So, we signed Ba after he failed a medical and, as a result, we may be able to hold on to him next season, and the same applies to the German. Critics of Grant argue that he was backed by the Board. Oh yes? For the big kick off they signed a Panzer Tank with a knackered caterpillar track, a Taco Bell employee of the month masquerading as a Mexican international, a lumbering Israeli to translate for Grant in the dressing room, a New Zealand footballer plying his trade in the Danish league, Blackburn's reserve right back (who actually wasn't signed in time for the season's start), Piquionne who was relegated with Portsmouth the season before and Obinna, another bit of Inter jetsam with the same shit hallmark as Jimenez.
Talk about "Never mind the quality, feel the width"! Clearly when Sullivan and Gold go into the "transfer market", they pop along to Queens Market and look out for a dodgy geezer with a suitcase!
"Psst. I've got a Maori with 'Danish' tattooed on his arse. Very little up front, stage payments if he plays, and you can tell the fans you've bought a World Cup star! And talking of which, I have this little Mexican chappie. Absolute spit of the real player. Speaks no English except 'Have a nice day' which he learnt working for Taco Bell. Nothing up front, stage payments based on games. If you can ever sell him, all the money goes back to Taco Bell. And look, a great big Jew. Real kosher stuff, born in the Promised Land no less, just like Jesus. Nothing up front, just pay his wages. Oh and look, here's a guy with a silly name and a silly haircut. On the books of Inter no less. Top notch crap this one. Nothing up front, just pay his wages and who knows, at the end of the season when he leaves Inter on a free, you might decide to sign him. Now, what else is in my suitcase? You'll like this one. Big and black just like your top selling dildo. Price tag of a million but Premiership experience."
"You want a what? A right back? Difficult one. Leave that with me, I'll see what I can pick up when I go Up North in a couple of weeks. OK if he is slow, short and useless? I can pick one up on the cheap like that. Nice doing business with you governor, but I have to rush, here comes the market inspector!"
17 comments:
brilliant article and very funny pissed myself laughing glad the pills are working
Cheers mate.
Jimwhu.....
Listen mate, if you've messed yer trawns reading HF's tame and unfunny offering of stand-up....umm, sorry, I mean....sit-down comedy, then I think you need to get out a little more! No offence meant of course dear chap!
Sorry HF...I don't mean to split hairs here, or even chop rabbits for that matter...but I think you'll find the German tank was in fact a Panzer (from the German, literally translated as 'coat of mail')...and not Panza (Sancho), who happened to be the simple squire to Cervantes' Don Quixote!
I know I sound like a pedant once again, but to be honest, that teensy weensy gaffe was THE stand-out element of the whole piece!!
Yeah, my Nazi history aint as good as some others'!
Good to have you back as a regular Shaun. Where were you all those months?
HF. I cant find anything pertaining to Hitz failing a medical anywhere. Where did it happen?
Very good fanno i must say these last few months have been extremely desperate viewing but your humour continues to annoy and piss off so many. Great banter as usual.
Cheers Basildon. Good to hear from you again. How are you mate?
Dave, it is referenced in the Ilford Redorder - local rag with contacts in the club.
Ilford Redorder - hahahahaha! Oh dear
Did you mean recorder?
No, this is the Communist sister paper mate!
I'm good thanks mate although never can I recall me wanting a football season to end so badly! What with Zola and then grant I can honestly say my love for west ham has been tested to the core
shaun start your own blogg up il visit and maybe i can compliment it but hfs blogg in these shit times supporting westham is a bit of light hearted fun it made me laugh keep taking the pills hf
Tested, but still burning like a dose of syphilis!
Shaun,
Did you spot the typo on the front page headline of The Times today?
"Obama hails start of new dawn in the West".
How did they manage to miss off the word "Ham" at the end?
Ilford? that's a bit up market for you HF always had you down for Jaywick caravan park with your Romany buddies.
"Critics of Grant argue that he was backed by the Board. Oh yes? For the big kick off they signed a Panzer Tank with a knackered caterpillar track, a Taco Bell employee of the month masquerading as a Mexican international, a lumbering Israeli to translate for Grant in the dressing room, a New Zealand footballer plying his trade in the Danish league, Blackburn's reserve right back (who actually wasn't signed in time for the season's start), Piquionne who was relegated with Portsmouth the season before and Obinna, another bit of Inter jetsam with the same shit hallmark as Jimenez."
Supporting him and what they then purchased are two different things HF. Of course they supported him. Unfortunately, they purchased shite because as I have always said, they are not football people. And I have also said in the past that the free or cheap deal is classic G&S. It's all coming out now.
And what was you doing in Ilford?
Great Scott JimWHU...you could be onto something there?!...my OWN Blogg??...now why didn't I think of that earlier?...I could entitle it 'The Peasant's Pedant'?!
Incidentally mate, you need to brush up on your grammar and punctuation...have a word with Fred!!
Anon 23:06 ,
As far as I'm concerned, The Angling Times can print what the hell they like about President Barack Obinna....
...but I don't think the missing word was 'Ham'....no, it was either 'Wild' preceeding the word 'West'...or 'Bank' following it!! That said, politics is just oil in the sand to me!!
Shaun,
Yes - We will probably do better going fishing or shooting rather than following WHU. It might even be easier to sort out the problems in the Middle East rather than those in the East End, unless of course they find oil in the Olympic stadium.
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