Tottenham, How Much Does One Goal Cost?

The Cockyfools are strutting their stuff this morning after yesterday's epic 1-0 trouncing of the mighty Hammers but, whilst trying to come to terms with our reserves suffering this shocking reverse at White Hart Lane, I got to thinking, how much did that 1-0 Tottenham victory actually cost?

Below, I give a break down of the cost of the two teams available yesterday, including the substitutes benches. For the sake of argument, I have left off the add on fees - let's face it, bonus payments made on the basis of trophies won are never going to be payable by Tottenham, whilst, because of injuries, appearance fees are never going to apply to West ham players! So, for example, I show Keane at £12m, whilst in cloud cuckoo land, that could rise to £19m if Tottenham ever qualify for the Champions League.

The figures are staggering! The West Ham squad yesterday cost a total of £32m in transfer fees. Tottenham's squad was put together for a total outlay of £136.5m.

So how much does one goal cost? If you are Tottenham, £104.5m! Bless me, is it any wonder those Cockyfools are gloating?

Tottenham

Gomes 10
Corluka 8
Assou-Ekotto 3.5
Woodgate 7
King Nil
Huddlestone 3
Lennon 1
Jenas 9
Modric 16.5
Bent 16.5
Keane 12
Pavlyuchenko 14
Zokora 8
Cudicini 1
Bale 5
Bentley 15
Dawson 4
Chimbonda 3

£136.5m

West Ham

Green 2.5
Tomkins Nil
Ilunga 3
Collins 3
Upson 6
Neill 1.5
Noble Nil
Stanislas Nil
Boa-Morte 5
Tristan Nil
Di Michele Nil
Dyer 6
Savio 5
Lastuvka Nil
Lopez Nil
N’Gala Nil
Payne Nil

£32m

Tottenham's Gloats, Should I Get My Coat?

Amazing how depressed you can feel just because of a football match. Saturday night was ruined, Sunday morning and I woke with that, "Stuff it, what's the point?" feeling. But then I thought, hang on, this is West Ham, and how often have I felt like this since Christmas? And the answer to that, of course, is not very often. Yes we lost but, to be honest, I didn't really expect anything different when I saw the team sheet.

The reaction of the Tottenham fans has been predictably ridiculous. I have left the Tottenham replies on my LBM article despite the odd obscenity and the pikey jibes, because I wanted everybody to see just how sad and desperate some of these Cockyfools have become. Yes lads, you won! Yes you beat West Ham! But dear me, just pause for a moment and look at the West Ham team you beat! You edged out a side without Ashton, Cole, Dyer, Parker, Behrami, Collison, Gabbidon and Kovac. That is eight first team, first pick players. Add in Spector and the fact we had to play Neill in midfield and Tomkins at right back, and you get a sense of how desperate was the situation faced by Zola and Clarke. Turds moaned about the injury jinx but I can't remember so many first choice players being ruled out of a single game under Baggyeyes. Had Tottenham not beaten us, there would have been some massive questions asked about the 'Arry revival. And, to be honest, those questions should still be asked.

1-0? So what? Had Di Michele either taken a tumble as Woodgate tried to rugby tackle his ankle in the penalty box, or poked home that one-on-one opportunity, the result would probably have gone the other way. We know that Tristan and Di Michele are not good enough for the Prem, we know we have to get Ashton, Cole and Dyer fit and we still need another striker, so the fact we failed to score was no great surprise to anybody in Claret and Blue colours. Pavlova took his goal very well, it was a lovely turn and finish, but Green didn't exactly have a busy afternoon apart from that did he? For all the money spent, Tottenham looked pretty impotent considering they were playing against our stiffs!

So gloat away you Cockyfools but the result should really read Tottenham 1 West Ham Reserves 0. A one goal victory over our stiffs when you have home advantage doesn't look so great the following morning does it?

Tottenham away - Luis Boa-Morte's Day of Destiny?

Way back in the mists of time, post Tottenham's Champions League Choke and on the coat tails of our Great Escape, there were rumours that the Cockyfools wanted to sign Luis. They needed somebody to play wide left with the ability, not only to cross, but to chip in with goals, and Luis seemed to fit the bill. He had, after all, netted during our Great Escape and, although that was, and remains, his solitary goal for the club, he had an impressive reputation based upon his days at Fulham. Sadly, Curbishley didn't want to let him go and his wages were also an obstacle - or so the red tops would have us believe. Some transfer stories are obviously stupid but this one made some sense. Tottenham still have not solved the problem of who to play on the left of midfield.

In many ways LBM is the "typical Tottenham signing", a player who has flattered to deceive elsewhere and who is then found wanting when moving to a bigger club - I offer you Bentley, Pavlova, Robinson, Bent et all. Whereas players grow when they move to some clubs, at Tottenham they shrivel into a shell. Perhaps it is because the need for the snip is hidden in the small print!

And the point of all this? Well in his third season, and after 72 appearances in Claret and Blue, Luis actually had a very good game for us last week. His all round contribution over the 90 minutes was impressive and his pass for the Stanislas goal was, in my opinion, the "pass of the season" from a Hammer this year. This came on the back of a thoroughly committed performance against Blackburn and a vital assist (albeit from an offside position). All that is missing is a goal - and whilst I never make predictions about West Ham games, I have this feeling in my water that today is the day for Luis, the day he moves from zero to hero and from Fool to Crown Prince. The picture suggests that he isn't called donkey based on his ability after all!

The odds are against us. Tottenham's home form has been good and 'Arry turns us over every time we play one of his sides. We were terrible at Upton Park against them and memories of the 4-0 thumping from last season are still all too fresh. Add in the fact that The Foe is set to return and we are without half a team of first pick players and it doesn't look too hopeful does it? But then it was going to be a walk over in May 2006 and Tottenham were going to be playing Champions League football the following season weren't they?

Last season Boa was vilified after being sent off in the corresponding fixture. That was the final straw for many of us. We thought he was useless, and this confirmed he was a total liability. Even Curbishley moved off script, interrupting his post match rant about Anton to criticise one of his own "untouchables", actually saying that a player he had signed had put in a less than perfect performance. Boa owes us, this is his Day of Destiny! If he does net the winner, remember you heard it here first. If he has a mare, just read what else I've posted about him in the past.

But for now, immortality beckons, come on Boa, you can do it!

May 7, 2006 - The Tottenham Patient Became Critical

On the eve of the game, let's roll back three years to that fateful day in 2006, when the Cockyfools were knocking on the door of the Champions League. Well so they thought. As it happened, the only door they were knocking on was marked WC as all their dreams were honked down the toilet!

Remember their confidence? We were in the Cup Final and had nothing to play for in the League. Ashton wasn't going to be risked and what Hammer in his right mind was going to risk an injury or suspension by going in to a full blooded 50-50 challenge? All Tottenham had to do was turn up to collect the points, or so they thought. And they very nearly almost never managed that anyway!

Look at the West Ham team that day! Hislop, Scaloni, Konchesky, Fletcher, Gabbidon, Ferdinand, Reo-Choker, Yossi, Sherringham, Zamora, Newton. Now, that is the side that stood between Tottenham and Champions League football! Where are they now? Only Gabbidon remains at Upton Park and he is only on our books to keep Beano company in the treatment room. Fletcher? Fizzy Pop. Newton? God knows. Hislop? Retired. Reo-Choker a Villa understudy. Sherringham retired. Yossi, a bit part player for a genuine Champions League team. Ferdinand? Fighting relegation with Blunderland. Zamora and Konchesky, playing for the mighty Fulham! This was the team, with one and a half eyes on the Cup Final, who stood between Tottenham and their Manifest Destiny! And they blew it!

Carl Fletcher, bless his wife's cotton gusset, only managed one goal in the Premiership - and he saved it for this game to ensure a cult hero status at the club divorced completely from any alleged activities of his wife. A 30 yard fizzing shot sent the Tottenham team rushing to the toilet as the tension churned their guts like baked beans in a blender. A The Foe equalizer and a missed Sherringham penalty gave Tottenham hope, but then up popped Yossi the Israeli, with glorious irony, to net a late winner and crush Tottenham's dreams.

Of course, then the complaints started. The patient was ill they said. In fact, though they didn't know it, the patient was almost on its death bed! Look what has happened since to the mighty, mighty Tottenham Hotspur! A Carling Cup trophy apart, and that is probably not the best competition in the world, it has been a tale (or tail?) of unremitting woe. The sacking of Jol, the appointment of Oneday Never, the desperate appointment of 'Arry - and a team bought, sold, and re-bought on the Never Never. The financial time bomb at Tottenham is on the tick, and ticking!

This weekend they come up against another under strength West Ham team and again will fancy their chances. All the talk down Tottenham way is of how 'Arry has turned around the team and how the future is bright under his tactically astute leadership. Well, remember why Keane and The Foe were sold? Becuase they couldn't play together! So what has 'Arry done? Spent £30million plus to reunite them. Brilliant! You can bet your life that a revolving door will be fitted to the Tottenham dressing room again this summer as the big bucks burn a hole in 'Arry's pocket. We know at West Ham what a disaster it is to let 'Arry spend big, and Pompey fans are now learning the price of allowing 'Arry to build a team of high salaried mercenaries. Come August, the Tottenahm team will be barely recognizable from the one that will take the field this weekend - and the clever money is on them playing like strangers for the first two months of the new season. What price Tottenham looking for a new manager in November?

May 7, 2006 - the day was a real sickener for Tottenham and a happy irrelevance for West Ham. Six days later we played our part in the greatest FA Cup final ever. Tottenham, meanwhile, are still chasing the myth of their greatness, like a sad old geezer trying to chat up a twenty one year old piece of crumpet in Ibiza. Just watch old 'Arry's twitch speed up in the coming months as yet another bid for glory goes pear shaped! We have Zola, Tottenham have 'Arry - you couldn't wish for a better metaphor for one club that is looking to the future and another hanging on to the coat-tails of the past! Tottenham may get a result at the weekend but there will be plenty of sickeners ahead!

Why Tottenham May Be Make or Break

Our run in is certainly tough! Everton away, Villa away, Chelsea and Liverpool at home, Stoke away - we might hope for 4 to 6 points from that lot but we certainly would not EXPECT many more, particularly with all our injuries. Zola set a target of 52 points for European qualification and it is hard to see where those are coming from. The two points surrendered against West Brom could well prove very costly. The only "banker" between now and the end of the season is Boro at home, and we didn't exactly intimidate them in the cup games did we?

So, the Tottenham game becomes huge. A defeat puts them just three points behind us with an easier run in; a draw maintains a 6 point gap, and a victory would make it incredibly difficult for them to catch us. But with all the injuries, is a victory realistic or is a repeat of the 4-0 thumping more likely?

Tottenham fans certainly seem confident. But are they cocky with justification or just Cockyfools as usual? The sending off on Saturday will definitely help us as will yet another error from Gomes. Stuff the short corners lads, get the ball in the air in the box and give Gomes the opportunity to cock up! Defensively we are much stronger than last year and Bent is hardly a one for one replacement for Barbietop is he? Lennon will fortunately be up against Ilunga rather than Neill, unless Tottenham decide to switch his flank, in which case he becomes 50% less effective anyway. In truth, when you look at their team, they aren't too much to write home about despite all that outlay of money.

But what team will we send out? We need Tristan sadly, just for his inches. If Kovac and Parker are fit, will Stanislas retain his place or will Zola play safe and go with experience? I think he should opt for safety first. One point keeps a 6 point buffer and edges us marginally closer to our target. Defeat to one of our main rivals would not just be painful but potentially disastrous.

I hope Clarke and Zola invoke the spirit that saw us shut out Liverpool, Chelsea and Arsenal on their own dung heaps - banks of four closing, closing, closing. Then bring on Dyer for twenty minutes and go for the jugular!

Where are you Tottenham and Manchester City? (Ashes asks!)

A terrific afternoon for the Hammers but not so good for the wannabees, Citeh and Spuds. Ha Ha! The look of horror on Harry's Jowly Face said it all. He thought that a dodgy penalty, and Keane arrogantly placing the ball IN FRONT of the penalty spot, were going to be enough to get them home. His players thought it was enough. They thought they were going to rocket into 7th place. They thought they were too good for their Chelsea-beating boots. Ha Ha! They should have asked the mighty, mighty Hammers how hard it is to beat Blackburn on their dung heap. Just a couple of yellow cards (which Palacios can't appeal) and Bob's your uncle: McCarthy and Oojier sent them packing with the help of Gomes. Justly. Couldn't have happened to a nicer bunch! (sorry for laying on the schadenfreude so thick mates, but ... no, wait a minute, NOT sorry).

Similar story at the Emirates. Another team that was supposed to be "going places". A team so good that the Putter-Nutter said, "I'd be crazy to turn down the offer to be part of something so big". A team that cannot score away from home! How much did they pay for Ribena? He has only scored once in 2009 - and that was for Brazil!

On this day, two young Academy products, one just turned twenty the other nineteen, showed anybody who cared to watch (not that Citeh and Spuds think we're worth watching) how it is done: with spirit, with tenacity, with skill, with style, with grace, with FUN.

THANK YOU HAMMERS FOR MAKING MY DAY!!!

Level Playing Field?

So, Upson is unfit to play on Saturday but is fine to join up with the England squad regardless. Collins is out for 2 weeks, and has only managed 15 league games in total all season, but is OK to join up with Wales. Period Pains hardly kicked a ball for us for 15 months but still popped up in a Welsh shirt from time to time. So how comes Leggy King can wear the lillywhite of the Cockyfools but can't manage 90 minutes for England? Redknapp moans that the guy can't play more than one game a week, but who is asking him to? He needn't play on Saturday if Capello thinks he might be needed for Wednesday!

This stinks. King isn't fit between games but that doesn't mean he can't give 70 minutes to his country a week after playing a Premiership game. He would be turning out for Tottenham on Saturday if there were Premiership games instead of internationals, so how can Redknapp pull him from the England squad? This highlights the selfishness of Tottenham and Redknapp alike. In contrast, we seem to put the needs of the national teams over our own. I bet Dyer would be with England now had Capello selected him.

I think Capello, FIFA, UEFA and the FA should make a stand. There should be a rule, all or none. If Liverpool pull Gerrard from the squad for an operation, then sod Liverpool, don't allow any of their players to be picked for any of the national teams. If Tottenham want to deprive England of their King, then ban all national teams from selecting Tottenham players. That would put an end to this nonsense immediately. Top internationals would immediately shun the barred clubs and the likes of Torres and Keane would demand moves elsewhere.

We won the World Cup for England when Redknapp was at the club but then he was never good enough for England, neither as a player, nor as manager, so perhaps he doesn't understand the honour and pride involved in pulling on the national shirt. As for England, Capello knows that Upson WILL play through the pain barrier for his country even if he won't do it for his club. The King is dead, long live the...Upson!

A Can of Worms

Have we just opened the biggest can of worms in the history of football by agreeing an out of court settlement with Shafting United? Yes, their claim has been put to bed but, by admitting wrong doing and culpability, have we simply declared open season for the World and his wife to claim compensation at our expense?

Warnock has already gobbed off, but there's no surprise there. Apparently, single handedly, he built the mighty empire that was Sheffield United and, single handedly, Tevez razed it to the ground. Had it not been for Tevez, Warnock, it seems, would now be managing Real Madrid and England simultaneously instead of trying to squeeze Palace into the Fizzy Pop playoffs. The greatest self publicist since Brain Clough has been robbed of the mantle of Best Manager Since Old Big Head and must be due what, £30million in compensation?

But if Warnock is due a pay day, what about the players? How cruel was their fate to be relegated from the Premiership despite amassing a mighty 38 points over a whole season? These footballing gods battled their way to 10 victories over a 38 game season and scored a breathtaking 32 goals, almost one a game, a whole eight of which were netted away from home! Never has the Premiership seen their compare! How mighty were the fallen? How great and unjust was their wrong? Those poor wronged souls, condemned to a career outside the Premiership for clearly a transfer based on their Premiership pedigree was always out of the question! Surely a payment of £30million is the very least that each can expect in the circumstances.

But why stop at the players? What about the fans? Imagine the emotional trauma endured as a result of the club's utterly unmerited relegation. For two years now, Blades fans have been denied the opportunity to see their players kicking Premiership players up into the air. Surely every man, woman and child in the red and white stripes side of Sheffield deserves a minimum payment of, let's say, £100,000?

And why stop at the fans? What about all those dogs kicked by their angry owners in the days following the club's Premiership demise? Dogs have rights too and as West ham could soon find to their cost, every dog has his day! Ten grand and a packet of Winalot to every pooch must be a fair and equitable settlement surely.

And so it goes on. Don't Charlton have a claim? Who knows, had they stayed ahead of us in the table, they might have found the reserves to battle their way to safety. And Fulham and Wigan could have finished a place higher too. Blackburn would have pipped Bolton into Europe had they not lost to us but then again Bolton would have finished above Everton had they not been slain by Tevez at Upton Park but then again Everton would have finished above Tottenham had they not suffered the same cruel fate. And what about Arsenal? They would have finished above Liverpool had Tevez, cleverly disguised as Robert Green, not kept out fifteen million shots on our goal at the Emirates. And then there's all those managers, and all those players and all those fans and all those dogs. Just think, if it wasn't for Tevez, Mini Me Sammy Lee would still be the manager of Bolton Wanderers!

We have only seen the tip of the iceberg my friends. Before you know it, Gordon Brown will be blaming Tevez for the collapse of the world banking system. A final settlement in the Tevez affair? This may just be the beginning!

West Ham to sign Andy Murray!

West Ham have just announced the signing of tennis ace Andy Murray. Manager Alan Curbishley explained, "As his performance in the Olympics showed, Murray is a mercenary b8stard who doesn't give a toss about the team if there isn't a big pay cheque for winning. Doesn't that sound like all my other signings? Andy is also injured on a regular basis and regularly flatters to deceive. He will fit in with the present squad perfectly! All I have to do now is to iron the attacking shots out of his game to make him the perfect Curbishley player!" Tottenham, meanwhile, have signed Nadal!

Bent? He must be!

So Darren Bent wants to join Tottenham! Is this boy mad? Has he heard of Berbatov and Keane? Has the penny dropped that Defoe can't get a kick even though he's scored as many goals as he's played games? So, Bent's not interested in furthering his international career then! He's happy being the "alternative" striker!

Or does he know something we don't? Is Berbatov on his way after all, lured by Madrid, Milan, United or Chelsea?

Bent and Keane. Doesn't have the same ring really, does it? So you cocky Spurs, remember what it says in the Torah, the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. And remember too, you don't get through the pearly gates of the top four if you're Bent!