Ninth from bottom here we come!

A little serious reflection. The lucky victory over Sunderland means we are stuck with Turds for the time being so what can we reasonably expect between now and the end of the season? Is mid table the best we can hope for? Or are we in a false position with the potential to either push on for a top six position or slide back into a relegation dog fight?

Let's deal with the relegation issue first. Spurs will not go down. Their position is obviously false and, no matter what you think of him, Jol is not Glenn Roeder. Spurs will come good, probably when we play them! In truth, when you take into account that they have played Arsenal, United and Liverpool already, their points tally is probably only 6 or 7 short of what it should be. Had those points been collected, they would be rubbing shoulders with ourselves. The defeat at Sunderland and the home reverse against Everton were their nightmare results.

Bolton are interesting and much will obviously hang on who they bring in to replace Mini Me. I predicted Little Sam's demise back in May but the directors have acted slightly quicker than I expected. Another month of Sammy playing at being manager would have condemned them; now there is time for his replacement to save them. The key will probably be the reaction of Nolan and Anelka to the new boss. If these two want away, Bolton will slip through the trap door. I'd have both at Upton Park! I'm a huge fan of Jewell and believe that if Bolton recruit him, they will stay up.

Derby aren't worth discussing. They will go down.

Fulham are poor too. Sanchez has built a Championship team and that is where they are probably heading. One Cap Chesky reckons he's made a good career move; perhaps that's because he knows he is not a Premiership defender! They should have been relegated last season; only Benitez kept them up by selecting his stiffs at the Cottage. Going down!

So that's two of the three sorted!

What about Sunderland? Well, despite the fact that we made them look like world beaters, they are a very poor team. Keane may be a brilliant motivator and a good tactician but he will have to have the powers of Moses to keep this lot out of the bottom six. I saw the team sheet before kick off and thought, there's nobody outside of the keeper who deserves a Premiership place. By the end, I felt differently about Kenwyne Jones but then Upson can make the average donkey look like a Derby winner. With Chopra, Richardson and Connolly in the squad, they must be live contenders for the drop, especially if Keane sees the writing on the wall and jumps ship in mid season. Let's see, if Spurs decided they couldn't wait for the Spaniard and off loaded Jol? Probably not.

What about Birmingham? Quite, what about Birmingham? How average are Birmingham? Another Championship team and led by a manager who has all the tactical nounce of McClanger. In an average Premiership, they would be my favourites for the third relegation spot unless they are bought out quickly. But even then, who in their right mind would join Birmingham? They are the Vauxhall Nova of the Premiership -no glamour whatsoever despite Sullivan and Karen Brady. And would I live within commuting distance of Birmingham if I was a millionaire footballer? No thanks! Mind you, we all know the name of one idiot who chose to leave West Ham to further his career as a player at Birmingham - step forward Turds!

How about Boro? Well, they are crap! How on earth have they ended up with such a poor team after all the money they have spent over the last few years? Downing will be off in January around about the time Mido gets his letter home from the local authority for being obese and Woodgate books a six month break in California to recuperate from his latest injury! No Yakubu, no Viduka, no hope. And Southgate as a manager; sorry, he just doesn't hack it. If Birmingham are bank rolled Boro will be in big trouble. Fourth from bottom will represent over achievement in my book.

But we still haven't considered Wigan! How poor are they? Our home draw against them will be seen as two points tossed away. Jewell kept them up. Just like Allardyce, the manager was bigger than the club. Hutchins is better than Mini Me but Wigan's trouble is that they will give him more time to fail comprehensively. They don't belong in the Premiership. It has been fun whilst it has lasted but it is surely time to say goodbye. My tip for second from bottom!

And we still haven't reached Reading! How bad is this Premiership? Best league in the world? What a joke! Just like ourselves, Reading have been found out in their second season. You can only charge around at a million miles per hour for so long! Unlike us, Reading will not be able to sign Tevez! The corners will probably keep them up unless Coppell talks himself into resignation. He is prone to depression. On Saturday he looked like he needed Prozak!

So, on that basis, we should be able to finish ninth from bottom without breaking too much sweat. This is a poor division! Outside of seven or eight clubs, there is no quality whatsoever.

So, what about looking upwards? Well there are some teams who will definitely finish above us of course: Arsenal, United, Chelsea, Liverpool and Newcastle (the Allardyce factor!). Is Sven good enough to keep City up there? Possibly. If so, what a mistake it was by the FA to let him go! However, if Elano were to be injured...Then there is Blackburn. Well full marks again to Sparky - he can spot a player and bring the best out of him once he's bought him. Spurs will be above us come the end of April. It hurts me to say it but we all know it's true! Everton? Average team, excellent manager. Head to head with ourselves, you'd have to fancy Moyes to out think Turds. Portsmouth? 'Arry 'as 'em buzzin! Providing he can stave off the Parkinsons, you'd have to fancy Pompey under the old twitcher to make it into Europe this year. But how good are they really? Man for man, no better than ourselves even with our injuries. Which leaves Villa! Well we desperately want Villa to fail because of Reo-Choker; oh the delight to see the pout as he was sent from the field against United! Who was O'Neill so angry with, the ref or the black Judas?

So, at the end of it all, we are playing in a mini league of Villa, Everton, Blackburn, City, Portsmouth and Spurs. Put those into a predicted finishing order and I would go: Portsmouth, Blackburn, Man City, Spurs, Villa, Everton, West Ham. So that's ninth from bottom then! Four places higher than last season! It won't get Turds Manager of the Season will it? The question is, will it get him the chop?

Selling off the family plastic

Am I worrying unnecessarily as Turds empties the plastic cutlery drawer but seems to have nothing to replace it with? Onecapchesky to Fulham, Reo-Choker to Villa, Christmas Carol to Rangers, Mears to Derby, Marlon Mahogony to Wigan and Yossi Circumcision to the Reds.

Sure, there's a certain joy at the thought of Softwood and Heskey forming a miss a barn door from five yards partnership at Wigan and of Liverpool knocking a ball down the line for an Israeli who's gone missing on the West Bank (or left flank if you prefer!) Obviously, the moment when Reo-Choker pouts at an angry O'Neil as he is hauled from the pitch will be something to treasure. But, assuming Tevez has gone, what have we got left?

The squad is now tissue thin. Will Upson ever rise from the treatment table? Has Ashton got two good ankles? Where is the midfield cover? Who will fill in for Bellamy when he goes down for a three month stretch? Does this look like a squad challenging for a Champions League place as we were promised or a team that will get a nose bleed if it climbs half a dozen places off the bottom of the table? Where are the goals going to come from, remembering that Ashton only has a handful of Premiership goals to his name anyway? Suddenly I'm pining for Bent or Defoe!

It could be worse of course - we could have "invested" ten million in Chopra and Richardson! How long before the wearysiders realise that Keane isn't Fergy in disguise?

Much Ado About Nothing

Perhaps the Henry transfer will be the spark that will ignite the transfer market. Apart from Parker and Barton and United's big three signings, has anybody actually moved clubs yet? So much speculation, so little action. Are we really in for Wright-Phillips? Who is going to play left back for us next season? Who will partner Ashton up front? Is Tevez coming, going or staying put? What about Nugent? When is Harewood going and to where exactly? Does anybody really want Reo-Choker? When is Bent's appointment for his circumcision?

Some of the money being talked is absurd. That fantastic tournament, the Inter Toto Cup has kicked off and the squads are almost all the same as on the last day of the season. Come on! Let's see the cheque books, it's all getting a bit boring!

Barton and Bowyer. Beavis and Buthead in Claret and Blue?

So, not content with having "it wasn't me guv, honest" Bowyer on the books, it seems we're now looking to team him up with Joey "I'm not a psycho, that's my brother you're thinking of" Barton. No wonder Reo-Coker wants out of the club. Would you feel comfortable with black skin in that dressing room? I just hope they frisk the players for meat cleavers before they go on to the training ground!

Still, it's an East End tradition isn't it? We've had the Krays and the Richardsons, so why not the Bowyer-Bartons? And it's not as if rucks involving the players are unheard of at the club. There was the Morley bashing the Bishop to his wife's sharp disapproval incident. And of course Hartson, thinking he was a Nazi Boyo, mistaking a little Jewish player's head for the ball. Academy of football? It's beginning to look more like the Long Good Friday! Does our Biscuit Baron know his jellied eels from his pie and mash I wonder?