's what I call a dead useless pillock.
Sullivan: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned after the Wolves game!
Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?
Sullivan: Yeah! Wolves stunned him, just as he was wakin' up to what was needed! Former Chelsea Blues stun easily, major.
Mr. Praline: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That pillock is definitely a deceased manager, and when the club appointed it not more than 18 months before, we was assured that its total lack of tactical know how was due to it bein' new and inexperienced.
Sullivan: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for Sardinia.
Mr. Praline: PININ' for Sardinia!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment this season kicked off?
Sullivan: The Ex Chelsea Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable manager, id'nit, squire? Lovely ideas!
Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that pillock when I was at the Wolves game, and I discovered the only reason that it had been standing on the touchline in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)
Sullivan: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If the club hadn't nailed that manager down, it would have nuzzled up to those doors, bent 'em apart with its nose, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Mr. Praline: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this pillock wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' tactically demised!
Sullivan: No no! 'E's pining!
Mr. Praline: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This pillock is no more! He has ceased to be a manager! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the touchline 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-MANAGER!!
(pause)
Sullivan: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of replacement managers.
Mr. Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Sullivan: {pause} I've got a vibrator.
(pause)
Mr. Praline: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it talk tactics?
Sullivan: Nnnnot really.
Mr. Praline: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Sullivan: Look, if you go to my former club in Birmingham, they'll replace the pillock for you.
Mr. Praline: Birmingham, eh? Very well.
Sullivan: (to the audience) Well! I never wanted to do this in the first place. I wanted to be... A LUMBERJACK! (he takes off his white coat to reveal a checkered shirt and suspenders under it) Floating down the mighty rivers of the Fizzy Pop! With my Karren Brady by my side!
Look at the likes of BBurn and Sunderland pulling themselves properly away from the mire....
ReplyDeleteAnd we have to play Sunderland! The shit gets deeper by the day!
ReplyDeleteAnyone else signed up to the club emails? Just got one with a message from Sullivan. Here it is:
ReplyDeleteI am writing this on Wednesday morning. I had no sleep last night, having watched the shambolic performance by the team against Wolves.
I was as angry and upset as every supporter in the stadium at the disorganised way we played, allowing Wolves too much space so that they looked more like Manchester United. This was the culmination of five defeats in a row, including an appalling performance against Bolton.
We have a few very talented players in our team, but it is a very unbalanced squad. Individually we have some very good players, but this is not being converted into a good team performance. Nobody at the club should delude themselves that we are a good team. The table at this stage of the season does not lie.
However, with some of the outstanding players we have, we can and must do better as a team. I apologise to every supporter for the pathetic showing on Tuesday night but I fully expect a dramatic improvement today as we have so much individual talent.
I accept that the club is in deep relegation trouble. However, we are a long way from being relegated. With your help we can get out of this and regroup in the summer.
This is a difficult time. It has been a week to regret but Saturday’s result can change that. We need a win, we need you to support us, to forgive us the result against Wolves and to remember what this great club is about.
The history and tradition of West Ham United, the heritage and the prestige demands we are a Barclays Premier League club. But we have no right to that. We have to earn it. The Academy of Football? Now we have to show that. The manager knows, I know, the players know.
When I first started supporting West Ham, we had a tradition for playing the game ‘the right way’. I will settle for any way right now, as long as it is the winning way!
We all have our favourite players, our heroes. Older fans can remember players like Bobby Moore, Sir Geoff Hurst, Martin Peters – the cornerstone of England’s 1966 World Cup win. I know rival teams mock us West Ham fans for saying that, but one was the captain, another scored a hat-trick, the other scored the fourth. That sounds like a claret and blue contribution to me.
Younger supporters will probably look to strikers such as Frank McAvennie and Tony Cottee as well as Paolo Di Canio. They all brought something special to the club.
Then there was Sir Trevor Brooking, Billy Bonds, Alan Taylor, Bryan ‘Pop’ Robson, Phil Parkes, Alvin Martin and Ray Stewart. We didn’t win much but there was always a quality and a style. Another hero to watch: a midfield playmaker, a little wizard on the wing, a goalscorer.
Now we need this team to show their quality.
Now we need this team to show us their talent, their desire, their passion, their dare.
Now we need new heroes.
Saturday may be tense, on Saturday you will feel anxious and, at times, unsettled. I ask that we try not to transmit that on to the field, that we get behind the team and provide them with a platform. The rest is up to them.
Click here to buy tickets for Stoke [HE COULDN'T RESIST! :)]
It’s hard being an owner. I’m finding it’s harder being an owner who is a supporter. I hope for happier times soon.
Thank you for sharing the same vision and dreams.
Come on West Ham.
David Sullivan
Joint Chairman
i just dont know wat to expect on saturday. i am so low at the moment. probably the lowest ive ever been after that embarrassment on tuesday. and very very nervous about the stoke game. i just pray we can win and hull and burnley both lose. come on west ham put me out of my misery and win this game saturday. please please please just win.
ReplyDelete...you reckon we can rely on Ricardo Fuller to slap one of his own players and get sent off?
ReplyDeleteUnless we get someone in to organise and galvanize the team it will be too late to do anything about it. I was almost sure that Zola would go and a new manager will propel the team to a win against Stoke at home. Big mistake to give Zola one more chance. It will be too late if we don't use this card now when we have winnable game in front of us. What would be the use to sack Zola before the game to Liverpool and Everton away? Gigantic mistake not to replace Zola before the Stike game.
ReplyDeletei think Ricardo fuller needs to slap a few of the west ham players to wake them up a bit.
ReplyDelete...that would work too! :)
ReplyDeleteThe irony is that Fuller was the one stopping the fight between Corluka and Assouekotto the other day! Bloodfire!
You've done it before it's even more boring now
ReplyDelete