Friday, 13 June 2014

Never mind Qatar, how much did Brazil pay to win last night's game?

Well what a diabolical start to the World Cup. The opening ceremony was cringeworthy with unimaginative dancers and singers that nobody could hear, but that proved the perfect prelude to the most embarrassingly engineered home nation victory you could ever dread to see.

It really is time for referees to be marched in front of the world's media and interrogated about decisions which are so ludicrous that they bring the entire game into disrepute and leave everybody suspecting that either money has changed hands, or political pressure has been brought to bear.

Yes there was contact in the box, and yes a referee can hide behind that fact, but look at the way the opportunity to award Brazil a penalty was seized upon! The referee would have been genuflecting in thanks for his personal salvation had he not been surrounded by understandably irate Croats. If that was a penalty, then a penalty should have been awarded at every single corner, because defenders from both sides had their hands all over the forwards. Shouldn't a referee be obliged to explain that level of inconsistency?

And tell me, had that happened at the other end, would a spot kick have been awarded? Not a chance in hell!

Tuesday, 10 June 2014

Joe Cole's Downward Spiral complete with move to Aston Villa

Well, it seems even 'Arry and QPR didn't want him and clubs on the other side of the Atlantic said, "You did us over with London Bridge when we thought we were buying Tower Bridge, so we aint buying the duff Cole, be it Carlton or Joe." So what was the former Boy Wonder to do when even Batman 'Arry and the Yanks of Gotham City didn't want him?

The downward spiral started with that switch to Chelsea of course. Then it was Liverpool and Lille, before Joe returned to his spiritual home and proved that he truly is washed up and past it. So what's a knackered old has-been supposed to do as he contemplates retirement?

Why, find a nice Villa to see out the rest of his days of course!

A change of badge, shirt colour and name is long overdue

We sold the club's soul when we appointed Allardyce. We've agreed the sale of the ground too. And any player worthy of the title has been converted into cash at the earliest opportunity since the days of Greenwood and Lyall, so why in God's name get into a tizzy over the badge?

Maybe crossed dildos could replace the hammers. Instead of the castle, move in the Olympic Rings, with each dildo piercing a ring in ultra suggestive fashion.

Why not add London or Olympic to the club's name? In fact, we simply have to get the word West out of the title because it is so confusing for tourists - the club is situated on the East side of the city is it not? And as for "Ham", well that is just plain provocative and insensitive in the new multicultural metropolis - surely East London Olympic Halal and Kosher would be a more representative name for the club.

And let's change the bloody shirt whilst we are about it shall we? Claret and Blue is so, well you know, yesterday! Why not the multicoloured Olympic rings worn as hoops? That would be simply divine!

Those fans voicing concerns need to get with the programme. Hang on, programmes? No, let's have an issues based women's glossy magazine instead featuring a tiara adorned Princess Brady on the cover!

There! The makeover is complete! Next stop, the Champions League! Or maybe London Fashion Week might be more our cup of caffe latte!

Monday, 2 June 2014

Tottenham already have Lennon, so why not sign McCartney?

With Spurs desperate for a replacement for Danny "A Rose by any other name would smell as shite" and with cash limited following the £100m splurge last summer, surely Pochettino should consider reuniting Lennon with McCartney, by signing the West Ham man recently released on a free.

Before Spurs fans scoff, they should remember that West Ham did the treble over their rag bag bunch of overpriced millionaires last season, and "Linda" played in two of those three games, starting at centre back in the League Cup game in December and in his more accustomed left back position in the penultimate game of the season.

It's true that McCartney is no spring chicken and it's true too  that he is pretty crap, but he still ran out a winner in two games against Spurs last season, and if £100million pounds worth of "talent" can only conjure  one goal over 180 minutes of football with McCartney in the team, he can't be that bad can he?

One thing's for sure, although ordinary, he's a better left back than Danny Rose will ever be! So come on Levy, pick yourself up a bargain! And with Lennon and McCartney on board, it shouldn't be too hard to locate a Harrison somewhere in the lower leagues and, once he's in place, Spurs would surely make sweet music because every other expensive signing must be a genuine Starr.

Mustn't they?

Sunday, 1 June 2014

West Ham and QPR miss out on Midfield Maestro

What a shame. It seems the lure of mega dollars has persuaded Fat Frank to ply his trade on the other side of the pond, rather than return to his roots or to link up again with Uncle 'Arry.

A move by West Ham for the best player produced by the club since Moore, Hurst and Peters (and yes I'm counting Brooking!) was always unlikely given the fans' antipathy for a player who, supposedly, was only selected as a teenager because of nepotism, but he would have been a wonderful addition to the ranks, guaranteeing either more goals than Nolan and Morrison put together if played behind Carroll, or wonderful control if selected as a deep seated play maker. Yes he's old, but when you ooze class, age doesn't matter.

As for QPR, he would have boosted morale both in the dressing room and on the terraces and would have been the pivot around which the Hula Hoops could have spun.

But, instead, he's heading for New York - until January at least when, who knows, if either club is desperate, a loan deal might yet be done.