Finding Mido

The Game may well be quiet for the next week as I go in search of Mido. After very careful analysis, it has dawned on me that our relegation had nothing to do with Zola, Avram or the Dildo Boys. The truth of the matter is that Mido brought with him the curse of Tutankhamun and our only hope of reversing our fortunes is to bring the overweight Egyptian back to Upton Park for a ritual sacrifice.

And so it is that I am risking life and limb, cruising the Nile for seven nights and eight days, desperately seeking Mido. If I can access the internet, I will update on my progress and the fortunes of West Ham Wanderers but otherwise, all the best until my return!

Parker to Man City

Surely it's too good to be true? £8m wouldn't represent a problem to Unreal City, in fact they would probably double it if they felt they really needed him - and nor would Parker's wages. The proposed part exchange deal wasn't ever going to work because of the salaries of the players involved but if Bellamy were to be offered on loan as part of the equation, that would be a different matter, especially if we could persuade the more money than sense City to pay his wages whilst he was on loan to us.

Mouloungui Prefers Nice to Newham! Cheek!

Well the bloody nerve of it! Doctor Evil target Mouloungui has announced that he would rather stay in Nice than move to West Ham. What's wrong with the guy? What has Nice got that Newham lacks?

OK Newham hasn't got the Med, but Wanstead Flats is just up the road. True Nice is known as Nice La Belle but Cockneys are born within the sound of Bow Bells. OK the Nice summer lasts for six months but the sun comes out sometimes in East London. True the temperature is above 20 degrees in November in Nice but you can always wear gloves when playing at Upton Park. Then there's the French women and the French food and the French wine but you can live without all that and there's always Faces!

The guy must be off his rocker. Let's face it, if he came to Upton Park he could go out on the town with Julian Faubert and tip rubbish in the Essex countryside with Freddie Piquionne! With action like that, why would you want to live in the South of France?

Referees Biased Against West Ham - Official Confirmation!

Well we have all had our doubts about Clattenbung and co but now we have the statistical proof that bad refereeing decisions cost us more points than any other club last season! Tim Long has analysed 713 "significant" officiating decisions in the 2010-11 season and West Ham were robbed of 7 points - more than any other club. And that, presumably, does not include the failure to send off Vidic at Upton Park!

The final points total of 40 would still have seen us relegated if all other adjustments were made, but this takes no account of psychology. Imagine, for example, if we had held on to the three points from the game against the Mancs at Upton Park; would we have gone down? I doubt it!

The evidence suggests that the most important quality for a manager is that he is lucky. Blackpool and Birmingham were both wrongly relegated according to this research - the clubs who should have gone down with us were Wigan and Wolves. The sickening thing, of course, is that the introduction of "referrals" as in cricket could put an end to all this. Give each manager three referrals in a game where a fourth official is able to confirm or reverse a decision and it is job done. How easy is that? Too complicated for FIFA apparently!

A New Golden Generation!

One of the exciting things about the teams being evolved at Man Utd and Liverpool is that they include Englishmen. Suddenly the future of the national team is looking surprisingly exciting.

Any competent manager would now start building a team to challenge for the World Cup in 3 years time. Write off the European Championship, lets qualify and give the kids tournament experience without any pressure of expectation. Of course, that aint going to happen with Capello at the helm but I would wave him goodbye as soon as qualification is achieved and turn to Venables for the tournament. No pressure, just pick the kids, imbue them with confidence and see how far they take us!

How about this as a team to take us forward?

Hart (Man City)

Johnson (Liverpool) Jones (Man Utd) Smalling (Man Utd) Cole (Chelsea)

Walcott (Arsenal) Wilshere (Arsenal)  Henderson (Liverpool) Young (Man Utd)

Carroll (Liverpool) Rooney (Man Utd)

On the bench: Tomkins (West Ham), Cleverley (Man Utd), Albrighton (Villa), Welbeck (Man Utd), Rodwell (Everton), Clark (Villa), Agbonlahor (Villa), Richards (Man City), Kelly (Liverpool), McEachran (Chelsea), Harper (Newcastle), Ruddy (Norwich)

Kick the old failures into touch and build for the future!

The Ferguson Babes!

We hear a lot about the Busby Babes and, of course, we all remember the Hansen "You win nothing with kids" gaff (which has become "You win nothing with Liverpool" since!), but people should start noting just how young this current Man Utd team is. The side that took to the field and hammered Tottenham included De Gea, Jones, Evans, Smalling, Cleverley and Welbeck. Hernandez, who looks like he should still be at school, came on as a sub and Fabio was also on the bench.

The likes of Rooney, Evra and Nani are old men in this team in their mid twenties, whilst Anderson is still only 23. No wonder Giggs was playing away, he was probably just trying to show the kids that he could still get it up!

There was plenty of experience available on the bench, of course, and Ferdinand and Vidic will walk back into the team when fit, but Ferguson is building a side that could play together for the next 7 years - by which time he could well be dead. Wenger take note, you can have the best of both worlds, a young team that wins!

Well Done England! Best in the world!

What a performance. People will say India played badly and were unlucky with injuries but England have blown them away in this series. The winning margins have been nothing short of incredible and suggest that this England team really are out of the top drawer. I have seen two great cricket machines in my lifetime - that terrifying West Indies side and the blistering Australian team - and England have to keep this up for at least 5 years to even be mentioned in the same breath as those sides, but they are as good as any other side I have seen - including the South Africans in their pomp.

It was fabulous to see Swann come to the fore today. He has played second fiddle as a bowler all series because the quicks have been so awesome, but he showed today why he is the number one spin bowler in the world. These Indians see off spin as meat and drink, but Swann was too good for them. And Broad backed him up superbly when that second new ball was taken. And what a ball from Bresnan to dismiss Tendulkar; oh the irony of the Indian master being out lbw 9 runs short of that hundredth international hundred with no review available! But it was out anyway and would have been out earlier with the review system in place for lbw! Would he have been given out to that ball in India 9 runs shy of that landmark? Not in a million years! That would be like Clattenbung giving a penalty against Man Utd at Old Trafford!

262 for 3 to 283 all out! Incredible! The Windies attack did that sort of thing. McGrath and Warne did it too. And remember, these Indians have pretty decent test match records with the bat!  And it's not just the bowlers! Cook, Bell, Pietersen, Trott, Prior, they would walk into any test side in the world and will all be ranked with the greats of English cricket!

I was too young to understand in 66 when we won the World Cup and rugby leaves me cold. This is the first GREAT English sporting team I have known and I am loving it!

Are striker links the usual load of Baldock?

The latest player we have been linked with is MK Dons striker Sam Baldock, although he claims to be in the dark about our interest. I must admit that, like Manuel, "I know nothing" about Baldock other than what can be gleaned from the net. He is 22, he has a goal per game ratio of one in three - which isn't great given he plays in the lower divisions - and he is short at 5'7.

Is he the new Keegan? Who knows? Is there any substance to this rumour? Who knows? Is he any better than Hines who left on a free? Who knows? This may be the usual load of Baldock or maybe we will be talking about Big Sam and Little Sam anytime soon.

Can any Dons fans fill us in on how good this boy is?

Olympic Stadium as good as ours - How appropriate!

What was the old Olympic mantra and spirit? "It's not the winning but the taking part that counts". How appropriate therefore, that the OS will be our home stadium. Win, at home? Why would we want to do that? We took part, well for 45 minutes anyway!

Mind you, as the BBC site tells us,

"It's a phrase echoed by the founder of the Olympics, Baron Pierre de Coubertin, who said "The most important thing in the Olympic Games is not winning but taking part; the essential thing in life is not conquering but fighting well."

And there is the rub! To expect West Ham to "conquer" is like expecting the woman you marry to lose weight after she has smuggled the gold ring onto her finger, but we have a right at least to a team that is "fighting well".  But this team hasn't fought for over 2 years. Fans blamed Zola, Grant and Upson but surely the one thing we would expect from an Allardyce team is blood and thunder?

I know it is only 4 games into the season and the level headed are saying it is too soon to panic but even Doctor Evil is talking about the "fear factor" at Upton Park. This team is psychologically scarred and is terrified of its own shadow. Allardyce has talked about the need to keep the ball, but you don't keep it by lumping it long and nor do you keep it by letting Parker have it. His ball retention is awful. I would love to see stats for his pass completion in the two home games so far!

The optimists will keep the faith - and good on them. But I am seriously worried. The performance against Leeds was utterly shambolic at times and we look no closer to finding a team shape that works than we did under Zola or Grant. I tell you what, the Claret and Blue Army revere Parker but we stopped playing when Di Michele left. Perhaps he was more important than any of us realised. We saw the poor goal return, we saw the tying of the laces, and what we overlooked was the way he linked the play from back to front. That hole that Di Michele sat in has been empty ever since. Nolan was meant to be the man to fill it but he has looked at mobile as Tristan and as fired up as a spent banger on November the sixth.

Is it fear or is it torpor or is it mental exhaustion? There's something very very very wrong!

Behind Peterborough in the table!

That just about says it all! This team really is a pile of shit. They still seem to think that once you are a goal ahead it is job done and that you only have to play for 45 minutes in any game. And whilst it is too early to condemn Doctor Evil, his tactics have been crap so far.

The team needs width - so that means Faubert or Barrera or both. The team needs a left back. Bloody Spector was better than Ilunga. The team needs to find a way of incorporating Nolan - he has looked a shadow of himself so far. The team needs a goalscorer. The team needs to be set up as a 4-4-2 at home.

And somehow, we have to take the tension out of our play at Upton Park. Once upon a time the Boleyn was a fortress, now it is a bloody torture chamber. There is blood on the walls, blood on the pitch and terror in the hearts of the fans and players alike. Where do we go from here? Until there are new recruits, my side would read:

Green

O'Brien, Tomkins, Reid, Taylor

Parker

Faubert, Nolan, Barrera

Stanislas, Carew (or Cole)

West Ham 2 Leeds 2 - Will somebody please put IIunga out of our misery?

They shoot old horses don't they? So why not crap donkeys who play at left back? Ilunga cost us 2 points against Cardiff and he cost us 2 points today. Two home games and 4 points surrendered because Ilunga can't close, can't tackle and can't be arsed. It's three goals conceded at Upton Park and all three goals have come from our left with Ilunga losing possession, Ilunga being turned and Ilunga jogging . If Doctor Evil starts him next game, nobody will convince me this isn't Avram in an Allardyce mask!

We were crap today and so lucky to come away with a point. The Leeds own goal was the best finish I've seen at Upton Park for two years and there's no way Cole knew where his deflected goal was going. Credit to him for getting his foot across the defender to get the deflection but, on the evidence of the second, he should have just left it to his marker to apply a better finishing touch!

I'll whisper this quietly because I was such a fan of his before he joined, but Nolan was shit. We should have been 3-1 ahead by the time that Ilunga said "It's open house down our left" for the umpteenth time in the game, but "Our Kev" chose to trap the ball rather than bury it. Collison also missed a great opportunity with a header from a yard out straight at the Leeds keeper - who also made a great save to keep the score at 2-1.

Apart from Ilunga, the worst performance today was from the idiot with the whistle. He got it spot on (excuse the pun) for the penalty he awarded - which thankfully Gradel missed - but how he failed to punish the first half foul on Cole and the Parker rush of blood in the second is beyond me. Parker an England player? Watch that challenge a few times and shudder!

All the football today was played by Leeds and they were, frankly, unlucky to only share the points. We went long ball and we got what we deserved - except we ended up with a point. Was this the Leeds hoodoo striking again? No. It was poor football, poor substitutions - why Piquionne for Noble for God's sake when you are 2-1 ahead? - and poor tactics. Leeds came out for the second half fired up, we came out half asleep. I blamed Zola, you blamed Grant, now maybe we should all point the finger at the bloody players!

Player ratings: Green 7: O'Brien 6, Tomkins 7, Reid 6, Ilunga 1; Collison 4, Parker 6, Noble 5, Nolan 4, Taylor 5; Cole 6 Subs Faubert 6, Carew 5, Piquionne 1

Unchanged team but no cover on bench for Tomkins!

I am not quibbling about Doctor Evil naming an unchanged team but the substitutes bench makes odd reading. Yes it is good to see Carew there. Yes it is promising to see Barrera there. Yes it is interesting to see Faubert there as an attacking option. But where is the cover for Tomkins? He limped off against Watford and has had to battle to be fit for this game. Surely Sam is taking a big chance by not having either Faye or Linda on the bench?

I hope that decision doesn't return to haunt him but we know that if it can go wrong, it will go wrong; so expect Tomkins to pull up after eight minutes! What then? O'Brien at centre back and Faubert at right back? Frightening thought!

Never mind Bolton, Leeds are our real bogey team!

One is tempted to bill today's game with Leeds as a clash of the Championship Titans but from the perspective of the Yorkshire club, it is more of a whipping boy contest. When Leeds come to town, West Ham players drop their shorts and bend over!

Get a load of these frightening stats!

We haven't won any of the last SEVEN encounters.

We have only won ONE of the last TWELVE.

We have only won THREE in the last TWENTY SIX games between the clubs!

The glory days of the Revie era are a dim and distant memory but for West Ham, Leeds remain the ultimate Bastard United. I would love it, really love it, if we were to beat the team I loathe above all others but history tells us that the clever money will be on Leeds to leave Upton Park with one point at the very least.

Let's hope Sam Pot has dispensed with history and declared Year Zero!

The Brady Pot Calling the McBenni Kettle Fat.

She is like a dog with a bone isn't she? I'm not sure it is appropriate for Brady to be writing for scandal rag The Sun anyway - how much money does this woman need? - but to use the column to settle old scores is cheap in the extreme. McBenni has gone now, let it go!

Her latest dig is again about McCarthy's body fat ratio which she quips was three times Kevin Phillips's 8%. Given she is so comfortable with announcing these stats, why doesn't she tell us the percentage of fat she is carrying? I bet there are a few cellulite patterns across her arse and thighs just like there are a few chins queueing up at the top of her neck!

Southampton and Derby continue to set the early pace. Leicester implode!

Four wins out of four for both Southampton and Derby - and there is no arguing with that! Southampton were not as fluent today by all reports however, and it will be interesting to see how they cope when something goes against them. When you keep winning, a setback can jolt you out of your stride in a major way. Derby, on the other hand, seem to be growing in confidence. I don't expect them to be up there come the end of the season but with a Clough at the helm, who knows?

Leicester managed to blow victory in a delightful way. 2-0 up and Schmeichel not only gives away a penalty but contrives to collect two yellows for time wasting! I'd imagine even Sven lost his cool with the not so great Dane after the game.

Watford kept a clean sheet which makes our four goals against them look still more impressive, whilst Barnsley's victory at Reading was good news for us, as was the sharing of points between Brighton and Blackpool. Things seem to be going our way at the moment!

Is Parker telling porkies?

Doctor Evil has complained that somebody inside the England set up has told Parker that he has to be playing in the Prem to feature in the international team and Allardyce has taken him at his word. But who says this is true?

Was Parker in the last England squad for the cancelled fixture against Holland? Yes. Was he a Championship player at that stage? Yes. Has Capello picked players in the Championship before? Yes. Has he picked players who are not even getting regular first team football? Yes. So, the facts don't support what Parker is claiming do they?

Who is this unnamed person in the England set up? The bibs and cones man? This all reads like a Daily Mirror story when a "source close to the club" is used to springboard an article. Is Parker perhaps telling porkies? Is he using this as an excuse to engineer a move whilst keeping the Hammers fans sweet?

One thing is for sure, "Mr West Ham, Scotty Parker the Claret and Blue Legend" doesn't want to be at the club a minute longer than he has to be. Contrast that with Brooking and Bonds when they stuck by the club following relegation. In fact, contrast that with Carlton Cole!

West Ham legend? Bloody self serving mercenary more like!

Are we using QPR to try to get 'Arry twitchy over Parker?

Tactics my boy, tactics! Is all this hot air over the QPR offer for Parker an attempt to provoke a bid from Spurs or Arsenal? With Barton rumoured as a possible replacement and the club keen to release funds to bid for a forward and an auxiliary defender, Sullivan and Gold must be as anxious to see the back of Parker as they were to get him to extend his contract. It would clearly be interesting if Fernandes were to up his bid, forcing a show down between 'Arry I need midfielders Redknapp and Daniel How Much for a 30 Year Old? Levy.

The chances of Parker ending up at QPR are very remote but by breaking ranks and actually bidding for the reigning Player of the Year, they may do us a favour. Perhaps Fernandes really does support West Ham after all!

How Poor Is the Scottish Premier League!

Dear God, Scottish football has been on its knees for some time now, but the Tartan Terrors really are plumbing new depths. With "Champions" Glasgow Rangers already dumped out of the Champions League by the mighty Malmo, the kings of the capital city, Hearts, surrendered 5-0 at home to pre season Tottenham.

The game north of the border is sadly now a joke. And it's not just football. They can't play cricket, the rugby team don't stand a cat in hell's chance in the World Cup and even the curling team slipped up at the last winter Olympics. I suppose they are still World Champion Tossers (of the caber), but what else are they any good at?

There was a time when all of the best English teams featured a couple of Scots but there's barely a Scot in the EPL now. What has happened to Scotland? Where is the nation's pride?

Hopefully that picture will help them in the only sport in which they now excel!

The QPR Dyer Diaries

dere dairy well thats a releef madman warnock asked me to start the first game of the season the guy seems to think i'm here to play bugger that luckerly after seven minits i took a heavy one and went down screeming broken foot bloody x rays revealed no brake but i'm out of the everton game thank god didnt fancey a drive up to liverpool there not paying me enuff for that now i have a hole week to go down with a misterious viras befor they can expect me to start training not to impresed with the treatment room here because the silly bastards try to get you fit how am i going to have the hole winter of at this rate mind you with any luck this fernandes guy will buy a few players and i can sit out the season on the bench i just tried crossing my fingers and broke one!

Bring Back Bullard!

Hull have sacked him to save money. He is a West Ham product and was in the England squad not so long ago. I reckon he would "come home" on a pay when you play contract and can see him doing a job as a sub at the very least. Bring him home and let him park his caravan in Sullivan's parking space!

West Ham fan Fernades says "QPR can go anywhere."

And in response Ladbrokes have opened a book on the probable destination. Current odds:

1-6  - The Championship

Even money - Hell!

Still, Air Asia will fly them there in economy class!

Will QPR learn from our mistakes?

So, in comes Fernandes armed with Mittal's billions, and there's talk already of shopping in Harrod's. Suddenly, every club contacted by the Rs will think, "Hang on, we can have a bit of their dosh!". There are echoes here of when the Icelandics came in to Upton Park and splashed the cash - and look how that ended up!

The roll call of signings from that mad spell when little old West Ham thought we were punching in the heavyweight division brings all fans out in a rash: Dyer for £6million. Parker for £6million. Bellamy for £8million. Ljungberg for £4million (and another £4million to buy out his contract). Quashie for £2million. Davenport for £2million. Boa-Morte for £6million. Faubert for £6million. Neill for £1.5 million and the GNP of Australia in signing on fees and wages and Solano for £1.5million. As a club we lost a fortune, our heart and our soul and we are still paying for it.

Now, not only will the clubs want a slice of the QPR "windfall", but the players' agents will fancy a cut too. Where previously they were thinking £20k per week for QPR, they will now be doubling it and adding ten.

Interesting days ahead. QPR would do well to learn from our lesson.

Zavon Hines Joins Burnley - No Tears Here!

So Hines has joined Burnley, swapping one Claret and Blue kit for another. He looked briefly as if he was a future star in the making with that stunning goal against Villa but, subsequently, injuries, attitude and ego have limited Zavon's progress. He will be remembered by some for that goal against Villa, by others for the war with Millwall but, my abiding memory will be the way he lost possession at Wigan, opening the door for our collapse and tumble through the relegation trap door.

Will he come good at Burnley? I doubt it. The game has changed and to succeed as a diminutive player now, you have to be very special indeed. Hines isn't that special.

My bet is that he will end up plying his trade in the lower reaches of the game - and that includes non league football. If Doctor Evil had seen anything exciting in the lad, he would have secured him a contract. He didn't.

So, for me, it is good riddance Zavon. Burnley are welcome to him.

Avram's Avengers on a roll but Grampus 8 set the early pace!

Well the Fantasy League is taking shape and it appears Hammersfan may know a little bit more about this game than some have contended! A stunning round of results has seen the mighty Avram's Avengers roaring up the table, leaving Stani Army and Zola's Zealots in their wake! We're not sure if we are counting second placed Lewis Johnson because he entered 5 teams, so I am claiming honorary second place for now.

It's a long old season and I have used my five substitutes for this month already. And if I hadn't substituted Marshall for Stockdale between games, I would have two extra points now. Serves this clever sod right!

Fingers crossed Tomkins wins his fitness race for the Leeds game! The top 5 reads:

Grampus 8                       54
The BBM Wanderers         49
Avram's Avengers            44
Bradford Hammers          43
Thames Iron Works         40

And at the other end Apache is struggling on just 13 points, third from bottom! No wonder I won those bets on the Org mate!

Piquionne - French for Scum!

How low can you get? God knows how much the guy is paid a week and Piquionne can't even pay to have his litter removed. The low life French scum has been fined for fly tipping, shitting in his neighbourhood back yard rather than dip his hand in his pocket or drive around to the local tip.

We have grown used to the appalling behaviour of footballers but, for me, this is down there with the worst - Joey Barton's excesses excepted.

Mind you, it's a pity Piquionne didn't reveal this prowess earlier. Perhaps then he could have taken Dyer for a drive in the country!

QPR owner Fernandes wants a marquee but bids for a tent!

So Tony the Twatterer is at it again. You have to wonder what deals have been done in exhaust filled rooms that have resulted in Bernie the Runt selling to Fernades the Cnut, but the early signs are not good for Rangers fans. There are echoes here of when Sullivan and Gold bought West Ham. Lots of talk about marquee signings only for a two man Argos tent to be delivered as the window slammed shut.

So, what happens? Self proclaimed West Ham fan Fernandes indicates that QPR will bid for Parker - and then tables an offer of £4million, knowing that we won't accept it. Of course, had we done so, the deal would have collapsed when Parker was offered fifteen bob a week to play. Now the target is a Man City reserve who was on loan at Sunderland last season. Gabbidon won't like that! After passing his "trial", he expected to be lording it at the soon to be renamed Lotus Road.

It's going to be interesting watching what happens. Will Warnock be for the chop? Lose the next two games and I think that will be his lot. But then, by that stage, there will be no time for a new manager to shape his team. Fernandes has bought a pup, but Ecclestone is probably bending the rules of Formula 1 even as we speak to help Lotus improve their position on the grid.  I suspect there's wheels within wheels involved in this deal!

Cole to Fulham

Personally, I think that would be a bloody shame, unless this deep seated injury is truly restricting the guy. There are mixed reports about Cole's performance against Watford but what nobody can take away from him is his goal.

That is one more goal than any other forward has scored for us this season. Carlton's critics will now jump up and down and say it was a tap in, that 'Arry's wife could have scored it. The trouble with that argument is that for years we have been seeking a "fox in the box", and what do they do? They score tap in goals!

Now I'm not saying Cole has become a fox in the box overnight but his critics can't have it all ways. Cole scored and was in the right place at the right time to score. For that he deserves credit.

It may just be that Cole's problems are down to poor service and a poor striking partner. Briefly, he had Ilan alongside him - and Ilan is hardly a world beater - and we scored goals. When Di Michelle was alongside him, Cole looked good. We were all raving about Ba, but maybe Cole was part of the reason why Big Chief Broken Knee looked good. Time will tell.

I have a nagging worry that Cole and Zamora would form an effective partnership at Fulham. And as two ex West Ham players and two players committed to West Ham whilst at the club, that would be a choker. Big Sam says he wants 4 strikers and at the moment only has three - and one of those is Piquionne! It is true that Cole and Carew do not look a good fit, especially if Sam is going to persist with 4-3-3, but the search for a goal scorer to play up front hints at a 4-4-2 for the future. Thinking ahead, Cole has done it in the Prem and if we bounce back I would like him in the squad at least.

I would prioritise selling Parker and holding on to Cole.

The N Power has gone crazy!

Well it looks like this is going to be one mad, crazy roller coaster of a season! How long before the Swedish arse Sven is told he has no ikea and is flatpacked out of the midlands? Two home defeats in a row is not what is expected after a small fortune has been invested! I have Maynard in my fantasy team so I was doubly delighted by his double strike, but how many points did he cost me by missing that penalty? But that is a minor concern, what's more important is that we sit 3 points above the pre season favourites for the title.

Meanwhile, Cardiff were stuffed by Brighton. It seems as if the two south coast promoted clubs have forgotten how not to win! It's been a great start for Southampton and Brighton but I would be surprised if they can keep it going over 46 games. Adrenaline can only take you so far!

For a while it looked as if Millwall would climb above us, but the third promoted team showed great fighting spirit and secured a draw, whilst Derby maintained their 100% start at the expense of Blackpool. There's something mighty odd going on in both the Prem and the Championship with playing at home seemingly a disadvantage!

Who do we have to worry about? Leicester will surely improve. Southampton may stay the course. Miserableboro could put in a sustained challenge. I still fancy Blackpool. But this division is there for the taking!

QPR Target Parker - The Ultimate Big Fish in a Little Pond!

'Arry still fancies him, insisting that Tottenham are light in the midfield department, but if you believe the latest rumours, Scotty could be on his way to the might Queens Park Rangers - assuming twatterer in chief Tony Fernandes buys the club.

Wouldn't that be so fitting? Parker would exchange one small pond blighted with a deadly algae for another. He would be far and away the biggest fish in the Loftus Road backwater and would receive rave reviews for his unstinting effort and drive - and come next summer, he would be back in the Championship still yearning for a dream move to his father's beloved Tottenham Hotspurs.

Could we be lucky enough to offload Parker for £8million to the very same club that have taken Dyer and Gabbidon? I tell you what, if I was a Rangers fan I would start dreaming of fixtures away to Doncaster and Watford - because this promises to be a miserable, miserable season.

Sweaty Sam Winning Fans Over - But Grant's record was better!

Two away games, two away victories, and Sam is already growing on the purists. If he can keep this up, he will be up there with Greenwood and Lyall before you know it. But a defeat at home to Leeds will see him instantly ranked with Grant, Macari and Roeder! Such is the fickle nature of the West Ham fan.

Even experienced fans with some knowledge of the game are going overboard, asking questions like, "When was the last time we won back to back away games?" forgetting that it is much easier to achieve in the Championship, especially when the games are against injury ravaged Doncaster and rookie managed Watford - both now featuring in the bottom 4 despite two games out of three at home. There is a conviction in some quarters that Avram would not have achieved these two results but, of course, Avram's record against teams from the Championship was pretty good. In fact, Sam has a 66% win ratio, whereas Grant's was 100% for games against teams in this tier: Barnsley 2-0, Notts Forest 3-2 and Burnley 5-1. That would put us top of the division, not third!

Sam has spoken about "earning the right to play" before you can introduce the swagger but, to be fair, we have looked like a West Ham team so far - passing rather than lumping. Yes we will be more direct but there's nothing wrong with that in my book providing the ball is moved forward with purpose rather than lumped. Let's face it, Zola was meant to be a purist but produced a team that, after the departure of Di Michelle, couldn't string three forward passes together. If three passes get us into the box, ball to feet, that has to be better to five that leave us in our own half before an aimless lump forward!

The big worry remains the lack of cover for certain key positions. Allardyce accepts that we need a goal scorer but they don't fall from trees. Well actually they do, but we allowed Phillips to join Blackpool! The biggest worry is the back four, especially with Tomkins suffering a hamstring injury. Yes we have Linda, but the loan deal for Spence is still puzzling - albeit the City of Bristol are currently shipping more goals than they did slaves in the C18th.

Hopefully, a deal will be put together for Parker and that will release some money. My preference would be for N'gog on loan, Barton and Anton. If we can add those three for the loss of Parker, we will have a squad fit to storm the division!

Watford 0 West Ham 4 - Moving through the gears!

Well, that's alright then. There I was, predicting a struggle if we didn't win our opening game but it looks as if the squad regarded that as the final warm up game before the season started for real. Or maybe it is the weight of expectation when playing at home that is inhibiting the team. Well, after their 4-1 victory over Hull tonight, we can expect Leeds to give us a searching examination.

Today has to be close to perfect. Four goals scored, a clean sheet, Tomkins, Cole, O'Brien and, amazingly, Parker all off the mark for the season - and we still have Carew and McCartney to come into the team! The only worry is Tomkins who was limping when replaced by Faye.

The division went goal crazy tonight. Who needs the Prem? This promises to be much more fun!

Watford v West Ham - Out of the traps early again!

Into the lead even earlier tonight. Taylor corner, Tomkins header, 1-0. And Tomkins is in my fantasy team! Let's keep it tight at the back and try to add a few more at the other end.

Come on Carlton! Prove your critics wrong!

Scott Parker - A North London Dutch Auction or a Spurs and Arsenal Bidding War?

Well the window slams shut in a couple of weeks and Scotty Parker is still marooned at West Ham, trapped by his absurdly inflated salary and his birth certificate. Basically, Wenger and Levy are not in the habit of spending big money on old players and whilst 'Arry will buy any clapped out old banger on the market, he does not have access to the vault beneath White Hart Lane - because Tottenham don't want to go the way of Bournemouth, West Ham, Portsmouth and Southampton! On the other hand, the Arsenal board are desperate to spend by Wenger seems to think it is his own money. He will be seeing the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future before you know it.

But with Modric still linked with a move to Chelsea, and Arsenal stripped of Fabregas, both need to bolster their midfields, and experience does have a value. It could be that once one expresses a firm interest in Parker, the other will follow; but conversely, both may sit on their wads and only come in at the last moment, offering a knock down price in acknowledgement of our desperate need to offload. It is bloody frustrating because until the Parker fiasco is resolved, our hands are tied in the transfer market.

I have maintained all along that Sullivan & Gold got it wrong when they gave Parker that contract extension and as every day goes by, so I am proved more and more right. Interestingly, opinion is now turning. Where before, any criticism of Parker bought howls of derision, now fans are accusing him of wanting out and expressing the hope that he goes sooner rather than later. We should have sold him last summer just as I said!

Cole to start at Watford

The game comes too early for Carew and Cole is now, apparently, up to speed after carrying an injury through pre season. Doctor Evil has spoken positively about Carlton so it seems probable that he will now use him as a starter after his promising showing as a second half sub at Doncaster.

The Watford game is fraught with dangers, not least because the Hornets have become something of a bogey team of late. The last three games between the two clubs have ended in shock 1-0 reverses for the Hammers. In 2008, Zola picked a bloody stupid team for a League Cup clash, with stand in keeper Lastuvka and Mullins combining to give victory to Watford on a plate. Up front we were lightweight and toothless with Di Michele and Sears interchanging and Etherington, absurdly, playing on the right. The other notable perverse selection was the inclusion of an obviously over weight Walter Lopez at left back. Ludicrous!

Before that, we lost two back to back home games 1-0, one in the Cup and one in the Prem, in the Great Escape season. Watford finished bottom of the Prem that season and were pretty hopeless all year. Mind you, we only drew the game at Vicarage Road 1-1, with Pardew picking an absurd team wiith three centre backs!

So, our last four games against Watford have yielded just one goal! It's time to set the record straight!

Early Pace Setter in TGGC Fantasy League

Congratulations to Bradford Hammer for setting the early pace in The Games Gone Crazy Fantasy League with an epic total of 31 points already. The two Kevs - Phillips and Nolan - are the stars of the show for BH so far with 6 points apiece, with Sordell chipping in another 4. Hopefully the Watford man will not add to his total in the next game though!

Meanwhile, at the opposite end of the table, Bunting's Babes are performing like a traditional West Ham team with just 5 points banked so far. Quite what induced the selection of Noble and no other West Ham players, only "Mr Bunting" will be able to explain. Will Noble take penalties this season? If so, he may yet come into his own. Only three players have scored positively for the team so far, and one of those plays for Millwall! Dear God man, how could you select a Millwall man in your team?

There's a big mid table covered by a handful of points at this stage and, annoyingly, Stani's team are sitting in a play off place. How I will hate it if his side finishes above mine!

To check the progress of your team follow this link:


http://thegamesgonecrazy.blogspot.com/2011/07/tggc-championship-fantasy-football.html

and log in via the link there.

Fair Play to Barton

Now that's not a headline I ever anticipated writing! However, the footballing thug named after a budgie was honest, contrite and persuasive when he appeared on 606 tonight. Very few footballers would have put themselves on the line like this and hardly any would have been willing to field vitriol from angry fans. But Barton was man enough to do it and sounded surprisingly intelligent in the process.

Unlike Wenger, Barton was happy to admit to a mistake when calling Gervinho a cheat for diving. Joey accepted that there was contact in the box and so there was a case - though a weak one in his opinion - for a penalty.

Full marks to the bastard at the back of the class. He is a shit undoubtedly but not a thick shit. A bastard with a brain, the most dangerous bastard on the block!

West Ham "fan" Fernandes to bid for QPR

Well Fernandes may be about to show his true colours. When he twattered that he had made a bid for West Ham - to coincide with the appointment of Allardyce - he claimed to be a West Ham fan. Well how many West Ham fans would want to buy QPR?

So why the interest? Perhaps he is a little confused. Perhaps he saw Gabbidon score an own goal and Dyer carried off after seven minutes and thought West Ham had simply changed their kit, ground and name. QPR are bottom of the Prem after all, and that's where we spent most of last season! A hammering at home to Bolton would simply have added to the potential for confusion!

Or maybe the Malaysian is arse licking Bernie Ecclestone. Let's face it, the little grey haired runt is the power broker in Formula 1 and that is Fernandes' chief sporting interest.

Or most likely, this is another attempt by Fernandes to grab the headlines with no real substance behind the twattering. QPR fans are probably thinking anybody would be better than the current owners but they should look closely at what has happened at Birmingham. There really are owners out there worse even than Sullivan & Gold!

Man Utd need Robert Green to cover green keeper

With de Gea making another ricket, Ferguson must realise that he urgently needs an experienced keeper. There aren't a lot available - ask Arsene Wenger - so Robert Green may be his only option. It might be worth a little bet you know, especially with three first choice defenders ruled out by injuries meaning that kids are screening a rookie keeper.

As for Rio, is his career perhaps hurtling towards retirement? These injuries are coming thick and fast suggesting that his body may be crumbling prematurely.

Meanwhile, it was a decidedly drab opening to the new Premiership season - apart from that hilarious game at QPR. With the Prem stripped of Ronaldo, Fabregas and, potentially, Tevez, there is a real shortage of flair players around. Perhaps the brand is getting a little tired?

Di Canio Humbled by Cheltenham!

Nobody should be surprised of course. I know Cheltenham is just 33 miles up the A417 but Paolo doesn't do away games and doesn't like heading North in particular. There are still those who believe he should be in charge at Upton Park and they will maintain their adulation even after PDC is either shown the door by Swindon or flounces off in a huff. My prediction is that this appointment will end in tears.

How unfortunate is that headline for Cheltenham Ladies College?

The Parker Myth Perpetuated!

Many have asked how I justify my criticism of Parker given he was voted Player of the Year last season and I have maintained all along that the press made Parker the story last season and wrote a predetermined script all season. Well they were at it again today. I quote from the BBC match report:

"The Hammers, with influential midfielder Scott Parker excelling at the heart of a 4-5-1 formation, dominated in the first half."

Interesting. Scotty didn't score, of course, and didn't have a hand in the goal, but he was "excelling" apparently. Not Nolan, of course, who scored and who hit the bar. Nor Collison, of course, who created. But Scotty.

Now I didn't see the match but I did read the Official Site match report minute by minute and I was struck by the following:

90 mins: "In the final minute of the 90 and West Ham have the ball deep inside the Doncaster half until Parker loses it."

and

67 mins: "Cripes! Parker loses possession inside the Doncaster half and it's two on two."

Apart from that, Parker gets just three mentions - for winning two free kicks and making one block. No defence splitting passes worthy of mention and no shots. And this is from an Official Site dedicated to talking up Parker in the hope of getting him off the wage bill. Hmmm.

Barton the Bartstard!

He's at it again! First game of the new season and Barton is living down to his reputation! OK, the "stamp" from Song was disgraceful and he has to be banned, but what was Barton up to when he dragged Gervinho to his feet and snarled into his face? According to Pards, Joey was "incensed" by the new Arsenal man taking a dive; well what was Barton doing when he fell to the floor writhing in agony when Gervinho put his hand in his face?

And tell me, what was Barton doing after the Song stamp? One moment he was rolling around in agony and the next he was sitting up, wagging his finger, before jogging off to make his feelings clear to the fourth official. In truth, Song stood on him rather than stamped, but Barton was intent on making a meal of it.

You can't keep a bastard out of the headlines can you?

QPR, Warnock, Gabbidon & Dyer all True to Form!

Brilliant! Warnock is hammered, Gabbidon puts one in his own net and, best of all, Dyer is carried off after seven minutes! Seven minutes? That's half a season for Dyer! I suppose he will tell everybody that our medical team are to blame! He's not injury prone. No, he's not! No really he isn't!

God knows what Ecclestone and co are up to at QPR. Warnock should have walked in May but no doubt his head was too big to fit through the exit!

Dear God, our record against Bolton is appalling but even we haven't lost 4-0 at home to them in the Prem. I was planning to cheer on Rangers this season until they signed Gabbidon and Dyer. Now the only way I am getting behind them is if they pay us £8million for Scotty Parker!

A Wide Open N Power Championship!

Two games in and already the results are all to pot. Leicester's 2-0 home defeat to Reading was great news, whilst a home defeat for Ispwich suggests their opening day result was misleading. McClaren is already under pressure at Forest and the Leeds fans will be calling for a new manager before you know it!

Sure Southampton, Brighton and Derby have all bagged six points from six but does anybody expect any of them to stay the course? In the case of the two promoted teams, they are high on adrenaline and Derby just aren't good enough.

The 1-0 reverse against Cardiff may not be the kick in our promotion cobblers that I thought it would prove. A 1-0 victory at Doncaster doesn't exactly set the pulses racing but Nolan scored, Cole is on his way back, Carew and McCartney will be available soon and Tomkins, for one, is looking very impressive at the back.

It's game on! Doctor Evil is off and running, typically with a 1-0 away victory!

One Big Black Man looks much the same as another, apparently!

You have to laugh! Cole took to the field as a second half sub wearing Faye's shirt! If it is that easy, we should borrow Drogba when Chelsea aren't playing and slip him on with Carlton's name on his back!

Goal Up After Six Minutes!

Nolan, from a pass by Collison! That's more like it! Still no Cole but it is good to see Collison in and Stanislas on the bench. Now, can we play for 90 minutes or is the team going to run out of gas like they did so often last season? If we mean business, we need to show some swagger and not get our knickers in a twist!

Essex Boys Cook and Bopara Combine to Score 301!

Well done Ravi, without that score of 7, England might be struggling!

As for Cook, anybody can have a lucky year against mediocre bowling! Well, actually, anybody can have a lucky streak covering 19 test centuries. Well not anybody exactly because not many Englishmen have done it but, well it could just be luck couldn't it? Just like it could be luck that allowed Cook to score the sixth highest score ever in tests by an Englishman. And it could all be down to luck that will see Cook pass the century totals and run totals of all the former greats of the England team.

Cook, he is so fluky isn't he? And Ravi? The guy is clearly a genius, he just needs yet another chance to show it!

Allardyce already making excuses!

So, according to Sam Pot our "Big Three" - Tinkey Winky, Dipsey and Laa Laa to their friends - are distracted because of possible bids that have never materialised, we haven't signed players because there are too many available and although Sam wants "another striker", he also wants to see what Hines and Stanislas can do, and "people like that".

Doctor Evil my be going gaga already. Who are "people like" Hines and Stanislas exactly? Has he found a secret store of mediocre young players who are neither one thing, nor the other. Or has Sam been watching the riots on London's streets and thinking, "He looks like Hines and he looks like Stanislas, perhaps we could sign them and give them a go!"

And how exactly are Parker, Green and Cole being distracted by an absence of bids? Surely that should keep them focused? Or is it dawning on the three of them that they aint that special after all. Is Parker thinking, "God, I looked shit against Cardiff so maybe I aint all that, just as Hamersfan has been explaining for two years now!"

And why, exactly, is a flood of available players a reason for NOT signing anybody? Is it time to change the Old Mother Hubbard rhyme?

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard,
To give the poor dog a bone:
When she came there,
The cupboard was stuffed,
And so the poor dog had none!

I'm hearing far too many excuses already. Has Doctor Evil softened following his heart operation? Have we signed yet another pup? Is Allardyce a deceased dictator nailed to the Upton Park perch? Is he less Sam Pot and more Sam Po?

Draw Kind with Carlisle to follow Aldershot

Dispose of Aldershot and we face the might of Carlisle in the next round of the League Cup. Of course, two consecutive draws against lowly opposition would normally get us thinking of Wembley, but we have entered the competition a round earlier than usual. The really big boys don't get involved for another round yet!

So, it is another opportunity for Sullivan and Gold to offer tickets for a tenner, assuming we cope with the might of Aldershot of course!

In the meantime, no clubs appear to be interested in our England trio. Is that any surprise given the way they performed against the sheep shaggers from Cardiff? Will Wenger be tempted to come in for Parker after losing Nasri and Fabregas? Maybe but I wouldn't bet on it!

With Linda's Return, the Circle is Complete!

So the circle is nearly complete. Turds walked because McCartney was sold despite his objections, and now McCartney returns three managers later, our place in the Prem surrendered and under new owners. Only one thing remains constant - a hopelessly inflated salary which we have to honour over a season long loan.

Is McCartney the right man to solve our problems? I doubt it. He is an ordinary left back and a less than ordinary centre back. But as a jack of all trades and master of none, he fits the bill doesn't he?

It's another cog in the machine but look at the machine. It was breaking when Linda was here before and it is now as fcuked as Heather Mill's left leg or is it her right leg? Who cares? All I know is that this is a player who isn't good enough for Sunderland who will now be billed as a key player for West Ham. It's a joke. Another toad to fill another hole.

How did that song go?

"And nothing ever happens, nothing happens at all, the needle returns to the start of the song and we all carry on like before, and we'll all be lonesome tonight and lonesome tomorrow."

And still the fans turn on Carlton Cole

Amazingly, West Ham fans on the boards are still focusing their ire on Carlton Cole. Yes we need a goal poacher, everybody agrees on that, but why Cole is being criticised after the Cardiff defeat, rather than Piquionne, is beyond me. For me, a key reason why we lost on Sunday is because the lazy Frenchman was preferred to Carlton.

Given the signing of Carew, one of Piquionne or Cole is surely on his way out and, for me, there is no contest on who it should be. The big complaint about Cole is that he does not score enough goals - but he scores more than Piquionne who netted 9 from 31 starts last season compared to Cole's 11 from 27. Cole is also younger and is much more intimidating physically. I bet the Cardiff centre backs smiled when they saw our starting 11!

Carew is unlikely to be ready for a couple of weeks given he has missed pre season and I hope Allardyce now opts for Cole paired with Sears up front in a 4-4-2. Freddie is not a winger and was woeful on Sunday. It is now time to back him as a striker or to ship him out. If Sears isn't the answer, then Hall should be given his chance.