Tottenham, West Ham & QPR to set up free schools

With the government encouraging football clubs to set up free schools - addressing disaffection by linking learning with football idols - a number of London clubs are planning to join the education revolution.

Tottenham's plans are most advanced with a curriculum already agreed in principle and key workers allocated to teaching roles. Manager 'Arry Redknapp will teach "Reeding and Riting", "Effics", "Law" and "Acuntancy", Jermaine Defoe has been given the RE brief, with special focus on the role of Judas, and Gareth Bale, of course, is the identified Head of Science, modelling evolution in the classroom.

Over at West Ham, an all girls school is planned, with limited places for specially endowed males. Female students will be taught about the importance of vital statistics, will be assessed orally on a daily basis and will specialise on spread sheets. Maths lessons will focus how two, three and even four can go into one, and there will be a strong emphasis on analysis in all classrooms. In the proposed off shoot schools in Norwich and Ipswich, this will become "Analsis". Captain Kevin Nolan will deliver a course on the importance of leisure and the conservation of energy. Plans to launch the Academy in a new state of the art building are being considered, but erecting portacabins on the playground of an existing Newham school is now thought to be the preferred option.

The QPR school, meanwhile, will specialise on multiculturalism in the UK. The word "black" will be banned from all lessons, but "white" boards will also be rejected. A spokesman explained, "Anything that differentiates between black and white must be regarded as anathema." Captain Joey Barton will head up the English and Philosophy departments and will offer courses on cage fighting as part of the PE program of study. A special emphasis will be placed on gravity in Science lessons, under the slogan of "What goes up must come down". Unfortunately, the club are struggling to find a site for the proposed new school but Tony Fernandes can't stop talking about the project regardless.

A spokesman for Millwall explained that they have no plans for a school but consideration is being given to opening a zoo.