Brilliant Allardyce is so misunderstood

He is't a long ball merchant at all. He doesn't advocate a bludgeoning style of football based on percentages and fitness levels. No, Doctor Evil is flexible and a fan of the beautiful game, providing that your definition of beauty is winning of course.

Talking at the Telegraph, Sam explains that it was a charitable act to take on the job at West Ham. He was too big for the club really, and his wife told him he was "crazy" to take on the job.

Laughably, Allardyce claims that we are "playing high quality football". High quality? He must have been watching Tarantino films and swallowed the idea that there is such a thing as "high quality shit"! Apparently our football is "completely different" from the football played by Bolton, it's just that none of us have noticed!

The guy certainly loves to blow his own trumpet, claiming, "The diversity and adaptability I bring to the football club is not rigid, like many, many other managers." And he's right! In the Doctor Evil book of tactics there is the long long ball, the long ball, the slightly shorter long ball, the nearly long ball and the hoof and hope ball. Some other managers don't understand football science like Allardyce and just employ the long ball plain and simple. What Neanderthal fools!

What brings "success" is all that matters. And according to Sam, "wherever I have been there has never been a failure". Newcastle fans might take issue with that, of course, and some hair splitting souls might unkindly point to the fact that he hasn't yet won a major trophy as a manager, with the closest he has ever come to glory in nearly 20 years of management being Bolton's defeat in a League Cup final.

But who needs trophies? Who needs glory? Success is survival, pure and simple. That's entertainment in the Doctor Evil Book of Success! How foolish of me to hope for style, or rather for me to think that what Sam was serving up was anything other than stylish! Still Sam has now put me right on that so I can look forward to watching high quality long ball football with all of Allardyce's subtle variations on the theme.