Olympics Threat to West Ham.

Does talk of a GB team for the London Olympics pose a threat to West Ham? If I understand it correctly, players beneath a certain age have to be released for the Olympics teams if they are selected. For many clubs, this would not be a huge problem, but with our rapidly emerging young talent, could we find ourselves seriously disadvantaged in 2012? At this stage, Noble, Collison, Stanislas and Tomkins would appear very good bets for GB selection, with Sears an outside possibility. In addition, given anticipated progress, Savio could well be in the German squad. That means we could lose as many as 5 of our then first team, and that is not allowing for the progress of our young Icelandic lad, Stech, Bajner and Spence, all of whom hopefully have bright futures ahead of them.

Now I am patriotic and a passionate fan of the England team, but for me, the Olympics has nothing to do with football, and I would be furious if players were unavailable for selection for West Ham because they had been picked for the GB team. Personally, I think the FA and the Premier League should wash their hands of the whole event and say that the World Cup is football's Olympics!

Man Utd and Arsenal are the New British Rail!

Remember those old excuses from British Rail? They bought machinery to clear leaves from the lines, then come the next autumn the trains didn't run and we were told, "They were the wrong type of leaves". Then there was the British Rail snowplough that didn't work because it was the "wrong type of snow"! British Rail became a laughing stock, the butt of every stand up comic's joke. They were getting there, but "there" was a terminus called Ridicule!

Now Arsenal and Manchester United look set to claim the British Rail mantle of absurdity. According to a bleating Fergie, he picked his team based, not on the strengths or weaknesses of the opposition, but on the "deadness" of the pitch. Wenger, meanwhile, has jumped on the bandwagon, claiming Wembley will "never" have a pitch suitable for a "good match". What absolute and complete tosh! Have you ever encountered grapes sourer than these? Arsenal and Manchester United didn't go out of the Cup because of the state of the pitch but because, in Arsenal's case, Wenger's bloody mindedness has stopped him buying a keeper worthy of a top 4 team, and in the Mancs' case, because over paid primadonnas can't tuck away a penalty when the pressure is on. Don't blame the pitch you pillocks, look in the mirror!

Wembley will never have a pitch suitable for a good match? So every single Derby County game played under Clough and Dave Mackay was rubbish was it? From late October to the end of the season, the Baseball Ground pitch resembled the trenches of the Somme, but somehow Clough and Mackay managed to persuade their players to play an attractive passing game, securing the League Title in the process. "Dead and Spongy", dear God, I would love to see these pampered buffoons play on the pitches of the 60s & 70s! When West Ham overcame Manchester United to reach the 64 Final, the pitch was such a mud bath that you could barely tell the two teams apart by the end of the game. Did Busby complain after the match? No, the guy had more dignity. If his team could rise from the ashes of the Munich air crash, he wasn't going to bleat about a muddy pitch and use it as an excuse for a defeat. Let's face it, the pitch is the same for both sides!

If a West Ham manager moaned in this way, I would feel ashamed. Roeder famously signed his dismissal when he took the team back to the hotel to change because the away dressing room was not up to standard. Look at Zola, eight players ruled out by injury and does he look for an excuse? Does he heck, he just smiles and purrs about his team of kids and old nags rising to the challenge.

The fact is, both Arsenal and Manchester United were found wanting this weekend. In Arsenal's case, they lacked the quality to defeat Chelsea; in Manchester United's case, they lacked respect for the competition. I am so glad that Everton knocked them out. If Ferguson thinks his team is too big for the competition then he should take a running jump.

This has simply confirmed what we have always known, that although they are undoubtedly great winners, Ferguson and Wenger are the most appalling losers. That is why they will never hold a torch to the true greats of the game - Busby, Paisley and Clough. Clough complain about the pitch? Clough pick a side based on the deadness of the turf? I can hear him now, "Listen sonny, Revie might blame the pitch but we just go and play whatever the conditions!"

Will Everton's win help us to make the Europa League? Or will Tottenham, Fulham or Man City benefit?

Traditionally, club's that reach the FA Cup Final who are not in contention for the title, suffer a dip in form in the League at the fag end of the season. With boyhood dreams about to be realised, players, unless they are called Hayden Mullins, don't want to run the risk of missing out through injury or suspension. 50-50 balls suddenly become 40-60 balls in favour of the opposition and the desire to "run through walls" for the club suddenly evaporates. It has been a long season already and those niggling injuries are felt with a new keenness. Why play in a relatively meaningless league game and risk aggravating the injury, thereby putting yourself out of the Final? Dust off the, "Sorry boss, I'm still feeling it, I don't think I can play today" speech or, if the manager insists, the wave to the bench after ten minutes and an anxious hobble, hand grasping the calf. Remember Upson ahead of the recent England game? Down on his backside, roll down the sock, shake of the head, on with the stretcher, feet up until the internationals. It is as easy as that!

And of course, Everton are now in Europe, they qualified by reaching the Final against Champions League qualifiers. We don't want their form to nose dive so badly that they lose sixth place, of course, unless it is to us which would be perfect if it knocked out a seventh place Tottenham, but with a buffer of 8 points over Fulham and Tottenham, that is unlikely. Sadly, Everton's fixtures between now and that final don't only involve a match against ourselves but also games against Tottenham, Man City and Fulham. It could well be that a place in that Europa League is at the gift of the Toffees. Last three Everton fixtures before that final? Amazingly, Tottenham at home, West Ham at home and Fulham away. How is that for a coincidence?

First up for them, on Wednesday, is a game away to Chelsea, the team they now meet in the Final. Now hopefully this is a game that will see them fully motivated for obvious reasons. A blood and thunder battle that sees Chelsea bruised and battered ahead of the game at Upton Park would do very nicely. If Everton could get a draw, and United win their game on the same night, Chelsea would effectively be out of the race for the Premiership. How hungry would the Chelsea players then be three days ahead of a Champions League semifinal against Barcelona? Would they risk Drogba, Lampard and Terry for a London derby? If they did, might Lucas persuade them early doors that discretion is the better part of valour?

All ifs and buts I know, but we have to somehow cobble together the points in a difficult run in. Three points at Everton and at least one at home to Chelsea would be a huge help. But the team who must be really laughing? Fulham. Remember when Liverpool fielded their stiffs and effectively kept the Cottagers in the Premiership? Well there is every chance now that they will be facing a heavily understrength Everton team at the Cottage in the last game of the season. If that isn't a gimme game, I don't know what is!

Upson; is the clever thing to sell?

Cards on the table to begin with. I thought Upson was a bad buy when we signed him from Birmingham but his subsequent performances have obliged me to eat humble pie. He has been superb this season and is undoubtedly the cotter pin of our defence, marshalling and leading the defensive unit superbly. So why on earth might it make sense to sell?

Well every player has his price of course. We needed Bellyache but £14million to take away Period Pains was too good an offer to turn down. We overpaid when we bought the Welsh troubled troublemaker, so Manchester City's offer was nothing less than staggering. Remember, Tottenham started bidding at less than half that price!

Now something that both Upson and Bellamy have in common is a bad history of long term injuries. Upson still plays with bits of the Yellow Pages in his boots at the advice of some Quack and, sooner or later, he will break down. As Bellyache has since his move to City.

Then there is the age factor. Again, Bellyache and Upson are both in their late twenties. How many years does Upson have left at the top? Four years? Five if he is very lucky. As that body ages, so the accumulative build up of all his injuries will increase. He will miss more and more games as his ageometer ticks past 30, 31, 32...

Upson seems to think that playing in Europe will enhance his chances of playing for England. That is nonsense. He is in the England squad already so how does that make sense. Perhaps he thinks it will establish him as first choice over Ferdinand and Terry? If so, the guy is living on a different planet. He is good but he isn't going to displace either of Rio or JT, irrespective of whether or not he plays in Europe. Let's face it, he already plays against three of the best teams in Europe given this year's Champions League semifinal line up. Liverpool fans will argue that had they avoided Chelsea, they would also be in the last four - so four of the top five teams in Europe! What does the guy stand to gain by moving therefore? If he plays for Arsenal, he won't get the chance to test himself against them! So why does he REALLY want to move? Money perhaps?

Then there is the Clarke factor. Clarke can organise a defence and, to be honest, when Upson was missing, we coped OK. Upson might find himself a "squad player" at Arsenal and actually slipping down the England pecking order. If I was him, and I was really looking to further my England career, I would stay where my first team place was guaranteed, working with one of the top coaches in the game in the process.

If we wants to go, he will go. This is all paper talk at the moment but I do not expect him to stay if we end the season with a whimper. What would be a fair price? If we could get £12million I would sell.

Hammer Herita Our Horatio Hero!

It is confirmed, Ilunga is ours! This is fantastic news because the guy has been one of our best players this season, filling that problem left back berth with skill, passion and total commitment.

I still don't think we have seen the best of him yet. As the team grows in confidence, so Ilunga will be released more to attack down that left hand flank. When he does range forward, we look more dangerous and I'm sure Zola and Clarke will be exploring tactics to liberate him more in home games.

To think, Curbishley jumped ship because we sold McCartney and signed Herita instead. That just shows what a poor judge of a player Curbishley is! He is trying to claim £1 million off us for constructive dismissal on Friday. We should show the tribunal a tape of McCartney and Ilunga, and point out how many games each has played this season. "Forced to walk the plank?" the Judge would ask. "From what I've seen Mr Curbishley, you are the plank!"

Chelsea Do NOT Want Green

Shocking news is emanating from Stamford Bridge, Chelsea do NOT have any wish to sign Robert Green. A spokesman for the club said, "This is a desperate attempt by an internet forum to whip up hits by spreading scare stories."

He continued, "Why would we buy Green? Like Cech, he is vulnerable under crosses and he isn't even England's first choice in a very average crop of English qualified keepers. If we need a new keeper, with Abromovitch's billions, we will not buy British!"

To emphasise the point, the spokesman added, "The article goes on to say that if Chelsea weren't interested, other clubs might be. This is a heartless attempt to undermine the morale of West Ham fans and the author should hang his head in shame."

Do we want to become Ovest Prosciutto Uniti? (Asks Marty)

Since Nani arrived, we have moved on permanently, or with a view to a permanent move, 9 or 10 players; and all bar one, Faubert, are British. During that same period we have brought in 7 or 8, all of them foreign. I am all in favour of following Arsene Wenger’s footballing blueprint, but would you be happy if we ended up with no British players in the team?

“What about all the youth coming through?” I hear you say. Well yes we do seem to have some good kids, but their careers are still embryonic and how many good youngsters push on to be the finished article? Noble is a good footballer, but would he make the squad in a top four team? I’m not sure. Collison has had a great year but next season will be harder for him, second season syndrome applies to players as well as teams. Sears for me has not looked like he is going to be a Premiership player. Tomkins looks the real deal but so did Kevin Lock, the first "next Bobby Moore" when he broke into the team. What about the other kids? Well they’re only just starting out and nobody will be more pleased than me if they make it; statistically the odds are against it. Remember Ade Coker and Johnny Ayris?

And talking of the youth team, since Nani arrived we have seen the likes of Bajnar, Grasser, Montano, Ejolfson, Sanchez, Stech and a few others gracing the youth team. All foreigners. Then there is Savio. Would you be happy to see a West Ham squad made up almost exclusively of foreigners? Would that be OK as long as we’re successful? Or is it important that we maintain a British core to the squad? Zola has said that he is committed to the essential Britishness of the club, but he has learned very quickly to say what is expected or what suits his purpose at the time. Does a British "core" simply mean two players, like at Liverpool and Chelsea, and would you be happy with this?

Curbishley to Sunderland.

Rumours are circulating that Turds is on his way to Blunderland. The Blackjacks apparently see him as the man to arrest their slide towards the Fizzy Pop, based on the Great Escape of two years ago. Brilliant plan I must say! Now, should the Wearysiders get their man, all they need to organise is:

1) The signing of Carlos Tevez. Who knows, United or IKEA might agree to a Third Party Agreement until May.

2) A linesman who doesn't understand that the ball has to cross the line for a goal to be given.

3) A final fixture away to the Champions AFTER they have already secured the Premiership and a week before they play in the Cup Final.

4) For a club they are playing to sack a highly successful manager in the week before they play them, replacing him with a mini me equivalent.

5)For Arsenal to have 50 shots on their goal in a single game and not score any of them.

6)For another opponent to lose their only striker of note to injury inside the first 15 minutes of the game.

7) For their main rivals in the battle against the drop to appoint Neil Warnock as manager.

Now, put that little package together, plus sign Green, Collins, Noble and Zamora, and appointing Turds might just work. Blunderland do have Anton Ferdinand after all. No hang on, Ferdinand and Baggy Eyes don't get on!

Any other great ideas to save the Blackjacks? How about Newscastle appointing Shearer as manager and Miserableboro leaving Southgate in charge? You couldn't write it could you?

Shame on the League - Hammers Behind Luton Town!

Today was a sad day for football with Luton Town completing the formality of relegation from the Football League. I don't know the ins and outs of what they did or didn't do, but I do know that the 30 point pre-season points deduction was absurd, destroying all sense of competition in the division. If the crime really was that severe, why not deduct the club 10 points for three consecutive seasons and at least retain some sense of matters being decided on the football field. Give Luton back those 30 points and they would be safely mid table; their relegation is a travesty of footballing justice and defies logic.

What the League seem to have forgotten is that Luton Town represent a community, and that the fan base of the club have done nothing to deserve this. It would have been punishment enough to destroy any hope of promotion from the division; to damn the club to relegation from the Football League before a ball was kicked was too cruel on the fans.

Every true supporter, outside perhaps of Watford, must surely share my sense of injustice. It is a shame more was not done to organise a protest across the Premiership and Football League against bureaucrats and lawyers deciding promotion and relegation rather than players. This wasn't just the thin end of the wedge, it was the whole wedge all in one go!

This Hammer sincerely hopes that Luton Town bounce back up and begin a steady climb back to where they belong. Who can forget Pleat kerb crawling down the touchline when they avoided relegation or the controversy over that plastic pitch? Luton are a team with a history and that history was ignored when the faceless bureaucrats sliced off 30 points before they had even been secured. Shame on the League and shame on every other club for not making this more of an issue before it was too late!

When The Kids Are United (Marty Looks To The Future)

I think the major talking point of this season has been the arrival of so many academy graduates on the scene: Reid, Collison, Tomkins, Sears, Stanislas, Payne, Hines, N’Gala, Spense, Widdowson and Stech have all at least appeared on the bench; but who else is making waves amongst the juniors?

Traditionally we don’t do very well in the reserve league, but many of the above mentioned played a big part in our finishing second last season. This year we sit third, with a team made up mainly of the youth team. N’Gala has formed a solid partnership with Eyjolfson at the back, where Oliver Lee has recently shown his father Rob’s adaptability by filling in at right back - he’s usually a midfielder. If we are not already blessed enough at centre half, Matthew Fry is a left footer who has played well at left back.

Two young wingers who have benefitted from Zola’s wish to improve players adaptability are Danny Kearns, a creative N.Irish lad, and Anthony Edgar, a left winger who recently came on to play at the point of the diamond and score a good goal when Stanislas got a hat trick. Bajner is improving and last week the best player on the pitch against Stoke reserves was Zavon Hines, given our problems up front I think he may well get a place on the bench this weekend. Add to those Jordan Brown, Ryan O’Neill, Georg Grasser and several younger lads, Okus, Montano, Sanchez, and the future looks bright.

Of course most of them won’t make it at the very top level, but many will have professional careers, which should make it even more likely that promising youngsters will want to come to the Boleyn. Apparently the 15 and 16 year olds are an exceptional bunch and we have already seen Robert Hall announce his arrival with goals for the reserves.

The future's bright, the future's Claret & Blue!

Barcelona v West Ham (Hotshot Speaks Out!)

A few seasons ago I watched West Ham beat Roma in a pre-season friendly and like many fans believed that our club had the potential to be world-beaters. Gianfranco Zola is no doubt world class, and he has done much to spruce up the current West Ham motley crew and have them playing the free flowing football that we Upton Park fans insist on, but is it enough?

Being in Barcelona while Barca were playing Bayern Munich in the Champions League quarter final, I bought a ticket to the match. I have only ever been to Upton Park's 35,000 capacity stadium, and a few away matches in grounds not much bigger, so when being confronted with 90,000 chanting fans in a packed stadium it hit me like a sledgehammer in the gonads; it was a great experience - the atmosphere not the sledgehammer.

Barcelona passed the ball around the field fearlessly, with pinpoint accuracy, unbelievable imagination and absolute conviction - it was a master class in football. It was awesome to watch, and yet disheartening in that it highlighted the distance West Ham have to go if they really want to be among the best in Europe. There are echoes around the West Ham faithful, of the team in the near future fighting it out for one of the Champions League places on offer, the prize for finishing in 4th position in the English Premier League, yet even if they some how found the firepower to catapult themselves into this elite league, after watching Barcelona take Munich apart, making them look like an overweight and comical Sunday league team, beer bellies and all, what chance would West Ham have had in the Noucamp that evening? It would have been car crash TV!

I fear West Ham are possibly chasing an empty dream and need a reality check. Already we are punching above our weight, and, without real investment in a new stadium and at least 60 million on players, we will forever be stuck in Premier League mid table mediocrity, mere cannon fodder for the league’s top four.


Hotshot C

Tottenham, How Much Does One Goal Cost?

The Cockyfools are strutting their stuff this morning after yesterday's epic 1-0 trouncing of the mighty Hammers but, whilst trying to come to terms with our reserves suffering this shocking reverse at White Hart Lane, I got to thinking, how much did that 1-0 Tottenham victory actually cost?

Below, I give a break down of the cost of the two teams available yesterday, including the substitutes benches. For the sake of argument, I have left off the add on fees - let's face it, bonus payments made on the basis of trophies won are never going to be payable by Tottenham, whilst, because of injuries, appearance fees are never going to apply to West ham players! So, for example, I show Keane at £12m, whilst in cloud cuckoo land, that could rise to £19m if Tottenham ever qualify for the Champions League.

The figures are staggering! The West Ham squad yesterday cost a total of £32m in transfer fees. Tottenham's squad was put together for a total outlay of £136.5m.

So how much does one goal cost? If you are Tottenham, £104.5m! Bless me, is it any wonder those Cockyfools are gloating?

Tottenham

Gomes 10
Corluka 8
Assou-Ekotto 3.5
Woodgate 7
King Nil
Huddlestone 3
Lennon 1
Jenas 9
Modric 16.5
Bent 16.5
Keane 12
Pavlyuchenko 14
Zokora 8
Cudicini 1
Bale 5
Bentley 15
Dawson 4
Chimbonda 3

£136.5m

West Ham

Green 2.5
Tomkins Nil
Ilunga 3
Collins 3
Upson 6
Neill 1.5
Noble Nil
Stanislas Nil
Boa-Morte 5
Tristan Nil
Di Michele Nil
Dyer 6
Savio 5
Lastuvka Nil
Lopez Nil
N’Gala Nil
Payne Nil

£32m

Tottenham's Gloats, Should I Get My Coat?

Amazing how depressed you can feel just because of a football match. Saturday night was ruined, Sunday morning and I woke with that, "Stuff it, what's the point?" feeling. But then I thought, hang on, this is West Ham, and how often have I felt like this since Christmas? And the answer to that, of course, is not very often. Yes we lost but, to be honest, I didn't really expect anything different when I saw the team sheet.

The reaction of the Tottenham fans has been predictably ridiculous. I have left the Tottenham replies on my LBM article despite the odd obscenity and the pikey jibes, because I wanted everybody to see just how sad and desperate some of these Cockyfools have become. Yes lads, you won! Yes you beat West Ham! But dear me, just pause for a moment and look at the West Ham team you beat! You edged out a side without Ashton, Cole, Dyer, Parker, Behrami, Collison, Gabbidon and Kovac. That is eight first team, first pick players. Add in Spector and the fact we had to play Neill in midfield and Tomkins at right back, and you get a sense of how desperate was the situation faced by Zola and Clarke. Turds moaned about the injury jinx but I can't remember so many first choice players being ruled out of a single game under Baggyeyes. Had Tottenham not beaten us, there would have been some massive questions asked about the 'Arry revival. And, to be honest, those questions should still be asked.

1-0? So what? Had Di Michele either taken a tumble as Woodgate tried to rugby tackle his ankle in the penalty box, or poked home that one-on-one opportunity, the result would probably have gone the other way. We know that Tristan and Di Michele are not good enough for the Prem, we know we have to get Ashton, Cole and Dyer fit and we still need another striker, so the fact we failed to score was no great surprise to anybody in Claret and Blue colours. Pavlova took his goal very well, it was a lovely turn and finish, but Green didn't exactly have a busy afternoon apart from that did he? For all the money spent, Tottenham looked pretty impotent considering they were playing against our stiffs!

So gloat away you Cockyfools but the result should really read Tottenham 1 West Ham Reserves 0. A one goal victory over our stiffs when you have home advantage doesn't look so great the following morning does it?

Tottenham away - Luis Boa-Morte's Day of Destiny?

Way back in the mists of time, post Tottenham's Champions League Choke and on the coat tails of our Great Escape, there were rumours that the Cockyfools wanted to sign Luis. They needed somebody to play wide left with the ability, not only to cross, but to chip in with goals, and Luis seemed to fit the bill. He had, after all, netted during our Great Escape and, although that was, and remains, his solitary goal for the club, he had an impressive reputation based upon his days at Fulham. Sadly, Curbishley didn't want to let him go and his wages were also an obstacle - or so the red tops would have us believe. Some transfer stories are obviously stupid but this one made some sense. Tottenham still have not solved the problem of who to play on the left of midfield.

In many ways LBM is the "typical Tottenham signing", a player who has flattered to deceive elsewhere and who is then found wanting when moving to a bigger club - I offer you Bentley, Pavlova, Robinson, Bent et all. Whereas players grow when they move to some clubs, at Tottenham they shrivel into a shell. Perhaps it is because the need for the snip is hidden in the small print!

And the point of all this? Well in his third season, and after 72 appearances in Claret and Blue, Luis actually had a very good game for us last week. His all round contribution over the 90 minutes was impressive and his pass for the Stanislas goal was, in my opinion, the "pass of the season" from a Hammer this year. This came on the back of a thoroughly committed performance against Blackburn and a vital assist (albeit from an offside position). All that is missing is a goal - and whilst I never make predictions about West Ham games, I have this feeling in my water that today is the day for Luis, the day he moves from zero to hero and from Fool to Crown Prince. The picture suggests that he isn't called donkey based on his ability after all!

The odds are against us. Tottenham's home form has been good and 'Arry turns us over every time we play one of his sides. We were terrible at Upton Park against them and memories of the 4-0 thumping from last season are still all too fresh. Add in the fact that The Foe is set to return and we are without half a team of first pick players and it doesn't look too hopeful does it? But then it was going to be a walk over in May 2006 and Tottenham were going to be playing Champions League football the following season weren't they?

Last season Boa was vilified after being sent off in the corresponding fixture. That was the final straw for many of us. We thought he was useless, and this confirmed he was a total liability. Even Curbishley moved off script, interrupting his post match rant about Anton to criticise one of his own "untouchables", actually saying that a player he had signed had put in a less than perfect performance. Boa owes us, this is his Day of Destiny! If he does net the winner, remember you heard it here first. If he has a mare, just read what else I've posted about him in the past.

But for now, immortality beckons, come on Boa, you can do it!

May 7, 2006 - The Tottenham Patient Became Critical

On the eve of the game, let's roll back three years to that fateful day in 2006, when the Cockyfools were knocking on the door of the Champions League. Well so they thought. As it happened, the only door they were knocking on was marked WC as all their dreams were honked down the toilet!

Remember their confidence? We were in the Cup Final and had nothing to play for in the League. Ashton wasn't going to be risked and what Hammer in his right mind was going to risk an injury or suspension by going in to a full blooded 50-50 challenge? All Tottenham had to do was turn up to collect the points, or so they thought. And they very nearly almost never managed that anyway!

Look at the West Ham team that day! Hislop, Scaloni, Konchesky, Fletcher, Gabbidon, Ferdinand, Reo-Choker, Yossi, Sherringham, Zamora, Newton. Now, that is the side that stood between Tottenham and Champions League football! Where are they now? Only Gabbidon remains at Upton Park and he is only on our books to keep Beano company in the treatment room. Fletcher? Fizzy Pop. Newton? God knows. Hislop? Retired. Reo-Choker a Villa understudy. Sherringham retired. Yossi, a bit part player for a genuine Champions League team. Ferdinand? Fighting relegation with Blunderland. Zamora and Konchesky, playing for the mighty Fulham! This was the team, with one and a half eyes on the Cup Final, who stood between Tottenham and their Manifest Destiny! And they blew it!

Carl Fletcher, bless his wife's cotton gusset, only managed one goal in the Premiership - and he saved it for this game to ensure a cult hero status at the club divorced completely from any alleged activities of his wife. A 30 yard fizzing shot sent the Tottenham team rushing to the toilet as the tension churned their guts like baked beans in a blender. A The Foe equalizer and a missed Sherringham penalty gave Tottenham hope, but then up popped Yossi the Israeli, with glorious irony, to net a late winner and crush Tottenham's dreams.

Of course, then the complaints started. The patient was ill they said. In fact, though they didn't know it, the patient was almost on its death bed! Look what has happened since to the mighty, mighty Tottenham Hotspur! A Carling Cup trophy apart, and that is probably not the best competition in the world, it has been a tale (or tail?) of unremitting woe. The sacking of Jol, the appointment of Oneday Never, the desperate appointment of 'Arry - and a team bought, sold, and re-bought on the Never Never. The financial time bomb at Tottenham is on the tick, and ticking!

This weekend they come up against another under strength West Ham team and again will fancy their chances. All the talk down Tottenham way is of how 'Arry has turned around the team and how the future is bright under his tactically astute leadership. Well, remember why Keane and The Foe were sold? Becuase they couldn't play together! So what has 'Arry done? Spent £30million plus to reunite them. Brilliant! You can bet your life that a revolving door will be fitted to the Tottenham dressing room again this summer as the big bucks burn a hole in 'Arry's pocket. We know at West Ham what a disaster it is to let 'Arry spend big, and Pompey fans are now learning the price of allowing 'Arry to build a team of high salaried mercenaries. Come August, the Tottenahm team will be barely recognizable from the one that will take the field this weekend - and the clever money is on them playing like strangers for the first two months of the new season. What price Tottenham looking for a new manager in November?

May 7, 2006 - the day was a real sickener for Tottenham and a happy irrelevance for West Ham. Six days later we played our part in the greatest FA Cup final ever. Tottenham, meanwhile, are still chasing the myth of their greatness, like a sad old geezer trying to chat up a twenty one year old piece of crumpet in Ibiza. Just watch old 'Arry's twitch speed up in the coming months as yet another bid for glory goes pear shaped! We have Zola, Tottenham have 'Arry - you couldn't wish for a better metaphor for one club that is looking to the future and another hanging on to the coat-tails of the past! Tottenham may get a result at the weekend but there will be plenty of sickeners ahead!

Tottenham Targets Tomkins

Just shows the importance of syntax. I read the headline from the Official Site and thought, that **** Redknapp, having visions of a bid for our future England captain on the eve of the match. Well, that would be typical 'Arry wouldn't it? But the old brain was playing tricks on me. In truth the headline read, Tomkins Targets Tottenham which implies something rather different! Well I hope it does, I hope our lad isn't talking about his dream move in the future!

For the record, James said, "It's a massive game for the club. We are pushing for that UEFA spot and it's a massive game for the fans as they are our local rivals.

"There's a great confidence in the team at the moment and a good team spirit as it has been all season. It's good at the moment and everyone is just enjoying their football. Seventh is the aim. We've got a target there that we are heading towards. Each game is vital now that we pick as many points up as we can. Next game is Tottenham, which we are all relishing."

He continued, "I feel that I'm playing well at the moment and growing more confident with every game. It was a great boost for me to start in front of James because he's played well all season. I have been getting a good run in the team and I'm full of confidence and just want to keep improving."

Well that's a relief, I can tell you! Syntax, it's a bitch!

The Story of an Upton Park Initiation (Marty's Son's Story)

As Mark Noble lined up his corner early in the second half last Saturday I said to my son. “Watch this........... James Tomkins....... header in the top right hand corner". It was the end of a story that started with “the great escape” and brought my son back into the fold. I used to stand on the weatherbeaten terraces back in the seventies, but this was my boy’s first match, and he was in a box, as the guest of a former player; how times change!

For him it was a day of firsts. First time on a train, first time on a tube and first time at the Boleyn. It felt like my first time at UP as well, so different was the ground from when I used to go regularly, We were very well looked after, three course meal, drinks, lap dancers.... no sorry, they didn't turn up; a bit different from the old days, first through the turnstiles and run for the best spot, packed lunch and read the programme from cover to cover.

I worry about the future, the crowd seemed to be almost entirely made up of middle aged men, a bit like the Conservative party and the blue rinse brigade, you wonder whether there will be much support left in a few years time! The corner of the BM lower next to what used to be the chicken run tried valiantly to get "Franco Zola's c&b army going" but it met with general apathy. We tried for a while and the corporate crowd seemed more vociferous than the locals, but you feel a bit of a lemon when the general conversation doesn't get much brighter than "Alright Bruv, that wind's a bit chilly innit?" What happened to the banter? The ground's lovely and comfortable and all that, but the atmosphere and the chat were as big a part of the day out as the match for me when I used to go regularly.

But last Saturday wasn’t about all our yesterdays. It was about a young Spanish hammer feeling the claret and blue sap rise in him as we watched the green shoots of another claret and blue renaissance. My lad loved it. "What are they singing Dad?" he said after one brutal challenge. "That'd be 'You dirty northern bastard' son" "Why are they singing that Dad?" Well that's..........because he's a.............. ;) but best not tell your Mum!".

He had put the visit to the Boleyn at risk with an April fools stink bomb that caused the evacuation of half the school, small children in tears and the headmistress on the phone to me. In the end all it did was increase his street cred. and elevate him to legend status with year 5 boys. And as James Tomkins header hit the back of the net, my credibility as a cool Dad was preserved for a few more precious months. We jumped and punched the air as one.....father and son.........claret and blue!

December 11, 1971, Southampton v West Ham

I was 12 years old and traveled up to Southampton on the train from Yeovil in Somerset with two friends. That fact in itself is a sign of how times have changed. I would never have dreamed of allowing my children to make that journey unaccompanied at 12 years old but, in those days, parents did not see it as a problem. The game was at the "old" Dell of course, an anachronism of a stadium in the middle of a residential area of Southampton, middle class homes on the approach and a couple of blocks of flats overlooking the compact ground. No squalid back to backs here, it was a poor man's ground in an altogether better class of area.

For those who remember the old stadium, we parked ourselves in the family enclosure, one of the concrete "chocolate boxes" at the Milton Road end of the ground. This afforded a great view of the stadium from a usefully elevated position. En route we had eaten at a narrow little cafe in the arcade of shops outside the station before getting into the ground a good two hours before kick-off. Time to digest every word and every image in the programme, dwelling over the pen pic profiles of the West Ham squad and to munch our way through chocolate provisions whilst discussing the threats in the Southampton team. Sadly that programme was lost many years ago when my mother decided to have a "tidy up" whilst I was away at University and the Southampton team is now a blur, but I remember it included a forty something Terry Paine and that old warhorse Ron Davies. Presumably Channon played too, the "star name" in the Southampton team at that time. Did Galbraith play? I think so. If any Southampton fans look in, would be great to know your team and to hear your memories of the game if you were one of the 20,506 in the stadium.

As for the West Ham team, well for Hammers fans of my age, the teamsheet is a roll call of immortals: Ferguson; McDowell; Lampard; Bonds; Taylor; Moore; Redknapp; Best; Hurst; Brooking; Pop Robson. I honestly could have trotted off that team without any reference to the record books - bar one. I do not remember Redknapp playing. In my memory, he had gone the season before but that just shows how the memory can play tricks on you! I was only 12 after all! The substitute was also interesting, one David Llewellyn who managed just 2 starts and four appearances as substitute before moving on to Peterborough. Anybody remember seeing him play? He came on for Brooking in this game, which might explain the bad mood of "Sir Trev" when I met him after the game!

The game was a remarkable affair and summed up the two teams perfectly. Goals from Bonds, Best and Brooking gave us a 3-0 lead and put me in dreamland. All three goals were knocked in at our end and I was well on my way to one of those rarest of things, actually seeing West Ham WIN in the flesh! I have tried to part the clouds of time to remember how those goals were scored but the best I can come up with are that Best scored with a header amidst claims that he had fouled the keeper and Brooking netted with a low shot that went into the bottom left hand corner of the goal. From my position I wasn't sure the ball had actually gone in and from memory it was a real grubber. But that may not be how it happened at all!

Then it all went wrong. Maybe they actually invented Viagra decades before it was released onto the market because somebody definitely slipped something into the geriatric Terry Paine's cup of tea at halftime. He came out playing like a man possessed and ripped Lampard apart. I think Davies scored a couple from Paine crosses but I can't confirm that - Davies might even have bagged a hat-trick. Again, Southampton fans might be able to fill in the gaps. What is not in any doubt, because the records show it, is that Southampton fought back and scored three times to ruin my day. The final score - 3-3! Only West Ham!

I suppose the game itself and the day out as a 12 years old would have been enough to stamp the day in my memory but it was what followed that fixed December 11, 1971 indelibly into my hard drive. We arrived at the station to catch our train home and there, on the platform, was the entire West Ham team! Moore, Hurst, Robson, Ferguson, Brooking et all, kipper ties, pink shirts, outlandish coats, stupid haircuts, the works! I was in dreamland, running around collecting autographs on that programme that my thoughtless mother was to consign to a rubbish bin.

Moore was great, all smiles. So were Bonds and Ferguson. Pop Robson looked like a clown in his comb over and ankle length checked coat but was more than happy to scribble his name on the programme, even asking me my name so he could personalise it. Hurst wasa bit aloof but signed his name without looking at the page. The only one who refused to sign the programme? Trevor Brooking. As I ran along the platform at his side asking him to scribble on that programme, Brooking studiously ignored me and such was my focus on one of my all time heroes, that I all so nearly ran into one of the pillars holding up the roof of the station. For years afterwards, I had a recurring nightmare of banging into pillar after pillar on that platform as Brooking ignored me.

This memory stands out for me. Do you have any you would like to share? If so, drop me a line and we can journey down your memory lane as well!

Saving Savio

How absurd! Zola has felt the need to come out and defend the signing of Savio in the light of "unease" or "unrest" or "worries" about the signing. Zola said of the young German Ugandan, "He has great potential and he can become a really top player." Fair enough so far but he then added, "But the crowd and everybody else need to be patient."

Dear God, the lad is no more than a kid and has moved to a foreign country; what do people expect exactly? Theo Walcott didn't set the Emirates on fire when he first joined Arsenal did he? Wenger wrapped him in cotton wall and kept him out of the firing line until he thought he was ready. And now look at him!

Theo only moved one hundred miles up the M3. Everybody spoke the same language (well apart from the Arsenal team of course) and his family remained on the doorstep. Savio has moved to a new country (the fourth of his tender life so far!) and Newham is not exactly the image of London projected by the Tourist Board is it? His first impression must have been that he had moved back to the Third World!

Of course the lad needs time. I read one idiot comparing him to Stanislas but Junior is amongst friends, at the club where he has grown up. Poor Savio is our Paddington Bear, young, vulnerable, lovable and in need of a family to take care of him. That's why his agent chose West Ham, a family club with a record for bringing through young talent.

I am backing Nani and Zola's judgement. It may be that we will not see the best of Savio for 18 months, but I would rather wait and allow him to develop, rather than see the issue forced with the result that the player is destroyed. The Germans rate him and they know a thing or two about football! Remember Theo everybody. Give the lad time and let's hope he is the gem that lots of people in the know say that he is!

Kovac's lollipop. Who loves ya baby?

Yesterday I posted on Kovac being banned from the national Czech side because he was caught dining after an international defeat. What I didn't realise at the time was that his dinner partners included a group of prostitutes. Given the guy has previously been "rapped" for 'degenerate sexual behaviour involving a female reporter', one hesitates to guess what exactly was on the menu at their table. I bet it wasn't salad cream!

It seems that our blond bombshell is, as they say, a bit of a character. In 2004 he was done for urinating in a bottle in a busy bar. Classy, but not quite up to true West Ham standards, the boys in Claret and Blue don't bother with the bottle as a rule of course!

What with Tristan, Cole and now Kovac, poor Zola must be at his wits' end. No wonder the Czech was missing at the weekend! Does this signal the end of any prospective permanent deal in the future I wonder? What sort of example does this set to the kids at Upton Park? Or is this all an irrelevance? He wasn't on club duty after all, so why is it any of our business?