Allardyce Laments Loss of Arab Investor

Doctor Evil was speechless this morning as he stroked his white cat and lamented the loss of a potential Arab investor whose billions would have taken West Ham "to the next level". Talking ahead of the journey down to the South Coast for the head to head battle with play off contenders Brighton and Hove Albion, a close confidant of Allardyce explained that the deal had been "so so close", only for it all to go down the drain at the last moment.

"Mr Allardyce had a vision of bringing together a confederation of like minded people at Upton Park", explained Lee Vitout. "He scoured the world looking for suitable investors and hit upon the idea of providing a safe haven for Muammar Gaddafi's money. The deal was all but done, only for Gaddafi to be found in that storm drain and executed. Mr Allardyce was shattered by the sad news, as were the owners, Mr Sullivan and Mr Gold, and their little Princess, Lady Brady."

He continued, "When pulled from the drain Mr Gaddafi pleaded to be allowed to live so he could turn West Ham United into a Champions League team and sadly, this cost him his life. We have it on very good authority that the man who executed him is a Tottenham fan and a Mossad agent. So once again, our hated rivals have come between West Ham United and glory."

There was, however, one piece of good news. Mr Vitout explained, "They found El Hadji Diouf in the same storm drain as Gaddafi and agreed to allow him to come to West Ham in lieu of Gaddafi's billions. So at least we have one more plank in place for Mr Allardyce's vision of the Claret and Blue axis of evil."

The owners are now apparently hoping for a coup in North Korea because they understand that Kim Jong-Il has expressed an interest in buying a London club if ever deposed and is attracted by the Olympic Stadium because of the potential it offers for parking tanks on the running track.