Selling off the family plastic

Am I worrying unnecessarily as Turds empties the plastic cutlery drawer but seems to have nothing to replace it with? Onecapchesky to Fulham, Reo-Choker to Villa, Christmas Carol to Rangers, Mears to Derby, Marlon Mahogony to Wigan and Yossi Circumcision to the Reds.

Sure, there's a certain joy at the thought of Softwood and Heskey forming a miss a barn door from five yards partnership at Wigan and of Liverpool knocking a ball down the line for an Israeli who's gone missing on the West Bank (or left flank if you prefer!) Obviously, the moment when Reo-Choker pouts at an angry O'Neil as he is hauled from the pitch will be something to treasure. But, assuming Tevez has gone, what have we got left?

The squad is now tissue thin. Will Upson ever rise from the treatment table? Has Ashton got two good ankles? Where is the midfield cover? Who will fill in for Bellamy when he goes down for a three month stretch? Does this look like a squad challenging for a Champions League place as we were promised or a team that will get a nose bleed if it climbs half a dozen places off the bottom of the table? Where are the goals going to come from, remembering that Ashton only has a handful of Premiership goals to his name anyway? Suddenly I'm pining for Bent or Defoe!

It could be worse of course - we could have "invested" ten million in Chopra and Richardson! How long before the wearysiders realise that Keane isn't Fergy in disguise?

Much Ado About Nothing

Perhaps the Henry transfer will be the spark that will ignite the transfer market. Apart from Parker and Barton and United's big three signings, has anybody actually moved clubs yet? So much speculation, so little action. Are we really in for Wright-Phillips? Who is going to play left back for us next season? Who will partner Ashton up front? Is Tevez coming, going or staying put? What about Nugent? When is Harewood going and to where exactly? Does anybody really want Reo-Choker? When is Bent's appointment for his circumcision?

Some of the money being talked is absurd. That fantastic tournament, the Inter Toto Cup has kicked off and the squads are almost all the same as on the last day of the season. Come on! Let's see the cheque books, it's all getting a bit boring!

We're only making plans for Nigel

So Nigel Reo-Coker, you don't feel wanted at West Ham! How much have we been paying you each week? Were you ever dropped? Or played out of your favoured position? Were you stripped of the captaincy?

Well Nigel, you're right, you're not wanted! One goal all season? What sort of return is that from a central midfield player protected defensively first by Mullins and then by Noble? The truth is, NRC, you're a legend in your own mind and have been ever since Sven named you as a back up he never needed for the England World Cup Squad. So what Nigel? Sven took a 17 year old Arsenal reserve and very nearly took Harewood! Wake up, superstar you ain't and if any club is daft enough to offer 8 million, we should snatch their hand off!

Go to Villa or Newcastle and see what it's really like to play in an average team. Arsenal don't want you. Nor do Liverpool or Chelsea or United. Doesn't that tell you something Nigel? You're average mate and average is okay if your heart is in the club. Tevez can moan; Di Canio could moan; Nigel, you ain't got the ability to have the right to bleat.