Saturday, 29 December 2007

There's only one Neil Warnock!

How many bottles is Red Stripe going to have to down after being turned over so predictably by his predecessor? The crowd were singing, "There's only one Neil Warnock" before kick off and for Robbo's head at the end. Just perfect that Palace wear Claret & Blue!

The game has gone crazy!

How do you make any sense of this? Reading come to West Ham, go down to ten men and proceed to play us off the park, looking as solid as the proverbial rock at the back. Three days later, United come to town and we dominate the game and record our first home win since a rather unconvincing victory over Sunderland. Meanwhile, across town, that same Reading team ship 6 against Spurs and reply with 4 of their own! Logic? Reason? The game's gone crazy!

Monday, 12 November 2007

Kick out Italy!

What would happen to England if our fans behaved liked the Italians? Surely Scotland should be given a bye to Euro 2008 and the Italians kicked out? I was at an Inter v Roma game three seasons ago and could not believe my eyes! Firecrackers thrown on the pitch throughout the game, missiles hurled at the police all match, the away fans showered with missiles from the home fans on the upper tiers. Flares everywhere. A ground would be closed in England if a fraction of this happened and the "English disease" would certainly be used as an excuse to kick us out of the competition. Even Italians are calling for Italian football to be suspended!

Sunday, 11 November 2007

Emergency Ward Ten

Now Bowyer's out! This is getting too silly to be coincidental. It is time for Turds to look long and hard at the training routines. The VAST majority of the injuries now are not impact injuries. The players clearly are not match fit when they are going out to play. Turds of course thinks it is all "unbelievable bad luck". What's that old saying? "You make your own luck"!

Bring on the kids!

So the score is 5-0. Derby haven't just layed down, they've died. Bowyer has to come off and we still have another substitution up our sleeve. Tell me, is this not a great opportunity to blood a younger player? "OK Kyle, get on there and score yourself a goal. And you Camara. Show the fans why I signed you!" Did it happen? Nope. "Get stripped off James, let's keep this clean sheet." How are the kids going to progress if they never get a chance?

Saturday, 10 November 2007

Red Stripe has Chairman's Backing! Let's drink to that!

"Bryan Robson has won the dreaded vote of confidence from the Blunted Blades chairman Kevin McCabe." Wonder if Red Stripe heard the news in the bar? One for the road Robbo?

Curbishley v Pardew

Obviously we could make this comparison from a number of angles - signings, tactics, training methods and the like. The debate on has been interesting and, for me, informative. If the rumours about Pardew are true, I now understand why he lost the dressing room and I've found the debate about fitness training eye opening. There is another dimension still. Why, even though, in truth, his record wasn't that great, is Pardew still so popular. How did he recover from the dreadful start and the ludicrous tactics and substitutions in the play off final against Palace? What is it about the man that makes me yearn for his return, even though, during his first turbulent 12 months, I would have gladly chaired a "Sack Pardew" Society and I fully recognise the stupidity of his failure to build a team around Tevez and Mascherano? Is my affection for Pardew simply a nostalgic reaction against "long ball" Curbishley?

It's not difficult to landmark when Pards won me over - it was the play off semifinal against Ipswich and that brilliant "Moore than just a football club" top. Suddenly he stopped being an outsider, an arrogant sod who preached to us misinformed fans, and became part of the soul of the Club. Yes he had trotted out the mantra before, but suddenly he belonged. By demonstrating personal humility when on the threshold of his greatest personal triumph, he suddenly joined the pantheon, a lesser god, but a god none the less through association with, and his apparently genuine respect for, our heritage. It may just have been clever self marketing of course but I fell in love with him as he walked down the touchline in that top. From there, he seemed to get it right every time he spoke to the cameras. He wanted to win but win in the West Ham way. We had an obligation to play with style. For West Ham fans winning wasn't enough. Maybe I was duped, but I lapped it up! There was that dance on the touchline. There was the genuine joy. There was the interaction with the fans, sharing our joy, sharing our excitement. There was that argument with Wenger. There were his comments about too many foreigners in the game. There was his knocking of Sven. He sounded like one of us, a bit cocky, but punching above his weight and doing it with style.

And that was Pardew to me, a guy with style. And he was so positive! He knew somehow that we were destined to get to that Cup Final and he was clever, or respectful enough, to link it all in with Greenwood, to keep paying tribute to the true greats behind the club. Did he ever moan about his luck? Perhaps I have a good editing facility in my brain but I can't remember him doing it. I remember him admitting to getting it wrong when he fielded an understrength team ahead of the Cup game against City, but I don't remember him complaining about the Board's failure to invest in the squad. He accepted the defeat was his fault.

Now, contrast all this with Curbishley. Everybody knows I don't like him and I come from a negative position, but I didn't like Pardew at first! Whereas Pardew had style, Curbishley, it seems to me, is the footballing equivalent of Primark - perfect for a club like Charlton but totally wrong for West Ham. He just hasn't got it somehow. He looks desperate on that touchline. He sounds like a parody of an Eastender, his accent is so unrefined. He looks and acts like a guy from a different era, the era of the big rosette and the football rattle. But he brings none of the nostalgic charm of that era with him. It is a sort of "in your face naffness".

Whereas Pardew tapped into the past and enlisted the ghosts of Moore and Greenwood into his motivational team, Curbishley seems to be frightened of that past, terrified of comparison despite being a child of the era. Perhaps it goes back to his departure as a player, moaning that if you play in midfield for West Ham you're told to pass it to Devonshire and Brooking. He was third best then and that inferiority complex hangs like a millstone round his neck. As a player he had to take the safe option because he wasn't good enough to play the dangerous ball and that mentality pervades his thinking as a manager. I suspect there is, in truth, a bitterness inside him. At Charlton he was top dog, a true god; at West Ham, he is what he always was, an also ran. As a result, he has lost sight of what we stand for. He can't focus on that brilliant light because, as a player, he was blinded by it. He was raised to be a West Ham flair player but ended up a Birmingham and Villa utility man. So faced with the brilliance of our heritage, he dons shades and tries to avoid the light, the light that we, the true fans who are at one with the soul of the club, want to always be a part of. Pardew's brilliance was to step into that light and invite us all inside it; Curbishley's inferiority complex, makes him terrified of the spotlight, terrified of comparison with the greats who he could never measure up to.

People keep saying give him time. My reply is, you can hang a Primark suit in your wardrobe for as long as you like and it will never turn into Armani.

From out of the mouth of Turds...

Turds quoted in The Sun... "...the problem with being a manager is the despair of defeat is greater than the joy of winning...The Premier League is about doing everything you can to survive...At some stages last season I was accused of not being passionate enough. But when I threw a bottle when we lost a goal in injury time to Bolton people said I'd lost it. I don't know where to go from there." Imagine reading this on the coach on the way to the game! Inspiring words ahead of the Derby game? Can you imagine Jose talking like that? Or Wenger? Or Greenwood? Or Pardew? Can you imagine wanting to sign or play for a manager who sounds so depressed, so down, so negative? In answer to Turds dilemma about "where to go from there", may I suggest retirement? The poor old boy is 50 after all!

From out of the mouth of a spoilt brat...

Dean Ashton in "The Sun" talking about the West Ham treatment room: "In a weird way it's a nice place to be, considering everyone in there is injured. There's lots of banter. It makes a nice change from when I was out last year and there wasn't anybody else in there. It was a very lonely place and it was hard going." A nice change eh Dean? Sod the team eh? Sod the fans eh? Just so long as you're happy mate and there's plenty of others to keep you entertained! I can imagine the banter: "So how much are you be paying paid to not play this week?"

Sunday, 4 November 2007

Fantastic call!

What a fantastic call to rule that Gallas goal in. Watch it back in real time and it still doesn't look in! The officials get a lot of stick when they get it wrong. Credit where credit is due - that decision was brilliant! Gallas apart, none of the Arsenal players seem to have realised, they weren't wheeling away, Roger Hunt style, arms in the air, they were still trying to score!

Tuesday, 30 October 2007

Roeder's Return!

Can you believe it? Yet another club has recruited Glen Roeder as manager! Do these chairmen have a death wish? Poor Norwich, they're a decent enough club, I wouldn't wish Roeder on Leeds (not true, I would!) never mind Norwich! They gave us Graham Paddon and John Macdowell for goodness sake!

Sent to Coventry!

So, I'm sure some blinkered fools will be raving about our new strike partnership as the classic little and large, Toshak and Keegan combo. There will be talk of a brave performance, of overcoming injuries, of great tactical decisions, of a stunning winning goal.

There will be bemoaning of luck as the injuries deepen, there will be "get in there" style comments, some may even cry "Wright for England" on the basis of one save.

The truth is, we were awful! Fact, Coventry are shite. Fact we looked bereft of ideas in midfield and up front. Fact, our defending when Coventry scored was school boyish. Fact, Etherington could not get past the full back all night. Fact, we didn't even try to attack down the right hand side. Fact, there was no attempt to play through midfield. Fact, Boa-Morte was dreadful despite his "goal". Fact, Spector and Pantsil are NOT Premiership players.

Two good, two bad? Two bad: Boa-Morte's "pass" to Cole when we had a two against one and our defending for the Coventry goal (we had four full backs on the pitch at the time for heaven's sake!) Two good: Cole's finish and...erm I'm trying here...there must be something else surely...still trying. Boa-Morte's miss hit half volley that pinged off three Coventry defenders into the net? Can't think of ANYTHING else can you? Hang on, Mullins turned well once. Hang on, Etherington fired across the six yard box but Carlton was too dozey to react until the ball had passed - that's why he isn't good enough, as I've said, he doesn't predict or gamble.

Okay this is negative but what else can it be after we looked second best most of the night to a VERY VERY ordinary Coventry team? But we won! We won! We won! So we bloody should do against a team as poor as this! Did we win with any style? Did we win with any swagger? Did we play like West Ham? No, no, no. Quarter final of a cup though! Yes we've scraped past Bristol Rovers, Plymouth and Coventry. Big bloody deal and, Green apart (let's face it, a goalie needs to rest!) we've largely played the best team available, or brought them on when struggling! If this was a one off, fair enough; but it wasn't, this is part of a pattern: our football is getting ugly, crude, defensive and long ball. Bobby Moore must be turning in his grave!

Ratings: Wright 5 (one good save, two dropped crosses) Neill 5 (again lost possession trying to dribble out of defence. Ludicrous booking.) McCartney 6 (tried but Coventry kept probing down his flank. No surprise to find two unmarked Coventry players on left hand side of box for their goal) Upson 6 Ferdinand 5 Bowyer 4 (What did he do besides moan?) Mullins 6 Noble 6 Etherington 5 (no pace at all tonight!) Cole 6 (good goal but mostly dozey) Boa-Morte 3 (his touch was dreadful!) Spector 6 (saved a goal by closing down Coventry player and ran about a bit) Pantsil 4 (did he do ANYTHING?) Gabbidon 5

Sunday, 28 October 2007

One Day, Sometime, Never

OK, the definitive nickname for the new Spurs under Ramos: The One Day Nevers!

One day you have 7 points, the next...

Another rumour: "Sevilla president Jose Maria Del Nido plans to report Tottenham to Fifa and Uefa for 'tapping up' his coach Juande Ramos. (Sunday Express)" Perhaps the Premier League should deduct 6 points!

One Day in the life of a keeper!

Another rumour from the bbc! "Tottenham boss Juande Ramos is planning a massive clear-out at White Hart Lane starting with goalkeeper Paul Robinson. (Various)" No need to drop him One Day, he will drop himself!

One day only, buy one, get one for £23m!

Quote from bbc rumours: "New Tottenham manager Juande Ramos wants to raid his former club Sevilla to take ex-Spurs striker Fredi Kanoute back to White Hart Lane and he is also keen to bring £23m-rated defender Daniel Alves with him. (News of the World)" My God, if I was a Spurs fan I'd be worried! £23m for a full back?

Mind you, we are apparently prepared to pay £9m for Johnson!

One Day you're up, the next you're down!

Spurs lose again! Good God, I can hear echoes of Glenn Roeder! This IS getting serious! One Day can't buy until January. It will take 6 weeks or so to bed in the new team once he's recruited Manuel and co! Spurs away to Colchester next season? What's the betting?

One Day Ramos

I gave him 1.4 years but according to Radio 5 Live, his Christian name is pronounced One Day. I know the Spurs board are impatient but surely this is going too far! At least give the guy a week!

Tevez into gear earlier than predicted!

Back in early October I asked, "As for Tevez - does he only start playing in January?" I think Carlos has answered that question! It is a poor Premiership this year but Arsenal look awesome and United have a fantasy team - Rooney, Tevez, Ronaldo, Scholes, Giggs - defenders must be crapping themselves when they see United are next on the fixture list! What a game United-Arsenal promises to be! And suddenly Chelsea are playing a bit too! Typical that West Ham missed both United and Chelsea when they were in the doldrums but had Arsenal at home when the Gunners were in the middle of a purple patch! And you watch, Spurs will warm up with a couple of results before we play them! Sod's Law strikes again!

Shutting up shop at Pompey

My question is, do we want to pick a team to, in the words of Turds after the game, "stop Portsmouth playing"? Is that the West Ham way? Is that what it has come down to? Stop Arsenal playing perhaps, but stop Portsmouth playing? Then you have to look at the selections. Yes he did play 4-5-1 but with Bellyache out of position and obviously out of his depth in the role. Thank God he had to come off, otherwise he would have been sent off second half because of all his moaning and because, with defensive responsibilities, he would have mistimed at least one tackle - and he was already on a yellow. I was furious when Spector and Ferdinand were sent on, not because of who they were but because it gave out a clear message to the team - shut up shop. We were bossing the game at the time! Result, we dropped deeper! Result, we give away a penalty! (And it was a penalty!) People argue it was a reaction to Kanu being sent on. So what? That meant more space for us. The second half belonged to us until those substitutions. There-after, ONLY one team could win, Portsmouth. Tell me, is it ever right to put yourself in a position where it is impossible to win a game? I don't think so.

Saturday, 27 October 2007

The Reign in Spain pours mostly down the drain!

Before Spurs fans start to imagine all the dark days are behind them, they should just contemplate this statistic: Ramos has managed 10 clubs in 14 years! So, before he took over at Sevilla, he had a good track record presumably! - that's more clubs per year as a manager than Megson and Red Stripe Robbo combined! Even the Hoddle of God sticks around at clubs longer than that!

And now Benitez isn't looking all he was cracked up to be is he? Have Spurs jumped on another band wagon to nowhere? How long is that contract? Four years? Why not 1.4 years - that's how long history suggests he will be around for!

Still it provides the opportunity to come up with a new nickname or two for the not so hot spurs. How about Los Blancos - cos every time they try to win anything they draw a blank? Or Los Mananas - cos they always Will finish in the top 4 NEXT season!

One last thought - Inside the word Spain is the word pain! You have been warned!

Friday, 26 October 2007

How much to not give a penalty?

My comment about Clattenburg having an advert for Air Asia on his sleeve has got me thinking. Tell me, when would an advert on a referee's shirt get maximum exposure? Perhaps when the referee grabs the headlines by making an appalling decision? That Air Asia ad on Clattenburg's sleeve featured in countless newspapers and all over the web. Should the FA / Premier League allow this? What guarantee do we have as supporters that the sponsors are not buying exposure by bunging referees to get things controversially wrong? Perhaps somebody really should check who exactly Mr Clattenburg is flying with if he is jetting off on holiday!

At last, Spurs realise that Number Two's shit!

Good God, Chris Hughton has gone too! How many Spurs managers has he "assisted" to the sack over the years?

Mercy sacking

So Jol has been put out of his misery. Not before time sadly, because the guy was going mad before our very eyes. Personally, I rate him but his comments during interviews were getting weirder by the day. Phrases like, "All the players love me" in that dodgy Dutch accent of his. I was beginning to wonder if he had been attracted by the name rather than the performances when he signed Bent!

He will be back of course. Maybe when we flush Turds down the managerial toilet!

Thursday, 25 October 2007

You're a Mug Son!

Gary Megson? Gary Megson? Are the Bolton board mad? I know England did well in the Rugby World Cup by playing ugly but who in their right mind would entrust a Premiership team to Megson? Good God, I thought the Blunted Blades were mad to appoint Red Stripe Robbo (and so it is proving!) but Gary Megson? Have the Bolton board wagered millions on their own relegation? Imagine Megson and Anelka discussing tactics! If I was Turds, I'd be offering to take Anelka on loan to save Bolton the air fares of trying to hunt him down when he does a runner back to the south of France!

I'm changing my prediction! Bolton are going down!

Wednesday, 24 October 2007

7-0 to the Arsenal, 7-0 to the Arsenal

Can't let the Arsenal display pass without comment. The Premiership may be a weak division this year but this Arsenal team are just awesome. Not sure if they can keep it up all season but, at the moment, their football is nothing short of magical. And what a joy to see Walcott in the thick of things. Wright-Phillips or Walcott, who would you have? McClanger or Wenger? No contest! I'd give him the job part time if Arsenal would allow it!

Tuesday, 23 October 2007

Select your handbags gentlemen please!

So Lehmann has "issued a threat" to Wenger. Now there's a fight I'd love to see based on Arsene's waving of his handbag at Pards last season and the way Jens crumpled when Drogba touched his chest! How comes you get banned for feigning injury when a fan mock slaps you but Jens gets away "Bowyer free" when he collapses in a heap every time an opposing forward jumps with him? One cross Jens would never have collected is the Iron Cross!

We're all going on our autumn holidays!

Quote from bbc website: "Referee Mark Clattenburg will miss this weekend's Premier League action because of a planned holiday and not as a result of criticism after last weekend." Presumably, Mr Moyes is wondering who paid for the holiday! I notice that Mr Clattenburg carries an advert for "Air Asia" on his sleeve. Any coincidence that the advert is in red and white? Perhaps Kuyt was suggesting flying when he launched himself two footed through the air. Maybe Steve Gerrard was suggesting possible holiday destinations and the means to fund them when he prompted Mr Clattenburg to exchange his yellow card for a red one. Perhaps Jamie Carragher was suggesting taking it easy on the beach when he invited Lescott to lie down with him in the penalty box!

Something smells fishy? Well I expect Mr Clattenburg is an angler, of one form or another!

Chop Suey

So, Souness has turned down Bolton. What job does he fancy then? He was a Spurs player wasn't he? Or maybe he has his eye on a return to Boro. Or possibly he fancies playing with the millions made available by the new owners of Birmingham? Or maybe, Hughes to Spurs and Souness returning to Blackburn? Any of those clubs are welcome to him - Bolton have had a lucky escape!

Ninth from bottom here we come!

A little serious reflection. The lucky victory over Sunderland means we are stuck with Turds for the time being so what can we reasonably expect between now and the end of the season? Is mid table the best we can hope for? Or are we in a false position with the potential to either push on for a top six position or slide back into a relegation dog fight?

Let's deal with the relegation issue first. Spurs will not go down. Their position is obviously false and, no matter what you think of him, Jol is not Glenn Roeder. Spurs will come good, probably when we play them! In truth, when you take into account that they have played Arsenal, United and Liverpool already, their points tally is probably only 6 or 7 short of what it should be. Had those points been collected, they would be rubbing shoulders with ourselves. The defeat at Sunderland and the home reverse against Everton were their nightmare results.

Bolton are interesting and much will obviously hang on who they bring in to replace Mini Me. I predicted Little Sam's demise back in May but the directors have acted slightly quicker than I expected. Another month of Sammy playing at being manager would have condemned them; now there is time for his replacement to save them. The key will probably be the reaction of Nolan and Anelka to the new boss. If these two want away, Bolton will slip through the trap door. I'd have both at Upton Park! I'm a huge fan of Jewell and believe that if Bolton recruit him, they will stay up.

Derby aren't worth discussing. They will go down.

Fulham are poor too. Sanchez has built a Championship team and that is where they are probably heading. One Cap Chesky reckons he's made a good career move; perhaps that's because he knows he is not a Premiership defender! They should have been relegated last season; only Benitez kept them up by selecting his stiffs at the Cottage. Going down!

So that's two of the three sorted!

What about Sunderland? Well, despite the fact that we made them look like world beaters, they are a very poor team. Keane may be a brilliant motivator and a good tactician but he will have to have the powers of Moses to keep this lot out of the bottom six. I saw the team sheet before kick off and thought, there's nobody outside of the keeper who deserves a Premiership place. By the end, I felt differently about Kenwyne Jones but then Upson can make the average donkey look like a Derby winner. With Chopra, Richardson and Connolly in the squad, they must be live contenders for the drop, especially if Keane sees the writing on the wall and jumps ship in mid season. Let's see, if Spurs decided they couldn't wait for the Spaniard and off loaded Jol? Probably not.

What about Birmingham? Quite, what about Birmingham? How average are Birmingham? Another Championship team and led by a manager who has all the tactical nounce of McClanger. In an average Premiership, they would be my favourites for the third relegation spot unless they are bought out quickly. But even then, who in their right mind would join Birmingham? They are the Vauxhall Nova of the Premiership -no glamour whatsoever despite Sullivan and Karen Brady. And would I live within commuting distance of Birmingham if I was a millionaire footballer? No thanks! Mind you, we all know the name of one idiot who chose to leave West Ham to further his career as a player at Birmingham - step forward Turds!

How about Boro? Well, they are crap! How on earth have they ended up with such a poor team after all the money they have spent over the last few years? Downing will be off in January around about the time Mido gets his letter home from the local authority for being obese and Woodgate books a six month break in California to recuperate from his latest injury! No Yakubu, no Viduka, no hope. And Southgate as a manager; sorry, he just doesn't hack it. If Birmingham are bank rolled Boro will be in big trouble. Fourth from bottom will represent over achievement in my book.

But we still haven't considered Wigan! How poor are they? Our home draw against them will be seen as two points tossed away. Jewell kept them up. Just like Allardyce, the manager was bigger than the club. Hutchins is better than Mini Me but Wigan's trouble is that they will give him more time to fail comprehensively. They don't belong in the Premiership. It has been fun whilst it has lasted but it is surely time to say goodbye. My tip for second from bottom!

And we still haven't reached Reading! How bad is this Premiership? Best league in the world? What a joke! Just like ourselves, Reading have been found out in their second season. You can only charge around at a million miles per hour for so long! Unlike us, Reading will not be able to sign Tevez! The corners will probably keep them up unless Coppell talks himself into resignation. He is prone to depression. On Saturday he looked like he needed Prozak!

So, on that basis, we should be able to finish ninth from bottom without breaking too much sweat. This is a poor division! Outside of seven or eight clubs, there is no quality whatsoever.

So, what about looking upwards? Well there are some teams who will definitely finish above us of course: Arsenal, United, Chelsea, Liverpool and Newcastle (the Allardyce factor!). Is Sven good enough to keep City up there? Possibly. If so, what a mistake it was by the FA to let him go! However, if Elano were to be injured...Then there is Blackburn. Well full marks again to Sparky - he can spot a player and bring the best out of him once he's bought him. Spurs will be above us come the end of April. It hurts me to say it but we all know it's true! Everton? Average team, excellent manager. Head to head with ourselves, you'd have to fancy Moyes to out think Turds. Portsmouth? 'Arry 'as 'em buzzin! Providing he can stave off the Parkinsons, you'd have to fancy Pompey under the old twitcher to make it into Europe this year. But how good are they really? Man for man, no better than ourselves even with our injuries. Which leaves Villa! Well we desperately want Villa to fail because of Reo-Choker; oh the delight to see the pout as he was sent from the field against United! Who was O'Neill so angry with, the ref or the black Judas?

So, at the end of it all, we are playing in a mini league of Villa, Everton, Blackburn, City, Portsmouth and Spurs. Put those into a predicted finishing order and I would go: Portsmouth, Blackburn, Man City, Spurs, Villa, Everton, West Ham. So that's ninth from bottom then! Four places higher than last season! It won't get Turds Manager of the Season will it? The question is, will it get him the chop?

Sunday, 21 October 2007

Lucky Turds

My God, I've just watched Sunderland, yes Sunderland, play us off the Upton Park! We were awful! Noble seemed to think he was wearing red and white stripes, Etherington looked like he had lead weights tied on his legs again (perhaps he had bet on Turds being the first manager for the chop!), Neill still loked out of sorts, Bowyer was back to clogging and Upson was crap. I mean, Kenwyn Jones is big and black and hard to miss but Upson seemed to have no idea where he was all game!

How on earth we won 3-1 will remain a mystery!

I don't like to say I told you so but...

This is what I wrote in May (check it out on the blog if you don't believe me!). Tell me, why in God's name didn't I have a flutter with Ladbrokes?

Doesn't your heart go out to Sammy Lee? Talk about a poison chalice! What price Bolton for relegation next season? Big Sam was always going to be a pig of an act to follow but to replace Big Sam with Little Sam - it's worse than swapping Blair for Brown! So many factors conspired to keep West Ham up this season but chief amongst them was the departure of Allardyce in the week before our game with Bolton. Does anybody really believe we would have been three goals to the good by half time if the big man was at the helm? Poor Sammy, he was so chuffed to be in a suit with the gaffer's earpiece, he quite forgot that there was a match to be won. My prediction: Sammy will be out of work before the end of November and Bolton will be bound for the Championship by early May. The form was bad enough under the Big Man, what hope under his Mini Me side kick? What odds are the bookies offering?

Saturday, 13 October 2007

Give us a break!

Oh God! So the nightmare has come true. Ashton is out for up to 6 weeks, and with Bellyache returning from his break between international fixtures (funny the way Man United & Liverpool players are fit for club games but not for international fixtures but at West Ham, it's often the other way around!), we could find ourselves with Zammo and Cole up front between now and Christmas. So, it's bottom three by December then!

Never mind, I'm sure Turds will buy another injury prone player or two to help them on the road to early retirement.

Sunday, 7 October 2007

What a Tosspot!

How big a tosspot is Garth Crooks? Well not very big in size obviously but nevertheless! On Final Score the jerk asked, "What I want to know is when will Tottenham close out a game?" in that stupid twatish "I'm really angry and I'm entitled to be" way of his. When will Tottenham close out a game? When, exactly, did Tottenham "close out a game" at Anfield when Garth was in the team? What a pillock! Like anybody gives a shit about what Garth Crooks says! Surely there are now enough black guys on the BBC for them no longer to need their token "well spoken negro to rival Trevor Macdonald"? Fuck off to California with your American football slang you stupid fat faced effeminate voiced twat!

Sorry, but I had to get that off my chest!

Wednesday, 3 October 2007

Red Mist or Red Face, Robbo must be shown Red by McClanger

So 125 years were perfectly encapsulated in 90 minutes, or the last 46 years at least! Wasn't that just the perfect Tottenham performance for such a momentous night? 4-1 down at home to Villa? Good God, I bet even Derby manage to keep Villa down to three! But then with Red Mist Robbo changing his name to Red Faced Robbo in one night of agonising shame, what chance did the not so mighty Spurs stand?

God help us if McClanger sticks with Red Face in Russia. They surely won't make the same mistake again! Just hang a cross one yard outside the six yard box and Red Face looks as confused as Bush doing a crossword. The mistakes were two of the worst I have EVER seen. In fact, add in the air kick, allowing Neville's back pass to trickle into the net, and I think Red Face has the three worst ever.

Did McClanger see Green's heroics against Arsenal? I'm not saying he is Peter Shilton, but at least Green isn't Gary Sprake! In fact, I think comparing Sprake to Red Face is probably doing the Welsh wanker an injustice!

Monday, 1 October 2007

Turds Drops Another Big One!

Here we go again! Okay, defeats away to Newcastle and at home to a buzzing Arsenal are not a disaster but what on earth does Turds think he is up to? Am I mad or has Mullins been playing rather well? And Parker? He looked dazed and confused before kick off and petrified once the ball was in play. Tentative, anxious, dazed, he was bloody hopeless. Then on came Mullins at half time and suddenly we had some bite in midfield. Just what has Mullins done to upset Turds? And then there's Gabbidon! Was he not our player of the year in our first year back up? And when he came on against Arsenal, suddenly the defence looked so much more solid. Is Turds picking Upson and Parker to justify the fees I wonder?

And what about Neill? He was hopelessly at fault for the first two goals against Newcastle and nowhere to be seen for the third (although the cross came from the Newcastle left flank from inside the penalty box!) Why, exactly, was Bowyer trying to make the tackle in the right back position inside the box for the second goal and what was Neill up to when he tried to dribble the ball out of defence to set up Newcastle's first? Come the Arsenal game and diagonal balls were being played up to Diaby with Neill again nowhere to be seen! And when the goal was scored, Neill as good as offered Van Persie a lift up to score the goal! And what pray was McCartney up to? Ferdinand was holding Adebeyour up on the edge of the box and, rather than go wide to mark Hleb, McCartney ran into the box and marked empty space, leaving Hleb all the time in the world to deliver his cross! Pathetic!

One last moan. Camera or Cole? Good God, it makes you yearn for Clyde Best! These two are bloody hopeless. Camera runs around like a headless chicken and doesn't understand the off side law; and Cole doesn't run at all! How much are we paying these two clowns exactly?

Let's hope the cheque book is opened in January. We HAVE to buy a left back and we URGENTLY need another striker. Without Bellamy and Ashton we would be stuffed!

Friday, 14 September 2007

Taking Stock

Well the first half was brilliant: not just England but the game! It was a real throw back, a match where players passed the ball FORWARDS and tried to score more goals than the opposition. When I saw the shape of the Russian team I thought, here we go, it's got 0-0 written all over it. Instead, perhaps thanks to the early goal, we were treated to 45 minutes of pulsating football - what a joy!

Gareth Barry has been a revelation. He uses the ball instead of passing it sideways or backwards. And his defensive work was excellent. It's of course overstating it to claim that his first misplaced pass came in the 87th minute of the second match, but he certainly retained possession better than Lampard without "playing safe" like Hargreaves. It was a masterclass in how to play "box to box"!

Heskey's contribution has also been exaggerated. True he won EVERY ball in the air but most of his "knock ons and knock downs" fell at the feet of Russians and, as usual, he was as effective in front of goal as a eunuch with mouth ulcers in an orgy. But credit to the guy, he unsettled the Russians and drew the defenders to him, so creating the space for Owen. McClanger has a difficult call now. Do we want the superior skill and goal threat of Crouch (did I just write that description of old daddy long legs?) or the sheer physical presence of Heskey? And where does that leave Rooney?

Wright-Phillips was, in my view, disappointing. He flunked his header, closing his eyes as the ball cleared the defender, and failed to clear the first defender with the majority of his crosses. With the pace of Richards on the right, there still might be a place for Beckham, with Richards pulling the full back away, creating the space for Beckham's crosses. Or maybe Rooney could play wide right. Would that work?

Richards, of course, was the real revelation. The guy is so athletic, so powerful, so quick and so confident. And that long throw is a wonderful weapon with Heskey in the team.

On the other hand, Ashley Cole was a worry. His positional sense was poor and he was done for pace in the second half. Whereas Richards runs beyond his "winger", Cole now seems to regard the edge of the penalty box as the byline. His "angled" balls into the box are poorly directed and he seems low on confidence. Has the injury had lasting effects or is it marriage?

Joe Cole was, at best, adequate. He fluffed his big chance to score and, like his namesake, doesn't seem to realise that the byline is as deep as the corner flag. Every cross was from the edge of the box. Knowing where the ball is coming from must be easier to defend against irrespective of the quality of the delivery - we saw that with Beckham. The left side is, therefore, still a problem. Either Ashley rediscovers the ability and pace to power beyond his "winger" or we need a left footer with pace in Joe's position. Anyone fancy a bet on Etherington?

Gerrard? I don't think he was at his best in either game but he was still impressive. Owen? How could we have ever doubted him?

Still worried about Red Mist Robbo though. Why didn't the Russians test him with crosses?

Wednesday, 12 September 2007

Tempting Fate

It's 5.32, two short hours before the Russia game. Dare I say how good we looked against Isreal on Saturday? Did Gerrard and Barry look like a central midfield partnership made in heaven? Did Wright-Phillips really look like an international fooballer at last? Was Richards really the revelation I thought he was? Did Heskey really have a good game? Did Owen really look vaguely like the Owen of young?

But then, it was only Isreal...the test will come when the Russians get a free kick or corner and Red Mist Robbo has to decide whether to come or stay or come or stay or come or stay or...pick the ball out of the back of the net!

Fingers crossed. No not you Robinson!

Saturday, 1 September 2007

Painting by numbers

Anybody else notice Mervyn "Slipped Through My Fingers" Day giving Noble his instructions b4 he came on as a substitute at Rovers? He must have flicked through twenty pages in the "tactical manual". Poor lad, Noble thought he was going on for a game of footy, instead he appeared to be receiving directions on how to drive from Mile End to Bristol without using any M or A roads! Noble nodded a lot but, to be honest, had a "What the fuck are you going on about?" look on his face. Pards was famously caught writing down the half time score in his notepad; the new management team seem to think everything can be reduced to painting by numbers!


In a state of shock! Secretly I fancied us at Reading, but to win 3-0 - that surpassed by wildest hopes! At this rate, Turds might keep his job! Delighted to see Etherington scoring. He was a key player in our first triumphant season back up and we missed him more than was acknowledged last season. He lacks that extra yard of pace and clearly has stamina issues but the lad can cross and has a very good range of passes. When Etherington is confident and buzzing the team suddenly has width and the pitch opens up. Good to see Ashton taking another positive step back and Bellyache seems to have the bit between his teeth. And maybe, just maybe, Bowyer has his hunger back. Parker must be wondering if he'll get in the team! I think Turds was actually smiling genuinely (as opposed to ruefully) in the post match interview!

As for Tevez - does he only start playing in January?

Mine's a Carling!

Anybody puzzled by the Blunted Blades' mid week triumph and weekend defeat only needs to look at the names of the respective competitions. Now let's face it, Red Stripe Robbo isn't going to get excited about the Coca Cola Championship is he? (Where's the Bacardi?) But the Carling Cup - now you're talking!!!!


Carlsberg don't do pub teams but if they did they'd probably call the team Sheffield United!

Watch the advert on the TV. Who is that sitting AT the bar? You've guessed it, Red Stripe Robbo!

Hold the Front Page!

Hold the front page! Incredible news coming in from West Ham on transfer deadline day. We can exclusively reveal West Ham have signed....
Er no.
Joe Cole?
Not quite.
Just signed a contract extension so who knows, he might come in January.
Shorey then?
Then Barnes of Derby?
Too expensive I'm afraid.
Then who?
Heard of Camara?
Yes, he's not good enough for the Wigan team is he?
That's right! So Turds has managed to capture him on loan.
But he's not good enough for Wigan!
Exactly! Stroke of genius from Turds, he's found somebody nobody else wanted! Clever eh? And that's not all, we've signed a top international midfielder!
Really? Somebody from Italy?
Not quite.
From Brazil?
Argentina then?
Columbia? Mexico?
It's not Paddington is it?
Very funny!
But what about all the money we're supposed to have?
It's being used to build a new treatment room!

Friday, 31 August 2007

Unlucky Managers

It seems to me that some managers are brilliant (like Ferguson), some managers are indisputably shite (like Red Stripe) and some carry the worst curse of all - they are unlucky. McClanger unfortunately has a foot in both the shite and unlucky camps!!!!!

Reflecting back on my proposed team (earlier blog), it is amazing to think that Rooney, Ashton and Beckham are already out, Gerrard and Hargreaves may be and Joe Cole isn't playing for Roublesea. And I only picked the midfielders and forwards. It really is a struggle to think of a team that would suit my proposed formation! Poor old McClanger! Still, this shows why you have to win your games when the injury curse isn't hitting you so hard. If we fail to qualify then results earlier in the campaign will be more to blame!

There's only one thing to do with an unlucky manager - sack him! Then, when the injuries clear up suddenly and the team goes on a winning run, he can justifiably tell everybody, "I was just unlucky!"

Hasn't Turds been bemoaning his luck recently?

Sweating Turds

Hmmm, up beat didn't last long. Weak draw at home to Wigan, broken leg for Dyer (surprise surprise!) and inept second half performance against the mighty Bristol Rovers. Adriano won't join us - the dinners aren't big enough I'd guess looking at his bulk - Anelka has signed a new contract at Bolton (so he will move in January then!) and I'm worried that we still don't have a left back, a viable alternative up front (how bad was Zamora at Rovers!!!!) and we are still thin creatively in midfield. Turds must still be sweating as he looks up at Gollum's gloomy face in the stands!

More trouble at the Blunted Blades with the finess coach quitting - any truth in the rumour that he didn't agree with Red Stripe's liquid diets?

Saturday, 18 August 2007

Turds for Manager of the Month!

Time to write whilst feeling up beat!!!!

Clean sheet without Neill and a recognised left back! In control of the game! Noble dictating midfield! Bellyache and Diarrhea both pulled down in the box! Victory without Ashton, Parker and Yumberg! Europe here we come! Turds for manager of the month!

Looks like Birmingham, Sunderland and Derby are going to struggle. Bolton and Fulham will also challenge for the bottom three (as predicted b4 the season started). Wigan will struggle when the tougher fixtures arrive. What are we worrying about?

Open and Shut Case

Defending the legal action brought by the Blunted Blades must be one of the easiest jobs in the world. West Ham responsible for their relegation, who are they kidding?

Your Honour, I give you exhibit A - Neil Warnock. Enough said?

For exhibit B I offer you the Sheffield United team sheet. Is that really a team worthy of a place in the Premiership?

Exhibit C - Look at the table after two games in the Championship!

Exhibit D - They appointed Red Stripe Robbo as manager. Clearly, your Honour, the club have a death wish!

I rest my case.

McClanger's Options

Full marks to Steve McClanger - he's not afraid of reversing a decision is he? First Becks, now Campbell and James - the future may not be safe in McClanger's hands but there's no need to set up an England Vets Team - they're all in the full squad anyway!

It's amazing isn't it, how quickly the "Golden Generation" has fizzled into the Old Mother Hubbard Generation - the cupboard's suddenly bare! Is there really such a dearth of talent coming through? Perhaps if Defoe signed for a club prepared to pick him? Perhaps if Johnson was given 2 or 3 games in a row? Perhaps if Ashton was fit? Remember, these guys are the reserves, in Rooney we have the most exciting talent England has possessed since Gazza.

Look at the World Cup Squad of 1990 which reached the semifinal. Take out Gazza (for Rooney) and Lineker (for Owen) and would it have been that special? Look who England had in reserve for the first choice strikers - only Steve Bull who wasn't even a top flight striker! Barnes and Platt were listed as forwards but neither were out and out strikers. Lampard, Gerrard, Lennon and Wright-Phillips would all count as strikers on that basis.

Who would you rather have, Crouch or Bull? Defoe or Bull? Ashton or Bull? Bent or Bull? Johnson or Bull? The truth is, it is not a dearth of strikers that is the problem, it is the absence of a Waddle and a Gascoigne, truly creative midfielders with the ability to both run and pass their way through defences. We need Cole back, and not on the left but in central midfield. We need to move away from 4-4-2, the system does not suit the personnel, and move to 4-1-2-1-2 with Cole in the hole, Hargreaves as the anchor and Rooney and Ashton up front. For the two in midfield, I'd go wih Gerrard and Beckham. The interchange potential could be enormous and with Ashton and Rooney both feeding runners from midfield, we could look for goals from Gerrard, Beckham and Cole, in addition to the two strikers. And if Rooney is out? I'd go for Owen and drop Ashton deeper.

Will McClanger try it? Doubtful. He's experimented once and ended up in tears. But then, this man is at least willing to reverse a decision!

Bleak House

So the cracks are showing (and that's not just when the Hammerettes do their high kicks!). Gollum has apparently given Turds six weeks to save his job, the Blunted Blades are trying to out-Jarndyce Jardyce versus Jardyce and Craig Bellyache has had his first hissyfit with Turds. Arrive stage right Kieran Dyer! Never mind the rights to the games, somebody should be negotiating hard to buy the rights to the training ground. Why not buy back Hartson just for a laugh? Bellyache already has the golf club, now, "anything but gentlemen", choose your weapons please!

Wednesday, 15 August 2007

Looking down on Spurs

There's one consolation in looking at a Premiership table that shows West Ham third from bottom - and that's to see Spurs propping us all up! Two games gone and two defeats - against the mighty Sunderland and Everton no less. I'd say that a top 4 spot has already been surrendered. Big Sam, Moyes and Wenger must all now regard games with each other as six pointers whilst Spurs start to fret about securing a EUFA or Inter Toto spot. Why on earth did they spend that money on Bent when the midfield is clearly so lacking in width and creativity? There's no point in having an arsenal (sorry, no pun intended) of guns if you have no ammunition to load them with. I would have thought Keano could have told Jol that!

Still hopefully Spurs will sack the meat pie challenged one. I'd have him ahead of Turds any day of the week (except, perhaps on Sundays - who ate all the yorkshire puddings?)!

Come on Derby!!!!!

Tuesday, 14 August 2007

Any Eidur?

More transfer speculation but still no talk of a left back. Surely it is obvious even to Turds that McCartney isn't god enough? I know Onecapchelsky wasn't brilliant but he was, at least, an option. But then, when Turds doesn't like you, that's it!

It may be early but I think Turds should be flushed down the managerial toilet. That's not knee jerk - read my blogs through last season - as Oncecap says, he aint up to the job. Just think, if we had been bold and appointed a manager with status in the game, we might, just might, have kept Tevez. Seems from what Onecap says that even Bent doesn' like him - and it was Turds who plucked him from the Championship!

First manager for the chop?

Not sure what the official odds are but I'd say it is a straight fight between Turds and Mini Me Sammy Lee. Both got off to disaterous starts on Saturday. Both are already cursing injuries. Neither commands the respect of his players, both have succeeded managers who the fans adored, neither inspires confidence when you watch them on the touch line. Question is, when Turds goes (my bet is early October), who will replace him? Roeder is looking for a job - only joking!!!!!

Here we go again! Turds overheard on the touchline!

Ready,, hold on a minute, I'm not ready! I haven't spent my chairman's money! I've sold players without buying replacements! I haven't got a left back! I don't know my best centre back pairing, all my summer signings are injured, Ashton isn't ready, my right back is injured and his replacement is crap, the City players don't even know each other so how am I meant to tacically outsmart them? I can't look, I can't look, tell me when it's all over! I'll send on Etherington! Now I'll move him to left back! Mullins! I wanted to off load him but anyone's better than Bowyer! Get on there Ashton! Is it over yet? I can't look! I can't look! Where is Tevez when you need him? Anybody got any ideas because I'm clueless!

Sunday, 15 July 2007

Turds Tantrum

So Turds is upset because Fergy has claimed that Tevez single handedly saved us from the drop last season. Quite right too! Surely Lady Luck deserves at least 50% of the credit! Mind you, it just shows what a Ho she is, climbing into bed with an ugly mother ****** like Carlos!

Saturday, 14 July 2007

Yossi Phone Home

So Israeli E.T. lookalike Yossi Benayoun phones home to his Mamma and asks how she is. "Yossi, my boy" she replies, "things are bad back home. Your father has been taken hostage and they are threatening to behead him. The house was pelted last night by a stone throwing mob and your sister was gang raped on her way home from the synagogue." Mamma Benayoun sobs down the phone before continuing, "Yossi, why in the name of Abram did you move us to Liverpool?"


Any truth in the rumour that they are inventing a new Cluedo game, "Who relegated Sheffield United?" Was it Chairman Brown in the Boleyn Ground with the dodgy signing? Or Professor Benitez in the Cottage with the dodgy selection? Or most likely, Colonel Warnock in the Premiership with the shit team!

The net is closing!

So Interpol are after IKEA Joorabchian (he who "sold" us a flatpack Mascherano that we couldn't work out how to put together!). Never mind arbitration panels and the High Court, the Blunted Blades will be calling for a War Crimes Commission next, claiming Tevez is the son of Josef Mengele!

Selling off the family plastic

Am I worrying unnecessarily as Turds empties the plastic cutlery drawer but seems to have nothing to replace it with? Onecapchesky to Fulham, Reo-Choker to Villa, Christmas Carol to Rangers, Mears to Derby, Marlon Mahogony to Wigan and Yossi Circumcision to the Reds.

Sure, there's a certain joy at the thought of Softwood and Heskey forming a miss a barn door from five yards partnership at Wigan and of Liverpool knocking a ball down the line for an Israeli who's gone missing on the West Bank (or left flank if you prefer!) Obviously, the moment when Reo-Choker pouts at an angry O'Neil as he is hauled from the pitch will be something to treasure. But, assuming Tevez has gone, what have we got left?

The squad is now tissue thin. Will Upson ever rise from the treatment table? Has Ashton got two good ankles? Where is the midfield cover? Who will fill in for Bellamy when he goes down for a three month stretch? Does this look like a squad challenging for a Champions League place as we were promised or a team that will get a nose bleed if it climbs half a dozen places off the bottom of the table? Where are the goals going to come from, remembering that Ashton only has a handful of Premiership goals to his name anyway? Suddenly I'm pining for Bent or Defoe!

It could be worse of course - we could have "invested" ten million in Chopra and Richardson! How long before the wearysiders realise that Keane isn't Fergy in disguise?

Tuesday, 3 July 2007

Irony (Which Bush thinks borders Iraq)

So Reo-Choker is departing. I have only one thing to say:

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West.
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever; I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.


When the battle's lost and won!

Now let's get this right. The arbitration panel had sympathy for Sheffield United and agreed that they would have deducted points from West Ham had they been conducting the hearing; but nevertheless reached the conclusion that an incorrect decision should stand. That's just about the gist of it isn't it?

So, in the words of Macbeth, "Fair is foul and foul is fair"; or "when the battle's lost and won"! Talk about equivocation! I'm a Hammers fan and I'm beginning to feel sympathy for the blunted Blades. Thank God Warnock's gone or we would never have heard the end of it! As for Red Stripe Robbo, he probably doesn't even realise there was a hearing! One for the road Red Stripe? Sorry, make that one for the river!

Never mind Sheffield, it never rains but it pours eh?

(Cue Macbeth - When shall we three meet again? In thunder, lightening and in rain. Where the place? The Championship. There to meet with...Colchester!)

Sunday, 1 July 2007

Pole Dancing in St John's Wood

So, after a fantastic day with Andy, Mike, Martin and friends watching a fairly routine victory over the Windies at Lords, we ended up in the Castle for a few pints and who did we bump into? Only Graham "I'm more misunderstood than Reo Choker" Poll !!! What a twat!

Poll was holding court to anybody who would lick his arse (although, surprise, surprise, he had no mates of his own!). Sadly, I could not resist the temptation of boasting to Mr Poll that I am a teacher and pointing out that in my profession we all have a common duty. Graham asked what duty and I replied, to teach numeracy, and specifically the difference between two yellow cards and three; the Special One (as in Needs!) was not amused!

Very interestingly, during our chat (Poll pontificating in truth) the numerically challenged one confessed to match fixing - claiming his sister in law was a Gooner and because she had annoyed him, he turned down a stone wall penalty in the next Arsenal game. No allegedly here, this was Graham's personal testimony!

He was picked up in a chauffeur driven people carrier. Wonder how he could afford that on a referee's salary??????

Sunday, 24 June 2007

Useless Tosser

So, award for the most pointless thing in the world? Top suggestions: a wife for Prince Edward; a left shoe for Heather Mills McCartney; a mirror for Ian Dowie; a trampoline for Stephen Hawking.

But none of those come close to a British tennis player who can't get fit for Wimbledon! It's only two weeks in the year for pity's sake - or one week if we stay true to form! What is it that's keeping Never Hurry A Murray out? A wrist injury! Perhaps he should stop tossing his caber!


Apparently Roy Keane was invited to a "Teaching and Learning" seminar recently, designed to improve the average IQ of football managers. The session opened with the teacher saying, "I'd like to explore your vocabulary. Let's begin with the word contagious; who can give me a sentence including the word contagious in context?"

After an explanation of what the words "sentence" and "context" meant, a number of hands were raised. Martin Jol volunteered, "When Carrick got a tummy bug, it proved contagious." The teacher said, "Well done" and gave him all the pies.

Red Stripe Robbo belched and volunteered, "Alcohol Abuse is an illness but it isn't contagious." The teacher gave him a drink as a prize.

Keane then raised his hand and volunteered: "When Mick McCarthy said he was going to turn Wolves into a Premiership team, I said it would take that cunt ages!"

Much Ado About Nothing

Perhaps the Henry transfer will be the spark that will ignite the transfer market. Apart from Parker and Barton and United's big three signings, has anybody actually moved clubs yet? So much speculation, so little action. Are we really in for Wright-Phillips? Who is going to play left back for us next season? Who will partner Ashton up front? Is Tevez coming, going or staying put? What about Nugent? When is Harewood going and to where exactly? Does anybody really want Reo-Choker? When is Bent's appointment for his circumcision?

Some of the money being talked is absurd. That fantastic tournament, the Inter Toto Cup has kicked off and the squads are almost all the same as on the last day of the season. Come on! Let's see the cheque books, it's all getting a bit boring!

All actions and reactions are equal but some actions and reactions are more equal than others!

Is it any wonder kids are struggling with Maths? Einstein is busily rewriting Relativity Theory in the light of current transfer values. Henry, the best player on the face of this earth, is sold for £16m; Darren Bent, nearly an England man, is on his way for the same fee!

The Game's Gone Crazy? You bet it has! In the light of Bent's fee, the £9m we have to pay to play Tevez (even though he's apparently our own player!) seems like great value!

You can stuff nostalgia, Henry was the Best!

All joking apart, what terrible news about Henry. Years ago, when England (boasting Gooch, Gower and Gatting in the batting line-up) were thrashing the Aussies, Matthew Engel wrote an immortal line, "You can stuff nostalgia, this was brilliant!" Va Va Voom should have that as his trademark.

Perhaps Pele was better but then look who Pele had in the team with him and look at the space he was afforded. I saw Cruyff. I saw Maradonna. I saw Best. Thierry is head and shoulders above all of them because the game is now so much faster.

The Premiership will be so much the poorer without him. Henry and Wenger transformed Arsenal from a spluttering Rover into a purring Porsche. Best League in the world? Not if Thiery is playing elsewhere!

No Villa for Reo-Choker

What's this? Villa aren't so keen on Reo-Choker now? So, Nigel, that's Arsenal, Manchester United, Liverpool, Chelsea, Spurs, Newcastle and Villa who have thought, then thought better of signing you. Wonder why that is? Perhaps it's the pouty face? Never mind mate, Sunderland or Birmingham might yet express an interest! Alternatively, you might just face up (hard with that pouty droop) to a few home truths: starting with, you're bloody lucky to be at West Ham!

Now shut up and put up! Give us eight goals from midfield next season and who knows, a mid table team might express an interest!

Charlton Ladies Going Down

Terrible news that Charlton are folding their "Ladies" team in a cost cutting exercise following the relegation of the lads' team. How unfair is that? Of course, it sets up opportunities for cheap jibes at Girly Footy. Not one to pass on an opportunity how about, "Charlton's foray into women's footie goes tits up!" (for starters)? Sad to know that the optimistic chants from the Valley terraces of "Going down, going down, going down" will never again be heard!

Actually, it's a terrible case of missed marketing opportunities. Charlton should have retained bankrupt Dowie as manager and marketed the Girlies' Games under Disney Titles: Beauties and the Beast or Ladies and the Tramp. (Mind you, looking at some of those "Ladies" perhaps Cats and Dogs would be a more appropriate title!)

Friday, 22 June 2007

Nigel Misso-Choker

As patriotic as I am, I must confess to cheering when Nigel Reo -I'm a misunderstood superstar - Choker failed to tuck away his penalty in the shoot out. Shame it was Anton's miserable effort that eventually led to our elimination because I'm sure there would have been knees up Mother Brown parties all the length of Green Street had Reo-Choker's pathetic attempt led directly to our elimination.

Nobody loves me at West Ham! Nobody loves you anywhere in England now Nigel!!!

Come on Villa, let's see the colour of your money! £8m for a guy who sidefoots a pass to the keeper in a penalty shoot out? They must be barmy!

Spin on that Sven

So Keith Harris is brokering the deal to take Sven to City is he? The club has always been a bit of a Donald Duck outfit but fancy employing a guy who has had his hand shoved up a yellow duck's arse for the last quarter of a century to recruit your new manager!

Does Orville know about the new slanty eyed owner? He'd best take care or he'll end up in a pancake with sliced spring onion and cucumber!

Can't wait for Keith's new show - with Sven on his lap. Still I'm sure Sven is already well versed in the joys of fisting after his fling with Ulreka! Isn't that why poor misunderstood Stan Collymore got confused and punched her?

Wednesday, 20 June 2007

Shearer on the piss

Quotation from Big Al:

Shearer added: "I was having a few days away in France with my former Newcastle team-mates Gary Speed and Steve Harper and the wives and I picked up the newspaper. I was having a fantastic day. But when I read Bellamy for Newcastle I thought I would definitely have to have another drink. I had several. "

Sounds to me as if Alan is planning to swap his stripes. Is he in training to become Red Stripe Robbo's assistant at Sheffield United I wonder?

Tuesday, 19 June 2007

Trading Places

So, is Teddy trying to swap his gong? CBE for an MBE? CBE for an MBE?

Those cameras must be bloody good mustn't they if they can't tell Sherringham and Newton apart? How tall is Teddy? 6'1 / 6'2? How short is Newton, 5'6 / 5'7? Then there's the little matter than Teddy is white and Newton is black (except the end of his nose which has been known to be white in the past, allegedly!) Perhaps that's where Bobby Zamora comes in. Perhaps it's like in The Fly. Teddy gets in the car white, drives so fast his molecules rearrange into Zammo, then, as he slows down, he comes out the other side fully cooked as Newton.

What comedian came up with that Honours List I wonder? Was it Bernard Manning's passing shot before heading for the great stand up stage in the sky? Did I tell you the one about the two lesbian angels...or the big fat comedian who climbed the Stairway to Heaven only to discover that the doorman at the Pearly Gates is Jewish!

If Bob Monkhouse was dead, he'd be turning in his grave; for the time being, he's...dead. Isn't he?

Sunday, 17 June 2007

All animals are equal but some are more equal than others!

A friend in need...It's interesting isn't it, the way the Gang of Four has shrunk to the Gang of One? The Wigan chairman made the right noises about supporting Sheffield United's appeal but seems to have gone quiet lately and where are Charlton and Fulham when the Blades most need them? Charlton were happy to do business with us - "Liars and cheats? Never mind, show me the money!" - and Fulham seem to have their minds on another enquiry - like who was behind the murder of Diana and Dodi!

Of course, Charlton's attitude is entirely pragmatic. If they hope for an immediate return to the Premiership, the last thing they want is West Ham relegated with them. Who would you back to win the most matches in the Championship, West Ham or Red Stripe Robbo's Stella outfit? Al Fayed, meanwhile, knows that words are cheap - unless you need a Tory MP to give voice to them in the House of Commons! And I'm sure he has half an eye on business as well. The Bentley Babes are surely more likely to shop in 'Arrods than Red Stripe's Down and Outs.

Snouts in the trough! If Wedgewood Benn was dead, he'd be turning in his grave; for the time being, he's just twitching in his multi million pound mansion!

Saturday, 16 June 2007

Wags and Chavs

With salaries rocketing so high, four of our footballing superstars are feeling so rich this weekend that they are taking their first tentative steps towards a divorce settlement!

Speaking of Chav weddings, what does a Chav wedding and the betrothal of Sir Paul McCartney to Heather have in common? Only in a Chav wedding is the bride legless before the ceremony!

No man is an island!

How did we get Tevez? Well, the story goes that when Luther Missit turned up for his first training session at AC Milan after his big money move from Watford, he was told to take the corners. Not surprisingly, Luther was perplexed and asked why. The Milan coach said, "That's why we bought you - great dribbling, brilliant corners, pin point crosses." Turns out there had been a number change in the programme when the Milan scouts had watched Watford, with Blissett and Barnes swapping shirts. The Mafia had bought the wrong black man! (Be warned Spurs, there are two Bents at Charlton!)

And the relevance to Tevez? Apparently the Argies confused Whitechapel with Whitehall and saw that a guy called Brown was doing the deal. It's no coincidence that maps all over Argentina are now showing the Falklands as the Malvinas!

If dead, Maggie would be turning in her grave. For the time being, she's just twitching on her zimmer frame!

Arise Sir Satan of Baghdad

Interesting Honours List. Salman Rushdie? I'm sure Muslims around the world will appreciate that one! As if Iraq isn't provocation enough!

Maybe whoever nominated him has a poor memory - possibly because he's smoked too much of the stuff that led to Sir Beefy being suspended from test matches!

Will Sherri get his gong in a dentist's chair? Or has he bedded one of the judges?

Oleg Gordievsky? Well there's a poke in the eye for Putin. As if he needed one!

And David Starkey? Who says manners count for nothing in modern day Britain?

Poor old Becks - you would have thought playing away with Rebecca Loos would have been disgraceful enough to secure his knighthood. I'm sure when down on her knees Becca would have said to Golden Balls "Arise sir David" if her mouth hadn't been full at the time!

If Barrymore was dead, he'd be turning in his grave; for the time being, he's just twitching in somebody's anus.

Threesomes, strange bedfellows, dogs and the pricking of thumbs

More quotes from the bard for football clubs:

For Newcastle after pairing Barton with Dyer under the subtle leadership of Big Sam: "Cry "Havoc," and let slip the dogs of war."

For Portsmouth: "Cry God for 'Arry, England and St George!" (As in George Graham, the patron saint of bungs?)

For Newcastle: "Dear Duff"! (Banquo in Macbeth)

For Arsenal as Arsene shows increasing signs of having lost his marbles hall: "Who can be wise, amazed, temp'rate, and furious, Loyal and neutral in a moment? No man." (And specifically after Wenger's waving of his handbag at Pards) "Th'expedition of my violent love outran the pauser, reason. Here lay Flamini, his silver skin laced with his golden blood and his gashed shin looked like a breach in nature, for ruin's wasteful entrance. There the murderers, steeped in the claret and blue colours of their trade; their boots unmannerly breeched with gore. Who could refrain?" (Macbeth)

For Liverpool, as their fans storm another Champions League final: "Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more, Or close the wall up with our English dead!"

For West Ham as we await the arbitration decision: "Pray you now, forget and forgive".

For Newcastle as they await the arrival of Barton: "By the pricking of my thumbs, Something wicked this way comes." (or for whichever club signs Bellamy!!!!!)

For Sheffield United following their relegation: "Out, damned stripes! Out, I say!" or "When beggars die there are no comets seen".

For West Ham in celebration of threesomes (shared ownership or third party involvement to you and me!): "What's mine is yours, and what is yours is mine."

Another for the Hammers: "Frailty, thy name is Ashton!" or for Newcastle, ""Frailty, thy name is Owen!" or for Spurs, "Frailty, thy name is pressure!"

For Liverpool if they sign Owen again and partner him with Crouch: "This is the short and the long of it" or from Owen's point of view, "Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows".

For Portsmouth in the light of 'Arry's club 'surprisingly' being "somewhat mentioned" in the bung enquiry: "Something is rotten in the state of Football."

For Man City after the sacking of Pearce: "Not that I lov'd England less, but that I lov'd City more". (Julius Caesar)

For Fulham after the sacking of Coleman: "So wise so young, they say do never live long" or "Et tu, Al Fayed" or what Fulham fans will cry to their chairman under "Long ball Sanchez": "I am dying, Egypt, dying"! (Or is this just an anthology of Diana's last words?)

Friday, 15 June 2007

Monopoly Money & Vampire Slayers

I've said it before and I'll say it again, Curbs is one bloody lucky manager! £17 million for Bent? The Charlton board must have thought all their Christmases had arrived at once! Thank God he refused to join! Now perhaps Curbs can get a sense of perspective. £12 m for Defoe was over the top but was at least "in the ball park". There must be better value out there somewhere. Look at McCarthy, he only cost £2.5 million and, unlike Bent, he scores regularly and has a good fitness record. Surely there's another one like that out there somewhere! How much do United want for Saha? What about Yakubu? Or Nugent? Isn't he worth a punt at a price between 5 and 7 million? For heaven's sake Spurs only paid £11m for Berbatov!!! How about Van Helsing from Celtic? Or Freddie Kanoute - apparently he can be had for £7m!

Come on Curbs, we are still more Whitechapel and the The Old Kent Road than Mayfair and Park Lane! It comes to something when Liverpool can't match the salaries we're offering! If 'Arry was dead he'd be turning in his grave! For the time being, he's just twitching on the touchline!

Thursday, 14 June 2007

Great Thai Starter!

Tasty opening fixtures! Birmingham away to Chelsea - I predict five goals for the Billionaire's Blues rather than the Blue Movie Blues; Big Sam (with Barton and Dyer) away to Mini Me's leftovers - I predict five red cards!

And Sheffield United? That's a home fixture with Colchester United for you Blades despite your howls of protest. Still with Red Stripe Robbo in charge does it really matter who you're playing? Cheers, the Colchester fans are banking on the three points already!

And for the mighty Hammers? Well bring on Man City! Who knows, by then they MAY have a manager and an owner. Then again they may not! What they won't have is Barton! If we can't get three points from this one, we are going to struggle!

Spring Roll on August!!!!!!!

Thieving Bleedin' Scousers!

Not content with hub caps, cars, credit cards and their own kids' tickets for the Champions League final, those bloody scousers are now trying to steal players. One million for Yossi? What a joke!

Epileptic Games

Why all this controversy over the 2012 London Olympics logo? Has the whole nation failed to spot Blair's master plan? Recognising that we don't stand a "Watford in the Premiership's" chance of winning any golds in the real games, Blair is hoping to turn the whole nation epileptic so we can increase our medal haul in the Special Olympics. This perhaps explains why MRSA is running unchecked through our hospitals - every lost leg is another potential medal! Before we know it Heather Mills will be the "Face of our Olympic challenge".

Sorry, bad taste I know. Only pulling your leg Heather!

Mind you, if that's bad taste, I've just found this on the net (and it's true!) : "Born in January 1968, Heather Mills McCartney is a Patron of Adopt-A-Minefield"; you couldn't write it could you? There's your minefield Heather, hop to it!"

Wednesday, 13 June 2007

We bear a charmed life (continued)

More Shakespearean slogans for football clubs (see below for the originals)

For Sunderland as Roy Keane starts to learn some hard truths about what a £20m transfer kitty will buy you: "There ’s small choice in rotten apples". (Taming of the Shrew)

For West Ham if Curbs wastes £18 million on Bent, "Oh I am Fortune's fool!" (Romeo and Juliet)

For Man City upon finding that their Thai Green Curry Abramovich has had his "assets frozen" (how painful does that sound?): "Nothing can come of nothing". (Lear to Cordelia) or "Oft expectation fails, and most oft there where most it promises." (Ironically "All's Well that Ends Well"; not a phrase oft associated with the blue half of Manchester!)

For Birmingham: "I have a kind of alacrity in sinking." (Merry Wives of Windsor)

For Reading as they enter the second "difficult season" having hoped themselves out of Europe this year: "Be not afraid of greatness" (Twelfth Night)

For Blackburn: "All the infections that the sun sucks up from bogs, fens, flats, on Savage fall, and make him by inch-meal a disease" (The Tempest)

For Spurs and Arsenal jointly: "A plague o' both your houses!"

Tuesday, 12 June 2007

Inquest Fixing Scandal

Rumours abound of a Pakistani betting ring collecting millions in winnings following the shock announcement that Bob Woolmer died from natural causes. With strangulation at odds on and poisoning at evens, natural causes was the 8-1 outsider of three. A shell shocked bookie said, "There have been some very suspicious betting patterns, not least from members of the local police force. We are calling for an urgent inquiry and are suspending settlement of all bets pending a ruling."

At least Woolmer can now be cremated. It is understood his ashes will be kept in an urn and that Pakistan will play Ireland every four years for the new trophy. A spokeman said, "The games might not be as big as the England Australia matches but, given the size of Bob's belly, the urn will be a bloody sight bigger!"

Sunday, 10 June 2007

Queudrue Believe It?

So Reading have turned down our bid for Shorey. Well, let's just pick up Queudrue instead. You can bet your life that 'Arry will be sniffing now Frank has announced he wants out of the Cottage but surely West Ham will have more appeal? He has to be a better bet than McCartney who, even on his very best days, looks about as one footed as his namesake Heather.

Thursday, 7 June 2007

Horrorshow Toons

So the Bowyer Barton axis is not to be. A&E Departments across London are breathing a sigh of relief! But Barton and Dyer? Now that is a promsing combination. Plenty of the old ultra violet promised there. Real horrorshow my droogs, real horrorshow!

On the subject of Dyer, just how many ten minute caps has he now collected? Has anybody ever averaged less time on the pitch per cap? I saw Ripley last two minutes once but Dyer has specialised in the role of the late and sometimes late late replacement. He must have been in a cold sweat when the right back role was mooted. "But boss, I might have to run around for more than twenty minutes!"

Allardyce, Barton and Dyer in the same dressing room! They won't be blowing a whistle but ringing a bell when it all kicks off! Front row seats at St James' Bloodbath are already being renamed "Ringside"!

Tuesday, 5 June 2007

We bear a charmed life

Shakespeare quotes as slogans for Premiership Clubs:

West Ham: "Tevez or not Tevez? That is the question" or, in view of how everybody now sees us, "Now you gods stand up for bastards!" (Edmund in King Lear) or in the light of our impossile escape "We bear a charmed life". (Macbeth) or "Then was the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by this sun of Argentina." or a cautionary tale, "Neither a borrower nor a lender be; For loan oft loses both itself and friend"!

Spurs: "Hath not a Jew eyes, hands, organs, senses, dimensions? If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not capitulate in the last game of the season, handing our Champions League place on a plate to our bitterest rivals?" (Shylock, Merchant of Venice)

Chelsea: "We are a club more sinned against than sinning" (Lear in Lear) or "Friends, Roman, countrymen, Lend us your billions" (Mark Anthony in JC) or with the Special One in mind, "Though this be madness, yet there is method in it."

Arsenal: "Cry God for Henry, France and Saint Joan!"

Liverpool (in the light of their most recent attempt to re-enact Heysel: "Will all great Neptune's ocean wash this blood clean from my hand? No, this my hand will rather the multitudinous seas incarnadine, making the green one red!" (Macbeth)

Man City (in the light of Ranierri's defection): "O Claudio Claudio, where for art thou Claudio?"

Sheffield United under Warnock: "Out, out, brief candle! Hope is but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the Premiership stage and then is heard no more: it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing" (Macbeth) or "By foul play, as thou say'st, were we heaved thence" (The Tempest) or "Hag-seed, hence!" (The Tempest)

Sheffield United under Robson: "Drink, Sir, is a great provoker of three things, nose-painting, sleep and urine. Lechery, it provokes, and unprovokes: it provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance." (The Porter in Macbeth)

Bolton: 'Tis a team, sir,I do not love to look on." (Miranda in The Tempest) or "O, woe is me,To have seen what I have seen, see what I see!" or "They have been at a great feast of football, and stolen the scraps."

Derby: "The old black ram is tupping your white ewe" or translated, "Be careful, your chairman is shafting your manager!"

Blackburn: "All hail McCarthy, once of Porto, All hail MaCarthy now of Blackburn, All hail MaCarthy that shall be at Chelsea hereafter." (Witches in Macbeth)

Newcastle: "A defence, a defence, my kingdom for a defence."

Man U: "Things won are done; joy's soul lies in the doing."

Watford: "Where the hornet sucks, there suck I; In a Championship hell I lie" (The Tempest) or "The attempt and not the deed Confounds us".

Charlton: "Alas, poor Dowie! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. He hath borne me on his back a thousand times; and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! my gorge rises at it." or "Adieu, adieu" or, with Pards in mind, "The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool."

(Not Premiership I know!)

MK Dons "What's in a name?" (Juliet in R&J)

Norwich: "Where are ya? The lady doth protest too much, methinks."

Leeds: "For 'tis the sport to have the engineer Hoist with his own petard" or "He that dies pays all debts".

More to follow!

Monday, 4 June 2007

Bent? He must be!

So Darren Bent wants to join Tottenham! Is this boy mad? Has he heard of Berbatov and Keane? Has the penny dropped that Defoe can't get a kick even though he's scored as many goals as he's played games? So, Bent's not interested in furthering his international career then! He's happy being the "alternative" striker!

Or does he know something we don't? Is Berbatov on his way after all, lured by Madrid, Milan, United or Chelsea?

Bent and Keane. Doesn't have the same ring really, does it? So you cocky Spurs, remember what it says in the Torah, the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. And remember too, you don't get through the pearly gates of the top four if you're Bent!

Red Stripe Robbo Stumbles at the First Bar

So, with the taste of sour grapes in their mouths, the Sheffield United Board went in search of somebody who knows his Chardonnay from his Claret (and blue?), his aperitifs from his chasers and his Fosters from his Stella. Stumble onto stage Red Stripe Robbo, whose first pronouncement as manager was that he intends to get Sheffield United back in the Premiership at the first time of asking. Glad to see, even after a celebratory drink, that the new manager has a better grasp of reality than his Chairman who seems to think the club are still in the Premiership anyway!

Last week Robbo graced 606 with his keen intellect. Asked in a 'just for fun' competition to name the goalscorer in an England game he played in, Robbo was given a clue that included the word "bully" and was played a piece of commentary that gave him the name of the opponents - Czechoslovakia - and the name of the goal's architect, a certain Paul Gascoigne. Robbo, bless him, said, "It can't be Gazza, it was too early to be Gazza" (even though Gascoigne's name had featured three times in the short snippet) and failed utterly to link the "bully" clue to Steve Bull. Never mind, he did spot that the opponents were Czechoslovakia and very nearly managed to pronounce the nation correctly!

How on earth was he given the job? Some believe it was a put up job by the License Victualers Association of Sheffield. I am sure that is untrue. Perhaps the Sheffield United Board noted that Robson has a good track record in the Championship and decided to go with "horses for courses" so giving the lie to their protests that they are still a Premiership club. Let's face it, what Premiership club would be mad enough to appoint a man who has guided Middlesborough and West Brom to relegation?

The Board have appointed the wrong man and they are also blaming the wrong club for their relegation. I thought that Premiership rules required clubs to name their strongest available teams in fixtures affecting promotion and relegation issues. If so, shouldn't Liverpool be in the dock for fielding their stiffs against Fulham? Had Liverpool taken that fixture seriously then the Blades would indeed have survived to die another day in the top division.

Never mind all you Blades fans, the Board have at least appointed a man well versed in the skill of "drowning his sorrows". I'm sure he will keep his players' spirits high, that every glass next season will be half full rather than half empty and that even if the players are cheap, the drinks will be reassuringly expensive. A new slogan for Sheffield United under Robbo? Probably not the best team in the world.

Barton and Bowyer. Beavis and Buthead in Claret and Blue?

So, not content with having "it wasn't me guv, honest" Bowyer on the books, it seems we're now looking to team him up with Joey "I'm not a psycho, that's my brother you're thinking of" Barton. No wonder Reo-Coker wants out of the club. Would you feel comfortable with black skin in that dressing room? I just hope they frisk the players for meat cleavers before they go on to the training ground!

Still, it's an East End tradition isn't it? We've had the Krays and the Richardsons, so why not the Bowyer-Bartons? And it's not as if rucks involving the players are unheard of at the club. There was the Morley bashing the Bishop to his wife's sharp disapproval incident. And of course Hartson, thinking he was a Nazi Boyo, mistaking a little Jewish player's head for the ball. Academy of football? It's beginning to look more like the Long Good Friday! Does our Biscuit Baron know his jellied eels from his pie and mash I wonder?

Friday, 1 June 2007

We're only making plans for Nigel

So Nigel Reo-Coker, you don't feel wanted at West Ham! How much have we been paying you each week? Were you ever dropped? Or played out of your favoured position? Were you stripped of the captaincy?

Well Nigel, you're right, you're not wanted! One goal all season? What sort of return is that from a central midfield player protected defensively first by Mullins and then by Noble? The truth is, NRC, you're a legend in your own mind and have been ever since Sven named you as a back up he never needed for the England World Cup Squad. So what Nigel? Sven took a 17 year old Arsenal reserve and very nearly took Harewood! Wake up, superstar you ain't and if any club is daft enough to offer 8 million, we should snatch their hand off!

Go to Villa or Newcastle and see what it's really like to play in an average team. Arsenal don't want you. Nor do Liverpool or Chelsea or United. Doesn't that tell you something Nigel? You're average mate and average is okay if your heart is in the club. Tevez can moan; Di Canio could moan; Nigel, you ain't got the ability to have the right to bleat.

The Game's Gone Crazy: Confession Time

The Game's Gone Crazy: Confession Time

Confession Time

Time to confess. Following the capitulation to Spurs, I rang 606 to call for the dismissal of Curbishley. My reasoning was as follows: by sending on two forwards and taking off two midfield players he had handed the game on a plate to Spurs - even if we scored, which of course Zamora did - we would be unable to defend the lead - as was proved; he had bought badly - Boa Morte, Quashie, Upson and Davenport are all bad signings; he had failed to inspire the team as the disasterous results were proving; at Charlton Curbishley never won a game after Christmas and we appointed him in december; and the appointment of an ex player as manager rarely works anyway.

On this last point, I was particularly disappointed to see Curbishley and Day returning to the club. Those Hammers fans with a long enough memory will recall that Curbs left the club to join Birmingham (for £275,000) bleating that if you play in midfield for West Ham you're told to give the ball to Brooking and Devonshire - much the way Noble was no doubt being told to give the ball to Tevez! He clearly had no love for the club then so it was hardly a case of the long lost son returning to the fold.

As for Day, well let me tell you a story about him. It was a cold night some time in the late seventies. The first team were playing away to QPR in the FA Cup and the reserves had a fixture in Southampton where I lived. Day, along with Alvin Martin, had been dropped to the stiffs. I stood on the terraces with my transistor radio attached to my ear, watching as the reserves lost 2-0 and the first team were stuffed 6-1. At the end of the match, Day asked me about the first team result and when I told him the score, his face broke into a broad smile and he and Martin did a high five. The truth about a footballer's motivation hit home painfully. Here was I, sick in my soul because my beloved Hammers had been humiliated; here were two of the players I idolised delighted because the result might open the door for their return to the first team. I've never forgiven them since!

Where do I stand on Curbishley now? Well there was an awful lot of luck mixed in with our "great run" at the end of the season: the referee and linesmen in the Blackburn game should be made honoury Hammers; the United players had nothing to play for in the final game; Bolton were in turmoil following the hand over from Big Sam to Mini Me; Wigan were in free fall; Arsenal murdered us and still contrived to lose 1-0. God does support West Ham after all! For the true "spirit", look at that awful performance away to a fully committed Sheffield United. For a true illustration of Curbs' ability to motivate, look at our thumping at Charlton. In the run up to that game it was obvious who was going to win. Pards kept using words like "opportunity"; Curbs was offering excuses and using phrases like "must win" and "we need three points from somewhere". He looked and sounded so down.

So, let's imagine the linesman hadn't ruled in favour of that "goal" that never was at Blackburn. How would our season have ended then? Or what if Arsenal had netted one of their thirty or so chances before Zamora scored at the Emirates? Or what if United had needed to win the last game to secure the Premiership? Or what if Big Sam had still been at the helm at Bolton? I fear that without the players and coaching staff roasting Lady Luck in the back of the team coach we would then have been planning for a local "derby" against Colchester next season! Let's not run away with the idea that Curbishley is suddenly a managerial god. He got lucky, big time!

And where now? Well he has a long memory. He clearly hates Konchesky so he's out. I can only assume that Mullins was caught crapping in Curbs' kit bag. Bowyer is a favourite so it looks like we'll be stuck with him even though he must be hated by all the black players. Parker? Good signing if we get him but he is another old favourite isn't he? I'm wondering if Curbishley has any fresh ideas, any vision? Tevez and Lady Luck saved us this year. Trouble is, will either be wearing Claret & Blue next season?

Thursday, 31 May 2007

Well Done Yeovil

Just a quick well done to Yeovil. As a kid I used to watch the Glovers at the old Huish Park in the days of John Clancey, Stuart Housley, Cliff Myers, Dickie Plumb, Tony Cottle, Ron Harris and Mike "The Penguin" Hughes. Great days! The 3-0 home defeat to the double winning Arsenal team, victory over Brentford, Plumb shoulder barging the Wimbledon keeper Dickie Guy into the net and the referee giving the goal!

Mini Me Sammy Lee

Doesn't your heart go out to Sammy Lee? Talk about a poison chalice! What price Bolton for relegation next season? Big Sam was always going to be a pig of an act to follow but to replace Big Sam with Little Sam - it's worse than swapping Blair for Brown! So many factors conspired to keep West Ham up this season but chief amongst them was the departure of Allardyce in the week before our game with Bolton. Does anybody really believe we would have been three goals to the good by half time if the big man was at the helm? Poor Sammy, he was so chuffed to be in a suit with the gaffer's earpiece, he quite forgot that there was a match to be won. My prediction: Sammy will be out of work before the end of November and Bolton will be bound for the Championship by early May. The form was bad enough under the Big Man, what hope under his Mini Me side kick? What odds are the bookies offering?