Shearer's Newcastle Sinking In Perfect Storm

So another Newscastle Messiah is already up to his chin in toxic water after discovering that he can't walk on the Tyne after all. What a shame, it couldn't happen to a nicer, more self effacing guy than Alan Shearer! At least King Kev had a certain twatish charm about him. It was always obvious that the guy was a berk but at least he seemed to understand that himself. Shearer is a different kettle of fish entirely - he seems an arrogant son of a Bull Shark who looks after Number 9 at every turn.

Today summed it all up perfectly. Going to Liverpool, with zero prospect of winning anyway, King Al decided to leave Owen out of the team. Never mind sentimentality, Shearer was intent on showing that he was the big hard man who could make the big hard decisions. It's not aboot being nice, it's aboot being right. I haven't heard or read any interviews but I bet that's the jist of it. That and the usual, Michael is a professional and he understands and respects my decisions. Bollocks! I'll tell you what, that decision may just have sealed Newscastle's fate, not because of what happened at Anfield today but because Owen will not now care what happens to the Barcodes. He is off in the summer now, no question, and if Newscastle are to stay up, they need Owen scoring.

Meanwhile, Barton shoved another Big Alan decision squarely up his rectum when he got his marching orders. I well remember Shearer laying into Barton on MOTD, describing the guy as an insult to the game, so what is he doing picking the thug? Talk about hypocrisy! Well Barton duely delivered Shearer his just deserts and will now, presumably, be suspended from at least one of those "must win" home games! Brilliant!

Newscastle may yet stay up but only because Hull are so hopeless. My fingers are crossed, however, that a trawler out of the fishing port will land a major catch in its nets at the end of the season - dragging a washed out Shearer and and a washed up Dowie out of the North Sea after the Perfect Newscastle Storm!

And to think, West Ham were supposed to be the club in crisis!

Newcastle Fans, How Selfish Is Shearer?

Did you hear that incredible quotation? "A friend asked if I didn't take the job and Newcastle survived, wouldn't I regret it? And the answer was yes." A slip of the tongue or a short circuit into the guy's subconscious? Why is he back exactly? To save the club or to perpetuate the myth that, like Keegan, King Al can walk on water?

It is high time the Geordies checked out the story of King Canute. The tide will come in no matter who orders it not to. Shearer, as ever, is looking after number nine, looking for personal glory and adulation. If he had really had the interests of the club at heart, he would have stepped in as soon as Keegan left, or when Kinnear was rushed into hospital. Trouble is, he could then have been judged and might have been deemed a failure. Now, if the Loony Toons go down, everyone will say, "What chance did he stand, there were only 8 games left when he took over and the transfer window was closed."

Ginola was on the radio this morning and talking about how boring Shearer was as a person. He termed him a "winner on the pitch" but suggested that he was uninspiring in the dressing room. Well he can't bang in the goals from the dug out so it is his ability to motivate in that dressing room that will now count. He sends me to sleep as soon as he starts droning on MOTD so I can't see how he is going to get anybody fired up personally. He reminds me of Curbishley - boring, boring, boring. Tell me, how often does the return of an ex player as manager signal success? Not often! But why does that matter, if it doesn't work, it won't be Alan's fault will it?

It is Heads Al wins, Tails Al wins. And Newscastle? The castle doesn't count, it is only the King that matters!

Shearer Nonsense! Wake Me Up When You Go Go!

Can you Adam and Eve it? King Kev is dead, long live King Al! How many times has Shearer turned down the job at Newscastle? Now with zero personal accountability because he can't buy and can't sell and so has a ready made excuse for failure, he walks back into Newscastle on a "Heads I win, Tails I win" basis. Newscastle avoid the drop and it will all be down to Shearer; Newscastle go down, well what chance did the lad stand with only eight games to save them?

Remember how Curbishley claimed the credit for saving us on the back of the Great Escape? The truth of the matter is, of course, that his appalling management took us to the brink and beyond, only for a miraculous series of beneficial coincidences, triggered by the goal that never was at Blackburn, to save us. If Newscastle do go down, Shearer will have played just as big a negative part as Curbishley because he has behaved in an incredibly selfish way all season, flirting with the job and, in the process, undermining the incumbents. Now he returns like the Messiah, walking on the Tyne, safe in the knowledge that he can only take the plaudits, not the brickbats.

I do hope he falls flat on his face. He has bored us senseless on Match of The Day so I struggle to see how he can be inspirational in the dressing room. What's that noise drowning out your team talk Alan? Snoring?

Or is this all an April Fool? Hang on, I laughed at Old Skool and I've just put my head into the noose! You couldn't write it!

No Villa for Reo-Choker

What's this? Villa aren't so keen on Reo-Choker now? So, Nigel, that's Arsenal, Manchester United, Liverpool, Chelsea, Spurs, Newcastle and Villa who have thought, then thought better of signing you. Wonder why that is? Perhaps it's the pouty face? Never mind mate, Sunderland or Birmingham might yet express an interest! Alternatively, you might just face up (hard with that pouty droop) to a few home truths: starting with, you're bloody lucky to be at West Ham!

Now shut up and put up! Give us eight goals from midfield next season and who knows, a mid table team might express an interest!

Shearer on the piss

Quotation from Big Al:

Shearer added: "I was having a few days away in France with my former Newcastle team-mates Gary Speed and Steve Harper and the wives and I picked up the newspaper. I was having a fantastic day. But when I read Bellamy for Newcastle I thought I would definitely have to have another drink. I had several. "

Sounds to me as if Alan is planning to swap his stripes. Is he in training to become Red Stripe Robbo's assistant at Sheffield United I wonder?

Threesomes, strange bedfellows, dogs and the pricking of thumbs

More quotes from the bard for football clubs:

For Newcastle after pairing Barton with Dyer under the subtle leadership of Big Sam: "Cry "Havoc," and let slip the dogs of war."

For Portsmouth: "Cry God for 'Arry, England and St George!" (As in George Graham, the patron saint of bungs?)

For Newcastle: "Dear Duff"! (Banquo in Macbeth)

For Arsenal as Arsene shows increasing signs of having lost his marbles hall: "Who can be wise, amazed, temp'rate, and furious, Loyal and neutral in a moment? No man." (And specifically after Wenger's waving of his handbag at Pards) "Th'expedition of my violent love outran the pauser, reason. Here lay Flamini, his silver skin laced with his golden blood and his gashed shin looked like a breach in nature, for ruin's wasteful entrance. There the murderers, steeped in the claret and blue colours of their trade; their boots unmannerly breeched with gore. Who could refrain?" (Macbeth)

For Liverpool, as their fans storm another Champions League final: "Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more, Or close the wall up with our English dead!"

For West Ham as we await the arbitration decision: "Pray you now, forget and forgive".

For Newcastle as they await the arrival of Barton: "By the pricking of my thumbs, Something wicked this way comes." (or for whichever club signs Bellamy!!!!!)

For Sheffield United following their relegation: "Out, damned stripes! Out, I say!" or "When beggars die there are no comets seen".

For West Ham in celebration of threesomes (shared ownership or third party involvement to you and me!): "What's mine is yours, and what is yours is mine."

Another for the Hammers: "Frailty, thy name is Ashton!" or for Newcastle, ""Frailty, thy name is Owen!" or for Spurs, "Frailty, thy name is pressure!"

For Liverpool if they sign Owen again and partner him with Crouch: "This is the short and the long of it" or from Owen's point of view, "Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows".

For Portsmouth in the light of 'Arry's club 'surprisingly' being "somewhat mentioned" in the bung enquiry: "Something is rotten in the state of Football."

For Man City after the sacking of Pearce: "Not that I lov'd England less, but that I lov'd City more". (Julius Caesar)

For Fulham after the sacking of Coleman: "So wise so young, they say do never live long" or "Et tu, Al Fayed" or what Fulham fans will cry to their chairman under "Long ball Sanchez": "I am dying, Egypt, dying"! (Or is this just an anthology of Diana's last words?)

We're only making plans for Nigel

So Nigel Reo-Coker, you don't feel wanted at West Ham! How much have we been paying you each week? Were you ever dropped? Or played out of your favoured position? Were you stripped of the captaincy?

Well Nigel, you're right, you're not wanted! One goal all season? What sort of return is that from a central midfield player protected defensively first by Mullins and then by Noble? The truth is, NRC, you're a legend in your own mind and have been ever since Sven named you as a back up he never needed for the England World Cup Squad. So what Nigel? Sven took a 17 year old Arsenal reserve and very nearly took Harewood! Wake up, superstar you ain't and if any club is daft enough to offer 8 million, we should snatch their hand off!

Go to Villa or Newcastle and see what it's really like to play in an average team. Arsenal don't want you. Nor do Liverpool or Chelsea or United. Doesn't that tell you something Nigel? You're average mate and average is okay if your heart is in the club. Tevez can moan; Di Canio could moan; Nigel, you ain't got the ability to have the right to bleat.