What's To Be Done With Julian Faux Pas?

Well Read Madrid don't want our derailed TGV so it looks like he will be parking his fat derriere on our bench again any time soon. I hate to think how much he is collecting in wages given he was signed during the Turds and Egg era, but it is certainly enough to fill the hamster pouches in his cheeks and stretch his shorts to the very limit. So now we have to work out what the hell we do with him.

Not surprisingly, Julian is now making noises about looking forward to returning to the Boleyn. His dream move has turned into a nightmare so why not simply slip back into the cushy little number he had before? He doesn't like our training, he doesn't like the more physical aspects of the English game, you can bet your life he doesn't like the English winter, but West Ham's money? Well he is happy to take that!

Can we make any use of him apart from boiling him down for glue? It is a long time ago now and a lot of water has passed under the bridge since then, but if you caste your minds back to the start of the season, then Faux Pas was actually our most potent player. From memory five of our first seven goals came from Faubert crosses or passes. Back in September I was thinking, crikey, this guy can play a bit. Then Zola arrived and the decision was made to switch him to right back. Even then the early signs were promising. Faubert looked solid and actually made some telling last ditch penalty box interceptions. But then something strange happened - suddenly Faux Pas seemed to think that the pitch ended at the half way line and getting him to cross it, never mind cross the ball, was like trying to encourage somebody scared of heights to step forward to the edge of a cliff.

All confidence now evaporated and all he seemed to want to do was release the ball as soon as he received it, even if that meant, as it invariably did, giving it to the opposition. Perhaps Zola shares some of the blame for this. Our game plan moved from long ball to short quick passing and so Faubert was perhaps simply following the manager's instructions, but the trouble is, he was crap at it! Suddenly a pass to Faubert produced the same anticipation of a groan as a pass to Boa-Morte. When that groan is stored up, it becomes so easy to release when a pass goes astray. A misplaced Noble, Collison, Parker or Behrami pass is greeted with warm applause for the attempt, a misplaced Faubert or Boa-Morte pass is greeted with groans and jeers. Inevitably, that undermines confidence and results in still more mistakes.

Personally, I think the guy can cut it in the Prem. He isn't old and he can play in two positions. It may be that his pace has gone because of that injury: it is worrying that Madrid have been disappointed with his "fitness". Perhaps that's why he is as reluctant to go round a full back as a zebra is to pass a hungry lion. If so, then we might as well scrap him. However, sometimes a loss of speed is in the head. The extra touch of the ball due to loss of confidence removes momentum and gives the opponent the chance to steady himself for the anticipated challenge. The instinct of the attacker then is to stop and turn inside - which is what Faubert does every time.

The solution? Just get Faubert running at Neill in training and whipping over crosses. If he can't do Lucash for pace, he really is a shot bolt. But if he can, the more he does it, the more his confidence will grow. He and Behrami could yet form an effective partnership down our right flank, covering for each other defensively and terrifying opposition left backs with the option of one cutting inside with the ball or the other breaking on the overlap.

I am not exactly welcoming Faubert back with open arms but I hope the fans give the guy a chance. His decision to join Madrid was fair enough - who would turn down an opportunity like that - and should not be held against him. Yes he has a fat backside, yes he looks like he is permanently sulking and yes he looked very ordinary from October onwards, but let's remember his August and September form and hope. The train now pulling in to Upton Park is the TGV away day from Madrid!

Faubert Shock!

The world of football was reeling today with the shock news that Real Madrid will not be exercising their option to buy Julian Faubert on a permanent deal in the summer. Having had hardly any opportunity to show what he can do, the West Ham and France star is to be sent packing when the present season ends. Once again, it seems, Jaunde Ramos has managed to pull disaster from the jaws of opportunity.

Faubert himself has spoken of his disappointment at the decision. Ever the self effacing, modest, diplomat, the Flying Frenchman (returning no doubt on Ryanair) has refused to criticise Ramos or the Spanish giants, although he must be stunned by the decision. As missed opportunities go, this is surely up there with Leeds United's decision to sell Cantona to Manchester United.

"The boy is a genius", said Faubert's mystified agent. "Madrid have simply failed to get the best out of him. People were surprised when the deal was initially announced and questioned the sanity of Ramos, but Julian and I knew that his performances at West Ham did not reflect his true ability. The English game is far too rough and tumble for somebody like Julian. He is an artist, not a painter and decorator. West Ham wanted him to, how do you say in English, bosh, bosh, bosh, but Julian wanted to create a work of art. And that takes time. It isn't all about going round a full back and whipping in a cross, it is about style and finesse. The Va Va Voom as Thiery Henry describes it."

Poor Faubert now faces the unhappy prospect of returning to the Hammers and suffering the taunts of the fans and the brutal training regimes at the club. "It will be a living hell for him," his agent Totale Merde told us. "I only hope that one of the other major clubs see sense and sign him. Who knows, he could be a Manchester United, Barcelona or Milan player by the start of next season."

Here's A Frightening Thought

If Faubert doesn't get his finger out, he will be back on le payroll acting as a L'argent Provocateur next season. Can you imagine Le Sulk after returning from his dream move to Madrid back to cold, wet, nasty old Newham? If he didn't like it first time around, he's going to like it even less after sitting on his derrière in Madrid for six months. And just think how fat that arse will be after all that inactivity! Will we have a pair of shorts big enough for Faux Pas when he returns? I suppose he could always borrow a pair off Beano!

Kovac

I saw flashes on Sunday that suggested this guy can play with Parker. He isn't quite up to Prem speed yet but he has a physical presence that I think could intimidate opponents and release the other midfielders, Parker included, to break forward more. I counted twice that Parker ran beyond Cole on Sunday, actually trying to get on the end of the ball in the box. If Parker is to earn his massive salary he has to be more than a holding midfielder, he has to become a box to box player and offer us more going forward. There were glimpses against City that Kovac will release him to do this. Noble has been disappointing recently so I would like to see Zola persist with this pairing, teamed with the pace of Savio and Collison on the flanks.

I have also liked the way Di Michele has been linking play, filling up the midfield when we don't have possession and picking passes when we do. His turn and cross for Cole in the first half against City was pure class - and a more instinctive goal scorer would have either taken that on the volley or launched himself into a diving header. I'm not Beano's biggest fan because of his injury record and selfishness, but I think he would have scored that one, as he did against United at Old Trafford last season.

So, I suspect Kovac could be a key piece in Zola's jigsaw. If we ever get DumptyDyer and Beano Ashton fit, we could have a team to reckon with. And remember, Faubert will be back in the summer!

Parking the caravan at the cottage

Well what a surprise! We've arrived at the cottage and Turds has parked the bloody caravan! Real message of intent with the selection! Back to 4-5-1 and leave out the leading scorer. Presumably that confirms that Ashton is on his way. Not considered good enough for the mighty Fulham despite scoring against them at UP! Brilliant, just brilliant.

First half, exacty as expected. First thirty seconds, Upson lumps it into the waiting arms of Niemi! Then followed a competition for the worst pass of the season. Upson made his bid when he delivered a suicidal ball to Green. The Beatle entered the competition when he lumped a free kick from the half way over everybody's head for a goal kick but Noble took the laurel when he bisected two players on the touch line, all of five yards away, to give Fulham a throw! Good to see all that work on close passing in training has paid off Alan!

Cole is on fire! Well, by on fire I mean he has had three chances and failed to hit the target with any! Good to see all that work on his shooting has paid off Alan! He has also given away five free kicks so far. How many minutes into the second half before he ses yellow? LBM has been LBM. Classic bad choice with an attempted ball to Faubert. Risible header fom inside six yard box when unchallenged - clearly Nobby has been given responsibility for training "attacking headers"! The shoot on sight philosophy clearly isn't in play despite the lack of goals - Noble had the D all to himself but chose to pass to a Fulham defender instead!

Tony Gale looked at the line ups and said, "The two teams have been set up to negate each other." He then added, "Who dares wins"! Turds heard that as "Who dares might lose!" So the caravan is nicely parked, how about pulling out the awning Turds, then we can all sit down and have a nice cup of tea! 45 minutes of boring dross as per bloody usual!

The Steady Crawl of the Caravan Brigade

Excuse me Alan, how about this for an odd idea? How about we go to Fulham tomorrow and attack the Craven Cottagers? How about we go 3-5-2 – The Beatle, Upson and Anton at the back, Faubert and Nobby as wide men (attacking wing backs), Mullins as the midfield anchor, Noble and Freddie breaking forward from midfield, and Ashton and Sears up front? How about sending a message Al, “We’re better than them so let’s go out and score some goals”? How about you park up the caravan Al, get out of the brown Volvo and jump into a bright red Ferrari instead, putting your foot to the floor? What’s that mate? We still need three points to be safe? A point at Fulham would be a useful stepping stone to survival? Alan? Alan? Wind down the window a second mate! Turn down Radio 2 mate! Oy Alan, mind what you’re doing with that bloody caravan, you nearly ran over my foot!