Upson; is the clever thing to sell?

Cards on the table to begin with. I thought Upson was a bad buy when we signed him from Birmingham but his subsequent performances have obliged me to eat humble pie. He has been superb this season and is undoubtedly the cotter pin of our defence, marshalling and leading the defensive unit superbly. So why on earth might it make sense to sell?

Well every player has his price of course. We needed Bellyache but £14million to take away Period Pains was too good an offer to turn down. We overpaid when we bought the Welsh troubled troublemaker, so Manchester City's offer was nothing less than staggering. Remember, Tottenham started bidding at less than half that price!

Now something that both Upson and Bellamy have in common is a bad history of long term injuries. Upson still plays with bits of the Yellow Pages in his boots at the advice of some Quack and, sooner or later, he will break down. As Bellyache has since his move to City.

Then there is the age factor. Again, Bellyache and Upson are both in their late twenties. How many years does Upson have left at the top? Four years? Five if he is very lucky. As that body ages, so the accumulative build up of all his injuries will increase. He will miss more and more games as his ageometer ticks past 30, 31, 32...

Upson seems to think that playing in Europe will enhance his chances of playing for England. That is nonsense. He is in the England squad already so how does that make sense. Perhaps he thinks it will establish him as first choice over Ferdinand and Terry? If so, the guy is living on a different planet. He is good but he isn't going to displace either of Rio or JT, irrespective of whether or not he plays in Europe. Let's face it, he already plays against three of the best teams in Europe given this year's Champions League semifinal line up. Liverpool fans will argue that had they avoided Chelsea, they would also be in the last four - so four of the top five teams in Europe! What does the guy stand to gain by moving therefore? If he plays for Arsenal, he won't get the chance to test himself against them! So why does he REALLY want to move? Money perhaps?

Then there is the Clarke factor. Clarke can organise a defence and, to be honest, when Upson was missing, we coped OK. Upson might find himself a "squad player" at Arsenal and actually slipping down the England pecking order. If I was him, and I was really looking to further my England career, I would stay where my first team place was guaranteed, working with one of the top coaches in the game in the process.

If we wants to go, he will go. This is all paper talk at the moment but I do not expect him to stay if we end the season with a whimper. What would be a fair price? If we could get £12million I would sell.

How good is Matthew Upson?

Well, this one shouldn't take too long! When Curbishley bought Upson, I thought, "Oh no!" and all my fears were confirmed almost immediately. The guy was a physical wreck and, at his very best, had never been anything other than marginally above ordinary anyway. Like the signings of Downpipe and Quashie, this smacked of utter desperation (Yes, I admit that I thought Boa-Morte was a good signing at the time!). Remember Upson limping off after just 10 minutes against Tottenham? He was bought to help us avoid the drop and managed just 40 minutes of football that season, missing the whole of the Great Escape in the process. Finding Upson in a West Ham shirt was like trying to spot the director's cameo in a Hitchcock movie, and we lost both games that Upson appeared in anyway.

And then we went out and bought Dyer, Bellamy and Ljungberg, and the signing of Upson suddenly seemed to make sense. Curbishley wasn't building a football team but a Casualty ward, desperately trying to fill the beds to prevent closure of the BUPA ward in Newham General Hospital. Poor Beano needed company to keep up his spirits and Curbishley was the man to find him some friends. We only needed to sign Roy Figgis to set up a remake of Only When I Laugh! (Images of baggy eyed Curbishley in the Richard Wilson role exploding, "I do not believe it!")

Then there was the lump. No, not a lump on the leg or the testicles, something much worse, the "Upson lump", that long aimless thump up-field that characterised the Curbishley era. I imagine the dressing room before the game. Upson turns to Turds and asks, "One lump or two boss?"; Curbishley rubs his eyes and replies, "At least five, then after the first ten minutes we will review the plan." It was dire and, although he was looking superb as a defender, Upson was the "Lumper In Chief", the heavy artillery of Field Marshall Curbishley's "Over the top and Charge!!!!!!!!" idea of tactics.

But look at him now! Until the build up to the recent England games, an ever present in the Prem all season after starting 33 games last season. There are stories of witchcraft and Yellow Pages inserts to keep the guy fit, but credit where credit is due, he is the modern Lazarus. His defending is now excellent, so good in fact that at times I've wished that number 6 shirt hadn't been retired - Upson deserves to wear it. And with the arrival of Zola, so the lump has been retired. Now Upson feeds the ball to a midfielder and we play from the back.

Three goalless draws in one season at Chelsea, Liverpool and Arsenal is unheard of at West Ham. Tomkins, Neill and Collins have all looked top notch, no doubt enhanced by playing alongside Upson. As the senior partner of the centre backs he is the defensive captain of the team and, this season, he has done that job superbly. He is my choice as Hammer of the Year.

How good is Upson? He is our best centre back since Bobby Moore, so good that he would not disgrace that number 6 shirt. And I can't pay the guy a bigger compliment than that!

Level Playing Field?

So, Upson is unfit to play on Saturday but is fine to join up with the England squad regardless. Collins is out for 2 weeks, and has only managed 15 league games in total all season, but is OK to join up with Wales. Period Pains hardly kicked a ball for us for 15 months but still popped up in a Welsh shirt from time to time. So how comes Leggy King can wear the lillywhite of the Cockyfools but can't manage 90 minutes for England? Redknapp moans that the guy can't play more than one game a week, but who is asking him to? He needn't play on Saturday if Capello thinks he might be needed for Wednesday!

This stinks. King isn't fit between games but that doesn't mean he can't give 70 minutes to his country a week after playing a Premiership game. He would be turning out for Tottenham on Saturday if there were Premiership games instead of internationals, so how can Redknapp pull him from the England squad? This highlights the selfishness of Tottenham and Redknapp alike. In contrast, we seem to put the needs of the national teams over our own. I bet Dyer would be with England now had Capello selected him.

I think Capello, FIFA, UEFA and the FA should make a stand. There should be a rule, all or none. If Liverpool pull Gerrard from the squad for an operation, then sod Liverpool, don't allow any of their players to be picked for any of the national teams. If Tottenham want to deprive England of their King, then ban all national teams from selecting Tottenham players. That would put an end to this nonsense immediately. Top internationals would immediately shun the barred clubs and the likes of Torres and Keane would demand moves elsewhere.

We won the World Cup for England when Redknapp was at the club but then he was never good enough for England, neither as a player, nor as manager, so perhaps he doesn't understand the honour and pride involved in pulling on the national shirt. As for England, Capello knows that Upson WILL play through the pain barrier for his country even if he won't do it for his club. The King is dead, long live the...Upson!

The Steady Crawl of the Caravan Brigade

Excuse me Alan, how about this for an odd idea? How about we go to Fulham tomorrow and attack the Craven Cottagers? How about we go 3-5-2 – The Beatle, Upson and Anton at the back, Faubert and Nobby as wide men (attacking wing backs), Mullins as the midfield anchor, Noble and Freddie breaking forward from midfield, and Ashton and Sears up front? How about sending a message Al, “We’re better than them so let’s go out and score some goals”? How about you park up the caravan Al, get out of the brown Volvo and jump into a bright red Ferrari instead, putting your foot to the floor? What’s that mate? We still need three points to be safe? A point at Fulham would be a useful stepping stone to survival? Alan? Alan? Wind down the window a second mate! Turn down Radio 2 mate! Oy Alan, mind what you’re doing with that bloody caravan, you nearly ran over my foot!

Ninth from bottom here we come!

A little serious reflection. The lucky victory over Sunderland means we are stuck with Turds for the time being so what can we reasonably expect between now and the end of the season? Is mid table the best we can hope for? Or are we in a false position with the potential to either push on for a top six position or slide back into a relegation dog fight?

Let's deal with the relegation issue first. Spurs will not go down. Their position is obviously false and, no matter what you think of him, Jol is not Glenn Roeder. Spurs will come good, probably when we play them! In truth, when you take into account that they have played Arsenal, United and Liverpool already, their points tally is probably only 6 or 7 short of what it should be. Had those points been collected, they would be rubbing shoulders with ourselves. The defeat at Sunderland and the home reverse against Everton were their nightmare results.

Bolton are interesting and much will obviously hang on who they bring in to replace Mini Me. I predicted Little Sam's demise back in May but the directors have acted slightly quicker than I expected. Another month of Sammy playing at being manager would have condemned them; now there is time for his replacement to save them. The key will probably be the reaction of Nolan and Anelka to the new boss. If these two want away, Bolton will slip through the trap door. I'd have both at Upton Park! I'm a huge fan of Jewell and believe that if Bolton recruit him, they will stay up.

Derby aren't worth discussing. They will go down.

Fulham are poor too. Sanchez has built a Championship team and that is where they are probably heading. One Cap Chesky reckons he's made a good career move; perhaps that's because he knows he is not a Premiership defender! They should have been relegated last season; only Benitez kept them up by selecting his stiffs at the Cottage. Going down!

So that's two of the three sorted!

What about Sunderland? Well, despite the fact that we made them look like world beaters, they are a very poor team. Keane may be a brilliant motivator and a good tactician but he will have to have the powers of Moses to keep this lot out of the bottom six. I saw the team sheet before kick off and thought, there's nobody outside of the keeper who deserves a Premiership place. By the end, I felt differently about Kenwyne Jones but then Upson can make the average donkey look like a Derby winner. With Chopra, Richardson and Connolly in the squad, they must be live contenders for the drop, especially if Keane sees the writing on the wall and jumps ship in mid season. Let's see, if Spurs decided they couldn't wait for the Spaniard and off loaded Jol? Probably not.

What about Birmingham? Quite, what about Birmingham? How average are Birmingham? Another Championship team and led by a manager who has all the tactical nounce of McClanger. In an average Premiership, they would be my favourites for the third relegation spot unless they are bought out quickly. But even then, who in their right mind would join Birmingham? They are the Vauxhall Nova of the Premiership -no glamour whatsoever despite Sullivan and Karen Brady. And would I live within commuting distance of Birmingham if I was a millionaire footballer? No thanks! Mind you, we all know the name of one idiot who chose to leave West Ham to further his career as a player at Birmingham - step forward Turds!

How about Boro? Well, they are crap! How on earth have they ended up with such a poor team after all the money they have spent over the last few years? Downing will be off in January around about the time Mido gets his letter home from the local authority for being obese and Woodgate books a six month break in California to recuperate from his latest injury! No Yakubu, no Viduka, no hope. And Southgate as a manager; sorry, he just doesn't hack it. If Birmingham are bank rolled Boro will be in big trouble. Fourth from bottom will represent over achievement in my book.

But we still haven't considered Wigan! How poor are they? Our home draw against them will be seen as two points tossed away. Jewell kept them up. Just like Allardyce, the manager was bigger than the club. Hutchins is better than Mini Me but Wigan's trouble is that they will give him more time to fail comprehensively. They don't belong in the Premiership. It has been fun whilst it has lasted but it is surely time to say goodbye. My tip for second from bottom!

And we still haven't reached Reading! How bad is this Premiership? Best league in the world? What a joke! Just like ourselves, Reading have been found out in their second season. You can only charge around at a million miles per hour for so long! Unlike us, Reading will not be able to sign Tevez! The corners will probably keep them up unless Coppell talks himself into resignation. He is prone to depression. On Saturday he looked like he needed Prozak!

So, on that basis, we should be able to finish ninth from bottom without breaking too much sweat. This is a poor division! Outside of seven or eight clubs, there is no quality whatsoever.

So, what about looking upwards? Well there are some teams who will definitely finish above us of course: Arsenal, United, Chelsea, Liverpool and Newcastle (the Allardyce factor!). Is Sven good enough to keep City up there? Possibly. If so, what a mistake it was by the FA to let him go! However, if Elano were to be injured...Then there is Blackburn. Well full marks again to Sparky - he can spot a player and bring the best out of him once he's bought him. Spurs will be above us come the end of April. It hurts me to say it but we all know it's true! Everton? Average team, excellent manager. Head to head with ourselves, you'd have to fancy Moyes to out think Turds. Portsmouth? 'Arry 'as 'em buzzin! Providing he can stave off the Parkinsons, you'd have to fancy Pompey under the old twitcher to make it into Europe this year. But how good are they really? Man for man, no better than ourselves even with our injuries. Which leaves Villa! Well we desperately want Villa to fail because of Reo-Choker; oh the delight to see the pout as he was sent from the field against United! Who was O'Neill so angry with, the ref or the black Judas?

So, at the end of it all, we are playing in a mini league of Villa, Everton, Blackburn, City, Portsmouth and Spurs. Put those into a predicted finishing order and I would go: Portsmouth, Blackburn, Man City, Spurs, Villa, Everton, West Ham. So that's ninth from bottom then! Four places higher than last season! It won't get Turds Manager of the Season will it? The question is, will it get him the chop?

Turds Drops Another Big One!

Here we go again! Okay, defeats away to Newcastle and at home to a buzzing Arsenal are not a disaster but what on earth does Turds think he is up to? Am I mad or has Mullins been playing rather well? And Parker? He looked dazed and confused before kick off and petrified once the ball was in play. Tentative, anxious, dazed, he was bloody hopeless. Then on came Mullins at half time and suddenly we had some bite in midfield. Just what has Mullins done to upset Turds? And then there's Gabbidon! Was he not our player of the year in our first year back up? And when he came on against Arsenal, suddenly the defence looked so much more solid. Is Turds picking Upson and Parker to justify the fees I wonder?

And what about Neill? He was hopelessly at fault for the first two goals against Newcastle and nowhere to be seen for the third (although the cross came from the Newcastle left flank from inside the penalty box!) Why, exactly, was Bowyer trying to make the tackle in the right back position inside the box for the second goal and what was Neill up to when he tried to dribble the ball out of defence to set up Newcastle's first? Come the Arsenal game and diagonal balls were being played up to Diaby with Neill again nowhere to be seen! And when the goal was scored, Neill as good as offered Van Persie a lift up to score the goal! And what pray was McCartney up to? Ferdinand was holding Adebeyour up on the edge of the box and, rather than go wide to mark Hleb, McCartney ran into the box and marked empty space, leaving Hleb all the time in the world to deliver his cross! Pathetic!

One last moan. Camera or Cole? Good God, it makes you yearn for Clyde Best! These two are bloody hopeless. Camera runs around like a headless chicken and doesn't understand the off side law; and Cole doesn't run at all! How much are we paying these two clowns exactly?

Let's hope the cheque book is opened in January. We HAVE to buy a left back and we URGENTLY need another striker. Without Bellamy and Ashton we would be stuffed!

Selling off the family plastic

Am I worrying unnecessarily as Turds empties the plastic cutlery drawer but seems to have nothing to replace it with? Onecapchesky to Fulham, Reo-Choker to Villa, Christmas Carol to Rangers, Mears to Derby, Marlon Mahogony to Wigan and Yossi Circumcision to the Reds.

Sure, there's a certain joy at the thought of Softwood and Heskey forming a miss a barn door from five yards partnership at Wigan and of Liverpool knocking a ball down the line for an Israeli who's gone missing on the West Bank (or left flank if you prefer!) Obviously, the moment when Reo-Choker pouts at an angry O'Neil as he is hauled from the pitch will be something to treasure. But, assuming Tevez has gone, what have we got left?

The squad is now tissue thin. Will Upson ever rise from the treatment table? Has Ashton got two good ankles? Where is the midfield cover? Who will fill in for Bellamy when he goes down for a three month stretch? Does this look like a squad challenging for a Champions League place as we were promised or a team that will get a nose bleed if it climbs half a dozen places off the bottom of the table? Where are the goals going to come from, remembering that Ashton only has a handful of Premiership goals to his name anyway? Suddenly I'm pining for Bent or Defoe!

It could be worse of course - we could have "invested" ten million in Chopra and Richardson! How long before the wearysiders realise that Keane isn't Fergy in disguise?

Confession Time

Time to confess. Following the capitulation to Spurs, I rang 606 to call for the dismissal of Curbishley. My reasoning was as follows: by sending on two forwards and taking off two midfield players he had handed the game on a plate to Spurs - even if we scored, which of course Zamora did - we would be unable to defend the lead - as was proved; he had bought badly - Boa Morte, Quashie, Upson and Davenport are all bad signings; he had failed to inspire the team as the disasterous results were proving; at Charlton Curbishley never won a game after Christmas and we appointed him in december; and the appointment of an ex player as manager rarely works anyway.

On this last point, I was particularly disappointed to see Curbishley and Day returning to the club. Those Hammers fans with a long enough memory will recall that Curbs left the club to join Birmingham (for £275,000) bleating that if you play in midfield for West Ham you're told to give the ball to Brooking and Devonshire - much the way Noble was no doubt being told to give the ball to Tevez! He clearly had no love for the club then so it was hardly a case of the long lost son returning to the fold.

As for Day, well let me tell you a story about him. It was a cold night some time in the late seventies. The first team were playing away to QPR in the FA Cup and the reserves had a fixture in Southampton where I lived. Day, along with Alvin Martin, had been dropped to the stiffs. I stood on the terraces with my transistor radio attached to my ear, watching as the reserves lost 2-0 and the first team were stuffed 6-1. At the end of the match, Day asked me about the first team result and when I told him the score, his face broke into a broad smile and he and Martin did a high five. The truth about a footballer's motivation hit home painfully. Here was I, sick in my soul because my beloved Hammers had been humiliated; here were two of the players I idolised delighted because the result might open the door for their return to the first team. I've never forgiven them since!

Where do I stand on Curbishley now? Well there was an awful lot of luck mixed in with our "great run" at the end of the season: the referee and linesmen in the Blackburn game should be made honoury Hammers; the United players had nothing to play for in the final game; Bolton were in turmoil following the hand over from Big Sam to Mini Me; Wigan were in free fall; Arsenal murdered us and still contrived to lose 1-0. God does support West Ham after all! For the true "spirit", look at that awful performance away to a fully committed Sheffield United. For a true illustration of Curbs' ability to motivate, look at our thumping at Charlton. In the run up to that game it was obvious who was going to win. Pards kept using words like "opportunity"; Curbs was offering excuses and using phrases like "must win" and "we need three points from somewhere". He looked and sounded so down.

So, let's imagine the linesman hadn't ruled in favour of that "goal" that never was at Blackburn. How would our season have ended then? Or what if Arsenal had netted one of their thirty or so chances before Zamora scored at the Emirates? Or what if United had needed to win the last game to secure the Premiership? Or what if Big Sam had still been at the helm at Bolton? I fear that without the players and coaching staff roasting Lady Luck in the back of the team coach we would then have been planning for a local "derby" against Colchester next season! Let's not run away with the idea that Curbishley is suddenly a managerial god. He got lucky, big time!

And where now? Well he has a long memory. He clearly hates Konchesky so he's out. I can only assume that Mullins was caught crapping in Curbs' kit bag. Bowyer is a favourite so it looks like we'll be stuck with him even though he must be hated by all the black players. Parker? Good signing if we get him but he is another old favourite isn't he? I'm wondering if Curbishley has any fresh ideas, any vision? Tevez and Lady Luck saved us this year. Trouble is, will either be wearing Claret & Blue next season?