Sunday, 24 February 2008

Blowing a Gale (Martin Tyler! Well, I'm shocked!)

Given I'm considered too harsh a critic, I offer you the words of Martin Tyler and Hammer Hero Tony Gale: When Ashton and Boa Morte were breaking two on two: "Boa-Morte doesn't look as if he wants the ball." When Ashton tried to chest trap a ball: "He's struggling to judge the bounce of the ball".

When Green made a hash of coming for two crosses:"He was just standing beneath the cross" and "You've got to be more decisive when coming. He didn't look like getting there." When Cole missed a sitter: "He headed it straight at the keeper. Should have scored."

Of our derailed TGV: "Faubert hasn't really physically turned up for the game. The body language isn't good. He needs to get involved more." When Lucas stood in his six yard box, arms spread wide: "Lucas Neill left it with Robert Green nowhere near." When Mullins shot: "That was a long long long way wide." When Cole tied to control a drilled cross. "You've got to either try to volley or head the ball there, to try to control the ball is all but impossible."

I will take over now! Nobby was brilliant but the goal went in off his arm. Did Boa-Morte cushion the headed pass or was he trying to get out of the way? Not sure! Once Solano was on we looked so much better, which is worrying given he replaced Faubert, our latest "Great hope"! One Nobby pass was, in Gale's words, "World class" and "Out of keeping with the rest of the game."

Noble had a good second half of the second half. Gale again: "The kick in the face seems to have woken him up!" One classic moment when LBM jumped into the back of Cole as he went up for a Nobby cross - Keystone Cops stuff from Little and Large!

Classical Turds substitutions - he gave Ashton 11 minutes to impress Capello ("Cheers boss, I'm off in the summer!") and brought on Spector for Freddie to defend the 1-0 lead aginst 10 men. Typical!

Yes we won but be honest, it was crap, AGAIN! Where was the promised attacking adventure? Where were the promised youngsters? But what about the injuries I hear you whine. It was Fulham! We won with a scrappy goal. Fulham could have had a first half penalty. The passing was, Solano apart, generally awful. We had all the penetration of a eunuch in a chastity belt! Turds is happy of course. Three more points. Nice cup of tea. Lovely views.

Come on dear, time to pack up the caravan and poodle along to the next destination!

Parking the caravan at the cottage

Well what a surprise! We've arrived at the cottage and Turds has parked the bloody caravan! Real message of intent with the selection! Back to 4-5-1 and leave out the leading scorer. Presumably that confirms that Ashton is on his way. Not considered good enough for the mighty Fulham despite scoring against them at UP! Brilliant, just brilliant.

First half, exacty as expected. First thirty seconds, Upson lumps it into the waiting arms of Niemi! Then followed a competition for the worst pass of the season. Upson made his bid when he delivered a suicidal ball to Green. The Beatle entered the competition when he lumped a free kick from the half way over everybody's head for a goal kick but Noble took the laurel when he bisected two players on the touch line, all of five yards away, to give Fulham a throw! Good to see all that work on close passing in training has paid off Alan!

Cole is on fire! Well, by on fire I mean he has had three chances and failed to hit the target with any! Good to see all that work on his shooting has paid off Alan! He has also given away five free kicks so far. How many minutes into the second half before he ses yellow? LBM has been LBM. Classic bad choice with an attempted ball to Faubert. Risible header fom inside six yard box when unchallenged - clearly Nobby has been given responsibility for training "attacking headers"! The shoot on sight philosophy clearly isn't in play despite the lack of goals - Noble had the D all to himself but chose to pass to a Fulham defender instead!

Tony Gale looked at the line ups and said, "The two teams have been set up to negate each other." He then added, "Who dares wins"! Turds heard that as "Who dares might lose!" So the caravan is nicely parked, how about pulling out the awning Turds, then we can all sit down and have a nice cup of tea! 45 minutes of boring dross as per bloody usual!

Friday, 22 February 2008

The Steady Crawl of the Caravan Brigade

Excuse me Alan, how about this for an odd idea? How about we go to Fulham tomorrow and attack the Craven Cottagers? How about we go 3-5-2 – The Beatle, Upson and Anton at the back, Faubert and Nobby as wide men (attacking wing backs), Mullins as the midfield anchor, Noble and Freddie breaking forward from midfield, and Ashton and Sears up front? How about sending a message Al, “We’re better than them so let’s go out and score some goals”? How about you park up the caravan Al, get out of the brown Volvo and jump into a bright red Ferrari instead, putting your foot to the floor? What’s that mate? We still need three points to be safe? A point at Fulham would be a useful stepping stone to survival? Alan? Alan? Wind down the window a second mate! Turn down Radio 2 mate! Oy Alan, mind what you’re doing with that bloody caravan, you nearly ran over my foot!

Red Stripe Sacked.

Well how predictable was that? The Blunted Blades have stabbed poor old Red Stripe in the back. There he was, enjoying a nice drink at the bar when up came McCabe and twisted the plastic blade between poor old Robbo's shoulder blades. Not sure who I feel most sympathy for, Robbo or Gazza! Still, now they can go to rehab together - allegedly. Red Stripe signed up when he read "Winehouse in rehab"!

Muck Spreading all the way down the M4!

Come on Bristol Rovers! One game from a Wembley semifinal, two games from the cup final itself! The scarecrows are getting so exciting the straw is coming out of their ears, "We're off to see the Wizard.." - all hoping to find a new turnip for a brain! Who needs Johnny Depp - it's the Pirates of the West Country! The muck spreaders are revving their engines as we speak and the pretty girls are all climbing aboard the posh combine 'arvesters. "Oh he's so gorgeous, he's got a bright red Combi you know!" Brothers and sisters are having sex as we speak in celebration. Snake bites with blackcurrant tops are being downed! Oooh Arrrrr, Oooh Aaaarrr! Come on you Wurzles, you can do it! Is must be bedlam down there at the moment?