Cluedo

Any truth in the rumour that they are inventing a new Cluedo game, "Who relegated Sheffield United?" Was it Chairman Brown in the Boleyn Ground with the dodgy signing? Or Professor Benitez in the Cottage with the dodgy selection? Or most likely, Colonel Warnock in the Premiership with the shit team!

Nigel Misso-Choker

As patriotic as I am, I must confess to cheering when Nigel Reo -I'm a misunderstood superstar - Choker failed to tuck away his penalty in the shoot out. Shame it was Anton's miserable effort that eventually led to our elimination because I'm sure there would have been knees up Mother Brown parties all the length of Green Street had Reo-Choker's pathetic attempt led directly to our elimination.

Nobody loves me at West Ham! Nobody loves you anywhere in England now Nigel!!!

Come on Villa, let's see the colour of your money! £8m for a guy who sidefoots a pass to the keeper in a penalty shoot out? They must be barmy!

No man is an island!

How did we get Tevez? Well, the story goes that when Luther Missit turned up for his first training session at AC Milan after his big money move from Watford, he was told to take the corners. Not surprisingly, Luther was perplexed and asked why. The Milan coach said, "That's why we bought you - great dribbling, brilliant corners, pin point crosses." Turns out there had been a number change in the programme when the Milan scouts had watched Watford, with Blissett and Barnes swapping shirts. The Mafia had bought the wrong black man! (Be warned Spurs, there are two Bents at Charlton!)

And the relevance to Tevez? Apparently the Argies confused Whitechapel with Whitehall and saw that a guy called Brown was doing the deal. It's no coincidence that maps all over Argentina are now showing the Falklands as the Malvinas!

If dead, Maggie would be turning in her grave. For the time being, she's just twitching on her zimmer frame!