They were standing under a scaffold, each with an arm round the other’s neck, and Princess Karen knew which was which in a moment, because one of them had ‘DUM’ embroidered on his collar, and the other ‘DEE.’ ‘I suppose they’ve each got “David” round at the back of the collar,’ she said to herself.
They stood so still that she quite forgot they were alive, and she was just looking round to see if the word “David” was written at the back of each collar, when she was startled by a voice coming from the one marked ‘DUM.’
‘If you think we’re wax-works,’ he said, ‘you ought to pay, you know. Wax-works weren’t made to be looked at for nothing, nohow!’
'Not for nothing, nohow' echoed the one marked Dee. 'Nothing for nothing. Except for loan signings!'
'On that subject' said Princess Karen, somewhat rudely, 'I was wondering what, exactly, is our transfer policy this summer.'
'A good question!' said David Dumb.
'A good question indeeed!' echoed David Dee who then admitted, 'It beats me.'
'It seems', said Princess Karen, 'That no sooner we express an interest in a player, than somebody else buys them!'
'That seems to be the case' said David Dee, grinning broadly.
'Then why tell the world who we are hoping to sign ahead of doing the deal?' enquired Princess Karen as if judging on TV.
'This sounds like the Young Apprentice' complained David Dum.
'Then send her out on loan!' exclaimed David Dee. 'We might get a fee! Shall we sing the song of the Sakho and the Carrol?'
'Are we buying Joe Hart?' demanded the Princess, irritated by the diversions.
'Buying?' exclaimed Dum, holding his chest whilst exclaiming in mock agony, 'My Hart! My Hart! You've broken my Hart!'
'Then borrowing?' asked the Princess utterly exasperated.
'We would if we could' explained the smiling Dee. 'But it's the wages you see.'
'It's the wages,' agreed Dum. 'And the fact that another club wants him.'
'But we have signalled our interest,' smiled Dee. 'And so alerted our rivals.'
'Look' said the Princess, stamping her stiletto heel. 'Why are all the other clubs buying whilst we sit on our hands?'
'Bigger clubs are buying' corrected Dum, 'Bigger clubs with lots of money'.
'But Burnley have just spent £10m on a player from Swansea!' exclaimed Karen.
'Big club Burnley', smiled Dee. 'I remember when they won the title in 59-60.'
'Great year for clarets that' agreed Dum, sipping from a glass of wine.
'Look, will somebody PLEASE explain our strategy?' screamed the Princess most impolitely.
'It is very simple' said Dum in a most patronising voice. 'We put in a bid knowing it will not be accepted and force up the price that a rival club has to pay.'
'And I tell the world so other clubs jump in and buy.' added Dee delightedly.
'And what about us?' asked the Princess puzzled.
'We get lots of free publicity and don't spend any money!' cackled Dee.
'And sell 52,000 season tickets into the bargain!' laughed Dum as he waddled all the way to the bank and Dee tweeted the club's interest in signing Ronaldo, Messi, Neymar and...erm....Walcott.