Friday, 13 June 2014

Never mind Qatar, how much did Brazil pay to win last night's game?

Well what a diabolical start to the World Cup. The opening ceremony was cringeworthy with unimaginative dancers and singers that nobody could hear, but that proved the perfect prelude to the most embarrassingly engineered home nation victory you could ever dread to see.

It really is time for referees to be marched in front of the world's media and interrogated about decisions which are so ludicrous that they bring the entire game into disrepute and leave everybody suspecting that either money has changed hands, or political pressure has been brought to bear.

Yes there was contact in the box, and yes a referee can hide behind that fact, but look at the way the opportunity to award Brazil a penalty was seized upon! The referee would have been genuflecting in thanks for his personal salvation had he not been surrounded by understandably irate Croats. If that was a penalty, then a penalty should have been awarded at every single corner, because defenders from both sides had their hands all over the forwards. Shouldn't a referee be obliged to explain that level of inconsistency?

And tell me, had that happened at the other end, would a spot kick have been awarded? Not a chance in hell!

Tuesday, 10 June 2014

Joe Cole's Downward Spiral complete with move to Aston Villa

Well, it seems even 'Arry and QPR didn't want him and clubs on the other side of the Atlantic said, "You did us over with London Bridge when we thought we were buying Tower Bridge, so we aint buying the duff Cole, be it Carlton or Joe." So what was the former Boy Wonder to do when even Batman 'Arry and the Yanks of Gotham City didn't want him?

The downward spiral started with that switch to Chelsea of course. Then it was Liverpool and Lille, before Joe returned to his spiritual home and proved that he truly is washed up and past it. So what's a knackered old has-been supposed to do as he contemplates retirement?

Why, find a nice Villa to see out the rest of his days of course!

A change of badge, shirt colour and name is long overdue

We sold the club's soul when we appointed Allardyce. We've agreed the sale of the ground too. And any player worthy of the title has been converted into cash at the earliest opportunity since the days of Greenwood and Lyall, so why in God's name get into a tizzy over the badge?

Maybe crossed dildos could replace the hammers. Instead of the castle, move in the Olympic Rings, with each dildo piercing a ring in ultra suggestive fashion.

Why not add London or Olympic to the club's name? In fact, we simply have to get the word West out of the title because it is so confusing for tourists - the club is situated on the East side of the city is it not? And as for "Ham", well that is just plain provocative and insensitive in the new multicultural metropolis - surely East London Olympic Halal and Kosher would be a more representative name for the club.

And let's change the bloody shirt whilst we are about it shall we? Claret and Blue is so, well you know, yesterday! Why not the multicoloured Olympic rings worn as hoops? That would be simply divine!

Those fans voicing concerns need to get with the programme. Hang on, programmes? No, let's have an issues based women's glossy magazine instead featuring a tiara adorned Princess Brady on the cover!

There! The makeover is complete! Next stop, the Champions League! Or maybe London Fashion Week might be more our cup of caffe latte!

Monday, 2 June 2014

Tottenham already have Lennon, so why not sign McCartney?

With Spurs desperate for a replacement for Danny "A Rose by any other name would smell as shite" and with cash limited following the £100m splurge last summer, surely Pochettino should consider reuniting Lennon with McCartney, by signing the West Ham man recently released on a free.

Before Spurs fans scoff, they should remember that West Ham did the treble over their rag bag bunch of overpriced millionaires last season, and "Linda" played in two of those three games, starting at centre back in the League Cup game in December and in his more accustomed left back position in the penultimate game of the season.

It's true that McCartney is no spring chicken and it's true too  that he is pretty crap, but he still ran out a winner in two games against Spurs last season, and if £100million pounds worth of "talent" can only conjure  one goal over 180 minutes of football with McCartney in the team, he can't be that bad can he?

One thing's for sure, although ordinary, he's a better left back than Danny Rose will ever be! So come on Levy, pick yourself up a bargain! And with Lennon and McCartney on board, it shouldn't be too hard to locate a Harrison somewhere in the lower leagues and, once he's in place, Spurs would surely make sweet music because every other expensive signing must be a genuine Starr.

Mustn't they?

Sunday, 1 June 2014

West Ham and QPR miss out on Midfield Maestro

What a shame. It seems the lure of mega dollars has persuaded Fat Frank to ply his trade on the other side of the pond, rather than return to his roots or to link up again with Uncle 'Arry.

A move by West Ham for the best player produced by the club since Moore, Hurst and Peters (and yes I'm counting Brooking!) was always unlikely given the fans' antipathy for a player who, supposedly, was only selected as a teenager because of nepotism, but he would have been a wonderful addition to the ranks, guaranteeing either more goals than Nolan and Morrison put together if played behind Carroll, or wonderful control if selected as a deep seated play maker. Yes he's old, but when you ooze class, age doesn't matter.

As for QPR, he would have boosted morale both in the dressing room and on the terraces and would have been the pivot around which the Hula Hoops could have spun.

But, instead, he's heading for New York - until January at least when, who knows, if either club is desperate, a loan deal might yet be done.

Saturday, 31 May 2014

Should West Ham Rescue Scott Parker From Fulham?

It seems amazing doesn't it, that such a great player as Scott Parker can be relegated from the top division of English football THREE times in a - as yet unfinished - career. Anybody would think, looking at that record, that the guy wasn't that much cop!

Incredibly, despite helping Fulham to a next to bottom place finish in the Premier League, Parker was overlooked for this season's Player of the Year award. Maybe his team has to finish rock bottom to merit that accolade!

But now the poor guy is stranded in the Championship and we all know how Scotty hates to play in the second tier of English football. So surely, after giving such great service to West Ham, before being forced to request a transfer when - following our relegation - Spurs made a cut price bid, we should step in and rescue him.

It's the very least we can do for a player who loved the club so much that he signed a contract extension, securing a massive wage increase, a week after Spurs bought Van Der Vaart; poor Scotty delayed and delayed signing that contract, only for Wheeler Dealer 'Arry to let him down by switching his interest to the Dutchman at the last moment. And how did West Ham reward him for his loyalty? By getting relegated! Just like Charlton! And now Fulham!

So, let's forget all the other transfer targets and prioritise bringing a true West Ham legend back to Upton Park. True fans of the club - who lauded Parker's heroic efforts as we finished bottom of the Prem - should launch a "Bring Back Scotty" campaign without delay. We owe it to the guy. And let's name the Olympic Stadium after him when we make the move too!

Do one Lescott!

So it looks like Lescott has shunned our advances. Well thank God for that! He laughed at suggestions that he might come to Upton Park on loan in January, and there's no way we want somebody with that attitude at the club.

In truth, Lescott is a very average player who has got more average by the day whilst living off the fat of Unreal City's inflated wage bill. He lacks focus, consistency and composure and isn't half as committed in the challenge as Ginge. God knows what he is looking for in wages, but one thing's for sure, he will have inflated expectations after adjusting his spending to his salary at Man City.

Jog on Kryten, we don't want you at West Ham!

Friday, 30 May 2014

If Sunderland's Jack Colback is the answer, we are asking the wrong question!

So the latest big white carrot topped hope is apparently Jack Colback, because he is available on a free from Sunderland. Allardyce regards him as the best player presently available for nowt but he would wouldn't he? Colback is an Allardyce type of player - high on energy and effort but very seriously lacking in one key department.

Question. Aged 24, how many goals has Colback scored over his career? Answer, ten.

Even more seriously, how many has he scored in the Prem? Answer, four.

Why did we struggle last season? We didn't score enough goals. So how is four goal Colback going to improve the situation exactly? When you play a single striker, you need midfield players who can score goals. Noble can't. Diame can't. Downing can't. Jarvis can't. So why add another goal shy player to the "armoury" exactly?

Somebody tell Allardyce we need GOALS!

It's Mo-Go Diame!

Well he lost his mojo when Allardyce started playing him as the front man in a striker-less formation and then as a wide man because Jarvis was so consistently hopeless, but now, it seems, Diame simply wants out.

How else can you account for his ridiculous comments about team mates not trying? Team mates not good enough might be a reasonable observation, but the one thing I witnessed all season was a team desperately trying to overcome its very severe limitations. Who, exactly, were the non triers?

Well, for sure, it wasn't any of O'Brien, Noble, Collins, Tomkins, Reid, McCartney, Carlton Cole, Taylor or Jarvis. Now you can question whether some of those should be in a Premiership team, never mind a team striving for a top ten finish, but to question their desire and effort would be madness in the extreme. The one thing every one of them could be relied upon to do, is run until they drop (which we only just avoided!).

What about Nolan? Well according to Diame, things got better after January when the competition for places increased. That rules out Captain Kev then, because with Morrison's departure, his place in the team was absolutely guaranteed. And with the situation improving in January, he clearly wasn't thinking of Carroll, because he hadn't kicked a ball during the period when players were supposedly not trying.

Does the finger then point at Demel? If so, it seems harsh because he always looked committed to the cause to me, even if lasting 90 minutes seems to be a challenge for the guy. Adrian or Jussi? Daft idea.

So, who are we down to? Joe Cole, Downing and Morrison? Well they were contenders for the one area of the team where there was competition for places, so Diame's argument flounders even if he is right that these three were more interested in themselves than in the team - which I can well believe. But to be fair to Downing, he did a lot of tracking back and I lost count of the number of blind alleys he ran up in most games.

So maybe it was Mogodon Maiga that Diame had in mind. Maybe Mo doesn't understand that the guy is just shit!

Or Boomtown Rat perhaps? Well the fact he defected mid season tells us he was unhappy at being used only occasionally by Allardyce but, again, I saw a player running and running and running whenever he wore the shirt.

If I've forgotten anybody, I apologise. But what difference did the new arrivals in January make anyway? They barely started a game between them, so the "competition for places" that they offered was virtually zero.

No. Mo was talking out of his arse, unless he was talking about his own attitude of course. One thing's for sure, he has guaranteed himself a cold shoulder from his team mates when they return to training, which suggests to me that he wants out of the club before the start of the new season. But if he's dreaming of a top 6 club coming in for him, then he's in for a disappointing summer. True Allardyce played him out of position for most of the season but that's because he was found out in the engine room of the team, giving away far too many free kicks on the edge of our box, which, with Jussi in goal, led to goals!

Monday, 26 May 2014

The Rebuilding Is Underway & Underwhelming!

So, three players have gone and the first new recruit is on his way. I'm not overly excited about the prospect of Zarate, but he has to be better than Maiga, Cole, Downing and Jarvis, doesn't he? The fact that he can play wide but can also score goals points to the direction in which we are heading: no change in the 4-3-3 tactics, just a change in personnel. I hope somebody has told the Argentinian that his first job is to track the opposition full back!

Meanwhile, suggestions that we are prepared to loan out Downing tells you everything you need to know about the failure of that particular deal. At the time he was signed, I expressed deep reservations about the deal, not least because, with Carroll side-lined, our priority had to be a striker and not another winger, but, as ever, the Claret & Blue Klan tried to shout me down. One season and one goal on, the folly of the deal is surely obvious to everybody. Let's hope Zarate does a bit better than that!

The latest talk is linking us with Gareth Barry and that would be as bloody stupid as the Downing signing. I have huge regard for the former England man, but he is no spring chicken and given the need for pace and goals, Barry must be the wrong man at the wrong time surely. Yes he is available on a free but so what? The same applies to Ince, and despite his genes, he would surely be a more exciting recruit. Tell me, what threat would a central midfield of Noble, Barry and Diame pose exactly?

So, Zarate is a start, but if we are serious about a top 10 finish, we have to unearth better gems than him and ignore players like Barry.