West Ham Holding on to Damaged Goods!

It's all beginning to make perfect sense! We all wondered why Hitzlspurger agreed to join us and now, it transpires, he failed a bloody medical! Brilliant. So when Sullivan and Gold bemoan their luck regarding Hitz's injury, they're talking about the bad luck a gambler has in a casino when he puts all his money on the number 7 and the ball falls in one of the other slots! Bad luck? Bollocks, they were just trying to do it all on the cheap.

So, we signed Ba after he failed a medical and, as a result, we may be able to hold on to him next season, and the same applies to the German. Critics of Grant argue that he was backed by the Board. Oh yes? For the big kick off they signed a Panzer Tank with a knackered caterpillar track, a Taco Bell employee of the month masquerading as a Mexican international, a lumbering Israeli to translate for Grant in the dressing room, a New Zealand footballer plying his trade in the Danish league, Blackburn's reserve right back (who actually wasn't signed in time for the season's start), Piquionne who was relegated with Portsmouth the season before and Obinna, another bit of Inter jetsam with the same shit hallmark as Jimenez.

Talk about "Never mind the quality, feel the width"! Clearly when Sullivan and Gold go into the "transfer market", they pop along to Queens Market and look out for a dodgy geezer with a suitcase!

"Psst. I've got a Maori with 'Danish' tattooed on his arse. Very little up front, stage payments if he plays, and you can tell the fans you've bought a World Cup star! And talking of which, I have this little Mexican chappie. Absolute spit of the real player. Speaks no English except 'Have a nice day' which he learnt working for Taco Bell. Nothing up front, stage payments based on games. If you can ever sell him, all the money goes back to Taco Bell. And look, a great big Jew. Real kosher stuff, born in the Promised Land no less, just like Jesus. Nothing up front, just pay his wages. Oh and look, here's a guy with a silly name and a silly haircut. On the books of Inter no less. Top notch crap this one. Nothing up front, just pay his wages and who knows, at the end of the season when he leaves Inter on a free, you might decide to sign him. Now, what else is in my suitcase? You'll like this one. Big and black just like your top selling dildo. Price tag of a million but Premiership experience."

"You want a what? A right back? Difficult one. Leave that with me, I'll see what I can pick up when I go Up North in a couple of weeks. OK if he is slow, short and useless? I can pick one up on the cheap like that. Nice doing business with you governor, but I have to rush, here comes the market inspector!"