Saturday, 30 June 2012

Leeds Fans Jumping The Take Over Gun

The excitement is understandable. After so many years in the doldrums on the Bad Ship Bates, there's bound to be unbridled joy at the prospect of a take over, especially when the magic words "Middle Eastern Investor" is thrown into the mix. Suddenly, inevitably, thoughts turn to Manchester City and the Etihad, with flat capped whippet owners dreaming of tabling £50m bids for the best talent around.

The cockiness knows no limits. We are Leeds. Let's all have a disco. Everybody hates us and we don't care. It's hard to sustain even a tiny flicker of sympathy or affection when you read the revolting arrogance being posted all over the web. But we know all about that at West Ham. We came over all West End when the merchant bankers from Iceland bought the club but look how that ended up!

The trouble for Leeds is that, Middle Eastern investors or not, they are in the Championship. Even if they have £50m to invest in a player, a £50m player aint going to join Leeds in the Championship, so immediately they are chasing scraps and cast offs.

And as we discovered when suddenly flush with cash, when selling clubs know you have money to burn, they double the price and add some. And given you are buying second rate anyway, the inflated fee carries no guarantee of success. Look at Dyer, Ljungberg, Quashie, Boa-Morte, Davenport and Faubert!

Want a more recent parallel that's a little closer to home? Look at Warnock's "capture" of Wright-Phillips, Anton, Dyer and Barton!

There seems to be an assumption that Leeds will now be unstoppable, that the Premiership is on the horizon, that Europe is only a couple of seasons away.

Well the owners of QPR are worth a bob or two between them, and they only narrowly missed the drop last season. Look at what Liverpool have spent to achieve mediocrity. West Ham were the big money bully boys of the Championship last season but needed the playoffs to get up.

Of course the take over, assuming it happens, is positive news but Leeds fans should rein back expectations. If the Forest takeover happens too - and that looks more advanced than the Leeds buy out - then there will be two Championship clubs chasing the same limited pool of players, further inflating prices and wages as they compete with each other.

And as we discovered last season, when you are the big fish in a small pond, everybody wants to beat you. Look at how Leeds raised their game when they came to Upton Park and hosted West Ham. Biggest gate of the season at Elland Road? They came to watch the might of West Ham United, the club of Moore, Hurst, Peters and Brooking! It was so much easier for the likes of Southampton and Reading as they were treated as just another team and the atmosphere, in consequence was less intense.

Then there is the danger of a divided dressing room. We experienced that under Turds, with the big money signings on massively inflated salaries, feeding resentment amongst the crude mechanicals living off of salary scraps, with contracts negotiated in advance of the merchant bankers' arrival.

And finally there is that weight of expectation. Our home form last season was dreadful because the opposition set up to frustrate and fifteen minutes in, the home crowd were voicing frustration. As each minute ticked past, so the frustration of the crowd increased, feeding the desperation of the players. You could see our players wilting under the pressure and the opposition growing in confidence minute by minute.

So Leeds fans should calm down and show a degree of humility. The more cocky they become, the more likely they are to end up with a bloody nose. Yes smile but gloating is going too far because the rest of the division, no the rest of foootball, will love it, really love it if Leeds stumble and if the take over gun shoots them in the foot!

West Ham Want Tevez

Unfortunately, as with Clarence Seedorf, the club will not be following up on interest in Tevez due to the Argentinian's excessive wage demands and concerns that the guy is, at the end of the day, a bit of a cnut.

"No, we are not going for Tevez despite being linked to him," a West Ham source - Reg in Queens Market - told ESPN. "The club are concerned about his personal problems considering that he is a bit of a cnut, and despite the personality worries he still wants between £260k and £270k a week."

Friday, 29 June 2012

One Freddie Down, Another One To Go

Maybe it's all in a name. Freddie. It doesn't have a ring to it, does it? 'I'm Bond, Freddie Bond' doesn't really work does it? Freddie Casanova? Freddie Valentino? Freddie Di Caprio? Freddie Eastwood? Freddie Connery? Freddie Hudson? Freddie Bogart? Freddie Wayne? Freddie Tracy? Freddie Redford? Freddie Newman?

Hang on, I've got one! Freddie Parrot Face Davis!

So how did we end up with two of them, the Little and Large of Upton Park, The Two Freddies, Sears & Piquionne?

Well today, sadly, the demise of Freddie Sears was confirmed. Doctor Evil has slayed the baby faced assassin, throwing him out of the Boleyn creche where he has been cosseted since the tender age of eleven. Duxbury hailed him as our future and Zola thought he could step into the shoes of Bellamy but Football Manager knew better: right from the off the researchers for the game had him marked down as a dud.

So what now for Freddie Sears? Dagenham and Redbridge perhaps? Maybe Leyton Orient? Perhaps Barnet? Or Grays Athletic?

But meanwhile a whiff of garlic still pervades the corridors of the Boleyn. One Freddie's gone, but another's still to go.

Hang on! What about Freddie Mercury?

Allardyce closing in on Mengele

OK, it's not actually Mengele, but Mangane but it sounds very much as if the two are cut from the same cloth; albeit that idea would, of course, have revolted the Nazi doctor. Mangane is almost as big a hate figure in France as the Nazis were during the occupation, with a track record of breaking legs that nearly end careers.

He's big, he's black, he's nasty, and he's approaching 30 - so no surprise that Doctor Evil fancies him then! According to Talk Bollocks, we have tabled an offer for him of £4m, even though he only has one year left on his contract.

The big worry is that Arsenal are said to want him too. And given Wenger's track record with centre backs, that suggests the guy is crap!

My opinion, for what it is worth, is that if you're in for a penny, you might as well be in for a pound. We already have a Doctor Evil at the helm so why not one out on the pitch too? After all, Repka was no saint when we signed him!

Leeds Will Do To Warnock What Spurs Did To Redknapp

With Nottingham Forest suggesting today that they are no longer interested in luring Warnock away from Elland Road, there must be a very real danger that Neil could join 'Arry on the dole queue. If the takover happens, Warnock won't be in position for long. As soon as results turn slightly for the worse, the new owners will want their own man.

So Warnock must be fearing the worst whilst trying to sound upbeat. He knows the form after Fernandes backed him and sacked him following the takeover at QPR and with a poor record since taking on the Leeds job, he doesn't have a CV to impress the new owners.

So who would fit the bill at Elland Road? Well there's an ex West Ham and Tottenham manager who took Portsmouth up from the Championship who is currently out of work. If the new owners are happy to splash the cash, 'Arry might consider a commute from the South coast worthwhile, providing certain incentives are paid into an offshore account in the name of Rosie the Dog of course!

And with Joe Jordan now out of work, 'Arry could bring an old Leeds hero home!

Thursday, 28 June 2012

Southampton's Barmy Bid For Birmingham's Butland

After shelling out a very toppy sounding £7m for Jay Rodrigues, Southampton have now bid a quite staggering £6m for Birmingham's reserve keeper.

Now I accept that Butland may have a bright future ahead of him, but can Southampton really afford to be buying up the future of English football whilst ignoring the demands of the present? Butland may be the new Banks, Shilton or Seaman, but at the moment he is nothing more than a bright young prospect, and keepers, like quality wine, mature with age. As good as the boy is, he will make mistakes whilst young and will suffer a dip or two in form. It's all very well looking good on the training field and in the lower divisions, but in front of a full house at Old Traford, with the eyes of the world watching, you have to be very special indeed to cope with the pressure, as Manchester United's own young keeper discovered last season.

And meanwhile, Southampton have a perfectly good keeper in Kelvin Davis so surely other positions should be the priority? Mind you, Birmingham's decision to reject a £6m offer is also staggering. They really must rate the boy to turn that sort of money down given their current plight!

Barrera Returns to Taco Bell

So the doppelganger purporting to be Mexican international Pablo Barrera is returning to duties in Taco Bell. In return, Sullivan and Gold are receiving a volcano meal deal special each and a two week timeshare in the Mayan Resort in Cancun.

A spokesman for Taco Bell said: "We are delighted that Pablo is returning to duties. He is a first class till operative and was employee of the month in the June before he joined West Ham. It seems wires were crossed somewhere along the line. Pablo thought he was going to work in a fast food outlet in Green Street and was very surprised when he found himself playing in the English Premiership instead."

He added: "Like all Mexicans, he loves his football but his skills are much better suited to greeting and serving to be honest, providing the customers speak Spanish. He kept trying to explain to Avram Grant that he was not a footballer but his English is not so good so something appears to have been lost in translation. But then, he looked around at the rest of the team and thought, well if Spector, Hines, Faubert, Gabbidon, Sears, Piquionne, Boffin, Kovac, McCarthy and Stanislas are good enough, maybe operating a till in Taco Bell qualifies you for a place in West Ham's squad!"

Pearce Betrays Beckham and the Spirit of the Olympics

What a disgrace! Fair enough pick Giggs, the guy has never had the opportunity to play in the finals of a major tournament so deserves this belated opportunity even if his private life hardly makes him a great role model. But Craig Bellamy and Micah Richards, selected ahead of Sir David? It's a bloody outrage!

Richards refused the offer of being "back up" for the recent European Championships, saying everything that needs to be said about his sense of patriotism, whilst Bellyache is Bellyache - loathsome.

Doesn't Pearce get it? Nobody cares about who wins Gold in the football in the Olympics. Everybody knows that football doesn't belong, just like tennis doesn't belong, or rugby, or cricket or any of the other great professional team games. The Olympics is, first and foremost, about individuals, great individuals, and the great and the good in football prioritise the World Cup, the European Championships and major club competitions. That's why they have struggled to sell tickets for the football in a nation that is football cazy!

Beckham deserves a place as a reward for all that he has done for British sport. He has been a wonderful ambassador ever since we launched the bid and he is, second perhaps only to Coe, the face of London 2012 as far as people around the world are concerned. The thought of him bending in one of his trademark free kicks would have put bums on seats and excited a TV audience without question. So what if we lost? In this case, the Corinthian ideal of "It's not the winning but the taking part that counts" should have been applied.

Just like when he appointed Parker captain, Pearce has made himself look an arse. Beckham has responded with his trademark dignity but I trust others will not hold back in expressing contempt for this mean spirited decision to knife Becks in the back!

Leeds United, Nottingham Forest, Al-Hasawi and Warnock

So, when Shakespeare had a deadline to meet and couldn't be arsed with the increasingly feeble Much Ado About Nothing, he chucked the script at one of his writing team and said, "Knock off the next scene or two for me". But the poor lackey didn't know where to take the play and pleaded for help, so Will tossed him Romeo and Juliet and said "Taketh Act 3 Scene 1 and turn it into a full blown comedy."

And something similar happened in the offices of the Daily Mail last night. A desperate editor with column inches to fill, turned to a hack and said, "OK, Leeds, Forest, Al-Hasawi, Warnock, Take Overs - knock me off a story. Here's something from a few weeks back to base it on!"

Now we all do speculative - otherwise there would be very little to write on a day to day basis - but there's speculative and there's outright pulp fiction, and the Mail article falls very much into the latter category. Firstly Al-Hasawi hasn't bought Forest yet, it could be a Fake Sheik for all we know, or Al Murray. Secondly, the said non owning Sheik hasn't expressed an interest in Warnock. Thirdly, the claimed transfer embargo at Leeds pending a takeover has seen Leeds actively recruiting players. And fourthly, if the priority of the new owners of Leeds, if they exist, is to get out of the division, why would they sack Warnock as the article claims?

Talk about a Bubble & Squeak of a story!

Wednesday, 27 June 2012

£6m for Shot Holt? Madness!

Surely this must be nonsense! I know he scored 17 goals last season but I can remember Beattie looking the dog' bollocks for a season!

The guy is a lump. OK, so that probably explains Allardyce's interest, but he is a tubby looking lump and at 31 is no spring chicken either. Honestly, if the guy was worth that sort of money, why was he allowed to spend all those years in the lower divisions? Look at his list of clubs! Sheffield Wednesday, Rochdale, Nottingham Forest and Shrewsbury! Really? A six million pound man with a back history like that?

I can hear Allardyce trying to persuade Sullivan and Gold to part with their money: "Grant Holt, footballer. Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to make the world's first bionic footballer. Grant Holt will be that man. Better than he was before. Better...stronger...faster."

He would need to be at that price!

Meanwhile, what about two full backs, a pacey wide player and a centre half?

A Turkey To Turkey

So Julien Faubert has found a new home then and, appropriately, our former turkey is off to Turkey. I am sure he will find his level there, just as he did at Real Madrid, flat on his back on the substitute's bench.

It's bloody hot in Turkey and there's no way Faubert will be able to keep his eyes open in that heat! God only knows what Elazigspor think they are getting: a right back who can't defend or a right winger who can't cross or score?

Either way, the Turks are welcome to him, just as they were welcome to Luis Boa-Morte! Or was that Greece?

Birmingham Appoint The Wrong Clark!

So Lee Clark has finally been appointed. His kids leaked the news apparently but everybody knew anyway, didn't they? Poor guy looks to have one hell of a job on his hands. He was unlucky to be shown the door at Huddersfield but you have to wonder if he has the experience and ability to turn Birmingham around given the shenanigans in the Board Room. It's not mild mannered Lee Clark they need, but Clark Kent!

English Football Needs A Successful Take Over Of Leeds United

It may seem a strange thing for a West Ham fan to say, especially a West Ham fan who has confessed a loathing for everything associated with Leeds United, but there's no getting away from the fact that Leeds belong in the Premiership and their protracted absence is a blight on the English game.

Of course we all enjoyed it when Leeds dropped first from the top division and then into the depths of the third tier of English football - how could anybody who had witnessed the hideous arrogance and thuggery of the Revie era feel otherwise? - but enough is enough; sooner or later you have to forgive and forget and say, they have paid their dues, now Fate give them a break.

And for that reason, I became a tacit supporter of Leeds when they were battling to get back to the Championship. Who can forget that epic performance against Man Utd and who, with anything approaching a heart, would have wished them to miss out on promotion that season? In fact, as hard as Leeds fans may find this to believe, I posted congratulations when promotion was secured and predicted a return to the Prem in three years:

The trouble is, with Master Bates keeping his money, like a teenager's magazines, safely under his mattress, Leeds are in a cul de sac. King Ken's plan was clearly to use Warnock to motivate a pack of yard dogs into winning promotion before selling out to the highest bidder. The trouble is, Warnock cannot work miracles - his QPR and Shafting United teams had quality players in a number of key positions, something which will not be true of Leeds after the probable summer defections. So this take over really could be make or break time.

And I hope it is for real. I know I have expressed doubts and have teased, and I will probably keep doing so for as long as Leeds are floundering, but I accept that Leeds are a huge club with a fantastic fan base and that the Prem needs Leeds as much as Leeds needs the Prem. So, through gritted teeth, I say, "Let's hope this bid is for real". Let's hope the Master Bating ends and that we see a return to the full fledged fckers that are Leeds United. It won't be pretty, it won't be enjoyable, but the medicine is necessary and I, for one, will grimace and swallow it for the sake of the English game.

Come the end of the season, I actually want to be posting, "Welcome Back Leeds United"!

Elmohamady & McCartney - Uninspiring In The Extreme!

I'm not sure about you, but I'm increasingly worried by the "quality" of players we are being linked with. Gold has said we can expect as many as four signings this summer and it is still not clear if that four included Jussi and the, as yet not confirmed, McCartney. If it does, we are down to just two new arrivals, one of whom may be Diame and the other Elmohamady.

That can't be right, of course, because we are about to bid again for Shot Holt, but if that's it, I can see big trouble ahead.

Let's draft the new signings into the team and see what we have!


Demel, Tomkins, Reid, McCartney

Diame Noble

Vaz Te, Nolan, Elmohamady


Subs: Cole, O'Brien, Taylor, Maynard, O'Neil, Henderson, Collison

Is that a strong enough line up and squad to survive and prosper in the Prem? I very much doubt it! Demel was horribly exposed by pace in the play off final against Blackpool; Tomkins and Reid lack experience at the centre of defence; McCartney and Elmohamady are not good enough for Sunderland!; and Holt may be a one season wonder. We need more, a lot more!

Tuesday, 26 June 2012

Chelsea 2 West Ham 3 Italian Magic!

Back to the days when Italians could really play! God knows how Woy's England would have coped with Di Canio and Zola!

The game is remarkable because of the contribution of the two Italians. Di Canio scores twice - and his first is truly sublime - and Zola bends in a beauty of a direct free kick, giving James no chance at all. Chelsea are gifted a penalty when a very young Huth shows all his Aryan professionalism to claim he was pushed, and Judas nets our equaliser. Di Canio's winner aint bad either!

Repka nearly scores, Carrick nearly scores, Cole nearly scores - and Roeder, of course, is on the touchline. This team should have been challenging for Europe, not sitting at the foot of the bloody table! Only West Ham!

Leeds United's Bates Buying Time In Takeover Talks

So, according to the latest press statement, an interested party is carefully inspecting the books with a view to purchasing Leeds. Of course, a confidentiality agreement prevents Leeds from revealing who the would be purchaser might be.

Now, the bid may be 100% legitimate but it does seem amazing that nobody has had a whiff of who the prospective purchaser might be. Usually, confidentiality agreements or not, everybody knows who the buyer is - we knew about Sullivan & Gold for example - but in the case of Leeds, there doesn't seem to be an inkling.

The suspicion remains, therefore, that this is all a ruse by Master Bates. Let the summer slip past without spending any money, then bemoan the collapse of the deal as the unidentified prospective buyer drops out at the last moment. Only time will tell and the club has made clear "they will not be making any further announcements in the near future".

So when the window slams shut then?

Glasgow Rangers Arrogance Matched Only By SPL Stupidity!

Glasgow Rangers fans and riot police clash

Who says turkeys don't vote for Christmas? They do in Scotland it seems! Which is a bit of a worry when there's a  referendum on Scottish self annihilation in the offing!

Talk about the game's gone crazy. It sure as hell has north of Hadrian's Wall! With the new Rangers rising, Kieron Dyer like, out of the ashes, there seemed to be an assumption down Ibrox way that rival clubs would wave them happily back into the SPL. Go ahead Gers, play your fife pipes and march around our grounds in your orange sashes until our walls come tumbling down why don't ye? Go ahead Gers, hang an effigy of the Pope outside our stadium and tear up our town, pissing all down our High Street on a Saturday afternoon why don't ye?

But amazingly, the other clubs have said, "Hang on, allow the second biggest club in Scotland back into the SPL when we don't have to? Give up automatic European qualification so Rangers can take a place? Extend a helping hand to the arrogant bully boy tossers who wouldn't field a Catholic until it dawned on them that most of the footballing world were Romans? Why the Falkirk FC would we do a stupid thing like that?"

But, of course, the alternative is every bit as catastrophic as Scotland voting for independence! This is a whisky manufacturing "nation" that can't organise a piss up in a distillery, a football loving "country" that can't sustain two profit making football teams, never mind a competitive league.

Without Rangers, what is the SPL? A walk over! Why would anybody want to watch Scottish football now? How on earth can the TV companies market a foregone conclusion? Next season will be like a Jane Austen novel, "A Tale of the Totally Predictable". Will bookmakers even open a book on who will win the title or will every book involve "betting without the favourite"? The Bhoys will be delighting in the misery of the Gers but they could be hanging themselves by their own hoops as they kill the goose that lays the golden egg!

And what should Rangers do now? If they have any sense, apply to join the Football Conference. In ten years time they could be in the English Premiership, cocking a snoop at Celtic lording it in their SPL Lillyput. In fact, if they have any sense, they will buy a piece of land just over the border ready to build a new stadium in case the whole nation follows the SPL example and elects to mount it's own gibbet before yelling "Och aye the nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Sullivan and Gold Seek To Steal Birmingham's Future

Talk about the ghost of Christmas Past! Marley and Scrooge have their beady little eyes on Birmingham wonderkid, Nathan Redmond, hoping to land him as a replacement for problem kid Ravel Morrison who may be about to be prematurely buried beneath the Boleyn patio.

The up front figure being mooted is just £1m, with stage payments based on future appearances. If you are a West Ham fan, it sounds too good to be true; if you are a Birmingham fan, it is all your worst nightmares wrapped into one!

How does the novella open? Birmingham were dead: to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. The register of their burial was signed by the clergyman, the clerk, the undertaker, and the chief mourner. Sullivan signed it. And Sullivan's name was good upon 'Change, for anything he chose to put his hand to. Old Birmingham were as dead as a door-nail.

Monday, 25 June 2012

Open Season for former Leeds & West Ham Midfielder

Bloody hell, Lee Bowyer is attempting to qualify for the British Open. Haven't they heard about Bellamy? Who the hell let Bowyer near a set of golf clubs? Please God there isn't an Asian in the field!

Terry The Indefatigable

Tell me, who else, under the burden of an impending court appearance could have remained as focused and as committed to England's cause as John Terry last night? His "clearance" against the Ukraine said everything about the guy's never say die attitude and his overall performance last night made mugs of those who claim he is over rated.

I will risk being accused of sacrilege here but I am going to say it anyway, Terry's defensive performance for England last night was the best I have seen since Bobby Moore so very nearly kept Pele and company at bay. And like Terry, Moore was playing under a legal shadow on that memorable day in Mexico.

Ultimately, Hodgson got it wrong last night: England were too rigid and too defensive, which enabled Italy to take control of the game; but his selection of Terry at the expense of Rio Ferdinand has been vindicated with a capital V.

Yes Terry is a loathsome man, but that's what makes him so bloody good as a centre half. He was head and shoulders our best player last night and I would be amazed if he is not wearing the number 5 shirt in the Best 11 selected at the end of the tournament.

Now he returns to England for the little matter of a court case which, in many ways he has already won. Anton engineered the furore because of the rivalry between Rio and JT and the idea was not that Brother Ferdinand would miss out on his last shot at international glory whilst Terry received the plaudits as England's outstanding player of the tournament!

David Gold Playing With Fire!

Oh dear. Expect David Gold to wake up with a horse's head in his bed anytime soon. Our beloved Chairman's patience has snapped after Diamanti reminded West Ham fans what we are missing by scoring the penalty that dumped England out of the Euros last night. So David is going to sue Brescia after they sold Diamanti to Bologna on a co-ownership deal which sounds more dodgy than your average third party agreement!

If I were Gold, I would think long and hard before I resorted to legal action against an Italian football club. We all know that the Mafia have their fingers in the Italian football pie and they might not take kindly to West Ham resorting to the law given there's already a bit of a stink over match fixing. This could get very messy indeed!

Sunday, 24 June 2012

Ashes to Ashes - English Football Was Buried Tonight!

Humiliating. Embarrassing. Awful. You almost wanted Italy to win the penalty shoot out. Almost. We were dire tonight. Heart break? Nope. If we had stolen it on penalties, it would have been embarrassing. Good luck to Italy and to Diamanti.

As for the England team...Terry was superb, Johnson, Cole (penalty apart) & Lescott were decent and the rest were awful. Rooney? Terrible. Young? Embarrassing. Parker? As Parker said, a headless chicken. Gerrard? Had it. Milner? He's Milner. Hart? Aint that special but at least he's not Green. Walcott? Never got in the game. Welbeck? Willing. Carroll? Great when the ball was in the air, useless with the ball on the ground. Henderson? Who is he?

We move on. Thank God! The English cricket team recovered from their Ashes moment so who knows?

Warnock Should Focus On Leeds And Keep His Nose Out Of Spurs' Business!

So, what right has Neil Warnock to express an opinion on what is happening at Spurs? Is he employed by the club? Does he support the club? No to both. So why is he expressing an opinion on the sacking of 'Arry? Doesn't he know that Leeds fans believe everybody in the country has his head stuffed up his own backside, happy to smell his own excrement and oblivious to what is happening in the rest of football? It's a bloody good job Warnock can't read and write well enough to produce a blog, otherwise he would be inundated with irate Leeds fans telling him that no supporter has an interest in any club other than his own!

And on what authority is Warnock expressing an opinion exactly? He's been in the Prem twice, relegating Shafting United and taking QPR to the brink of the drop before he was dismissed and replaced by Mark Hughes. He thinks Levy is mad to sack Redknapp and he may well be, but one thing's for sure, Levy will never be mad nor desperate enough to appoint Warnock!

Regardless, I trust the Leeds fans who regularly abuse me for having an opinion on their club will apply the same standards to their club manager. If so, that makes Warnock a N.O.B, a CNUT, a W****R, a TOSSER...

And that's before they see Leeds play next season!

Saturday, 23 June 2012

Blanc Off To Tottenham As French Fly White Flag!

So that's it then. Laurent Blanc took France back to the Bourbon era, burnt the tricolour, flew the white flag and showed all the fighting spirit of the Vichys as France laid down and died against Spain before the game had even kicked off. And now he is all set to exchange the French cockerel for the Cocky Fools of N17.

Redknapp will be chuckling all the way down to his Monaco bank account: "Things not looking so rosy now eh Rosie?"

Levy must be wondering what he has done. France have won just one game in this tournament and the players looked every bit as disaffected as they did under his predecessor. Who of this rabble would Tottenham like to cherry pick exactly? And if Blanc can't inspire his countrymen talking in his mother tongue, how is he going to motivate the rag bag collection of mercenaries in the Tottenham dressing room?

I can see another Oneday Ramos!

Warnock Restructuring Leeds United In Double Quick Time

Contracts don't officially expire until the end of June but Warnock has already made three signings and is closing in on three more, Paddy Kenny, Luke Varney and David Norris. It's all very exciting for Leeds fans until you stop and think about it.

Norris is 31, Drury is 33, Kenny is 34 and Varney is 30 in September. It's true that Pearce is only 24 but there is still a but...

Tell me, who were Norris, Varney and Pearce playing for last season? That would be Portsmouth. And where did Portsmouth finish in the table? They were relegated weren't they. True they suffered a points deduction but even without that, they would have finished in the bottom six.

So, you finish in mid table and you want to strengthen the team, what's the obvious thing to do? Plunder a third of a team that ended up relegated! Inspired!

There's nothing here to generate excitement is there? Green is possibly the best of the bunch and he has spent a career playing for clubs in mid table or below in the Championship. OK Leeds weren't great last season but will this lot make them better or is it a case of dross replacing dross?

One thing's for sure, the signings do not suggest that there is a Money Bags take over in the offing. You don't go shopping in a car boot sale when you know you are sitting on a lottery jackpot ticket!

In fact the closest Leeds look likely to get to money is Varney. His namesake Reg was the very first person to use an automated cash dispenser in the United Kingdom. You can hear Master Bates now! "You want money for transfers Neil? Pop down to Nat West and take fifty quid out of the cashpoint. Oops, sorry, they're not working at the moment are they?"

Kill The DJ Rumour Please!

The latest hopefully ludicrous rumour is linking us with QPR no mark DJ Campbell. Apart from the fact that the guy is injury prone and a legend in his own mind, he just aint good enough. True he had a reasonable season for Blackpool which persuaded Warnock to sign him, but he is no better than Maynard, and Maynard isn't good enough for the Prem. Surely Campbell would do better to link up with Warnock again at Leeds, although Reading are also said to be interested.

I don't care where he ends up, so long as it's not at West Ham!

Is McCartney one of Gold's Fab Four?

gm5ltdb GIVE ME FIVE!
Last week Gold said we should expect four new signings and it was unclear if Jussi and Diame counted in that number. The immediate reaction was, even if it was four on top of those two, it still wasn't enough - and I was assuming McCartney was already in the bank! God help us if McCartney is number three and we can only expect one further signing!

It is very worrying that Sullivan and Gold appear to be trying to do this on the cheap. The team that secured promotion is not good enough for the Prem and the squad is woefully ill equipped to cope with the increased demands. Without question, we need two full backs, a centre back, a forward and a wide, attacking midfielder. That's five players AFTER the signing of Jussi, Diame and McCartney.

The fixture list has thrown up a number of winnable fixtures early doors. We need, therefore, to sign players sooner rather than later so they are available for the early fixtures, rather than joining the stupid scramble at the end of the transfer window, having lost vital points due to the delay.

Quite why we allowed Reading to pick up Pavel Pogrebnyak on a free is completely beyond me. I hope we don't live to regret it, with the Russian scoring a Reading winner on the last day of the season so sending us down!

It's time for a reality check at West Ham. We scraped our way to promotion and without significant investment, we will struggle to stay up.

Blackpool 1 West Ham 4 - Goodbye Rob Green

One from the recent archive, notable because it gave us the opportunity to practise waving goodbye to Rob Green as he was given his marching orders following a foolish and rash challenge.

The game will never be forgotten because there's not many times when a team win a contest 2-0 when a man short, especially when that man is a goalkeeper! 10 outfield players on the pitch, no specialist keeper, and we still tonked the Tangerines!

Catch a glimpse of Allardyce doing his nut on the touchline! And Noble critics might take note of the free kick that sets up Tomkins for the first goal.

Anyway, fun to watch back knowing the score. It was agony on the night itself once Green collected that red, the third dismissal in three consecutive matches! Is that a record?

Too Mutch to bear for Birmingham fans!

What a travesty. After competing so well last season, Birmingham City are being steered over the precipice following the departure of Chris Hughton. With the appointment of Lee Clark apparently imminent, the last thing the fans and club, outside of the financiers, needed was to sell one of the most exciting talents on the books. But needs must it seems.

The decision to sell Mutch to Cardiff for a paltry £1m says everything that needs to be said about the plight of the club. There's a certain irony in the fact that Cardiff are the buying club, given they too are owned by a far east outfit, but their owners, of course, have not been charged with money laundering...yet! Just kit laundering - "I don't understnd it, the shirts went in blue and came out red!"

Where now for Birmingham? Well it looks like the only way is down. These are dark, dark days for a club that only the season before last lifted the Carling Piss Pot. I have no love for the Blues but I would not wish this upon their fans.

And to think, Birmingham fans were delighted when Sullivan and Gold sold out. Just shows, you must be careful what you wish for!

Friday, 22 June 2012

Leeds United To Become Multi Sport Franchise Under Take Over Plans

With planning permission obtained for an ice skating rink in Elland Road, the prospect of Leeds United becoming a multi sport franchise, attractive to investors from the USA, has significantly increased. Americans are increasingly keen to get a foothold in the money spinning Premiership but are also enthusiastic about sports with an established appeal on the other side of the pond - so the idea of a football and ice hockey franchise under the name of Leeds United has particular appeal.

Sports analyst Lee Vittout explained how two and two is increasingly making four in terms of a take over saying: "The early rumours suggested an American bid but the problem is that Leeds are in the Championship and Americans aren't big on history when it comes to investments, all they look at is the future and the here and now. However, the possibility of a multi sport franchise enormously increases the chances of a buy out."

He continued: "Although the rink has a small spectator capacity, that wouldn't really matter because it's not about bums on seats but eyes in front of the television. The Leeds United brand could, perhaps, be used to trigger a boom in ice hockey in England, with an NHL team using Leeds as a nursery team for their youngsters. Indeed, it might well be that other American owned teams like Manchester United, Liverpool and Aston Villa will form their own hockey teams too. Meanwhile, Leeds have a huge fan base around the world which the investor would seek to tap into for marketing and merchandising of the English based ice hockey team and the NHL team. It's what we call a symbiotic relationship and every one is a winner."

He added: "The great news for the fans of Leeds United FC is that success would depend upon getting the club back into the Premiership as soon as possible. Personally, I can see a great marketing campaign featuring high octane ice hockey hits, the real bone crunchers, interspersed with old footage of Hunter, Bremner, Giles and Charlton tackles, under a heading of 'Who winces first'!"

Asked whether Neil Warnock would figure in the investor's plans, Vittout said: "It's unlikely. They will want a big name. Perhaps Capello to appeal to the Italian Americans or O'Neill to appeal to Irish Americans."

Still Warnock could always be entered for Dancing on Ice!

Upton Park Evacuation Complete

So that's it then. Do we call it ethnic cleansing? Clearing out the dead wood? Cutting ties with the past? Reverting to Year Zero? Getting rid of bad rubbish?

Call it what you will but the final whiff of Nani, Zola, Clarke and Duxbury has been purged with the news that Nouble - the big black hope when "captured" from Chelsea - has joined Wolves on a free. So they have all gone, every man jack of the buggers recruited by the Fab Four.

Let's take this moment, therefore, to lament the passing of an era, to remember those who, in no time at all, will be long forgotten, thinking back fondly and paying homage to a group of players the like of whom, we may never see again.

There was Di Michele, he of the tricky shoe laces. He scored a brilliant goal against West Brom early doors if you remember.

And there was Lopez. His arrival triggered the departure of McCartney and so of Turds. I saw him play against Watford. Fat and shit would sum him up succinctly.

Lastpickeva played in that 1-0 defeat too. Handed Watford their goal on a plate if I remember rightly. Even Green is better under crosses!

Then there was Behrami. Man City wanted him for £16m at one point and West Ham fans screamed no! He went for less than £4m, mysteriously injured until he got his move to Italy where upon he made an instant recovery.

And there was Ilunga of course - great until we gave him a permanent contract!

And Kovac. Scored one great goal, otherwise useless.

And Savio. Savio, Savio, where for art thou Savio?

Don't forget Tristan! The lamp post took one brilliant free kick against Stoke but was otherwise useless.

Then there was da Costa. Costa more than we got for him when we sent him to Siberia!

What about Daprela? Zola saved the kid for the big games - Arsenal twice and Chelsea just to destroy the boy's confidence.

And Diamanti. Playing for Italy now but Zola and Clarke couldn't work out how to utilise his talents.

Don't forget General Franco. He looked half decent for a while but ultimately was too old and too slow.

And remember Jimenez? I called him a duff after watching him in a pre season friendly against Tranbzonspor. I was right!

And Kurucz - Replaced the puking Green against Man Utd and never seen again.

And we mustn't forget McBenni, for though Nani and Duxbury had departed, Zola was desperate for Sullivan and Gold to buy him!

Is it any wonder that Duxbury is out of football, Zola can't find a job, Nani's club was relegated upon his return and that Liverpool were shit with Clarke as Dalglish's assistant?

Traitor Rob Green Speaks With Forked Tongue

Whilst the Official Site and its franchise KUMB report Rob Green's tribute to the West Ham fans faithfully, both, for some strange reason, omit England's 666 claim that he is joining QPR because of the ambition of the club.

Of course, Green has to say positive things about the Hoops; but he has to say positive things about West Ham too. That's the way its done unless there has been a huge spat. So why bother to report Green's "thanks" to the fans?

For what it is worth, I have translated Green's words so that his tongue is no longer forked!

"I would like to thank West Ham fans. They have been great. Even though we were relegated during my time at the club, after a miserable season of struggle the year before, and even though we spent a season in the old Second Division, the fans kept pouring through the turn stiles, paying their hard earned wages into my bank account, via the club."

"Sadly, what they were paying me - £40,000 per week according to most estimates - was not enough. However, I would like to thank every one of those fans whose wages have given me a wonderful lifestyle and a financially secure future."

"I do trust that West Ham fans will understand that I had no choice other than to move given QPR are paying me £10,000 a week more than West Ham. That speaks volumes for the ambition of QPR and, although they narrowly missed relegation last season, that sort of ambition talks!"

"Sadly Spurs never came in for me as I suspect they would have paid me even more. I had also hoped that Chelsea might see me as the perfect number 2 for Cech as that would have been a great money spinner, but they didn't fancy me either."

"Never mind, I'm looking forward to my time at QPR. Who wouldn't when you are being paid £50k per week?"

Thursday, 21 June 2012

Brady Reveals West Ham Hit List

So Princess Brady has revealed that West Ham have a hit list that we are working our way through. That's reassuring but begs the question who is on it. My suggestions would be:

1) McCabe
2) Duxbury
3) Roeder
4) Nani
5) Redknapp
6) Defoe
7) Dyer
8) Ljungberg
9) Levy
10) Carragher

Any other cnuts you would like taken out that I've forgotten, besides the Princess herself of course?

Green to QPR, Kenny To Leeds, Birmingham's Foster to West Brom

So Rob has managed to hold on to the pen long enough to sign that contract then. I remember when a truly great keeper moved in the opposite direction, but then Phil Parkes understood which of the two was the bigger club. Poor Rob Green, he thought Spurs or Newcastle or a club of that size might want him, perhaps even Chelsea as cover for Cech. But when it came to the crunch, even West Bromwich Albion considered Foster a better bet at £4m than Green on a free - and Clarke should know having worked closely with Green for two years! So Green's options were limited, extremely limited indeed. It boiled down, it seems, to QPR or er...QPR. Strange that, given he is supposed to be such a great keeper! Meanwhile, a two year deal is hardly a vote of supreme confidence. Green has at least three more years left in him surely?

As for Paddy Kenny, he joins a long tradition of mediocre keepers at Leeds. Even the great Revie team had Sprake in goal! Robinson was good, to be fair, and so was Martyn, but Day and Harvey were on a par with Kenny - nout to write home about!

As for Foster, he is OK but if Birmingham collect £4m for him, that represents good business. Of course, that still leaves Robinson in limbo. I'd welcome him to Upton Park but what would we then do with Henderson given we already have Jussi?

Wednesday, 20 June 2012

Signing Number Four On His Way

So Henderson, Jussi and Diame have been added to the fold and, if we can believe Sullivan - and he wouldn't lie would he? - signing number four will be announced next week. So the guessing game begins. Who is it exactly? The confidence suggests that it is another free transfer as there appears to be no worries about negotiating with another club. Leeds have just announced the capture of Republic of Ireland player Green, so perhaps our latest signing has been involved in the Euros?

So, free transfer / out of contract and playing until recently in the Euros? Any guesses? Pavel Pogrebnyak would fit the bill wouldn't he?

Of course, gone are the days when we learn about who we have signed through press conferences. Jack Sullivan can't resist breaking news through his twatter account can he?

Leeds Shock Football World By Capturing Top International

There were some who scoffed, mocking the idea that Leeds could be reborn under Warnock unless the rumoured mystery buyer became a reality, and questioning whether Ken Bates would back his manager in the transfer market. As weeks slipped by with only Jason Pearce recruited, wise sages nodded their heads and sarcastic bloggers stabbed with their verbal knives. Poor Leeds fans squirmed in irritation as supporters of upstart rival clubs, clubs without the great history and heritage of Leeds United, mocked and jibed at their expense. Until the mighty Leeds United made them eat their words!

There are transfer deals that capture the imagination and which, when announced, make the football world collectively take a sharp intake of breath. We might think here of West Ham's signing of Tevez and Mascherano, of Tottenham's capture of Ardiles and Villa, of Leeds United's own investment in McGovern and O'Hare, of Manchester United's purchase of Cantona and McQueen and Jordan...and today, June 20th 2012 Leeds United added another deal to that pantheon with the startling announcement of their latest signing.

This is not a Jason Pearce, nor is it an Adam Drury, no this signing is in a new league entirely as Warnock has landed the top international footballer Paul Green. Capped twelve times by the Republic of Ireland, the former Doncaster and Derby County midfielder takes the Warnock revolution to a new level. Thoughts turn to Johnny Giles, to  Gordon Strachan, to Gary Speed, to Gary McAllister, to Billy Bremner, to Tony Currie, to David Batty, to Vinnie Jones, to Carlton Palmer, to Harry Kewell, to Lee Bowyer, and to the great Cantona himself!

Who needs Snodgrass now? He can take a running jump straight in to the Premiership. The Warnock revolution is underway. Pearce, Drury, Green, the question is, who next?

And all this before the big takeover! Neil needs to take care keeping in mind maximum squad sizes in the Prem!

Tottenham's Scotty Parker Doing His Best To Become Headless Chicken!

You have to love the guy. How many times over the last three games has Scotty put his body and head on the line, throwing himself in front of shots, taking more hits than Brian Close facing the Windies bowling attack!

There were some glorious moments last night. One when Scotty fell to the ground, the ball a tantalising six inches or so away from his chin, and I swear Scotty was trying to eat it! He flopped forward on his belly like a beached walrus, his arms flapping like fins, his legs kicking forlornly behind.

Then there were the direct hits to the face. I think I counted two last night.

And best of all the glorious moment when Scotty, looking dazed and confused, was given a shove in the back by a team mate and pointed in the direction of the touchline, obviously with the instruction to go out and block yet another attempted cross with his hooter. As Scotty stumbled towards the edge of the box he looked just like his namesake Scott Tracey with his strings hanging limp.

But as heroic as this all is, I have a question. What is Parker bringing to the team beyond being a punch bag? Our play is disjointed with the defence and the attack looking divorced from each other. What creativity there is in midfield is coming from Gerrard and Parker looked lost last night.

And there is another issue. Time and again France, Sweden and the Ukraine have been allowed far too much space in the lines between the back four and the midfield four. Young has been at fault, as the BBC pundits highlighted last night, but far too often Parker and Gerrard have retreated too deep, too quickly, standing on the toes of Terry and Lescott rather than offering a shield in front of them. We paid the price against France, with Gerrard belatedly stepping up and unable to close in time, and better teams will murder us.

Parker has performed better than I expected but sooner or later his head is going to be knocked off. Better marking of space and tracking of runners would, I believe, render a lot of the heroics unnecessary. But that would require football intelligence rather than simple do or die endeavour!

Leeds United Hit The Duffers

Oh dear. Signing number two arrives and it is none other than Adam Drury. Adam who? Exactly!

The good people of Norwich know him, but the good people of Norwich know their own sisters! Adam has been a loyal servant at Norwich for many years now. In fact for many, many, many years now if we are honest.

The guy has spent a long, long, long career achieving very, very, very little. At 33 years of age he is in the twilight of a career spent very much in the shadows anyway. And this is the man Warnock has recruited to fill the boots of the great Terry Cooper and Ian Harte! Perhaps the club should retire the number 3 shirt now to avoid humiliating comparisons!

Still, he is on a free and his wage demands were no doubt modest. So this is a clear pointer to an imminent take over then! So much for the multi millionaire Frenchman about to buy Master Bates out of the club!

Still, beggars can't be choosers. Sound the fanfares, roll out the red carpet, dedicate the front and back pages of the Yorkshire Post to the news. Leeds United have signed Adam Drury!

Of course, what do I know, I'm only a cockerknee wanker, so for the opinion of a true flat cap wearing, whippet owning miser, follow this link:

Tuesday, 19 June 2012

Ukranian Goal Shows Folly Of Goal Line Technology Proposals

Ok, the "goal" was over the line despite John Terry's monumental and quite, quite brilliant clearance. But that just shows the nonsense of the goal line technology proposals, for had the goal been given, an illegitimate goal would have been awarded because the earlier offside had been missed.

So, you either go to a fourth official to rule on all goals, checking for handball, offside, foul play etcetera, or accept that officials make errors. Goal line technology is a stupid half way house!

My mum always told me that two wrongs don't make a right; well tonight we saw that just is not true!

Diame Signs

Let's hope his ticker can cope with the roller coaster ride that is West Ham United. Now we need two full backs, a centre back, a midfielder or two, and a central striker.

Nolan Dreading New Season & Expects Opening Day Defeat

Not really, but honestly, can the Official Site come up with nothing better than, "I can't wait to get started" with Nolan designated pre-scripted puff about how the players and fans are looking forward to the big kick off and are hopeful of a positive start?

To be fair, it is hard to find anything to write about at the moment, which is why this blog has dedicated space to clubs where something is happening, if only by something not happening.

Let's hope we announce Diame's signing this week and kick on from there. As I keep saying, we need to bolster the squad in a number of key areas. Gold's prediction of signing a maximum of four players sends shivers through my spine. We need at least five, probably six and maybe even seven, including new right back, left back, centre back, central striker and attacking wide midfielder.

Leeds Manager Warnock Draws Up If But And Maybe Battle Line With Bates

Not exactly the most bullish of statements from angst ridden Leeds United manager Neil Warnock was it? Where Allardyce was setting a target of 90 points at this stage last season, Warnock is worrying about the quality of the opposition as he says, "“Looking at our fixtures makes you realise how difficult a league this is."

Where Allardyce was bullish from the off, landing Nolan in a stunning £4m deal, Warnock is reduced to hoping the right players will fall into his lap, saying, "We’ve got a lot of work to do. Let’s hope we can get things done.”

Where Allardyce had the full backing of his Board, Warnock is clearly unsure, saying, "I’m going along working as hard as I can now and we know we need players. I think the club know I need help and they are trying to do it. Only time will tell."

Those words "I think the club know I need help" and "Only time will tell" don't inspire confidence do they? Warnock is clearly establishing tacit battle lines with Master Bates. He is worried, worried that his reputation will be soiled through association with a club heading in the wrong direction. Star players will leave in August, if not before, and it seems to be dawning on Warnock that Bates is not minded to shell out money to replace them. As I keep warning, this is heading for a big bust up anytime soon.

Unless the take over happens of course. Then Warnock will be replaced by the new owner's preferred candidate anyway.

And before Leeds fans mouth off abuse, ask yourself, why wasn't Warnock more bullish? Why didn't he say, "The work begins here and now as we build a team to win the division next season"? That's what you guys want to hear isn't it? That's what Captain Snakeinthegrass and company want to hear isn't it? So if Warnock believes it is possible, why doesn't he come out and say it?

Curbishley Dismisses Birmingham As Promotion No Hopers

How things have changed! When Alan "Turds" Curbishley walked out on West Ham as a player to join Birmingham City, he termed the Blues a "bigger club" than the Hammers and claimed that joining them would enhance his chances of playing for England. Well Curbishley didn't collect a single international cap and since being forced out of the manager's seat at West Ham has been linked with a host of jobs but has not been appointed to any of them.

Now, Birmingham are no longer a bigger club than West Ham, it seems; in fact Curbishley isn't interested in the vacant manager's job because it sounds too much like hard work! With no money to spend, Curbishley would rather appear as Bagpuss in his role as a football pundit rather than get his hands dirty trying to revive the fortunes of a club he once considered to be a sleeping giant.

The money he was given to spend at West Ham seems to have gone to his head. He's forgotten that he made his name running Charlton on a shoestring. Now he seems to think that chairmen will entrust him with millions so he can recruit the likes of Dyer, Ljungberg, Davenport, Quashie and Boa Morte!

He needs to take a reality check. Birmingham was the ideal job for him, if he still has what little ability he ever possessed. Sooner or later, he is going to run out of clubs in his quest for the easy number that he is clearly looking for and when viewers get fed up of seeing his miserable face on the box at half time, he will find himself jobless.

Mind you, with his pay off from West Ham, that probably doesn't matter!

Monday, 18 June 2012

Leeds Manager Warnock Kicked In The Gonads!

Hoping for a great start to the new season Neil? The computer says no! Poor Warnock, nothing is going right for him it seems. There's no money to buy new players and now the fixture list for the new season has thrown up a potentially disastrous opening sequence of games: Wolves, Blackpool, Peterborough, Blackburn, Cardiff, Hull, Forest...

If Leeds are in the bottom half of the table at the end of that lot - and unless something changes dramatically they could be in the bottom three - Warnock could be off, either voluntarily or with a shove from Master Bates.

I'm predicting 5 points from the first 7 games and it would be a long hard season if that's the case!

Disaster looms as Sullivan & Gold try to do it on the cheap!

Oh dear, here we go then. There we were getting excited about the new season with expectations of £20m being spent to refashion the squad in order to cope with the demands of the Premiership and as the opening fixtures are announced, Gold condemns us to a relegation struggle.

According to Gold, we are aiming to bring in "two, three or maybe four players by the close of the window as we start off in the new season". Hopefully that is on top of Henderson and Jussi otherwise we are up shit creek without a paddle!

Maybe four players? Hang on, let's tot up how much they will cost Gold and Sullivan shall we? Diame is probably one and he is available on a free. And Guti is another perhaps and, surprise, surprise, he is available on a free too! That could be the "maybe two" unless a third and a fourth can be sourced free of charge!

You would have thought that the carrot of the new television deal would have triggered a rethink but it seems not. Green is going because his wage demands were too high and it looks like the purse strings are pulled ultra tight as these two West Ham fans plan to sell the stadium and pocket as much of the TV revenue as they possibly can. Happy days ahead it seems!

Aston Villa at home and Swansea away - Six Point Start Needed!

No excuses, the computer has been kind and we have to take advantage. Villa are no great shakes and although they will be out to impress new manager Paul Lambert, will carry scars into the new season. Swansea too will be under new management but we have to ensure that we clip their wings early doors. Both games are, in fact, potential six pointers if we cock them up!

So no dawdling Sam, the new recruits are needed for the season kick off, not for the closing of the window!

Mido Returning!

Don't worry, although he is being linked with a move back to the UK, it is not to West Ham but to Barnsley - no doubt to the envy of local rivals Leeds United. Apparently he has developed a taste for Yorkshire Pudding, rhubarb crumble and has identified a great kebab shop in the town. Presumably he is asking for his standard grand a week, which may mean he is beyond the resources of Leeds whilst keeping him within range of little old Barnsley.

Anyway, it's great to know that the flying Egyptian is heading back to England and will soon be bombing down the flanks with his old alacrity. Sadly West Ham fans will not get to see him play, as we are now in the Premiership, but the good folk of Yorkshire, be it Barnsley or Leeds fans, will no doubt take the Rolls Royce driving lard arse to their hearts, happy to be forking out their hard earned pound notes to finance the demiretirement of a guy who is reputedly still only 29, although he looks 40, and who has been released on a free transfer by his Egyptian club!

So we get Vaz Te and Barnsley, if they can beat Leeds to the signing, get Mido instead. That's the way the rhubarb crumbles!

Sunday, 17 June 2012

Just Imagine If...

...England had lost all three games in the group stage like Holland!

It would be the end of the world. There would be calls for coaching manuals to be torn up, for an overhaul of the youth academies at the clubs and at the F.A., for all the PE teachers to be sacked, for a new Prime Minister and for the Olympics to be scrapped to save any further embarrassment.

But in Holland? Besides a dressing room spat or two or three or four, they will all smoke a joint, go to a swingers club, shrug and get on with producing a team to challenge for the next World Cup.

Life goes on in Holland and Russia because, at the end of the day, football is sport and sport isn't really life or death!

Green's Move To QPR Hits Snag

Everytime they hand him a pen to sign the contract, Green drops it!

Jason Pearce Uneasy At Leeds

Oh dear. Now even the new boy has voiced anxiety about the situation at Leeds. Speaking to the YP, the lone signing of the summer so far said: "I do have a look on the Sky Sports website to see if anything is happening. I was obviously the first one to come in and I would hope to see a few more before the start of pre-season.”

The guy should have saved this site to his favourites before he jumped on board the sinking ship. Poor Pearce apparently backed Russia to win the Euros, Engelbert to land Eurovision and Heather from Eastenders to win Miss World!