Tuesday, 31 May 2011

West Ham to Consider Legal Challenge to Relegation

With the appointment of Sam Allardyce imminent, a source close to the club has revealed that Sullivan and Gold are considering a legal challenge to the club's relegation. Despite finishing bottom of the table, 7 points adrift of safety, the club believe that it is unreasonable for them to surrender their Premiership place to Swansea City.

The newly appointed Communications and Strategy Director, Lee Vitout revealed: "The situation is absolutely absurd. We are talking about the English Premier League - the EPL - and Swansea are not an English team. Wales has its own Prince, its own language, its own version of a Parliament, its own European Community handouts, its own sheep and its own football league and version of the FA Cup."

He continued: "You have to ask why Swansea are allowed to play in the N Power Championship, never mind the EPL. West Ham United are an English club based in the nation's capital city and it is thanks to West Ham that England won the World Cup in 1966. To replace this great English club in the EPL with a Welsh team is a total travesty which will undermine global marketing of the EPL brand."

Challenged on why it would be West Ham who retain their place rather than Birmingham or Blackpool should Swansea be denied promotion, Vitout explained: "As the Champions, QPR replaced the team who finished third from bottom. QPR did the best in the N Power and of the three relegated clubs Birmingham did the best, so their place was taken by Warnock's charges. Blackpool and Norwich swap places according to the same logic, so Swansea, as the weakest of the three promoted clubs, are replacing bottom of the table West Ham. Therefore if Swansea's promotion is blocked - as it obviously should be - then all logic and justice demands that West Ham retain their Premiership place."

A spokesman for the EPL replied: "Like everybody now at the club, Vitout is an utter cnut."

Anybody Seen Allardyce?

He's over six foot tall, has an ugly mush and is likely to be eating a pie. Anybody spotted him yet?

West Ham should launch an Allardyce version of "Where's Wally?" Sorry, I forgot, they had to ship him out so Allardyce could get a free run at the pies!

Scholes Retirement opens the door for Parker.

The decision of Scholes to call it a day may just have opened the door for Parker to join the Mancs. The players are not exact carbon copies - Scholes is a far better passer of the ball and Parker is a better anchor - but signing Parker would free up Carrick to assume the playmaker role.

Critics of Carrick insist that he has never realised his full potential but he was originally the "next Hoddle or Brooking", not the next Billy Bonds or Alan Mullery. He was asked to reinvent himself first by Pardew, and then by Ferguson.

For 20 minutes of the Champions League final, I thought Carrick was the best player in a Man Utd shirt and, with Parker sweeping behind him, I believe he has the ability to become the playmaker proper. If Ferguson does express an interest, Parker's value will soar; so here's hoping!

Poor Old Reading!

I can't say I like Reading - that 6-0 hammering at the Madejski Stadium drove a stake through the heart of an affection I had felt going back to the days of Steve Victor De'ath (How could a team take to the field with Death between the sticks?). However, how unlucky were they to lose yesterday, based on the game's stats?

Swansea only had four shots on target and scored four goals - and one of those went in off a Reading player! Reading had more shots on goal, more shots on target and more corners, but still contrived to lose the game 4-2. Even when they were 3-0 down, I cautioned my son not to write them off, and sure enough, they showed typical dogged, fighting spirit to pull it back to 3-2. The fourth Swansea goal was a cruel blow.

One is tempted to say what a great job Brian McDermott has done - and he has - but cruel fate delivered another savage blow because Swansea are managed by the guy Reading sacked before McDermott was appointed. How shit is that?

And the final cruel twist of fate? Swans are, of course, the dish of royalty but yesterday the Swans devoured the Royals. You couldn't write it, could you?

I'm not going to pretend any love for Reading. There was a falling out between the clubs when we poached Pardew and the wound of that 6-0 thrashing is still raw, but my sympathy goes out to the club and to its fans today. I hope you get up via the playoffs next year guys, providing, of course we finish in one of the two top berths!

Monday, 30 May 2011

West Ham Bottom of the N Power Championship!

Would you Adam and Eve it, I've just seen the Championship league table for next season and we are bottom already. Watford above us on the basis of the a after the W. We are fcuking cursed!

Still, Allardyce hasn't arrived yet. Perhaps he will look at the table and think better of it!

No Sign of The Beast - Yet!

It is approaching 10am on Monday, May 30th 2011 and we have been camped out for almost a week now, hoping to catch sight of the Beast. Reports of a horned, cloven hoofed creature prowling down Green Street have, thus far, not been confirmed by sightings. Many local residents scoff at the idea that Satan may, indeed, in their midst without them even realising. "I would recognise Salman Rushdie whatever his disguise!" insisted one shopper in Queens Market.

Others claim that there is a distinct whiff of sulphur in the air and that David Sullivan placed an advert in the local newsagent back in January, offering his soul for sale. One man, who was too scared to give his name said: "They retired the number 6 shirt out of respect for Bobby Moore but next season it is returning in triplicate. Who knows which player will wear 666 - but we have been linked with Joey Barton before."

Garlic sales have gone through the roof and wooden steaks are now the weapon of choice in Newham.

But, as we report, there has not yet been a confirmed sighting. Perhaps this is all just a bad dream. Perhaps the rumours are untrue. Perhaps Van Helsing will arrive in time. Here's hoping!

Peterborough and Doncaster!

That sums it up for me. Next season we play Peterborough and Doncaster! How humiliating! And what's worse is that if Allardyce is in charge, they will play the better football!

Sunday, 29 May 2011

FIFA in Meltdown!

What a bloody joke! We all knew that the processes involved in the determination of where the World Cup would be held were utterly corrupt and now we have proof; but what is happening? As things stand, nothing. In fact Septic Bladder is going to be anointed President without any opposition following the suspension of his only rival along with Warner.

First off, Bladder must be opposed and the "election"scheduled for this week must be suspended. Then the voting for Russia and Qatar must be scrutinised and if there is ANY suggestion of corruption, there must be a new vote.

It is time for the  Western European nations to exercise their muscle. We know that CONACAF, Africa and Asia are corrupt. For God's sake, they don't understand the meaning of democracy, and bribery and corruption are just a way of life in the majority of the nations represented. How else can you explain the awarding of a World Cup to Qatar - a nation where you can be executed for being homosexual and for converting to Christianity - and where temperatures will represent a major threat to the life of the players. Dear God, Platini even mooted the idea of moving the competition to February as temperatures would only touch 120 degrees in the "winter"!

The F.A. should now be doing deals, campaigning for a World Cup shared with Spain or Germany in 2018 and in Australia in 2022. If the other countries don't want to fall into line, then sod them. We should then go the whole hog for 2022, running a campaign for an alternative European based World Cup. I bet you that the major nations of the world would prefer a World Cup in temperate England to a World Cup in the melting cauldron of Islamic Qatar.

Allardyce Having Second Thoughts

Whilst West Ham fans debate the merits of Allardyce's appointment, one rather crucial fact seems to have been overlooked. The guy isn't yet it charge. Allardyce has been offered the job, that's pretty close to an established fact, but Sullivan himself, at the first meeting of the Supporters' Advisory Board, admitted that an offer had been made which he didn't expect to be accepted. Almost a week on, and Allardyce still hasn't been annointed Director of the Asylum. Why?

It seems pretty obvious that Big Slam is prevaricating, unsure that this is the right move for him. He knows that the fans don't really want him, that at the first sign of adversity, the crowd will turn on him. He isn't Zola, he is the arch enemy of the Academy and the West Ham way, the Dirty Northern Bastard with a  footballing cosh in hand.

He knows that the players will kick against him. At the first sign of adversity they will start muttering, "That isn't the way we were taught to play."

He knows Sullivan and Gold will hate him. Zola was a shrimp, Grant a yes man; Allardyce is a big mouthed heavyweight of an objectionable bastard. At some point, he will lift the Gobby One off the ground, his little legs kicking in the air, and tell him to "Stay the fcuk away from the training ground or I'll rip your ugly fcuking head off!"

He knows even the groundsman will hate him. "But I've never been asked to dig trenches at either end of the training pitch before nor have we ever erected a tangle of barbed wire in the middle of the pitch along with 'No Man's Land' signs."

Tell me, why would you willingly walk into a mine field like that? Allardyce doesn't NEED this job. West Ham are not Allardyce's war. The club stand for everything he hates in football: Soft Southern Legitimates, the very wimps he has built his reputation upon giving a good kicking.

Allardyce may be on his way down to London but he keeps hearing this voice in his head, "Turn again Sam Allardyce." I bet he is desperately hoping that Birmingham decide to dispense with McLeish and offer him the job.

One thing's for sure, if Allardyce is appointed, there will be anxiety on both sides. This is a marriage made in the divorce courts! And if Big Sham is appointed, Gold will stand before the nation's press and announce, "I have in my hand a piece of paper guaranteeing success in our time."

Saturday, 28 May 2011

Allardyce - One Chopping Block or Another!

So Big Sam, it seems, has a choice of one chopping block or another. Either he puts his neck on the line by joining Al Jazira - and we know what features in Al Jazeera videos - or he moves to the Boleyn, and dear old Anne's fate shows that 500 years ago, we used to have our own form of Sharia Law.

Must be a tough choice. Who would you want as your boss? Either the Saudi Royal Family, who chop off your hand if you are caught thieving (and let's face it, there's as big a stink around Allardyce as there is around Redknapp and it aint the smell of Spam Fritters) or Sullivan and Gold who assassinate their managers daily by way of entertainment.

One thing is for sure, if Allardyce arrives at the Boleyn, Curbishley's plan, so cruelly cut off in its prime, to turn us into the latest Charlton or Blackburn or Bolton, will be seen through to completion. Pain in the neck? Well yes for Allardyce when the axe eventually falls, but also for the fans as we look skyward, desperately trying to locate the ball. The Upson lump will return with a vengeance - although ironically the man assigned playmaker responsibility by Curbishley is now on his way. Never mind, da Costa can kick it harder, further and higher so Sam already has the key to his tactical masterplan in the squad - if he can keep him out of prison!

Greenwood, Moore and Lyall are turning in their graves as we speak. The stadium is going, our soul is in hock and as soon as Allardyce is appointed, everything that West Ham has ever stood for will be consigned to the executioner's basket.

Credit where credit is due though, The Dildo Brothers and their Hoe promised to transform the club from top to bottom, and I am already struggling to recognise the West Ham United I have supported for 43 years!

Friday, 27 May 2011

Three way tug of war for Parker?

It looks as if Wenger has decided Parker isn't right for Arsenal. There's no surprise there for me as the guy is a pretty shrewd judge of a player. I've heard Gooners saying that Parker is just the sort of player that they need but that's cobblers because Parker can't play either in goal or centre half. I know Wenger has blind spots about both positions but surely even he has to accept now that, to win anything, he has to strengthen his defensive unit.

So it looks like it is coming down to Tottenham, Liverpool and Villa. But if there is any truth in the 'Arry to Chelsea rumours, I reckon Tottenham will drop out of the running too. Levy likes to invest his money in players much younger than Parker and I suspect he sees him as a depreciating asset. Buy for £10m this summer, worth at most £6m next summer. Bad business.

So then it would be Liverpool or Villa. It would be ironic if Parker ended up playing next season in a different Claret and Blue. Villa are not the big club he would be hoping to join as Player of the Year. And Liverpool? Clarke likes him so perhaps the Reds will stump up the cash and lend us a couple of their promising kids as part of the deal.

Meanwhile, we are paying Parker £80k a week whilst he prepares to play 90 minutes for England, something he hasn't managed for West Ham for some little time. Brilliant.

West Ham Line Up First Summer Marque Signing

West Ham are about to shock the football world by announcing that they have secured the services of Kolo Toure on loan for the first month of the 2011-12 season.

A source close to David Sullivan said: "This is a major coup and illustrates to West Ham's great fans that the club are targeting an instant return to the Premiership. It also highlights the fantastic job that Mr Sullivan and Mr Gold are doing in running the club and is further evidence of their eye for a great bargain in the transfer market."

The deal involves West Ham paying Toure's wages over the summer and through the month of August before he returns to Manchester City on the first of September!

Thursday, 26 May 2011

Sullivan Admits West Ham Target Has Turned Down Manager's Job

Fantastic! The gobby one has struck again, apparently announcing that the job has already been offered to one target, who turned it down, and now has been offered to somebody else who looks likely to say no too!

So anybody else who might have been interested will now know that they are the third choice!

Grant was the first choice and look how they treated him, so God only knows what backing a third choice candidate would receive! Appoint him on Thursday, interview for a replacement on the Friday!

Unless, of course, this is a smoke screen, enabling Sullivan and Gold to appoint a cheap third rate no mark based on no other viable candidates being willing to take the job! Are they really that duplicitous? Stupid question!

It feels more and more like Dowie to me!

It's Dowie!

Oh dear God, I wrote this last week:

"So, no foreigners then and, to avoid a repeat mistake, we had better not recruit a Catholic or a Jew. So, we are after a Protestant Brit who understands West Ham's culture. There's only one man for the job then. He's available and, crucially, he is cheap and needs a job and even Sullivan will look handsome standing alongside him. Put your money on Dowie everybody!"

But it was a joke! Honest, it was a joke! But now Dowie has thrown his hat into the ring, declaring he wants the job and, given he fits Sullivan's Person Spec so perfectly, I reckon he may just be appointed! Let's face it, Ancelotti and Keen apart, nobody else has said they fancy the post, and the Italian's comments were surely only designed to raise eyebrows higher than his own!

Dear God, if appointed, it would be the only time in his lifetime when somebody could say of Dowie, "His face fits"!

Wednesday, 25 May 2011

West Ham Holding on to Damaged Goods!

It's all beginning to make perfect sense! We all wondered why Hitzlspurger agreed to join us and now, it transpires, he failed a bloody medical! Brilliant. So when Sullivan and Gold bemoan their luck regarding Hitz's injury, they're talking about the bad luck a gambler has in a casino when he puts all his money on the number 7 and the ball falls in one of the other slots! Bad luck? Bollocks, they were just trying to do it all on the cheap.

So, we signed Ba after he failed a medical and, as a result, we may be able to hold on to him next season, and the same applies to the German. Critics of Grant argue that he was backed by the Board. Oh yes? For the big kick off they signed a Panzer Tank with a knackered caterpillar track, a Taco Bell employee of the month masquerading as a Mexican international, a lumbering Israeli to translate for Grant in the dressing room, a New Zealand footballer plying his trade in the Danish league, Blackburn's reserve right back (who actually wasn't signed in time for the season's start), Piquionne who was relegated with Portsmouth the season before and Obinna, another bit of Inter jetsam with the same shit hallmark as Jimenez.

Talk about "Never mind the quality, feel the width"! Clearly when Sullivan and Gold go into the "transfer market", they pop along to Queens Market and look out for a dodgy geezer with a suitcase!

"Psst. I've got a Maori with 'Danish' tattooed on his arse. Very little up front, stage payments if he plays, and you can tell the fans you've bought a World Cup star! And talking of which, I have this little Mexican chappie. Absolute spit of the real player. Speaks no English except 'Have a nice day' which he learnt working for Taco Bell. Nothing up front, stage payments based on games. If you can ever sell him, all the money goes back to Taco Bell. And look, a great big Jew. Real kosher stuff, born in the Promised Land no less, just like Jesus. Nothing up front, just pay his wages. Oh and look, here's a guy with a silly name and a silly haircut. On the books of Inter no less. Top notch crap this one. Nothing up front, just pay his wages and who knows, at the end of the season when he leaves Inter on a free, you might decide to sign him. Now, what else is in my suitcase? You'll like this one. Big and black just like your top selling dildo. Price tag of a million but Premiership experience."

"You want a what? A right back? Difficult one. Leave that with me, I'll see what I can pick up when I go Up North in a couple of weeks. OK if he is slow, short and useless? I can pick one up on the cheap like that. Nice doing business with you governor, but I have to rush, here comes the market inspector!"

Manchester Hammer Comes In From The Cold

(Kev from Manchester went on strike, refusing to read or listen to anything about West Ham after the 3-0 hammering at Bolton. He has now awoken from his end of season hibernation and reflects....)

OK, my strike is over. I did really well and would have made it to the end of the season in ignorance had the TV news headlines last Sunday not flashed up our relegation before I found the remote. Of course it was an almost entirely pointless, self-indulgent act of rage - I say ‘almost’ because I did manage to park West Ham’s woes way in the back of my mind for about three weeks, which made for a few more pleasant weekends that I would have experienced otherwise.

Apropos HF’s articles of analysis: In any sport where scoring is a rarity luck plays a proportionately higher role in the outcome. So, in basketball or rugby union or cricket, a really good team will almost always wipe the floor with a very poor one. It is part of the appeal of football that odds are always narrower than in either of the above sports.

Bad luck, however, is always a hard sell because it is difficult to personalise. It feels more satisfying, and offers a clear focus for one’s rage, if you can identify a living target(s) as opposed to railing at a fuzzy concept - which isn’t to say that mistakes were not made or that too many of the players were a disgrace to the moniker ‘professional’ – but I do believe that a series of random events, dumb fortunes, unlucky breaks, call it what you will – contributed more than to our paltry points total a little more than most fans would grant (ho-ho)

Had we survived I am certain that Grant’s blunderings would have still born bitter fruit. I don’t buy his excuse that he was not sufficiently well supported. He’s just not a very good manager- many suspected that was the case when he was at Portsmouth but were prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt as a result of his cup runs, in which obviously luck plays an even bigger role.

I am sure he would make a fine Play Station manager, as would we all, trouble is when it comes to organising flesh and blood something else is called for. It is an alchemy that is more profound than the ability to motivate, communicate, to handle pressure or to assert oneself; it is all of those things and more. The best we can say is we know it when we see it and in Grant it was absent.

As for Gold and Sullivan and Brady; bosses are there to take the big decisions. When they don’t pay off they are accountable and they dropped two clangers; appointing Grant and then failing to sack him. As for mouthing off in the press; I don’t care; if I had paid out £20 million and then watched a bunch of overpaid malingerers go through the motions I’d slag them too and wouldn’t care who knew.

Also it’s becoming tiresome to read critics constantly sniggering about how they made their money. I’m just grateful they had it to invest when there was a chance we would be going out of business. Now I know people will say what about Tony Fernandez but we know sod all for sure about him, except that West Ham lie third in his business priorities after airlines and motorcars. He may have been the gift horse but it’s pointless to speculate.

The other big decision of the last year was the Olympic stadium and I think they got that right. It’s added a notional value to the club without which our creditors would be less understanding. I could have this horrendously wrong but I think in the end it will make us a bigger club that Tottenham.

Then there are the players; as you point out our relegation rivals have been by and large fighting for their footballing lives since January and I’m pleased Wolves stayed up; they are a well-run club with a committed manager who showed the required gumption under pressure again and again. Like you I mourn Blackpool – I’d rather Blackburn and their ridiculous chicken farmers took the drop.

What struck me though was how on paper their squads ought not to have been a patch on ours. Now, are footballers like musicians- without a conductor they lack direction and tend to chaos? Or can we reasonably expect chaps who have played what is in essence a simple game all their born days and are, by and large, millionaires many times over, to have it within themselves to compensate for failures of their manager? I just don’t know.

I suppose it is all in the mix and while we had some good players, the legacy of all the differing transfer policies and purchases and , from what I understand no cogent wage structure - from Curbs onwards rendered the team unmanageable- at least by Grant.

A single crisis - most clubs can cope with but honestly for the last five seasons West Ham have been staggering around like a punch drunk fighter in search of the ropes for respite. Many of our woes were self- inflicted, others – the injuries to Ashton, Hitz and even Collinson; the banking crisis were not. It is scary though that after such a losing streak G&S will soon be called upon to take the decision that will shape the next season - the choice of manager; let’s hope they don’t cock it up.

(Submitted by Kev from Manchester)

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

KUMB Catching Up Regarding Parker!

So KUMB have written an article admitting that Parker may be part of the problem and saying that selling him might be a blessing in disguise. Only 12 months behind this blog!

As I have always maintained, retaining Parker was a terrible mistake; he should have been sold and the proceeds used to strengthen the team where we were weak.

KUMB come out with some psycho babble in support of their argument but what it boils down to is that Parker was Billy Big Boots at West Ham - as I always maintained - and that the team would have been better off without him had the Board, management and fans looked just half an inch beneath the surface.

Player of the Year? Yeah, player of the year in a team that finished bottom. Tell me, could we have finished any lower had we cashed in on Parker and looked at Plan B? Because Plan A, involving putting all the eggs in the Parker basket didn't work last season did it, so why, exactly, would it work this?

If it IS broke, don't ignore it!

999 Emergency at the Boleyn Today

Locals gathered anxiously at the gates of the Boleyn today when an ambulance arrived, sirens blaring. Had David Gold suffered a relapse? But all was well, it was simply transportation for Dyer after he was released on a free transfer!

We would have survived if Zola hadn't been sacked!

(Submitted by Stani Army)

So we have it, the long awaited GrantaZola dossier…sorry, index. Long awaited because HF had to find some way to skew the outcome and Alastair Campbell is a very busy man.

Don’t believe his garbage about it being harder to avoid the drop this season. Firstly, as I have told HF many times before, there are two many variables to be able to compare the strength of leagues from different seasons.

Secondly, I would like to particularly address the following he wrote:
1) “Want the proof of this logic, it is easy. Assume three teams are so weak that they lose to every other team and draw all their matches with each other. All three of these teams end up on 4 points. By virtue of beating these three teams, the side finishing fourth from bottom survive even if they lose every other game! So a club survives on 18 points beating only the three useless, winless teams at the bottom, and survive by a massive 14 points! Now 18 points would ordinarily guarantee bottom place! And that is why Zola's team survived and Grant's didn't. Zola's side beat Hull, Burnley and Portsmouth at home and drew away to Hull and Portsmouth. That was 11 points taken from the three hopeless teams at the bottom. And only with the aid of these gimme points did his side survive. Sadly, Newcastle, West Brom and Blackpool were made of
altogether sterner stuff, and that was our undoing.”

“Assume three teams are so weak that they lose to every other team and draw all their matches with each other. All three of these teams end up on 4 points. By virtue of beating these three teams, the side finishing fourth from bottom survive even if they lose every other game”…This did not happen and so cannot be used for the point you’re trying to make. The reality was far more complex and unpredictable than that. We lost points to strong teams that the relegated teams took points off, for example. Your example doesn’t apply. It just highlights the variables and how you cannot compare.

Also, why are you not using the three promoted teams (from the season before) and their strength when talking about Zola’s season (Portsmouth and Hull were already in the league), yet you are using the three promoted teams and their strength when talking about Grant’s season? Why? Because if you used the three promoted teams when talking about Zola’s season (Wolves, Birmingham and Burnley), you will find that we took just 9 points off them, which is 2 LESS than we took off the three promoted teams in Grant’s season, thus meaning the promoted teams in Zola’s season were stronger and made the league stronger!

Of course one thing that totally contradicts HF’s claims that it was harder to avoid the drop this season, is that we were also stronger, so why did we not compete? Why were we 6 points off 2nd from bottom – the joint 2nd biggest points difference between any two placed teams in the league? Why were we so far off with such a good squad? But you see talking about this would highlight Grant’s total lack of management skills. How much did Grant spend HF? He had a full pre-season to look at the weaknesses and address them right? He had the support of the board from the beginning of his appointment (until they realised) right? They backed him in January right? Look at our team. Pundits that spoke about our relegation said that with our team we should not be where we ended up, and they are saying that with all things considered i.e the strength of the league’s other teams!!! Your argument is in tatters just on that point!

So whilst you mention other pundits saying the three teams relegated this season would have stayed up last season, why do you not mention them also saying that there is no way we should be getting relegated this season with the team we have? Why? Because it cancels your ‘harder to avoid the drop’ point out, it overrides it because it is THE most important point. WE HAD GOOD ENOUGH PLAYERS TO STAY UP! But there was one common denominator - the common denominator that also took a team down last season - and that’s Avram Grant.

Speaking of January, when Grant brought in players that would walk into half the top 10 sides; can you tell us why Grant did worse after January HF? The first game our first January signing played in was on the 25th January. Let’s examine how well Grant did before this period when we were weaker (without the signings), and after this period, when we were stronger (with the new signings). He gained an average of 0.9 points per game without and before the new January signings. With the new January signings he managed just 0.8 points per game! Why did we get fewer points when Grant was supposed to have better players at his disposal? Remarkably, as an advantage to your argument and to Grant, this ‘after January’ period also includes the return of Hitz from injury, so we should have been even stronger! But no!

Fact is, Zola kept us up and Grant did not. And the most fitting thing is the picture HF has used. In his haste to choose an image which showed Grant in front of Zola – so as to represent Grant’s superiority - HF tripped himself up. Because that picture comes from the game we beat Grant’s Portsmouth – A WIN WHICH LIFTED US OUT OF THE BOTTOM THREE. How fitting. A great choice HF, because that picture is symbolic of everything!"

(The title is mine because it will have more impact on the Newsnow Board. The rest is Stani's. Even the bloody picture!)

Robbie Keane to Meet Obama!

Somebody had better warn Obama in advance, or we are likely to have an international incident. When the Irishman doesn't shake the President's proffered hand, it won't be intentional, it's simply that Robbie always misses the target from a yard out!

Monday, 23 May 2011

GrantaZola Index Proves Grant Superior to Zola!

So here we have it, the long awaited GrantaZola Index, published in full. All along, I have maintained that Grant inherited a mess and that, of the two, he was the better manager. True I was forced to accept the lesser of two evils but, nevertheless, better than his disastrous predecessor.

But hang on, I can hear the piglets squealing at the back of the barn, how does that work then? We ended up with more points last season and avoided the drop, whereas this season we have finished rock bottom. Well, as Lineker pointed out, all three teams relegated this season would have stayed up with their points totals last season. The fact is, as I have maintained all season, that it was harder to avoid the drop this season because the three teams who came up were much stronger than the three teams who went down. 38 points is usually enough to survive, but two teams went down with 39 points this season!

Want the proof of this logic, it is easy. Assume three teams are so weak that they lose to every other team and draw all their matches with each other. All three of these teams end up on 4 points. By virtue of beating these three teams, the side finishing fourth from bottom survive even if they lose every other game! So a club survives on 18 points beating only the three useless, winless teams at the bottom, and survive by a massive 14 points! Now 18 points would ordinarily guarantee bottom place!

And that is why Zola's team survived and Grant's didn't. Zola's side beat Hull, Burnley and Portsmouth at home and drew away to Hull and Portsmouth. That was 11 points taken from the three hopeless teams at the bottom. And only with the aid of these gimme points did his side survive. Sadly, Newcastle, West Brom and Blackpool were made of altogether sterner stuff, and that was our undoing.

So compare the results of Grant's team against the sides that Zola's team played last season and the final points tally is Grant 27 and Zola 21. There is a 3 point anomaly because Grant had gone before we played Sunderland.

Don't believe me? Here's the head by head outcome:

Wolves A Zola 3 Grant 1

Spurs H Zola 0 Grant 3

Blackburn A Zola 1 Grant 1

Wigan A Zola 0 Grant 0

Liverpool H Zola 0 Grant 3

Bolton A Zola 0 Grant 0

Man City A Zola 0 Grant 0

Fulham H Zola 1 Grant 1

Stoke A Zola 0 Grant 1

Arsenal H Zola 1 Grant 0

Sunderland A Zola 1 Grant 0

Villa H Zola 3 Grant 0

Everton H Zola 0 Grant 1

Birmingham A Zola 0 Grant 1

Chelsea H Zola 1 Grant 0

Tottenham A Zola 0 Grant 1

Villa A Zola 1 Grant 0

Blackburn H Zola 1 Grant 1

Birmingham H Zola 3 Grant 0

Bolton H Zola 0 Grant 0

Chelsea A Zola 0 Grant 0

Arsenal A Zola 0 Grant 0

Wolves H Zola 0 Grant 3

Stoke H Zola 0 Grant 3

Everton A Zola 1 Grant 1

Liverpool A Zola 0 Grant 0

Wigan H Zola 3 Grant 3

Fulham A Zola 0 Grant 3

Man City H Zola 1 Grant 0

Total:   Zola 21    Grant 27

So there you have it, conclusive proof. Grant's points total would have kept us up last season anyway. Zola only kept us up because Burnley, Hull and Portsmouth were so weak, proved by the inability of any of them to finish in the top 6 of this season's Championship. Yes Grant proved to be a cnut but not as much of a cnut as the cnut he followed!

Scott Parker Fit For England!

Scott Parker Soccer player Jamie Redknapp and his wife Louise Redknapp pictured on a night out at the Nobu Berkley restaurant in London. Louise was sporting a see through top showing off her slimming figure after having recently given birth.

Interesting. Parker hasn't been fit enough to participate properly in our battle for survival, yet magically he is available to join up with the England squad for the game against Switzerland.

Anybody think that's strange? Anybody see a link between Parker getting that call up for the Wales game and his unavailability for his club subsequently? Anybody think it worrying that it took Gold's intervention to stop Parker playing against Ghana; Parker, it seems was willing to risk aggravating that injury to cement his England place?

Has Super Scotty, Mr West Ham, been looking after himself over the past month, putting his international ambitions above his club duties? If he starts against the Swiss, that's certainly the way it will look to me.

"How do you fancy playing against Wigan Scott?"
"A run out for 25 minutes would be useful to tune me up."
"And the Sunderland game?"
"Wouldn't want to start. But given I have to turn up to collect the award, perhaps I could stretch my legs for 30 minutes, just to prove to Mr Capello that I'm available for selection."

Mr West Ham? Yeah!

It's Ryan Giggs Playing Away!

And doesn't he look good in that away kit?

West Ham's Survival Sunday of Shame

Ryan Giggs Jonathan Spector of West Ham United brings down Ryan Giggs of Manchester United to concede a penalty during the Barclays Premier League match between Manchester United and West Ham United at Old Trafford on August 28, 2010 in Manchester, England.
Yesterday said it all. It as one of the most thrilling afternoon's of football in the history of the game, with five teams scrapping to save their Premiership lives, and West Ham were not only not involved in the drama, they showed up as lambs to the slaughter for a home fixture with a very, very, very ordinary Sunderland team.

I don't like Birmingham, but they fought all the way at Tottenham and a couple of mins from the end, so nearly took the lead and saved themselves. Their need to win the game was their undoing in the very final second of the match.

I don't like Blackburn, but their first half performance against Wolves was inspired given the pressure and the fact that a point saved them.

I do like Blackpool but thought they were a joke shop team, a pub side drafted in as Premiership whipping boys for a season; I couldn't have been more wrong. They went to Old Trafford and matched a strong Man Utd team for 73 minutes, taking playing for the shirt to new levels of determination. Their relegation is sad.

I have a regard for Wigan. Let's face it, they are Blackpool with knobs on. I've seen them play non league football in my lifetime. Their style of play is refreshing and they did what very few teams have done, they won at Stoke City.

And as for Wolves, at 3-0 down and with results going against them, they were dead and buried, but what a second half performance and what fantastic goals to save themselves! I like Mick McCarthy, always have since that Roy Keane business, and I was pleased to see him escape.

And what did all those teams have in common. Each of their players had more desire in his little toe over that 90 minutes than our entire squad has displayed over the whole course of this season. Yesterday was a day of shame for West Ham. The fans of Birmingham and Blackpool should still feel proud; they were unlucky to go down.

Sunday, 22 May 2011

Sincere Apologies to Blackpool and Holloway

I have called them a pub team all season. I have mocked them. I have maintained all year that they would go down. But, I tell you what, they go down with their heads held high. That performance at Man Utd said everything about them. To have survived in the Prem until the 73rd minute of the final game, and then only to go behind to a cruel own goal, is a fantastic tribute to not only the spirit of the team but to their ability too.

Last season, Blackpool would have survived. In fact 39 points keep you up most seasons. They took 6 points off Liverpool and 4 points off Spurs. They led Man Utd 2-0 at home and 2-1 at Old Trafford. And they have scored more goals than any team relegated in the history of the premier League. What a fantastic effort!

We don't want them to do well next season of course but we have to pay tribute to them. Unlike our shower of shit, they played with courage, heart and skill all season long. Respect!

What Hammersfan Got Right!

I said months back when they were bottom that Wolves were too good to go down. And so it has proved.

I said Blackburn had accumulated too many points to be sucked down. And so it has proved.

I said 40 points was the minimum requirement to stay up. And so it has proved.

After their League Cup victory, I warned Birmingham might pay a heavy price for that triumph. And so it has proved.

I said throughout the season that Blackpool would go down. And so it has proved.

I said before Christmas that we would go down. And so it has proved.

And I said that Grant was not the reason. 0-3 at home to Sunderland. Blame that one on Grant guys!

Chin Up Luton!

Poor old Luton Town, the fans must feel the gods are against them. The image of Pleat skipping down the touchline in joy is one of the most enduring in football (almost as enduring as Pleat crawling along the kerb in a red light district!), and Luton were badly screwed over by dodgy directors and a brutal and unfair points deduction.

It is a long climb back for a team that once punched above its weight in the top division and yesterday was meant to be the first in a series of mountains conquered. But wouldn't you know it, the Horror Story that is Luton Town found themselves pitched against the Fairy Tale Story that is AFC Wimbledon. And Fate even dealt the cards to deny the Hatters an appearance at Wembley!

There was only ever going to be one winner yesterday wasn't there? Luton fans must be feeling very down today but Crawley are out of the way and AFC's magical mystery tour continues somewhere in the clouds, so next year can be Luton's season.

I'm backing and supporting the Hatters next year. When the pain dies, recognise that AFC are good for football, dust yourselves down and look forward to glory next season!

Sullivan Says No To Chelsea Failure Ancelotti

Desperate to find work or so in love with London that he doesn't want to leave the city, Carlo Ancelotti has thrown his eyebrow into the ring and said he would be happy to manage West Ham. Well that is a slight exaggeration. What he has done is avoid causing upset to our fans by saying , "You must be joking, why would I work for a club like that with my record?"

There was clearly an element of thinking aloud, and when Carlo is thinking in Italian and speaking in English, eyebrows are always likely to be raised. It's all very well him saying, "I would coach West Ham" but he does follow it with "Why not?" When he thinks about the squad, the shortage of funds, Sullivan, Gold & Brady, he will find an answer to that question pretty quickly.

Not that he's going to have a chance of course. Sullivan has already made it clear that Jolly Foreigners with their Flash Carlo ideas - especially about spending money - are not welcome at West Ham. We want a Brit and Carlo aint a Brit. Sullivan's had an Italian and he was crap. He's had an Israeli and he was crap. So all foreigners are crap. Got it? Good.

So Carlo can bloody well bugger off. Lower wages? We aint going to pay him any wages at all. And just picture the scene, when Sullivan tells Ancelotti he aint good enough for West Ham: that eyebrow will go into orbit!

Mind you, here's a thought. Carlo would be a perfect fit for Tottenham and if 'Arry were sacked...

Saturday, 21 May 2011

Congratulations to AFC Wimbledon!

Here we are, licking our wounds because of relegation and feeling sorry for ourselves, but if we need any inspiration, we should look to AFC Wimbledon, rising Phoenix like from the ashes, securing 5 promotions in 8 years, and claiming a place in the Football League today!

What a journey, what a story, what a REAL football club! You can stuff Man City and Chelsea, AFC Wimbledon are what football is about, a proper team loyal to the local area!

Years ago, I watched the old Wimbledon playing at Yeovil in the Southern League. We won the game 3-1 and a guy called Dickie Plumb, who went to Charlton for a season or two with Cyril Davies, shoulder charged Dickie Guy, the Wimbledon keeper, into the net. Guy went absolutely ape when the goal was awarded, it literally took all his team mates and half the Yeovil team to stop him assaulting the referee and at the end of the game, he chased the bastard in the black down the tunnel!

From there, Wimbledon went on to great things. The Cup runs, promotion to the league, the climb up the table, Vinnie Jones, Dennis Wise and the whole crazy gang, and, of course, that incredible Cup Final victory over Liverpool. And then the betrayal, moving to Purgatory on Earth, Milton Keynes. Cue the formation of AFC!

Had Luton been playing anybody else today, I would have been in the Hatters' camp because they were treated shoddily with the points deduction and I've scored a goal at Kenilworth Road so feel a certain affection for them, but the real story today was AFC and the whole of football should celebrate their success. Well done guys for showing there is a God in football after all!

Brilliant Article By Des Kelly in The Mail!

As a rule, I don't have much time for Des Kelly but this article is very good indeed. Apologies to The Mail for lifting it but as they have had a couple of my headlines in the past, I don't feel too guilty! The article is reproduced in full below!

"They gave him a brand new office you know. It had a desk, a chair, some different coloured biros and a fancy laptop gizmo that worked out how far his players had run and how much Kentucky Fried Chicken Benni McCarthy had eaten.

Even then, Avram Grant couldn’t hack it. West Ham handed him all the paper clips his heart desired, yet he was still unable to save the club. Relegation was his fault entirely.

That’s the line chief executive Karren Brady was peddling in her unique take on events this week. Her verdict could essentially be summed up as one long denial. Of everything

Having read her account I could only feel relieved Brady’s attempt to write history is confined to West Ham. If she had been asked to review something more significant, like the assassination of John F Kennedy for instance, she may have blamed JFK for putting his head in the way of the bullet.

Stung by accusations that the Hammers were ‘the worst-run club’, Brady declared everyone in a position of authority at the Boleyn Ground should be exonerated from blame, except the hapless Grant.

She claimed: ‘Avram’s personal needs were met: a driver, a new office and an upgraded, expensive analysis system. He was given every chance, but was sadly unable to deliver.’

Let us leave aside the rather unsettling reference to Grant’s ‘personal needs’, since past reports suggest they might involve a good rub-down at a massage parlour and that is not an image to dwell upon unless you intend to keep the lights on for the rest of your life.

Instead, we will concentrate on the merits of the blame-shifting exercise currently underway. For although managers are often cast as the patsy, sometimes it is the people that put them there who should be called to account.

Without straying too far into territory more familiar to David Gold and David Sullivan, the Hammers board is currently in more denial than a teenage boy caught by their mother with a top-shelf magazine.

Seriously, who cares whether Brady and Co gave Grant an office? The fundamental problem was they gave him a job!

Three supposedly streetwise business operators handed the club they had poured their money into over to a gloomy Gollum of a boss who was always likely to guide them down the plughole. I am not speaking with the benefit of hindsight here. At the start of the season I predicted West Ham would be relegated.

In August, when most were sure they had a squad more than capable of staying up, I warned: ‘West Ham will suffer the consequences of appointing a manager who bows to the bungling interference of the owners.’

And so it came to pass. This is a club hierarchy that loves to say who should and shouldn’t be bought, allowing their favourite agent to pull the strings, only to squeal the Press when the whole enterprise goes boobs up.

We hear tales of one boardroom figure entering the dressing room to tell players how to defeat Stoke and there are reports of how a busy agent boasts he has effectively replaced the sacked chief scout.

West Ham’s triumvirate handed Grant the manager’s job because he was malleable. He didn’t mind agents going direct to members of the board, he kept quiet when know-it-alls stuck an oar in on tactics.

‘We don’t hide our success as businessmen, or that we came from humble beginnings,’ said Brady, with a distinct lack of anything that could be described as humble. But they seem to have been doing a good job of hiding that success as businessmen of late.

Brady took particular exception to descriptions of the Hammers’ £275-a-head, end-of-season bash. She insisted it was ‘certainly not a party’ at all, but a ‘Gala Evening’, which sounded very highfalutin, la-de-dah Gunner Graham. So I looked up the definition of the word gala. It said: ‘A festive occasion, especially a lavish social event or celebration. Characterised by sumptuous social pleasure, as in “the gala life of the very rich”.’ So I think we can say it was a party then, albeit an ill-timed and miserable one.

Brady was not the only boardroom figure talking, however. Gold was interviewed as soon as Sky could dispatch a camera to his house and claimed he always found everything was ‘very professional’ at the training ground. This contrasted somewhat with the view of Lee Dixon, a fine player and a pundit who knows what he’s talking about. When he visited training he used a different word. ‘Shambles’.

There may have been more of the customary stuff from Gold about those ‘humble beginnings’, but I confess I wasn’t listening because I was too busy wondering why his helicopter wasn’t in the back of the shot like it usually is.

Sullivan, the last of the three amigos, offered his alibis to another tabloid and, to be fair, he did say Grant’s appointment was ‘a bad selection by the board’. But then he added: ‘I confidently predict that this time next year, we’ll all be millionaires!’ Apologies, what he actually said was: ‘I confidently predict that this time next year, we’ll be back in the Premier League,’ but for some reason I couldn’t get Del Boy’s version out of my head.

There is little evidence to suggest West Ham’s hope of making an immediate return to the top flight is any more likely to succeed than one of the Trotters’ money-making schemes."

Keen's Team for Sunderland

Last week was the final chapter of one West Ham book and tomorrow is either the epilogue to that story or the preface of a sequel.

Noises coming out of Keen are promising. His record as a manager aint great of course. He took charge of one game between Turds flouncing off and Zola being appointed. We lost that game, 2-3 at West Brom and the Baggies finished bottom that season. So a 100% record of the worst possible kind! Even Zola and Grant have better win ratios than that!

However, I like Keen. He was under rated as a player and scored the best goal I have ever seen scored by a player in a West Ham shirt, curling in a shot from almost on the goal line from an area half way between the edge of the penalty box and corner flag. It wasn't a fluke either! And I like the way he is talking now. How refreshing it would have been to hear Zola or Grant say, "but God we have had a shit season, haven't we?"

According to a report in the Mail, young Tombides is going to be on the bench and it sounds like there will be more adventure in the selection when Keen says, 'I am sure the majority (of the fans), with the team I am picking, will be behind us and want us to get a win.'

So who will be in that team? My money is on the following line-up, injuries permitting:


Spence, Tomkins, da Costa, Bridge

Barerra, Spector, Hitz, Collison

Ba, Sears

Like that, the primary underachievers, the players the fans hold most responsible for our relegation, after Grant of course, will not feature. Piquionne, Cole, Upson and Keane, in particular, could be guaranteed a rough ride if they turned up and Faubert and Dyer probably aren't even reporting for training / treatment, never mind expecting selection. It is possible that Obinna will feature if the club still cherish hopes of signing him on a Bosman but the chances of that happening seem slight now we have been relegated.

Looking at that proposed team, there is hope for next season. Even if Hitz goes, we still have Noble to slot in to midfield and then there are Stanislas, Tombides, Piquionne and maybe Hines to add. That assumes we keep Ba of course!

Friday, 20 May 2011

Kovac Slams Grant

So there's no love lost between Radislav and Avram then. The Czech has fired off a broadside, claiming Grant had a squad good enough to finish in the top 10 and blaming the Israeli for our relegation.

Of course Kovac is bitter. He was on his way to Stoke before the Hitz injury, and then Grant refused to sanction the deal. That would have been okay, of course, had Kovac not spent the whole season rotting in the reserves or keeping the bench warm.

And there's the rub. Even Grant's most vociferous critics have no time for Kovac. If there's one thing Grant got right all season, in the eyes of most Hammers fans, it was ignoring Kovac.

Radislav now wants out. The question is, who would be stupid enough to take him?

Redknapp Rips it out of Defoe

Very funny to listen to 'Arry laying into Judas. Old Twitcher didn't pull any punches, telling the little shit to put up or shut up. If Defoe wants to play, he has to score. But the laugh out loud bit came with 'Arry's response to Defoe's objection to playing in the Europa League.

'Arry joked, "He can have Thursdays off then. Maybe he is busy on Thursdays so we will have to organise ourselves around that one." He then added tellingly, "If he is still here".

That nailed it for me, Defoe is out of the revolving door this summer as Redknapp wheels and deals, exploiting Newcastle's desperation for a strike force. I can see Defoe teamed up with either Kenwyne or Cole at the Barcodes ready for the start of next season, with possibly Ba recruited to replace Judas at Spurs.

Alternatively, 'Arry may go the whole hog and ship out both Crouch and Defoe to Newcastle - they do seem to come and go as a pair - and recruit Kenwyne and Ba as their replacements at White Hart Lane, with Tottenham pocketing a profit from the deal.

And Kenwyne's replacement at Stoke? Well Pulis fancied Cole last summer didn't he? Perhaps Fuller will head to Upton Park as part of another merry go round.

Thursday, 19 May 2011

West Ham's Relegation Down To Sheer Bad Luck!

Now calm down everybody. This is the first in a series of articles exploring why exactly we crashed out of the Premiership this season. I will look at different theories and explanations, some of which will overlap inevitably, and then try to tie all the threads together and reach a final conclusion. So, this is the Bad Luck argument.

Most would cite the injury to Hitzlspurger as the first cruel blow to strike West Ham and Avram, with that terrible injury ruling him out until February; and the loss of our summer marque signing was certainly a kick in the club's solar plexus. Pre season had gone so well and the club had found a winning groove, with Hitz, by all accounts, playing a prominent role. Amazingly, not only was he recalled to the Germany squad, he was named captain! A West Ham player captaining Germany! Boy had we landed a prime catch! And then...well we know what happened from there, and right on the eve of the season! Tell me, how many points would Blackpool have now if Adam had been absent until February?

And, of course, international duty was to strike again, ruling Parker out of key games after he won his belated call up for England. Did he stay on the pitch for too long, anxious about his England future if he made an early exit? He hasn't been the same player since and missed vital games against Villa, Blackburn and the bulk of the Wigan game. Nine points from those three games instead of one would have seen us safe. The Parker for England drum bangers amongst West Ham fans may just have cost us our place in the Premiership.

If we are looking for bad luck, we also have to cite the disallowed Piquionne goal at Wolves. Last kick of the match, literally, and three points were reduced to one, with Wolves gifted a point. Add an extra two points to our tally and take one off Wolves and we would still be down, but who knows what effect that win might have had on the morale of the team? Then, of course, there was the sending off of Piquionne at Everton for celebrating what we all hoped would be the winner. Two more points from that game and this weekend would still be interesting. And crucially there was the failure to send off Vidic at Upton Park when we were still two goals to the good. Three points there along with the confidence surge resulting from victory over the Champions elect, and I honestly don't think we would have gone down. There were other controversial decisions along the way, but those were three HUGE calls and all three were dreadful errors by the referees concerned.

But the worst luck we suffered, I would argue, happened off the pitch and before the season kicked off. What buggered us for the entire season was the fixture list. As soon as we saw an opening round of games that read Villa away, Bolton at home, Man Utd away and Chelsea at home, we knew we were in trouble, and to make matters worse, Villa parted company with O'Neill and the team went out to try to secure the job for a back room guy they loved. Yes Reid had a mare. Yes Green was hopeless. Yes the team selection was awful. But Villa hit us like a tsunami that day and only the very best would have avoided a pasting. And after that, who could see us getting anything from Bolton, Man Utd and Chelsea, our bogey team followed by the Premiership bully boys? Not many teams recover from a position of zero points from 4 games at the start of the season; the tone is set and you are in permanent catch up mode. And so it proved.

The truth is, we shafted Lady Luck remorselessly during the Great Escape (That goal at Blackburn, Big Sam leaving Bolton on the eve of our game with them, Arsenal missing fifty million chances at their place, Johnson limping off inside the first 15 minutes in our game against Everton and United banking the title before we played them in the last game of the season) and Lady Luck strapped on one of the Davids' toys and returned the compliment this year.

Avram didn't relegate us, Fate had our number and exacted pay back; and boy were we buggered!

Wednesday, 18 May 2011

Avram Caught In Red Light Area

Speaking to friends, Avram has claimed that several "red lights" had warned him just how difficult the West Ham job would be due to a lack of finance for players.

It's puzzling how, exactly, massage parlour whores might have known about the club's finances - unless they worked for Sullivan and Gold to supplement their earnings of course.

Either way, it seems that Avram may have misunderstood what they meant when they said that he was welcome to go down but the whole experience might leave him with a bad taste in the mouth!

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

Yapping Lawton nibbles at Sullivan's ankle

I've just read Lawton's Open Letter to Sullivan in the Independent and I must say it lacks any real bite. I was expecting a pit bull style savaging and instead found only the pathetic yapping of a toy poodle.

James LawtonIf Lawton wants to attack Sullivan then he should hone in on the selling of the Boleyn, not the dismissal of a couple of managers in the space of 12 months. The point is, Grant's most savage critics argue that Sullivan and Gold invested sufficiently in the side for Grant to avoid relegation, and most of the "experts" acknowledge that we were "too good to go down". So Sullivan can hardly be blamed for our relegation nor for dismissing the man who most West Ham fans hold most accountable for it.

Zola failed as a manager; only the blinkered try to argue otherwise; and Grant failed too. And what do you do in football when managers fail? You sack them. Sullivan and Gold are hardly unique here. Indeed Lawton praises the West Brom chairman for offloading di Matteo when it became obvious to him that he lacked the necessary ability to keep the Baggies up.

It seems as if Lawton only understands one solution when a team starts to struggle - sack the manager and sack him quickly. So his logic seems to be that we would have stayed up had Grant been shown the door in January. Well, that didn't work for Hull last year did it? And at least two of Wolves, Birmingham, Wigan and Blackpool are going to survive this year, so sticking with the manager will work for two of them and maybe even three if Blackburn, who changed the manager, drop. So Lawton's logic is fundamentally flawed. And of course, had Lawton been in charge at Manchester United a couple of decades back, a certain Ferguson would have lost his job had his logic been applied!

Lawton's article rambles and betrays churlishness and intellectual snobbery. I hate that saying "You can't buy class" because the user of the phrase assumes he has it when he passes that judgement, and the very use of the cliche betrays a total lack of class. It is piss poor journalism and an insipid "attack".

Kids for a quid on Sunday?

Kids for a quid? Why is it only kids for a quid? Anybody stupid enough to turn up should be allowed in for a quid!

West Ham close in on replacement for Grant

So, with Sullivan announcing that West Ham will be recruiting a "British manager" who understands  the culture, a number of leading candidates have been ruled out. It seems that Jose Murinho has decided not to trade Madrid for East London and Pepe Guardiola has, for some reason best known to him, decided to stick it out at Barcelona, choosing to work with Messi over Spector; there's no accounting for taste!

Nor will Gus join us and even if Chelsea sack Ancelotti, he isn't heading East; nor will Wenger be tempted, or rather, if he is, he won't be considered. No, the bleedin' foreigners can bog off, Sullivan only wants a Brit. And who can blame him after Zola and Grant?

So, no foreigners then and, to avoid a repeat mistake, we had better not recruit a Catholic or a Jew. So, we are after a Protestant Brit who understands West Ham's culture. There's only one man for the job then. He's available and, crucially, he is cheap and needs a job and even Sullivan will look handsome standing alongside him. Put your money on Dowie everybody!

Tip from USA that O'Neill is West Ham's man!

I've been thinking. Not a good idea, I realize, but what better way to forget about the shite we've been asked to deal with than to dream stuff up?

Let us assume that SuGo actually realize they screwed up badly in hiring Grant. The Telegraph has an article that says he wasn't their first choice last summer anyway. The article says Bilic and McLaren turned them down. It also says Big Sam secretly agreed a deal in January but SuGo decided to stick with The Idiot (my new name for him) after O'Neill backed out. So Grant was clearly a back up plan not once, but twice.

They cannot afford to make that mistake again. They know that. While a Hughton or Dave Jones are capable, it won't accomplish certain things they are likely desperate for. Namely, good press and to rejuvenate the supporters. DiCanio would make a splash, but an inexperienced manager is also a risk they cannot take. Poyet? Good work with Brighton, but not worthy of a neon sign. Bilic? Supporters love him, but he's never managed at club level, has he?

While a big name manager will want a lot of money, the right appointment would likely create a surge in season ticket renewals and interest.


In fact, the right appointment could cause enough hope that even two years in the championship would not be considered unacceptable because there could be a feeling of finally building properly, in a way that could carry us into the OS on a high.


The right appointment could see us in the same light as Man City after they moved into their new digs, attracting a Zillionaire owner.

The right appointment is Martin O'Neill.

So for no other reason than I have zero to lose, I'm gonna PREDICT that he will join us.

(Article contributed by USA Dave)

Monday, 16 May 2011

Brady's Talks With McLaren Break Down

Enter Lady Brady
How now! what news?

Lady Brady
David has almost supp'd: why have you left the chamber?

Hath he ask'd for me?

Lady Brady
Know you not he has?

We will proceed no further in this business:
Football has honour'd me of late; and I have bought
Golden opinions from all sorts of people,
Which would be worn now in their newest gloss,
Not cast aside so soon.

Lady Brady
Was the hope drunk
Wherein you dress'd yourself? hath it slept since?
And wakes it now, to look so green and pale
At what it did so freely? From this time
Such I account thy love. Art thou afeard
To be the same in thine own act and valour
As thou art in desire? Wouldst thou have that
Which thou esteem'st the ornament of life,
And live a coward in thine own esteem,
Letting 'I dare not' wait upon 'I would,'
Like the poor cat i' the adage?

Prithee, peace:
I dare do all that may become a man;
Who dares do more is none.

LADY Brady
What beast was't, then,
That made you break this enterprise to me?
When you durst do it, then you were a man;
And, to be more than what you were, you would
Be so much more the man. Nor time nor place
Did then adhere, and yet you would make both:
They have made themselves, and that their fitness now
Does unmake you. I have given suck, and know
How tender 'tis to love the babe that milks me:
I would, while it was smiling in my face,
Have pluck'd my nipple from his boneless gums,
And dash'd the brains out, had I so sworn as you
Have done to this.

If we should fail?

LADY Brady
West Ham fail!
But screw your courage to the sticking-place,
And West Ham will not fail.

I am settled, and bend up
Each corporal agent against West Ham’s terrible feet.


All Hail McLaren thou shalt be king hereafter!

Is this a brolly which I see before me,
The handle toward my hand? Come, let me clutch thee.
I have thee not, and yet I see thee still.
Art thou not, fatal vision, sensible
To feeling as to sight? or art thou but
A brolly of the mind, a false creation,
Proceeding from the heat-oppressed brain?
I see thee yet, in form as palpable
As this which now I open.
Thou marshall'st me the way that I was going;
And such an instrument I was to use.
Mine eyes are made the fools o' the other senses,
Or else worth all the rest; I see thee still,
And on thy handle and dudgeon gouts of Avram's blood,
Which was not so before. There's no such thing:
It is the bloody business which informs
Thus to mine eyes. Now o'er the one halfworld
Nature seems dead, and wicked dreams abuse
The curtain'd sleep; witchcraft celebrates
Pale Brady's offerings, and wither'd murder,
Alarum'd by his sentinel, the wolf,
Whose howl's his watch, thus with his stealthy pace.
With Sullivan's ravishing strides, towards his design
Moves like a ghost. Thou sure and firm-set earth,
Hear not my Dutch accent, which verbs I mispronounce, for fear
Thy very stones prate of my whereabout,
And take the present horror from the time,
Which now suits with it. Whiles I threat, West Ham lives:
Words to the heat of deeds too cold breath gives.

(A phone rings)

I go, and it is done; this call invites me.
Hear it not, Hammers fans; for it is a knell
That summons thee to heaven or to hell.

Gold Plays The Scotty Card One Last Time

Absolutely pathetic to read Gold playing the Scotty card to excuse his poor decision making. He writes on Twitter:

"I honestly believed with the players we brought in in Jan + the imminent return of Hitzlsperger, we had done enough to pull clear of danger. I know that Scotty Parker shared that belief with me and we both had confidence that we would retain our Premiership status."

That reads to me like, "Please sir, Scotty told me to do it!"

Apart from the juvenile tone and the pally pally use of "Scotty", it makes you wonder who was making the management decisions and what exactly the lines of communication were. Did Gold miss Grant out and go straight to "Scotty" for his opinion?

Parker isn't even the captain for pity's sake!

Sunday, 15 May 2011

Sullivan & Gold's Master Plan Comes Closer to Fruition

They have all but secured the Olympic Stadium enabling them to redevelop Upton Park and pocket the proceeds - and West Ham fans have cheered this disgraceful betrayal of our heritage and unabashed act of asset stripping; they have engineered it so the tax payers in one of the poorest boroughs in the country are funding the move to the Olympic Stadium, the same tax payers who funded the building of the original stadium; and they have now engineered a position where they can slash and burn the playing staff and suppress the wage bill.

How can we be sure this isn't all part of a master plan?

Every West Ham Fan's Wish GRANTed!

I got it wrong. I said give him time. I said the mess left behind was to blame. Bollocks. This idiot Grant couldn't organise a cock up in a massage parlour! Let's face it, he can't even get himself up for it!

Today a team that wasn't too good to go down went down. But they went down because of inept team selection, inept tactics and non existent motivation. Look at how Blackpool, Wolves and Wigan have fought to try to save themselves and look at how this Grant "inspired" mob have rolled over and died.

Sack him? They should have bundled him into a coffin, screwed the lid down tight and buried him. I doubt he would have bloody noticed!

"I still think we can get out of this. We just need to believe in ourselves and stop making the mistakes. I have never believed we will go down. It will be difficult now but if we can pick up 5 points from the last game of the season. I am sorry, the lights seem to have gone out. Is it me or is it very stuffy in here? Well if you will excuse me, I think I will have a little snooze."

Wigan 3 West Ham 2 - What a shower of sh*t!

Truly disgraceful. Truly inept. Truly shameful. Life in the coffin? Yeah it was the rats scratching to get out, desperate not to be buried with the corpse of the club they have so disgracefully let down.

Doesn't that second half sum up everything about our pathetic team of gutless, spineless, brainless losers? 2-0 at half time against Wigan and they still contrive to lose 3-2!

Tell me, why have we only played for 45 minutes in any game this season?

Tell me, what exactly does Grant say to the team at half time?

Tell me, what the fcuk was Hines doing on the pitch in such a vital game? How useless was he, and inevitably his losing possession led to the first Wigan goal. And his crossing? Hopeless!

Tell me, why can't Green work out how to line up a wall to cover one side of the goal and then deal with a shot going in the direction we all know it is going in anyway?

Tell me, why did Green try to save that N'Zogbia free kick with both hands?

Tell me, if Parker is Player of the Year, why did he set N'Zogbia for a second free kick in exactly the same spot with yet another stupid mistimed tackle?

Tell me, why was N'Zogbia allowed to cut inside and score that third goal?

Tell me, why did Gabbidon sell himself so easily for the equaliser?

Tell me, why was Cole sent on when we desperately needed a winner?

No, you don't have to tell me, I know. They are hopeless. They are brainless. They are spineless. They are gutless. And they don't give a shit!

Fulham won at Birmingham, Fate gave us our chance and this bunch of disgraceful, incompetent, lame brained cnuts spat in Fate's face and offered up their collective arses for Destiny to bugger.

Let's hear Grant explain this one. I bet he claims the N'Zogbia's free kick shouldn't have been given. He would have a point, but the trouble is, Gabbidon should have seen red for a foul when the last man and Wigan played us off the park for the whole of the second half.

You make your own luck in this world, and this lot couldn't win if betting against a deaf and blind Irishman on an action replay.

Player Ratings: Green 5: Spence 4, Tomkins 5, Gabbidon 4, Bridge 6; Spector 6, Hitz 6, Collison 6, Hines 3, Piquionne 5, Ba 8 Subs: Parker 4, Cole 3

Dare we hope?

Dear God, there is a noise inside that coffin! There are fingers scratching against the wood. Is that the sound of a fist banging ever so gently?

Beware the Undertaker's half time talk. Beware a Birmingham second half fight back. Beware a shot count of 10 to Wigan already.

Beware the glow worm glimmer of hope, for inside every kernel of hope is the reality of despair.

Is there noise inside the coffin? Just watch Fate bury us under six feet of sods regardless!

They're not fit to wear the shirt!

I have supported West Ham consciously since 1968; I no doubt supported them subconsciously whilst in the womb; as an Eastender it was impregnated in my DNA.

Over the years I have endured many miserable seasons and witnessed many abysmal performances. We could go back to that 4-0  FA Cup defeat against Blackpool, when Bobby Moore led Clyde Best and two others on a pub crawl the night before the game. The team that day read: Ferguson; Bonds, Taylor, Moore Lampard; Ayris, Lindsay, Howe; Best, Greaves, Dear. It seems even gods have their off days when they have a hangover; or that 4-3-3 was a problem even back then!

We could return instead to the 4-0 hammering at Aston Villa that started the 1976-77 season. Our team that day read: Day: Coleman, Taylor, Green, Lampard; Holland, Bonds, Curbishley, Brooking, Paddon; Alan Taylor. It seems 4-5-1 didn't work back then either!

Or perhaps we should recall the 6-0 surrender in the first leg of the League Cup semifinal at Oldham. 6-0 at Oldham! But they did finish 8th in the Prem that season, one place below ourselves. The Oldham Disgraces were: Parkes: Steward Robson, Martin, Gale, Strodder, Dicks: Brady, Keen, Devonshire; David Kelly & Slater. You see, playing without a holding midfielder didn't work then either!

We could shudder at the performance away to Everton in May 1999, when the team had already gone on their summer holidays. The embarrassments that day were: Hislop: Lomas, Rio Ferdinand, Ruddock, Minto; Sinclair, Foe, Berkovic, Lampard, Keller; Di Canio & Wright or indeed the 1-5 home hammering against Leeds the game before. But we won the last game 4-0 and finished 5th that season. Fifth with Minto starting 14 games!

There was, of course, the 7-1 tonking at Man Utd. The sacrificial lambs that day were: Forrest: Lomas, Rio, Potts, Minto; Sinclair, Foe, Lampard, Moncur; Wanchope & Kanoute. Makeshift right backs and hopeless left backs were a problem then too!

And talking 7-1, let us remember THAT game at Blackburn. Humiliation was visited upon every West Ham fan that day by a side reading: Hislop: Schemmel, Daily, Repka, Soma: Sinclair, Carrick, Moncur, Hutchison; Di Canio, Kanoute. Dear God, look at that defence! It seems lessons still have not been learned!

2007 started well of course. Players on the piss on New Year's Eve and next day, were thumped 6-0 at Reading. Green was dropped after that one! The headaches that day were: Green: Dailly, Anton Ferdinand, Gabbidon, Konchesky: Bowyer, Mulllins, Reo-Coker, Benayoun; Harewood & Zamora. No natural wide player on the left please note and a slow right back.

And we could go on and on and on. But my point is that I have never once booed the team, I have never once joined the chants of "You're not fit to wear the shirt", I have never once utterly despaired of the players representing my club. But if I was at Wigan today, I would lead the cries because this bunch have betrayed our club.

I blamed Zola last year. Sav and Stani have blamed Grant this. Others blame the owners. Some desperate fools still blame refereeing decisions. The truth is, we have a team of money grabbing, gutless, spineless, brainless bastards. And they truly are not fit to wear the shirt!

Saturday, 14 May 2011

The Committal of West Ham United

Friends, we have come together for the funeral of West Ham United.

We come to mourn a relative, to honour a departed friend and to show sympathy to the bereaved.

We believe that those who die in Christ share eternal life with him. Therefore in faith and hope we come together to offer a prayer of thanksgiving and trust to God for what he has done for us in the death and resurrection of Jesus. We recall the certainty of our own coming death and judgement, and we proclaim that Christ is risen and that those who believe in him will rise with him.

Father, your love is stronger than death. Those who trust in your Son receive the gift of eternal life. Help us, as we hear your promises, to believe them and receive the comfort they offer. You are the giver of hope; fill us with joy and peace in believing, so that we may have abundant life through the power of the Holy Spirit, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Having given thanks for the life of our club we now commit the mortal body to the Championship. Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, in the sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life, through our Lord Jesus Christ, who died, was buried, and rose again for us. To him be glory for ever.