Your Honour, I Rest My Case

We should have fought it, we should have seen the Red Stripes in Court. Defending the legal action brought by the Blunted Blades would have been one of the easiest jobs in the world. Tevez and West Ham responsible for their relegation, who are they kidding?

Your Honour, I give you exhibit A - Neil Warnock. Enough said?

For exhibit B I offer you the Sheffield United team sheet. Is that really a team worthy of a place in the Premiership?

Exhibit C - Look at their performances in the Championship!

Exhibit D - They appointed Red Stripe Robbo as manager after Warlock departed. Clearly, your Honour, the club have a death wish!

I rest my case.

A Can of Worms

Have we just opened the biggest can of worms in the history of football by agreeing an out of court settlement with Shafting United? Yes, their claim has been put to bed but, by admitting wrong doing and culpability, have we simply declared open season for the World and his wife to claim compensation at our expense?

Warnock has already gobbed off, but there's no surprise there. Apparently, single handedly, he built the mighty empire that was Sheffield United and, single handedly, Tevez razed it to the ground. Had it not been for Tevez, Warnock, it seems, would now be managing Real Madrid and England simultaneously instead of trying to squeeze Palace into the Fizzy Pop playoffs. The greatest self publicist since Brain Clough has been robbed of the mantle of Best Manager Since Old Big Head and must be due what, £30million in compensation?

But if Warnock is due a pay day, what about the players? How cruel was their fate to be relegated from the Premiership despite amassing a mighty 38 points over a whole season? These footballing gods battled their way to 10 victories over a 38 game season and scored a breathtaking 32 goals, almost one a game, a whole eight of which were netted away from home! Never has the Premiership seen their compare! How mighty were the fallen? How great and unjust was their wrong? Those poor wronged souls, condemned to a career outside the Premiership for clearly a transfer based on their Premiership pedigree was always out of the question! Surely a payment of £30million is the very least that each can expect in the circumstances.

But why stop at the players? What about the fans? Imagine the emotional trauma endured as a result of the club's utterly unmerited relegation. For two years now, Blades fans have been denied the opportunity to see their players kicking Premiership players up into the air. Surely every man, woman and child in the red and white stripes side of Sheffield deserves a minimum payment of, let's say, £100,000?

And why stop at the fans? What about all those dogs kicked by their angry owners in the days following the club's Premiership demise? Dogs have rights too and as West ham could soon find to their cost, every dog has his day! Ten grand and a packet of Winalot to every pooch must be a fair and equitable settlement surely.

And so it goes on. Don't Charlton have a claim? Who knows, had they stayed ahead of us in the table, they might have found the reserves to battle their way to safety. And Fulham and Wigan could have finished a place higher too. Blackburn would have pipped Bolton into Europe had they not lost to us but then again Bolton would have finished above Everton had they not been slain by Tevez at Upton Park but then again Everton would have finished above Tottenham had they not suffered the same cruel fate. And what about Arsenal? They would have finished above Liverpool had Tevez, cleverly disguised as Robert Green, not kept out fifteen million shots on our goal at the Emirates. And then there's all those managers, and all those players and all those fans and all those dogs. Just think, if it wasn't for Tevez, Mini Me Sammy Lee would still be the manager of Bolton Wanderers!

We have only seen the tip of the iceberg my friends. Before you know it, Gordon Brown will be blaming Tevez for the collapse of the world banking system. A final settlement in the Tevez affair? This may just be the beginning!

McCabe on his knees!

Sheffield United chairman Kevin McCabe quoted as saying:"It's down to the panel to make their award which should be September. The formal arbitration hearing was concluded last month but there'll be one more day at the end of July for further oral submissions." Now I know the guy is desperate but a whole day of blow jobs is surely going too far to try to convince the panel!

You're a Mug Son!

Gary Megson? Gary Megson? Are the Bolton board mad? I know England did well in the Rugby World Cup by playing ugly but who in their right mind would entrust a Premiership team to Megson? Good God, I thought the Blunted Blades were mad to appoint Red Stripe Robbo (and so it is proving!) but Gary Megson? Have the Bolton board wagered millions on their own relegation? Imagine Megson and Anelka discussing tactics! If I was Turds, I'd be offering to take Anelka on loan to save Bolton the air fares of trying to hunt him down when he does a runner back to the south of France!

I'm changing my prediction! Bolton are going down!

Mine's a Carling!

Anybody puzzled by the Blunted Blades' mid week triumph and weekend defeat only needs to look at the names of the respective competitions. Now let's face it, Red Stripe Robbo isn't going to get excited about the Coca Cola Championship is he? (Where's the Bacardi?) But the Carling Cup - now you're talking!!!!

Carlsberg

Carlsberg don't do pub teams but if they did they'd probably call the team Sheffield United!

Watch the advert on the TV. Who is that sitting AT the bar? You've guessed it, Red Stripe Robbo!

Sweating Turds

Hmmm, up beat didn't last long. Weak draw at home to Wigan, broken leg for Dyer (surprise surprise!) and inept second half performance against the mighty Bristol Rovers. Adriano won't join us - the dinners aren't big enough I'd guess looking at his bulk - Anelka has signed a new contract at Bolton (so he will move in January then!) and I'm worried that we still don't have a left back, a viable alternative up front (how bad was Zamora at Rovers!!!!) and we are still thin creatively in midfield. Turds must still be sweating as he looks up at Gollum's gloomy face in the stands!

More trouble at the Blunted Blades with the finess coach quitting - any truth in the rumour that he didn't agree with Red Stripe's liquid diets?

Open and Shut Case

Defending the legal action brought by the Blunted Blades must be one of the easiest jobs in the world. West Ham responsible for their relegation, who are they kidding?

Your Honour, I give you exhibit A - Neil Warnock. Enough said?

For exhibit B I offer you the Sheffield United team sheet. Is that really a team worthy of a place in the Premiership?

Exhibit C - Look at the table after two games in the Championship!

Exhibit D - They appointed Red Stripe Robbo as manager. Clearly, your Honour, the club have a death wish!

I rest my case.

Cluedo

Any truth in the rumour that they are inventing a new Cluedo game, "Who relegated Sheffield United?" Was it Chairman Brown in the Boleyn Ground with the dodgy signing? Or Professor Benitez in the Cottage with the dodgy selection? Or most likely, Colonel Warnock in the Premiership with the shit team!

When the battle's lost and won!

Now let's get this right. The arbitration panel had sympathy for Sheffield United and agreed that they would have deducted points from West Ham had they been conducting the hearing; but nevertheless reached the conclusion that an incorrect decision should stand. That's just about the gist of it isn't it?

So, in the words of Macbeth, "Fair is foul and foul is fair"; or "when the battle's lost and won"! Talk about equivocation! I'm a Hammers fan and I'm beginning to feel sympathy for the blunted Blades. Thank God Warnock's gone or we would never have heard the end of it! As for Red Stripe Robbo, he probably doesn't even realise there was a hearing! One for the road Red Stripe? Sorry, make that one for the river!

Never mind Sheffield, it never rains but it pours eh?

(Cue Macbeth - When shall we three meet again? In thunder, lightening and in rain. Where the place? The Championship. There to meet with...Colchester!)

Shearer on the piss

Quotation from Big Al:

Shearer added: "I was having a few days away in France with my former Newcastle team-mates Gary Speed and Steve Harper and the wives and I picked up the newspaper. I was having a fantastic day. But when I read Bellamy for Newcastle I thought I would definitely have to have another drink. I had several. "

Sounds to me as if Alan is planning to swap his stripes. Is he in training to become Red Stripe Robbo's assistant at Sheffield United I wonder?

All animals are equal but some are more equal than others!

A friend in need...It's interesting isn't it, the way the Gang of Four has shrunk to the Gang of One? The Wigan chairman made the right noises about supporting Sheffield United's appeal but seems to have gone quiet lately and where are Charlton and Fulham when the Blades most need them? Charlton were happy to do business with us - "Liars and cheats? Never mind, show me the money!" - and Fulham seem to have their minds on another enquiry - like who was behind the murder of Diana and Dodi!

Of course, Charlton's attitude is entirely pragmatic. If they hope for an immediate return to the Premiership, the last thing they want is West Ham relegated with them. Who would you back to win the most matches in the Championship, West Ham or Red Stripe Robbo's Stella outfit? Al Fayed, meanwhile, knows that words are cheap - unless you need a Tory MP to give voice to them in the House of Commons! And I'm sure he has half an eye on business as well. The Bentley Babes are surely more likely to shop in 'Arrods than Red Stripe's Down and Outs.

Snouts in the trough! If Wedgewood Benn was dead, he'd be turning in his grave; for the time being, he's just twitching in his multi million pound mansion!

Threesomes, strange bedfellows, dogs and the pricking of thumbs

More quotes from the bard for football clubs:

For Newcastle after pairing Barton with Dyer under the subtle leadership of Big Sam: "Cry "Havoc," and let slip the dogs of war."

For Portsmouth: "Cry God for 'Arry, England and St George!" (As in George Graham, the patron saint of bungs?)

For Newcastle: "Dear Duff"! (Banquo in Macbeth)

For Arsenal as Arsene shows increasing signs of having lost his marbles hall: "Who can be wise, amazed, temp'rate, and furious, Loyal and neutral in a moment? No man." (And specifically after Wenger's waving of his handbag at Pards) "Th'expedition of my violent love outran the pauser, reason. Here lay Flamini, his silver skin laced with his golden blood and his gashed shin looked like a breach in nature, for ruin's wasteful entrance. There the murderers, steeped in the claret and blue colours of their trade; their boots unmannerly breeched with gore. Who could refrain?" (Macbeth)

For Liverpool, as their fans storm another Champions League final: "Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more, Or close the wall up with our English dead!"

For West Ham as we await the arbitration decision: "Pray you now, forget and forgive".

For Newcastle as they await the arrival of Barton: "By the pricking of my thumbs, Something wicked this way comes." (or for whichever club signs Bellamy!!!!!)

For Sheffield United following their relegation: "Out, damned stripes! Out, I say!" or "When beggars die there are no comets seen".

For West Ham in celebration of threesomes (shared ownership or third party involvement to you and me!): "What's mine is yours, and what is yours is mine."

Another for the Hammers: "Frailty, thy name is Ashton!" or for Newcastle, ""Frailty, thy name is Owen!" or for Spurs, "Frailty, thy name is pressure!"

For Liverpool if they sign Owen again and partner him with Crouch: "This is the short and the long of it" or from Owen's point of view, "Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows".

For Portsmouth in the light of 'Arry's club 'surprisingly' being "somewhat mentioned" in the bung enquiry: "Something is rotten in the state of Football."

For Man City after the sacking of Pearce: "Not that I lov'd England less, but that I lov'd City more". (Julius Caesar)

For Fulham after the sacking of Coleman: "So wise so young, they say do never live long" or "Et tu, Al Fayed" or what Fulham fans will cry to their chairman under "Long ball Sanchez": "I am dying, Egypt, dying"! (Or is this just an anthology of Diana's last words?)

Red Stripe Robbo Stumbles at the First Bar

So, with the taste of sour grapes in their mouths, the Sheffield United Board went in search of somebody who knows his Chardonnay from his Claret (and blue?), his aperitifs from his chasers and his Fosters from his Stella. Stumble onto stage Red Stripe Robbo, whose first pronouncement as manager was that he intends to get Sheffield United back in the Premiership at the first time of asking. Glad to see, even after a celebratory drink, that the new manager has a better grasp of reality than his Chairman who seems to think the club are still in the Premiership anyway!


Last week Robbo graced 606 with his keen intellect. Asked in a 'just for fun' competition to name the goalscorer in an England game he played in, Robbo was given a clue that included the word "bully" and was played a piece of commentary that gave him the name of the opponents - Czechoslovakia - and the name of the goal's architect, a certain Paul Gascoigne. Robbo, bless him, said, "It can't be Gazza, it was too early to be Gazza" (even though Gascoigne's name had featured three times in the short snippet) and failed utterly to link the "bully" clue to Steve Bull. Never mind, he did spot that the opponents were Czechoslovakia and very nearly managed to pronounce the nation correctly!

How on earth was he given the job? Some believe it was a put up job by the License Victualers Association of Sheffield. I am sure that is untrue. Perhaps the Sheffield United Board noted that Robson has a good track record in the Championship and decided to go with "horses for courses" so giving the lie to their protests that they are still a Premiership club. Let's face it, what Premiership club would be mad enough to appoint a man who has guided Middlesborough and West Brom to relegation?


The Board have appointed the wrong man and they are also blaming the wrong club for their relegation. I thought that Premiership rules required clubs to name their strongest available teams in fixtures affecting promotion and relegation issues. If so, shouldn't Liverpool be in the dock for fielding their stiffs against Fulham? Had Liverpool taken that fixture seriously then the Blades would indeed have survived to die another day in the top division.

Never mind all you Blades fans, the Board have at least appointed a man well versed in the skill of "drowning his sorrows". I'm sure he will keep his players' spirits high, that every glass next season will be half full rather than half empty and that even if the players are cheap, the drinks will be reassuringly expensive. A new slogan for Sheffield United under Robbo? Probably not the best team in the world.