Upson Anybody?

Is this an old story recycled or has Goldfinger really come out and tried to encourage offers for Upson again?

If it wasn't our club, it would be hilarious. At the beginning of the summer, the porn merchants declared a clear out and, so far, not a single plastic sausage has sold. That's the bugger of all this TV coverage I suppose - clubs can see what they are buying rather than trust to the word of an agent!

You wouldn't have thought Goldfinger was a successful business man listening to him. We would sell if somebody bid "six or seven million" apparently. Well, after hearing that, who is going to bid £7million exactly?

Remember those heady days when £20m was being talked about for Cole, £17m for Behrami, £12m for Upson and £10m for Green? Seems a long time ago now.

So Upson's contract is running down; so what? Even if he was available on a Bosman, would anybody be rushing to sign him? His best days are behind him. In fact, he's the sort of player who traditionally turns up at West Ham at this stage in his career so, we must be odds on to sign him next June anyway!

By the way, Sullivan was "confident" Parker would sign that contract on Tuesday of this week. Goldfinger is now just "hopeful". Interesting shift in the language there methinks.

Joe Cole's Dream Start at Liverpool!

Wonderful stuff! Sent off on his debut and misses a penalty tonight. Serves the mercenary little runt right! Oh and he's been given a driving ban too. But that's irrelevant. Being a Cockney in Liverpool, he won't have any wheels on his car anyway!

Parker Publicly Commits To West Ham!

Linked with Liverpool and Tottenham, Scott Parker has spoken out to quash the rumours and pledge his future to West Ham.

Parker said: "There's been no contact, it's all paper talk. Nothing can turn my head and I'm fully focused, I'm fully fit and raring to go and I just want to put a good shift in".

"I'm happy where I am. It's going to take a lot for me to move and as long as I'm wanted here I can see my future here."

"I have got nowhere I'd rather be than West Ham at the moment because West Ham gave me my chance and I want to correct last season".

Now that's what we want to hear isn't it? Trouble is, that was Carlton Cole speaking. I wonder why Scotty hasn't said something similar? That contract is still unsigned you know!

Oh Kovac!

How much has Kovac's 45 minutes at Villa Park cost us? Stoke were all set to stump up £1.5 million and save us a further £2million in wages over the next two years, but then Hitlersburger got injured and the club panicked. Hold the sale, hold the sale, we need Kovac for Saturday!

Well it looks as if Pulis had a close look at Rad's performance on Saturday and thought better of buying him. Concrete bollards come much cheaper than £1.5million up front and £20,000 a week in wages apparently!

So now we are in Czech Mate. We can't buy because we can't sell, and we can't sell because our players are crap. But to replace our crap players we have to buy new players but...

Unless, of course, we sell Parker...

Keane and Parker Swap

How long ago did I predict this? Let's see, that would be August 7. And now, reports are suggesting that Grant wants Robbie.

The swap makes perfect sense, especially if we play hard ball and get some cash as part of the deal. Parker doesn't want to be at the Boleyn, if he did, that contract would have been signed by now. 'Arry doesn't want Keane at Tottenham and is desperate to land Parker. It's a no brainer really, given our need for a forward and Tottenham's need for a box to box midfielder. The problem is Behrami. If he wants out, we are suddenly short of midfield cover.

But then there's always Kovac...

Major Announcement on Official Site

David Beckham has signed? No. Santa Cruz? No. Ronaldhino? No. Has Scott Parker autographed that new contract? Don't be silly, that was meant to happen on Tuesday! What then? What then?

Take your pick. £10 tickets for the game against the Oxford Undergraduates or "Reid up for kids for a quid" (He will be arrested if he's not careful!) or Herita back at the back!

Quiet news day on the OS obviously. Tell me, why hasn't Parker signed that contract yet?

Sort it out Avram!

Now is not the time to be keeping your options open. Now is the time for clarity and decision making. Apparently we don't know whether to sign Caicedo because of the limit on the number of long term domestic loan players you can have at any given time. We already have Ben Haim and we want Caicedo and Santa Cruz and three into two won't fit, except in the Davids' movies.

This sort of prevarication is ludicrous at this stage of the season. Fair enough keep potential Irons in the fire at the beginning of the summer, but not one game into the season with Bolton due at the Boleyn in two days time.

We seem to be "thinking on the hoof", not planning ahead, at the moment. Kovac was heading for Stoke but with Der Hammer's injury, the transfer was called off and Kovac selected. What? Were Basher and Goldfinger assuming that the German would go all season without injury? If we haven't got cover in the squad, we can't sell Kovac. Now that is a frightening thought!

At the core of all this is Parker. We can't buy because we can't sell. Well we can sell Parker and, given that contract still remains unsigned, we should sell Parker. But I suspect we are hanging on there, waiting for the Mascherano and Milner money to flood into the market.

The trouble is, Saturday's three points could be crucial. It is a tough enough start to the season as it is. If Bolton roll us over or leave the Boleyn with a point, we could be rock bottom through September. We need to win. We need to lay the ghosts of last season but the Davids and Brady are fiddling whilst the Boleyn burns.

Sort it out Avram, and fast!

Sullivan and Gold - The Case for the Defence

It's all very well bringing in all these strikers, but have Goldfinger and Basher never heard the saying, "You build from the back"? It's almost as we have changed sport and think the game works like basketball. So what we've conceded, let's charge up the other end and put one in the opposition net.

Happily football doesn't work like that! Our greatest ever player was, of course, a defender and, for me, the single best bit of skill in last night's game between Bern's Toddlers and Tottenham was a brilliant tackle on Roman Pavlova in the box. That tackle had to be timed perfectly or it was a nailed on penalty, especially the way the Russian dives, and it was executed superbly.

At Villa we saw how poor we are defensively. Yes the whole team played badly but, just like Tottenham against the Tiny Tots of Bern, and England against Germany, we were cut to ribbons at the back. We shipped 66 goals last season and cannot afford to repeat that this year. Saturday was not the best of starts!

So why are we ignoring our defensive frailties. Yes we have signed Reid and Ben Haim but are either a proper solution to our crying need for a quality right back? Not in my book. Poor Reid suffered a baptism of fire but he was burnt badly and rival managers would have taken note. Teams have been targeting our right flank for three seasons now and still nothing has been done about it. Why?

So Caicedo fine, Santa Cruz great if we get him on loan, but the real priority is to sort out our defence. Faubert, Spector, Reid and Ben Haim are all options but I thought Avram was the manager, not Hobson!

Hammers Against The Olympic Stadium Switch

(Article submitted by Paul)

Personally, I can't stand the idea of having a running track between the fans and the pitch. I can't think of any top level team that have 'chosen' to have a stadium with a track, let alone in the PL era.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not an old school 'never leave Upton Park' type of fan and definitely agree that we need a new, larger stadium but I think that the OS is a bit of a lazy and convenient option for relocating the club. There seems to be rather a lot of square pegs and round holes...

1) Brady has admitted that the existing OS design is wrong for modern football. Keeping the track would place the fans too far away from the action and the atmosphere generated would be compromised.

2) The conversion costs are ridiculous (circa £100m). Eastlands only cost £30m to convert. I'd rather spend the money on a new purpose build stadium. The Olympic Park site is vast, why not buy up part of the land and build our own, more suitable, stadium. That way the government still get some money back on their Olympic investment and we'd still benefit from the improved transport links.

3) We'd have to share the OS for other events and sports which could potentially damage the condition and development of the playing surface. Apparently that is one of the big problems Wembley are experiencing.

4) Will we really be able to attract 60,000 fans? We already struggle to reach capacity at UP.

Part of the ten point pledge by the new owners when they took over was to listen to the fans on key issues. Will they ask us before committing to such an important project? It looks to me as though we're already committed.

Maybe I'm in a minority but I would expect that other fans have similar concerns. Should we get an action group together to make our feelings known? HATOSS - Hammers Against The Olympic Stadium Switch.

Has Santa Come Early?

I was dubious about an £8 million purchase of Santa Cruz yesterday, but if we can really negotiate a season long loan with an option to buy in 12 months time, that would be one of the deals of the century. It would mean we would be unable to play Santa Cruz against the Northern Plastics but that would be a small price to pay.

Yes he is injury prone and no, he isn't a scrapper, but he would be one hell of a capture for the cost of his wages. Of course, that would still cost us the best part of £4 million for the year, but if that keeps us in the Prem, then that is a price well worth paying.

The worry is Mark Hughes. Might Roque fancy linking up with his old gaffer rather than Avram? The excuse for not buying is that we have injuries at the moment and so have been unable to sell anybody. That is the untimate lame excuse and means that we had better complete the deal quickly before Goldfinger and Sullimanga pocket all that cash from the Parker sale!

It's Wednesday. What didn't happen yesterday?

Interesting. Didn't Basher tell the World via his mouth organ The Daily Mail that he "expected" Parker to sign that new contract on Tuesday? Yes, I've checked. Some reports suggested Monday, others said "sometime this week" (sounds like sometime never to me) but the quotation marks were used for Tuesday.

So far, there is a deathly silence from the Official Site. Well not quite a deathly silence. There's been a good news release about "Dyer's perfect blend", and obviously that is more important than the news that Parker has signed his contract. You can imagine the editorial debate. "And I'm telling you a 2-1 victory for the reserves is bigger story than Parker signing a contract extension!"

But Parker is in the news of course. Liverpool are apparently sniffing again. With Milner moving and Masherano on his way, the cash will start pumping around the transfer market soon. Spurs aren't buying Remy and, after last night, you can see why 'Arry wants Parker. Scott's money will be on Tottenham winning the second leg on proper grass so the group stages of the Champions League looks probable rather than possible now. And if Scott wondered in which direction Villa were heading, Saturday gave him a pointer. Whilst West Ham....?

Tell me, leaving aside allegiance - and Parker is a Tottenham fan - where would you want to play your football if you had the choice, Liverpool, Tottenham, Villa or West Ham? Tell me, why hasn't that contract been signed yet? Tell me, is Parker REALLY going to be a West Ham player when the window closes?

Spurs - So nearly the bonfire of the vanities in Bern!

Well that was very nearly hilarious. What was it, 25 minutes and Spurs were already 3-0 down to a bunch of Swiss no marks? How bad were the Cockyfools at the back - as bad as we were at Villa to tell the truth. Had the Kids of Bern taken their chances, they could have had six!

I loved the TV close ups on 'Arry's 'ead. At one point I was sure it was going to turn 360 degrees, Exorcist fashion, unscrew and fly off into space! His face was puce, his double chin grew ten more chins and developed into one mass of tortoise flesh and he was up and down from that bench like a guy with piles. If only the Infants from Bern had kept their nerve and attacked for the full 90 minutes!

How poor were Dawson and Bassong? How awful was Assou-Ekotto? And how well did the Swiss Toddlers take their early chances? Tottenham came, preened themselves and were cut to ribbons! If the infant substitute had taken his two chances in the second half, the tie would be all over bar the Tottenham whinging!

The pity is, at 2-3, Tottenham are favourites to progress in the second leg. If 'Arry swallows his pride and picks Keane from the off, I reckon Tottenham are nailed on certainties to go through. But who knows? The Tiny Tots looked impressive on the break so if Tottenham over commit...

You win nothing with kids apparently; well 'Arry will be hoping that's right! And watching Palacios tonight, you can see why he wants Parker! Dear God, watching Tottenham tonight, they should bid for Tomkins!

Sekou Baradji, Jeremie Aliadierre, who else is in the bottom of the barrel?

Bloody hell, things are desperate. Ali's Derriere is due to sign in the next 24 hours and another old boy, Suckyou Baradji may soon follow. You have to wonder who will be next. Has Mido found a happy home yet? What about Davenport, did Forest sign him in the end? What are Di Michelle and Tristan doing these days?

How about Walter Lopez? Where is Mullins when you need him? Kyel Reid hasn't made it into the Sheffield United team so must yearn to come home. What about Henri Camara? We could bring Ljungberg back from the States and Solano might fancy a return to the Prem too. And that's only going back two seasons!

Bellyache Hits Cardiff

Well the Welsh Windbag is back where he belongs, with the best team in the country, the country being Wales of course! Mind you, Bellamy has been clever for once in his life! In his press conference he said all the right things as far as the Unreal City fans were concerned and, as this is a season long loan, he is clearly banking on Mancini getting the heave ho sometime between now and May and then returning to the City fold.

Presumably, the Abu Dhabi Group are still funding a great chunk of his wages. Cardiff can barely afford a pot for the Bellend to piss in, never mind the plonker himself. You have to pity Dave Jones who now has to manage him. Bellamy knows he is better than the rest of the team and won't he let them know it!

How long before Bellamy has a bust up on the training ground? Spread betting would probably set a favourite date for sometime in mid December.

Zola has a new job

He has written the script for the latest Rowntrees Randoms ad! Watch it and understand our tactics last season!

Behrami dancing round a pole, begging, "Look at me!"

After watching Behrami everytime an opponent came within a yard of him, I could understand why the Swiss were famous for their rolls, but up to now, I had no idea that Swiss Tarts were a delicacy too. I thought we sent disabled people to Amsterdam on our taxes, not to Geneva!

But the way Behrami is dancing round his pole, wriggling his skinny little body in his crotchless panties begging, "Come and get me Roma, I'll be your plaything" is making me puke.

When he arrived at the club, the Claret and Blue Klan went overboard about the guy. Just because he ran around a lot, with his tongue hanging out, he was immediately enshrined into the West Ham hall of fame. Never mind that he can't score, can't cross, has a poor tackling technique and plays with his head down so doesn't see a pass, he was hailed as a genius because of the amount of ground he covered over 90 minutes. Well a shit spreader can cover acres in 90 minutes! I said the guy wasn't all that on the Org and you could hear the howls of protest and derision before opening the thread!

What is most sickening about this is Behrami's probable destination. Remember we bought him from Lazio and where does Villain want to go now, only Roma! Now rivalries do not come more intense than the rivalry between Lazio and Roma - it is on a par with our loathing of Millwall. For Roma fans, it is like walking in and finding your wife lap dancing for your sworn enemy. Well worse actually. How much are you prepared to pay anonymous?

The other sickening thing is that Behrami's stock is low now, clubs have seen through those panties and know his tackle aint all that! This time last year he was being linked with Unreal City with figures in the region of £17 million being floated; now we would be lucky to get £7m spread over three years.

Behrami is blaming his wife of course. But then, the image of her lap dancing is a darn sight more attractive than that image of Behrami bending foward and wiggling his backside at the Roma directors. Personally, I think Sullivan should take him unawares. Then he would writhe in agony with good reason for once!

Gold admits to being terified of the fans

The bloody nerve of it. There was David Gold, quietly going about his business in his Rolls Royce after the Villa game, when, without any provocation, apart from some light hearted banter, he came under attack from fans in Claret and Blue colours. A rock was thrown at the window of his Roller and the door of the car was kicked. Fortunately, the door was locked and David escaped with his life and wallet intact!

Now Goldfinger is assuming that his assailants were Villa fans but, if I was Plod, after that performance on Saturday, I would be exploring the possibility that it was Hammers fans trying to get their hands on our co-chairman!

Perhaps this is a little taster for the Davids. Maybe even now Goldfinger is saying to Sullimanga, "God help you David if we now sell Parker. I've seen the mob, I now know what they are capable of. David it was awful. These football fans are animals, absolute animals! Perhaps we should have stuck to porn. Talking of which, I hear a finger of fudge is just enough to give your kids a treat."

West Ham Bid For Rocky Santa Cruise

Well has Christmas come early for West Ham fans, with the present of a new star striker, or are Sullivan & Gold about to make the same mistake of previous owners by buying an injury prone, over the top player?

The Davids should have framed pictures of Stewart Robson, Dean Ashton, Freddie Ljungberg and Kieron Dyer on the walls of their offices to remind them of previous cocks up. Buy players with a history of injury problems and don't be surprised when you find yourself paying huge wages for a player to rest up in the treatment room.

Lots of clubs looked the other way when Blackburn bought Santa Cruz precisely because of his injury problems. True, he seemed to have put those problems behind him at Ewood Park but the damp of Manchester got into his joints, and he was out more than he was in at Unreal City.

He didn't look too clever or too interested when City came to Upton Park for the last game of last season and doesn't look to me to be the sort of player who will roll up his sleeves and fight if the going gets tough. More like somebody who will pull up lame and complain about rough house Stoke City tactics.

During the summer I proposed buying Eagles and Fletcher from Burnley and I suspect we missed a real trick when we allowed the Scot to move to Wolves. I would back him to play more games and score more goals than Santa Cruz and, of course, he is much younger.

This deal smacks of desperation to me. So desperate that I'd rather have Bellamy - who at half the price looks a much better stop gap measure. At least Bellamy would fight - often with his own team mates and the management it is true; Roque will probably go missing at Christmas to carry out his other job and remain on cruise control right through to May!

Bellamy Banned By Manchester City

It gets better and better! Bellyache has so upset Mancini that he has banned the Welsh bellend from the club. A six mile exclusion zone has been set up around the City of Manchester Stadium, with helicopter gunships patrolling round the clock in an effort to prevent Bellamy slipping through the cordon with his set of golf clubs.

A spokesman for the club said: "This is a code red situation. Bellamy is armed and highly dangerous. Members of the public are advised not to approach him under any circumstances."

Manchester residents, who may not know who Bellamy is, have been issued with a description of the Welsh felon. "Short, ugly, spitting teeth, wielding a golf club and yelling, "I hate Shearer, I hate Duxbury, I hate Mancini, I love 'Arry!"

The only hope of a peaceful resolution appears to be for Bellyache to be allowed to return to his hometown club of Cardiff. In anticipation, women attending nightclubs in the Welsh capital are to be issued with face guards and free courses in self defence.

Bellamy himself said, "Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!"

Sullivan Insists Parker Is Going Nowhere - Why?

The Parker business rumbles on. Following the thumping on Saturday, the boards and papers are full of the Sulliedone insisting that Parker is going nowhere. Or has he? Look a little closer and it is all a recycling of a story in the Daily Mail, and the original Daily Mail article sounds to me like a recycling of Sullivan's comments when Tottenham originally bid. Take out the word "still" and it is word for word perfect isn't it?

This is surely the ultimate non story. If the story is, Parker SIGNS new extended contract then fair enough. But it isn't. The story is that Sullivan EXPECTS Parker to sign a new contract "today", "Tuesday" or "sometime this week" depending on which article you read. But what does that tell us? Basher expects. But will Scotty deliver? Or is the Sulliedone trying to smoke Scott out? Is this an attempt to force his hand, to push him either into signing or declaring his hand: "I want to leave".

It is an odd time to be saying this! If you are Parker, would you be gnashing at the bit to sign a contract tying you to West Ham for five years after THAT performance at Villa? Remember, Villa are potential bidders themselves. Scotty knows he suits Claret and Blue and I know which side looked more likely to win honours on Saturday. It may be genuine but I don't get why the story keeps bubbling. If Parker is going nowhere, there's no news. Maybe, just maybe, Basher is protesting too much.

Will there be a headline soon, "Sullivan furious that Parker has rejected super contract offer"?

I tell you what, retaining him makes no football or business sense whatsoever if a bid over £10million is received. Scott Parker is not superman and cannot play at right back, left midfield, in goal or as a striker. Our needs were obvious on Saturday. Putting an all energy midfield player ahead of those needs is like a woman caught unexpectedly naked, hiding her modesty by wearing a hat!